Sandra’s Fourth Ring of Hell: Everyday TV Dinners

CHAPTER 4: AVARICE AND PRODIGALITY-JOUSTING

Before I begin describing the fourth ring of hell in Sandra’s cookbook for kids, I wanted to clear up a misconception from my previous article. In the third ring of hell, I erroneously stated that Sandra’s picture that accompanies the “Ranch Slaw” recipe featured a “nice fat advertisement” for Sun-Maid raisins. While this remains true, I have recently discovered that this picture is not the most in-your-face depiction of Sun-Maid raisins in this cookbook. This picture that faces the Healthy is Happenin’ section of the cookbook is actually the most BLATANT advertisement for “kewl” raisins:

I apologize for any confusion this may have caused, but, either way, Sandra Lee remains a whore for corporate America. Now onto chapter 4!

The fourth ring of hell in Cool Kids’ Cooking (which from here on will be referred to as KKK to match Sandra’s love of alliteration and previous interior-design invention, the “Kurtain Kraft”) features what she calls “everyday” TV dinners. Apparently, Aunt Sandy or her editor never bothered to look up the term “everyday” to check its definition because I doubt she means “common, ordinary” TV dinners are the subject of this chapter. Rather, she seems to mean these are TV dinner recipes for every day of the week. Put down the cocktail and buy a dictionary, Sandra!

Sandy’s introduction to this particularly hellish chapter includes the following incoherent description of the life of a young child: “When you’re 5, cartoons are your life. That and the trampoline.” Now, I don’t know about you, but I never had a trampoline in my life. I do not have one now, and I certainly did not have one at the age of five. I guess Sandy is marketing her books to wealthy parents who can’t be bothered with caring about their children’s health and proper nutrition. Who else would relate to her mindless descriptions of youth?

Anyway, Sandra claims that this chapter of KKK will be about “traditional kid food with a twist.” One example of such food is “lasagna in cool gel pen shades of green and orange.” This is an exceptionally lame description of her lasagna with spinach and carrots that I suppose appeals to kids obsessed with gel pens. Do kids even care about gel pen colors? It just sounds bizarre to me. As a child of the nineties, I WAS obsessed with neon colors (I even called my black marker that came in the neon marker set “hot black” because it didn’t have a cool name like “electric blue” and “hot pink”…yes, I was very lame as a child), but I doubt children care about gel pens. This whole description appears to be yet another example of Sandy attempting to connect with the younger generation, but having no idea what kids actually like. Additionally, she continues to use “hip lingo” like “fuel that hype” and “leave the drama” as if any of these phrases make sense at all to young children. Finally, Sandra scares the bejesus out of me by coming OUT of the TV in the picture that faces her introduction. All I can think of when seeing this is the Ring girl crawling out of the TV (either one is terrifying).

The girl from The Ring:

Sandy coming out with two plates full of horror:

The resemblance is uncanny, yes?

Getting past the terrible introduction and horrifying picture, “Everyday TV Dinners” features ten recipes: “Meat Loaf Muffins,” “Porcupine Meatballs” (What an appetizing name!), “Hawaiian-Style Burgers” (Can you guess what makes them “Hawaiian?” That’s right…canned pineapple!), “Chili Spaghetti,” “Sweet & Sour Popcorn Shrimp,” “Chip Chicken,” “Taco Rice Bowl,” “Cheesy Chicken Enchiladas,” “Baked Chicken Pasta,” and the previously mentioned “Green and Orange Lasagna.” By looking at these items, one cannot help but ponder how the majority of them are appropriate for TV viewing. The recipes for spaghetti, lasagna, and enchiladas would likely lead to disastrous results if one were to eat them on a TV tray as Sandra suggests. She might as well add a recipe for Sloppy Joes (Sloppy Sandys? Ugh…too vulgar) because every other item will be smeared into the couch or carpet by the time these “everyday TV dinners” have been eaten by the youngsters.

Let’s start delving into these recipes by taking a look at one of the messiest possible: Chili Spaghetti. Now, as a child, I do remember eating spaghetti in front of the TV while watching the Sesame Street Christmas special (“Feliz Navidad!”), but it still does not seem like the best idea for children to be consuming such food near expensive electronics and carpets. Here is a lovely photograph of this recipe complete with “heart-shape toasted garlic bread [sic],” which the recipe says you can make “if desired.”

Wow…aside from the poor wording (“heart-shaped” makes more sense as an adjective for the garlic bread), how much do you want to bet that this picture is from a Valentine’s Day recipe on Sandy’s website or in another one of her cookbooks as a way to make your dinner “special” for Valentine’s Day? I am almost positive this was the case, especially because of the way the recipe has a tacked-on note at the end to apparently justify the photograph of spaghetti with heart-shaped garlic bread. It’s all too ridiculous, and thus, perfect for KKK.

As for the recipe itself, this is another standard stoner concept: Dude, let’s mix a can of chili with some pasta! Sandra informs the reader that he or she must use specific brand names for best results, yet again, including “precrumbled cheddar and Colby cheese, Kraft” (as though you can’t crumble cheese yourself) and “1 can turkey chili with no beans, Hormel” (because Sandy cannot be bothered with making her own chili and neither should you). After pimping out her fave brands, Sandra moves on to a basic recipe for spaghetti casserole with the addition of canned chili and precrumbled cheese. Wouldn’t “precrumbled” cheese be regular whole cheese since it has not been crumbled yet? Oh well…if I try to make sense out of Sandra’s vocabulary, I will be sitting here for years while she becomes the First Lady (side note: Is Andrew Cuomo seriously going to become the next governor of NY with Sandra by his side? As a possible New Yorker in the future, please kill me now!).

The next recipe I will be examining closely is “Chip Chicken.” Now, when you hear the words “Chip Chicken,” what is the first thing that comes to mind? Myself, I think of “chipped beef” but with chicken instead of beef. Gross, right? Well, actually, Sandra’s recipe is a basic as they come: this is your standard child-friendly recipe for chicken tenders rolled in potato chips. I remember making this exact same recipe as a child when my parents enforced a “the kids get to cook since they have nothing else to do” policy between June and August. During these summer months, I would have to prepare a meal for the whole family once a week, and one of my first cooking experiences was making potato-chip-crusted chicken strips. While this recipe is a bit messy, the results were pretty delicious; you get a crispy crunch without frying because of the potato chips.

I mention my childhood memories here because, as usual, Sandra will now muck them up with her version of “Chip Chicken.” The ingredients for this recipe are pretty simple by Aunt Sandy standards: chicken tenders, Italian salad dressing, ranch salad dressing, and two kinds of chips (plain and barbecue). Of course, my version of this recipe probably did not include the brand names Sandra mentions (maybe the Lays potato chips at most), but I know for sure I did not have two types of salad dressing as ingredients. Why would anyone want so many conflicting flavors in one meal? I cannot imagine how disgusting the combination of barbecue chips and ranch dressing would be. Also, once again, Sandra’s recipe offers little to no nutritional value unless you count fattening salad dressings as one of the major food groups. Since the fourth ring of Hell is about Prodigality, it seems important to note that this recipe calls for so many containers and plastic bags that it’s ridiculous. Sandra’s recipes are notorious for their wastefulness, and in this particular instance, “Chip Chicken” indicates that one must use two DIFFERENT Ziploc bags to crush the chips, when in reality, one bag would certainly suffice as all of the crushed chips are then placed in separate bowls. What a waste!

The final recipe I will be dissecting for this ring of Hell in KKK is Sandra’s answer to the KFC Famous Bowl, the “Taco Rice Bowl.” First, I would like to enlighten you all with a little background on Sandra’s relationship with KFC. Sandra Lee, as you might recall, was a celebrity (oh, please) endorser for KFC’s new Grilled Chicken meals.

How anyone can call that woman a “Chef” is beyond me, but these ads ran in conjunction with the highly successful KFC campaign for healthier food in early 2009. Anyway, I only mention this fact to help shed light on how Sandra would be aware of KFC and their food products. The Taco Rice Bowl featured in this chapter is remarkably similar to the KFC Famous Bowl, particularly the Rice Bowl, in its contents and presentation, e.g. throw a bunch of crap in a bowl. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two “meals”:

The KFC Famous Rice Bowl, AKA the Vomit Bowl

Sandra’s “Taco Rice Bowl” (my husband says I looked just like the little girl when I was a kid...great!):

As you can see, both of these “Bowls” include a bunch of stuff thrown into a container so that the consumer can gulp down all of the contents at once; why use a plate when you can dump everything into one bowl? Well, I guess it’s not as wasteful as her other meals, but that’s not saying much.

Since Sandra has ties with KFC, I am going to make the assumption that this “Taco Rice Bowl” is her homage to/rip-off of the Famous Bowls. While this meal does seem like a good one for TV-viewing due to the ease of eating out of a bowl, this is by no means a healthy meal. The closest thing to vegetables in this meal is some lettuce (surely Iceberg, but surprisingly Sandra misses the opportunity to pimp her favorite lettuce brand name) and a couple scallion bits on top. The recipe also includes “grilled chicken strips, Tyson,” “1 can diced tomatoes, Hunt’s,” “1 packet taco seasoning, McCormick,” “2 cups instant rice, Uncle Ben’s,” and, as with the Chili Spaghetti, “1 cup precrumbled cheddar cheese, Kraft.” As you can see, there is not much “taco” to this meal aside from the seasoning and fixings and, in reality, it seems like the final product would be more like seasoned rice with stuff on top than anything taco related. One would assume there would be some type of ground beef or turkey or something to make this more taco-like, but no. Instead, Sandy includes cooked grilled chicken strips that aren’t even heated before adding them to the bowl. Also, there’s an option to add sour cream and chopped scallion to the top of your rice bowl, which I suppose makes it more “Mexicany.” Whatever the case, this recipe sounds again like stoner food for children, and the combination of ingredients is truly disgusting. I cannot imagine that the cheese would have properly melted or that cold chicken strips would taste that great on top of taco-seasoned rice. Again, Sandra takes something popular (though I have no idea why the Famous Bowls are popular) and turns it into sodium-filled, fattening crap with little nutritional value. Not that the Famous Bowls were EVER the paragon of healthy eating, but the point still stands that Sandra is the picture of prodigality in her ingredients, her methods, and her choices when it comes to cooking for kids. As for avarice, Sandra’s greed in terms of money and fame is apparent on every single page of KKK.

Next time, we will consider the fifth ring of hell, the oddly titled “Brainiac Breaks” (as if anyone ever considered Sandy smart). If you missed out on the first three installments, you can read about Limbo (“Bright Breakfasts”) here, Lust (“Lazy Day Lunches”) here, and Gluttony (“Meal Mania”) here.

As always, Dish Delish!

Sandra’s Fourth Ring of Hell: Everyday TV Dinners

Sandra’s Third Ring of Hell: Meal Mania

CHAPTER THREE: GLUTTONY-VILE SLUSH


As I promised, I have decided to once again fight the good fight against that culinary force of evil, Sandra Lee, by comparing her children’s cookbook to Dante’s classic, The Inferno.

This week’s installment is the third ring of Hell in the Inferno, which appropriately focuses on gluttony, or indulging in something too much, as in food or sex. Gluttony is a controversial subject nowadays in relation to child obesity, and Sandra Lee points out in the introduction to the third chapter of Cool Kids’ Cooking how she aims to prevent obesity in children: have kids, even her six-year-old nephew Brycer, cook food for themselves.

Sandra (or her ghostwriter) explains that “For a long time, Bryce would only eat chicken nuggets. Now he dishes up rad eats like Ritz Sticks and Ranch Slaw and Cowboy Meal Loaf with Glazed Carrots for everyday meals.” Now as you can tell by these recipe titles, Sandra’s culinary expertise does not extend far past packaged crackers and bagged salads, so how she plans to eradicate obesity in kids remains to be seen. I should also mention that Sandra’s names for food are singsongy, childish, often alliterative, and, oh yes, if they can include an actual BRAND in the title that she can shill in her “cookbook” so much the better.

This chapter of the kid's cookbook features fourteen recipes: the aforementioned "Ritz Sticks," "Ranch Slaw," "Pepperoni Chicken," "Caesar Pasta," "Chicken Parmesan," "Pasta Zoo with Peas and Carrots," "Tex-Mex Baked Turkey Burgers," "Chili Chips," "Pineapple Pork Chops," "Vegetable Fried Rice," "Cowboy Meat Loaf," "Glazed Carrots," "Taco Mac," and finally "Ranchers Salad." I will be focusing on three of these horrid recipes, all of which include multiple processed foods and Sandra's ubiquitous product placement.
As you can see in this picture of Sandra “preparing” her Ranch Slaw, a nice fat advertisement for Sun-Maid Raisins is featured prominently. Of course, she could just want her young readers to know that when she says the recipe includes “1/2 cup raisins” she MEANS Sun-Maid and doesn’t want them to use an inferior brand (even if she does get kickbacks from the Raisin people). Sandra’s “Ranch Slaw” consists of three other ingredients besides raisins (better be Sun-Maid, dammit!): ranch salad dressing, sour cream, and tri-color cole slaw mix, all with appropriate brands listed so that your little ones know exactly what they should use. Dante describes the punishment for gluttony as sitting in a vile slush for all of eternity, which is what this combination sounds like it would turn into quickly. What else is wrong with this recipe, you might ask? Well, aside from the fact that it sounds disgusting and like no cole slaw I have ever had in my life, there is not one aspect of this recipe that could be considered “fresh.” Yes, the cole slaw mix is a good start, but how hard is it to cut and clean some actual cabbage? This is exactly the sort of “recipe” that populates Sandra’s book—one that is basically assembling the packaged ingredients rather than cooking anything. I know that salad is usually all about assembly, but who would consider dumping crap into a bowl (don’t forget those Sun-Maid raisins!) a real recipe? All of Sandra’s “recipes” seem more likely to appear on the back of the packages of the products themselves than in a legitimate cookbook.

Another recipe Sandra exclaims will “say sayonara to bor-ring” and will make meals “the awesomest” (nice grammar there, hon) is her Chili Chips (alliterative!). Chili Chips are comprised of two ingredients: 1 package of frozen waffle fries and a packet of chili seasoning. Here is a picture of Sandra “preparing” the recipe in the book.

Can you guess how these are made? That’s right: dump the fries on a baking sheet, bake them, and then dump seasoning on top. Done. What a fantastic recipe, right? You couldn’t have come up with such a brilliant culinary masterpiece in years, admit it. Actually, anyone with even 1/8 of a brain can see that fries that have seasoning sprinkled on top of them will taste pretty good. Have you ever been to a bar that had Old Bay seasoning on the fries? Same principle. Sandra calls this stoner food a “recipe” for kids when in reality it is as basic as a recipe can be. Oh, and forget about the “fresh” component of her 70% store-bought with 30% fresh ingredients philosophy (e.g. the Semiho way). How are store-bought French fries and chili seasoning in any way healthy or fresh? Way to reduce childhood obesity, Sandra.

The final recipe I will be examining in this comparison of Sandra’s cookbook to the Inferno is “Ranchers Salad.”

As you can see in this picture, African-American boys love to toss salads with branding irons that say “S” and “L” on them (representative of Sandra Lee, obviously). This is a WTF image if ever there was one. I can’t stop giggling every time I look at it. First, why is one of the only black kids in the entire cookbook wearing such a ridiculous get-up? He’s got the cowboy hat and sheriff’s badge (Lord knows he probably would have had on boots with spurs if the picture was a full-body image). Next, he is literally tossing a salad. Oh, Sandra…someone hasn’t been on Urban Dictionary or watched that scandalous episode of Oprah, has she? Finally, the branding irons for salad tongs say “S” and “L” because Sandra is not only a lush who cannot cook, but she is also a complete narcissist who must include herself in some way on virtually every page of this stupid cookbook. Okay, aside from the ridiculous image that appears on this page, the recipe itself for Ranchers Salad isn’t that bad. Sandra’s ingredients include “rib celery” (guess she forgot to add “of”), cherry tomatoes, ranch salad dressing (again), romaine lettuce, baby carrots (What? No brand name association? For shame!), and bacon pieces. That seems all fine and good, but then she has to go and add her ubiquitous seasoning packets—barbecue seasoning in this case. I have no clue how or why anyone would want seasoning on their salad, especially after you have added fattening ranch dressing already, but apparently Sandra believes it will make your greens taste like you live on a ranch…or something. Sorry, I can’t stop staring at the black cowboy kid tossing salad (insert obligatory Brokeback Mountain reference here)…who came up with this picture? Was it a collaboration? Did Sandra request it? I doubt Sandra was involved with this cookbook at all. She was probably completely wasted when someone came into her room and asked her if she wanted to write a children’s cookbook.

“Will it feature a cartoon version of me as a teenage girl?”
“Yes.”
“Will it have a black cowboy kid tossing a salad?”
“Uh…okay.”
“Great. Start working on it while I try to seduce a politician.”
“Sure…do you have any recipes for us to use?”
“I’ve got copies of things you can do with Ritz crackers and Sun-maid raisins that I cut off the back of some boxes. Just use those.”

And thus, a cookbook was born.

Anyway, that is it for the third chapter. As always, Sandra has proven time and time again that the “awesomest” meals come from combining packages and not using fresh fruit and vegetables unless absolutely necessary. She is definitely helping reduce childhood obesity with her high-fat and high-sodium recipes for kids. Gluttony is a major force in Sandra’s life, from the alcohol she consumes to the “vile slush” she peddles as Semi-Homemade cooking. And I must be a glutton for punishment for reading this cookbook repeatedly!

Next time, we will consider the fourth ring of Hell, the bizarrely titled “Everyday TV Dinners.” If you missed out on the first two installments, you can read about Limbo (“Bright Breakfasts”) here and Lust (“Lazy Day Lunches”) here.

To use an appropriate Sandra salutation, Dish delish!

Sandra’s Third Ring of Hell: Meal Mania

Text the Peeps: Aunt Sandy Is Going Down Once More! by Jessica Friedman

Last weekend, Ian and I went home to visit our families and celebrate my father’s birthday. During our stay, we visited the local bookstore as we often do, and I came across an enemy of my past that has been cropping up EVERYWHERE recently: Sandra Lee.

As some of you are aware, I hate Sandra Lee with a passion, but that hatred had dwindled significantly while I was worrying about other aspects of my life (getting a job, getting married, staying married to Ian…lol). Lo and behold, Sandra came back into our lives with four holiday specials on HGTV that Ian and I tried to watch, but that were so horrific we could barely stay tuned. Sandra using former cancer patients for her benefit was SO exploitative it made me sick to my stomach (the terrifying red Christmas tree pictured above certainly didn’t help either), but after the holidays, I lost interest once again. Cablevision certainly didn’t help by shutting down Food Network and HGTV transmissions, effectively cutting Sandy out of our lives for the time being.

Anyway, while Ian and I were at the bookstore, I started rummaging through the displayed magazines and came across the Semi-Homemade winter magazine, complete with Sandra’s soulless eyes staring back at me. Here is a link to the Table of Contents:

http://www.semihomemademag.com/inthisissue.asp

I had to kill some time while Ian spent his usual half-hour staring at DVDs, so I started flipping through the pages and came across “Heirloom Easy” (e.g. how to take the good food your parents/grandparents made and turn it into crap quickly and easily).

One heirloom recipe for a brownie sundae is what finally pushed me over the edge and brought back my HATRED for this woman. Sandra’s brownies consisted of boxed brownie mix (nothing wrong with that, but certainly not “heirloom” unless her mother was Betty Crocker), some eXpresso (yes, that is misspelled on purpose since that is the way she pronounces it), basic ingredients for brownies (oil, water, egg), vanilla ice cream, and store-bought hot fudge and caramel sauce. That is IT. How in the world is this a “recipe,” let alone an heirloom recipe? How does this woman continue to amass a freakin’ empire when her recipes consist of desserts I could and did make when I was 8? Why is this woman dating a Cuomo and starring in two shows on the Food Network?

Ahem. To make a long story short, I am finally going to complete the task I set before me so many years ago and will finish defining the 9 Rings of Hell according to Sandra Lee’s cookbook for kids. If The Inferno is coming out with a new edition featuring a video game poster for its cover, than I better get on the bandwagon and publish my OWN version of Dante’s classic, Sandra Lee style. Each week, we will enter another ring of Sandy’s hell, so get ready to once again experience the terrifying depths of Sandra Lee’s ignorance about cooking, children, taste, etc.

In other words, Text the Peeps! Aunt Sandy is back!

Text the Peeps: Aunt Sandy Is Going Down Once More! by Jessica Friedman

Sandra’s Second Ring of Hell: Lazy Day Lunches

CHAPTER TWO: LUST-SWIRLING WIND

For this week’s installment of Sandra Lee’s Cool Kids’ Cooking, we will be exploring the second chapter, entitled “Lazy Day Lunches.”

This time around, Sandy focuses on food that “active kids like Scott [one of her many nephews] can hip to in a hurry.” Okay…how do you get “hip to” food? Does that particular phrase make sense to anyone? Did she forget to include the word “be”? I mean, I’ve heard people say “I’m hip to doing that,” but usually these are painfully lame individuals or the phrase is used in a sarcastic way (oh, yeah…I’m TOTALLY hip to that). But, seriously, who says “hip to” anymore? Apparently, the woefully pathetic Sandra Lee who believes she is invoking the cool slang of her homies.

And, I’m not joking about this. She LITERALLY has this exact phrase featured in the introduction of the second chapter: “Text the peeps—lunch is at your house today.” What the H E double hockey-sticks is she trying to do here? Reach out to her urban demographic? Wow…Sandy is so down with us and our terminology…if she understands our language, her food must be as in-touch with what kids want! Was this really the reasoning behind the ridiculous use of terms like “fab flavas” (is she trying to set herself up as the next Flavor of Love ho?). Flava Flav, indeed!

I also enjoy the fact that Sandy’s title for this chapter reinforces her lazy mentality towards cooking—it’s too hard! Let’s semi-crap up our food instead! Sandy always mentions having no TIME to get things done in the same manner as fellow Food Network denizen, buggy-eyed Robin Miller, and promptly references her nephew’s BUSY schedule which means he needs good food fast. What results, however, are neither good (her recipes offer little by way of fruits or vegetables) nor fast, but disgusting, calorie-laden delicacies for the kiddies.

Anyway, this horrifying level of Dante’s culinary inferno results in 16 recipes for foods that, once again, belong in a “make food in your dorm room in 15 minutes” type of cookbook, not recipes for young children. The recipes in this particular chapter are “Buffalo Pizza,” “Spaghetti Calzones,” “Sloppy Sandwiches,” “Cordon Bleu Crescents,” “Cheese Steak Bagel Bites,” “Monte Cristo Mania,” “Ranch Wraps” (the only relatively healthy specimen among the pack), “French au Jus,” “Cheeseburger Bites,” “Bacon-Pickle Dogs,” “Double Grilled Double Cheese” (repetitive, much?), “Mini Melts,” “Popcorn Chicken Salad,” “Teriyaki Noodle Bowl,” “Cheddar Cheese Baked Potato Soup,” and finally “Dropped Ramen.” With names like “Buffalo Pizza,” Spaghetti Calzones,” and “Dropped Ramen,” Sandy’s recipes could easily appeal to the stoner/frat boy population. However, as usual, the potential for deliciousness is defeated when one actually examines the contents of her recipes.

Sandra vows that her recipes will ‘be a ginormous hit with the It Crowd” (does the rhyming never end for this woman?), so let’s see how successful these treats really are. While reading through the list, one recognizes the standards of kid’s food (fried chicken, pizza, hot dogs, etc.), yet Sandy offers little innovation (“Popcorn Chicken Salad,” anyone?). Even when Sandra does something surprising (a quality she always stresses when feeding guests), she almost inevitably combines ingredients that no one in their right mind or in a sober state would imagine. Her “Dropped Ramen,” for instance, is Ramen noodles with eggs in it and random chicken strips. How does she screw up the concept of a lovely egg drop soup like this? And why does she relate typical Chinese food with freakin’ Ramen? Oh, they’re both made by those ching-chong guys, so they have to go well together, right? God, trying to make sense of Sandra’s frightening culinary logic is like trying to limit Sandy’s alcoholic intake during the annual trimming of the Cocktail Tree: Both will give you a massive headache.

For my analysis of Sandra’s horrific recipes, I will be closely examining her “Cheeseburger Bites.” Now, Ruby Tuesday has a delicious mini-burger meal that is under eight dollars and most likely tastes a hell of a lot better than Sandra’s meatloaf seasoning-packet mess. I mean, this is a fairly simple, well-known dish that people have been making for decades (Burger King used to offer Buddy Burgers, for example, that I adored as a child). However, in this recipe, Sandy yet again focuses on brands, not simplicity, and her recommendations for Heinz ketchup, McCormick seasoning and Sargento cheese snacks smack of culinary irresponsibility. There is no reason one has to use her products to achieve her supposedly delightful result, yet Sandra’s cookbooks insist that buying such products makes one’s life soo much easier; Should I “save” money the Semi-homemade way (and get terrible food), or actually save money by buying reasonable ingredients and making good food? I wonder which one I’d choose?

While Sandy offers up a horrific rendition of the American classic recipe, it is, in fact, her images of said dish that scar me in a way I never thought possible. Firstly, she includes cartoon pictures of the “Bites” on her front cover and in the second chapter, while also having a real-life version opposite the recipe (which doesn’t look any more appetizing than the animated versions). Secondly, all of these images feature pickles and tomatoes attached to the hamburger bun with a toothpick, which I’m sure Sandy though looked sooo gourmet (not really). I know restaurants do this all the time, but for children, I just don’t think it’s necessary or appropriate; just have the veggies on the side for them. Finally, the particular image in which children are trying to EAT the damn thing is very disturbing because of the fact that two children (and Sandra herself!) are about to bite into the “Cheeseburger Bites” WITHOUT taking the toothpick out of the hamburger! What? Shouldn’t Sandy, the responsible caretaker that she is, have warned the children that eating the burger with the toothpick attached might be a wee bit dangerous? Or, in the very least, shouldn’t she have provided herself as a role model for the impressionable youth by removing her own toothpick? I just cannot believe that she depicts these burgers as edible when they have “cocktail toothpicks” sticking out of the top! Also, if these are bite-size, why do all of the pictures of the hamburgers make the bites look HUGE? Seriously, I’ve seen Sandra shove many foodstuffs into her giant mouth (check out how she downs a corn dog, for example), but I do not see how a burger bite would need two hands and appear to be the size of a regular burger. Very weird, and confusing, I would think, for young children learning how to cook.

Sandy’s recipe is basically meatloaf burgers (with Thousand Island dressing that makes them some ghetto version of a Big Mac), and even the picture she supplies in the cookbook does not make it appetizing to say the least; Thousand Island is dripping down the side of the bun in a most revolting manner. Once again, even the presumably delicious, and simple, recipe for cheeseburger bites is ruined in the hands of Aunt Sandy, and her cookbook fails to enlighten anyone, young or old, on nutritious food for children.

Next week: The third ring of Hell, “Meal Mania.” Dish Delish!

Sandra’s Second Ring of Hell: Lazy Day Lunches

The Nine Rings of Sandra Lee's Inferno: Cool Kids' Cooking

“Move over, Mom and Dad. In the kitchen, kids rule!”

So begins the terrifying journey into the pits of Hell that is Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Cool Kids’ Cooking (note the bizarrely placed apostrophe…nice!). I seriously cannot imagine someone purchasing this overly colorful cookbook for children, but God help them if they do. Sandra is condescending and patronizing on every single page. Her “hip lingo” that the “cool kids” will apparently dig includes such gems as “awesomest” (way to encourage improper superlatives, Sandy!), “bodalicious,” “mad movie munchies” (does her nephew smoke a lot of weed or something?) “school the peeps” and “wazup” to name a few. Apparently homework is “easier to swallow” when you have snacks, her PB Smoothie will go down “slooow good” and when you want something “wet and wicked” her Tropical Cooler is “chill” the one…why does her writing sound like really bad porn? Wow…this truly is the depth of human stupidity. Come join me on my adventure thorough the alcohol-addled mind of a blonde bimbo disguised as a reputable chef, won’t you?

Oh…by the way, the entire book is illustrated with this bizarre cartoon of “adult” Sandra (oh please…maybe it was realistic when she was 15, but not her current 40-something self) who wears this lame necklace that says “Sandy.” Also, the kids who surround her in the various depictions of food preparation that pepper the book are (of course) a wide assortment of races and hair colors who have come together to celebrate the joy of cooking via their culinary savior, Miss Sandy Lee! Thank God she came to show us the light, shout the young “We are the World” children. If anyone ever saw the television show The Weekenders that used to be on Saturday mornings, you will recognize the eerie resemblance between characters like Tish and the girl who adorns the cover of this fantabulous cookbook.

What I plan to do for the next few weeks is to go chapter by chapter through this horrifying collection of Sandy’s most inedible concoctions, as that’s the most I can stomach at one time. There are nine chapters, so I will devote myself to reviewing a chapter a week so that the poor and huddled masses yearning to breath free can partake vicariously in the mind-numbing idiocy of Sandra’s attempt to crack the tween cookbook market. Hmm…nine chapters, nine rings of Hell in Dante’s Inferno. Coincidence?

CHAPTER ONE: LIMBO

Today, I will begin with Chapter One, entitled “Bright Breakfasts.”

Obviously, Sandy knows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and assumes eating her crap will help make children “bright.” We shall soon see if her hypothesis pans out or, more than likely, crashes as quickly as her fluffy soufflés.

This chapter features 10, count ‘em 10, fabulous recipes for the children to help make and eat. Anyone who has watched Sandy’s show (whether for entertainment purposes or not) realizes Sandy deeply cares about the health of kids. Well…not her kids, as she doesn’t have any, but other kids, like her nieces and nephews, she definitely cares about. Except when it’s Cocktail Time! Whether condemning the abundance of ketchup use or telling her audience that it is soooo hard to get food into kids these days, Sandy is constantly letting us know that she worries about children’s health. As such, she devotes this chapter to giving the kids in her life (as pictured by freaky anime-like cartoon characters in the cookbook) the bountiful breakfast goodies she has accumulated through her many, many years “cooking and entertaining” the way her grandma taught her. Only now, Sandy notes in the introduction to this chapter, “when mornings are warp speed, Grammy’s Granola keeps it caz.” I assume “caz” here signifies casual, but I really cannot say for sure, except it must be what those cool kids say nowadays. I guess I’m too old at 24 for these young hipsters and their crazy slang!

Sandra’s recipes in this first “eggscellent” chapter (her words, not mine) are “Egg Nests,” “Scrambled Egg Burritos,” “Mini Breakfast Pizzas,” “BTC Quiche” (the C is for Cheddar, not crap…though you yourself will have to be the judge of that), “Apple Spice Pancake Roll-Ups,” “Fruity French Toast,” “Nutty Banana Cakes,” “Waffle Wheels,” “Good Morning Parfait,” and finally the previously mentioned “Grammy’s Granola.” Aside from the fact that half of Sandra’s culinary treats sound like the creations of stoned college students (dude…we could totally make a pizza with eggs on top, man!), one will also immediately note the silliness of Sandy’s recipe names. Sandy never saw an alliterative title she didn’t like, and her cookbooks are stuffed to the gills with cutesy girly names for EVERYTHING, especially those ubiquitous cocktails she loves so much. One example that I will focus on for the rest of this review is the frightening “Waffle Wheels” recipe that is both alliterative and incredibly stupid at the same time. Way to go, Snads!

"Waffle Wheels” begins with, you guessed it, FROZEN WAFFLES. Now, I am a lazy, lazy person. I think the fact I got this book over a month ago and am just writing a review now demonstrates my love of procrastination. However, if I am taking the time to make a nice, healthful breakfast, I sure as hell don’t toast up some Eggo waffles. I mean, I eat those at night when I need to satisfy my sweet tooth by consuming bread covered in syrup. It’s a serious condition I have; don’t make fun. Anyway, Eggo waffles would never, ever be designated as “healthy” eating by any sane person, yet Sandra goes out of her way to profess the benefits of waffle “sandwiches” for those darn kids that won’t eat anything!

She notes under “food you’ll need” that the ingredients are bananas, Eggo waffles (always making sure to let even her youngest readers know the importance of brand loyalty in the world of Semi-Homemade), crunchy peanut butter (Laura Scudder’s, wtf is that?) and Sun-Maid raisins. And here’s the entirety of this great kiddy recipe:

“Using a table knife, cut each banana into 10 slices of equal size (for a total of 20 slices); set aside. Toast waffles in toaster. Carefully remove waffles from toaster.

Using a table knife, spread 2 tablespoons peanut butter on 1 waffle. Top peanut butter with 5 banana slices and 1 tablespoon raisins. Place second waffle on top and sandwich together. Repeat to make a total of 4 sandwiches. Serve on dinner plates.”

Okay. To start with, I find it a tad ridiculous that this incredibly simplistic recipe is in her cookbook. I feel like when I was a child I could have come up with the same thing. Does that make me a fabulous chef like Sandra Lee? Hell no…I don’t drink enough to match her awe-inspiring greatness.

Next, why does she have to give exact measurements for peanut butter and raisins? Wouldn’t children be able to put whatever amount they like on their crappy waffles without following her exact dictations of “2 tablespoons?” I know that when I put peanut butter on anything, I just glop it on without thinking of how many tablespoons I am spreading onto to my food. I think, in this case, she should have just said “spread as much peanut butter as desired.” Same with the raisins. These directions do not need to be so specific for the little kids supposedly using the cookbook.

Finally, why does she recommend that this culinary delight be served “on dinner plates?” Are paper plates too low-class for Sandy, or is she actually being cautious about the environment? My guess is she wanted to put in a specific brand for the plate, but the deal fell through so they left it in the cookbook sans recommendation. Darn…what a missed opportunity to brainwash the young’uns into buying her crap.

I find these early recipes within this first chapter bode much trouble for the rest of the Sandra’s culinary masterpiece. It’s like this cookbook is a weird amalgam of simplistic recipes by stoners with directions written by ruler-bearing schoolmarms who flinch at imprecise measurements. Plus, it’s supposed to be for KIDS. However, Sandra’s overtly condescending tone gives one the impression that this is marketed towards young adults, hip lingo and all, but that no kid would actually want to read it (the language is so uncool it’s painful to look at) and use it the way Sandra intended. Seriously, unless your child gets that this is a joke, do not give them this cookbook. It’s a disaster in the making that will leave your appliances, and your souls, deeply scarred.

Next week, the second chapter “Lazy Day Lunches” as we head into the second ring of the Inferno. As Sandra writes as her salutation in the introduction, Dish Delish!

The Nine Rings of Sandra Lee's Inferno: Cool Kids' Cooking

A Sampling of Sandra Lee's Kakes

As I promised to tantalize all of you with descriptions of the idiocyof Semi-Homemade, I have pulled together some images of Sandra's culinary creations.

The title of this article misspells "cakes" because of Sandra's own inclination to purposely misspell her items (see Kurtain Krafts).

Two of Sandra Lee's most infamous (and I use the term in its pejorative sense) kakes are her holiday cakes. Sandra's show, which one can often locate on YouTube or read about on TWoP's forum on Sandra Lee, is well known for its culturally insensitive takes on cultures different from
Sandra's.

Now, Miss Lee prides herself on being a good ol' girl (not Southern, like Paula Deen) from Washington/Wisconsin/California/whatever place she dreams up, so she does not take the time to learn about the authentic foods and traditions of various cultures. Rather, she enjoys assembling her own half-baked versions of deeply loved recipes that are more often offensive than celebratory.

Case in point: Sandra's Holiday Kakes. Some background on the episode in which BOTH cakes appear would be helpful to the novice. The two cakes depicted below were part of Sandra's FIRST holiday show, entitled simply "Holiday Show." Since this was her first season on Food Network (she has been on the air since 2003), viewers did not know what to expect from her.

They soon found out, however, that holidays for Sandra equal a priority on Christmas food and decorations with other religious holidays hastily shoved into the thirty-minute program.

Food Network describes this famous trainwreck of an episode, and instant classic to all shrikes out there, as such:

Holiday Show
Sandra shows us how to whip up some festive Holiday Treats. Sandra's making a Star of David Food Cake, Classic Holiday Wreath Cake and a Kwanzaa Celebration Cake. Then, we'll see how to make a Christmas Crescent Ring, and Sugar Plum Pops.

From this list of recipes, one can immediately sense the weight given to Christmas treats. This, I believe, is fine. Sandra is presumably Christian, so she has the right to give precedence to her own beliefs and values.

However, it is her attempt to be "respectful" of the diversity of religious holidays that disgusts me. If you can't take the time to learn about the traditional recipes of the culture (for example, I have learned much about brisket thanks to my Jewish fiance and his family), don't even bother
to do this PC crap. It's just pitiful and she should have stated outright that it was a Christmas, not Holiday, show. Probably the heads at Food Network forced her to add these recipes in, so really, they are as much to blame for what you see below as Sandra herself.

Anyway, enough background on this mess of a holiday program. Here are Sandra's Holiday Kakes in all of their glory:























Above, you will see an image of Sandra's first cake of the evening, the Star of David Angel Food Cake. This is a bright-blue frosted, grocery store AFC filled with marshmallows in its hole.

Now, I know what you might be saying. Wait, Jess, does that cake have too many points? Shouldn't a Star of David Cake have, I don't know...SIX points? Like the freakin' star does?

Yes, reader, I concur. Sandra's math skillz fail her in this culinary catastrophe, and the cake is left looking like a parody of a Hannukah cake.

And, as many shrikes have pointed out, the 'mallows she uses are not kosher, thus defeating the purpose of a traditional cake for the Jewish brethren. Way to be inclusive, you lush! But seriously, if Sandra invites you to her house for Hannukah, decline EVERYTHING if you're kosher. Who knows what she puts in the drinks, for God's sake. In fact, just make up an excuse and go to some fast food joint or something. Your stomach will certainly thank you.

Next, we have what is, to many, the epitome of Sandra's insensitivity:



This, my readers, is the famous Kwanzaa Celebration Cake.

Again, you may be asking yourself, how in the hell does this hideous abomination relate to Kwanzaa? Because she made the frosting a light brown color, similar to the skin of those who celebrate the holiday (semi-racist)? Or is it the GINORMOUS candles she stuck on top? Whatever logic one can deduce from Sandra's choices, it is obvious that this is not, in any way, shape, or form, a traditional cake of the African harvest holiday. Note the use of apple pie filling to fill in the hole. Perhaps, in Sandra's warped and alcohol-soaked mind, that was her notion of a harvest cake. Of course, there are no apples harvested in Africa, but don't tell Sandy that! She's too drunk to care.

Oh, and yes, those are corn nuts and pumpkin seeds adorning the frosting. I don't know why either.

























This is the interior of Sandra's Harvest Cake, or what I like to call,"A cake for white people." Even though it is thoroughly disgusting and features the same weird brown frosting of the original Kwanzaa cake, it is devoid of the lovely candles that are the main feature of the cake for
black people. Wow, how creative can one person be?

In conclusion, these images give you a better understanding of Sandra's kulinary kreations. She assumes, or the Food Network pushes, the need to include the various winter holidays on her first Christmas show. To fulfill her requirements, Sandy half-assedly (I think I made that term up) pulls some AFCs from the grocery store and SLops them up in the way only a show called Semi-Homemade would think was possible. These two cakes remain the quintessential viewing material for new shrikes and, as Sandra herself states in her earlier intro, "I'm thrilled to be able to share them withyou."

Up next: Some facts about Sandra's past, and a review of her cookbook for kids!

A Sampling of Sandra Lee's Kakes