AUSTRALIA AFTER DARK -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 12/13/11

 

If you're in the mood for something spicy, saucy, and hot, try some buffalo wings.  Otherwise, you may prefer AUSTRALIA AFTER DARK (1975), one of the dullest schock-u-mentaries ever.  It's like cashing in all your boredom points and taking a cross-country bus ride to Yawnsville.

Ozploitation director John Lamond, who would later give us NIGHTMARES (so to speak) and FELICITY, leads us on a MONDO CANE-inspired tour through the down-under of Down Under with this disjointed cinematic grab bag.  Opening with what looks like a poor man's Bond-movie titles sequence (nude blonde slowly rotates against black backdrop as strobe light flashes) and some understandably sad-looking aborigines, we're then treated to a leisurely succession of unrelated vignettes ranging in interest from slight to none, roughly half of which involve naked people. 

Unfortunately, Lamond's lens seems to have attracted some of the homeliest 'roo babes in Ozzie Land like moths to a flame, and some of them brought their butt-nekkid boyfriends with them.  As the monotonous narrator drones relentlessly on, we watch them sunbathing in the nude, swimming in the nude, painting each other's nude bodies, and nuding it up during Satan-worshipping rituals and custom bikini fittings.
 


The low-budget cinematography and painful 70s fashions combine with the meandering narrative to create an effect that's strangely enervating.  A promising drive through the King's Cross district (sort of like Times Square in its sleazy days) leads to a body-painting segment that resembles an old Alka-Seltzer ad.  A visit to a gathering of sado-masochists ends just as someone's being racked up, then segues into a study of ancient aboriginal rock paintings, a tour of the gallows at Old Melbourne Gaol, and an upper-class restaurant that serves snakes and grubs.  It's kind of like watching "History Channel After Dark."

More weirdly boring stuff includes a bunch of beer-guzzling losers in a field betting on a game in which they toss coins onto an outstretched blanket, followed by some waterless boat races held in an arid region (even during this non-sexual sequence, the camera lingers under a stairway and peeks up the skirts of passing girls like a dirty old man).  Then, before we've had a chance to catch our breath, the film whisks us out to the airport to watch planes taxi around for awhile.  It's exciting because this is how jet-setters travel to different places!

After tattling on the inordinate alcoholic intake (52 gallons per person annually) in Australia's Northern territories and showing us more sad aborigines boozing their troubles away, we go to the country's gay capitol, Perth, to witness (gasp) two guys getting married.  This sequence proves once and for all that gay weddings are just as boring as straight ones, and we don't even get cake.  A sexually-ambiguous stripper performs, then a woman talks about all the "saucer craft" that have landed in her field as we see a montage of familiar UFO photographs.



Things start to heat up a tad when a naked blonde is tied to an inverted cross and boffed by a guy in a fright mask (it's those pesky Satan-worshippers I mentioned before).  A lengthy stretch near the end tries to regain our dwindling attention by focusing entirely on nude women engaged in various activities such as bathing in milk and mud (the latter being a spiritual return to the primordial slime or whatever) and having guys slurp food off their bodies.  Dispensing with the subject of Australia altogether, the narrator then gives us a lecture on what a "fetish" is while a lingerie-clad woman poses.

In the penultimate segment, we meet transvestite oddball Count Cornelius, who is what you might call a "lifestyle comedian."  The Count amuses himself by spouting proclamations ("Beautiful schoolgirls remind me of sexy nuns") and festooning his environment with placards containing "Laugh-In" style one-liners.  Talk about After-Darksville!  The film mercifully draws to a close at last with some relaxing shots of a nude Gina Allen snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef with some fish, as the narrator informs us that she's returning to--you guessed it--the primordial something or other.

After trying to find a way to enjoy this movie--the usually surefire "so bad it's good" deal wasn't working here--I finally realized that a trancelike surrender is required to endure it, much like the educational films they tried to bore us to death with in grade school (only with more full-frontal nudity).  One of the nicer things about AUSTRALIA AFTER DARK is that the score seems to have been gleaned from the same music library used by the better porn filmmakers of the 70s.

The DVD from Intervision is "fully restored from a print discovered in the cellar of the Lower Wonga Drive-In" and is widescreen with Dolby Digital 2.0 sound.  There's an audio commentary with director Lamond and "Not Quite Hollywood" director Mark Hartley, but my copy of the DVD seems to be missing the trailer reel mentioned on the box. 

About as shocking and titillating as a pile of wet socks, AUSTRALIA AFTER DARK does boast a kind of tranquil monotony, and is, in the words of Douglas Adams, "mostly harmless."  Finally making it to the end credits is a catharsis similar to walking out of the hospital after a long stay--you feel weak as a kitten but pleasantly relieved that it's over.

AUSTRALIA AFTER DARK -- DVD Review by Porfle

THE ABC OF LOVE AND SEX AUSTRALIA STYLE -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 12/18/11

 

Ozploitation director John D. Lamond returns to titillate us once again with 1978's THE ABC OF LOVE AND SEX AUSTRALIA STYLE, a by-the-letters primer on "doin' it" that manages the remarkable feat of making sex boring.

Unlike the previous Lamond documentary we talked about, AUSTRALIA AFTER DARK, this one eschews the scattershot approach and focuses on a single subject.  Assuming we know little or nothing about it ourselves, the film opens during Professor Leonard Lovitt's sex education class for kids and invites us to join them in listening to his lecture.  This sequence is done with stop-motion animated puppets and is pretty much the only marginally charming part of the whole thing. 

As the professor starts his projector, the film proper begins with two women in leotards dancing badly around some giant alphabet blocks to an innocuous disco tune.  This gives way to a letter-by-letter journey through the alphabet beginning with "A" for "anatomy", in which we're introduced to the differences between male and female genitalia.  (More on that when we get to the letter "G.")  "B" is for "birth", offering some extreme close-ups of a nursing baby that had me thinking, "Huh?"

 

"C" for "contraceptive" seems to be an excuse for some product placement along the lines of the "Budget Rent-a-Car" shots in AUSTRALIA AFTER DARK, and "D" for "dreams" informs us that people like to dream about sex.  Surprisingly, "E" for "erotic", while managing to define the word, comes up short actually demonstrating it.  An attempt to mimic the "erotic" eating scene in TOM JONES consists of two stiffs staring meaningfully at each other while gnashing chicken, grapes, and bananas in an affected manner.  

Elsewhere, another couple pretend to have oral sex in a movie theater--mainly we just see the guy's face--and then join the "mile-high club" by kissing real hard in an airplane.  Kissing real hard seems to be the prevalent means of simulating the sex act in many of these vignettes. 

"F" for "fun" shows us a couple of people hopping around in a bubble bath.  "H" for "homosexual" is an excuse to indulge in "funny" stereotypes as a bunch of queens camp it up during a gay party, followed by a somewhat more enjoyable lesbian encounter.  "Innocence" is equated with "ignorance" as virginity gets the bird.  The scenario used to illustrate "J" for "jealousy", in which a woman tries to pick up a man in a bar, is intended as a startling role-reversal while having nothing at all to do with "jealousy."  As you might guess, "K" for "kiss" shows various couples kissing real hard.

Onward we slog through the rest of the letters as "love", "masturbation", something starting with an "N" that I can't recall, and of course the big "O" are similarly dramatised in lighthearted but relentlessly dull fashion as narrators Michael Cole and Sandy Gore drone monotonously.  This isn't just a parody of a dry, clinical sex manual--it often comes off as one, even throwing in the occasional comment by some Swedish sexologist who resembles Quasimodo's mom.  For anyone actually trying to get off to this movie, her appearances would be the equivalent of thinking about baseball. 

 

It's hard to imagine this tepid pseudo-educational film appealing to the raincoat crowd, though, or even the "watch naughty movies on cable after Mom and Dad have gone to bed" faction.  Observing various (mainly unattractive) couples acting out the enervating voiceover isn't the kind of thing one might want to use as a sex aid, or see at a drive-in or grindhouse.  So who the heck is this largely unerotic sex movie meant to appeal to?  Even the captive audience of an actual "Introduction to Sex" class would find it hard to sit through.

Aside from a snippet of cuteness here and there (the elevator-sex scene reaches the film's peak of verbal humor by deftly including the words "lift" and "elevate" in the narration), the only interest is in the brief bits of nudity, including, at around the halfway point, some actual shots of penetration. 

However, for any couples desperate enough to be using this film to put a cheerful charge into their love life, up jumps "R" for "rape" to throw some cold water on it with a jarringly out-of-place lapse into grim seriousness.  Lamond cheats a bit by giving us "X" for "excellence", and then "Y" for "you" gives him an excuse to recap the entire film with a montage of scenes that were already dull the first time.  As for "Z"...well, he couldn't think of anything for "Z."  What about "zipper"?  Or "zoo"?  Okay, maybe not "zoo."

The DVD from Intervision Picture Corp. is widescreen with Dolby 2.0 sound.  No subtitles.  There's a commentary with director Lamond and "Not Quite Hollywood" director Mark Hartley.  The box mentions a trailer reel but I couldn't find one.

A mildly interesting peek at 70s sexual mores and dull filmmaking, THE ABC OF LOVE AND SEX AUSTRALIA STYLE (which, incidentally, has absolutely nothing to do with Australia) pits lots of nudity and some brief scenes of hardcore sex against unrelenting boredom in a touch-and-go battle that left me teetering on the edge of indifference.  Around about the twentieth time some random couple was shown toying with each other's buttons and kissing real hard, I found myself wishing the alphabet wasn't so darn long.

 

THE ABC OF LOVE AND SEX AUSTRALIA STYLE -- DVD Review by Porfle

THAT'S SEXPLOITATION! -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 4/1/16

 

If you recognized the lovely face of 50s burlesque star Tempest Storm on the cover and it made you smile, then chances are Severin's new Blu-ray release of THAT'S SEXPLOITATION! (2013) will be right up your grindhouse aisle.

Host Frank Henenlotter, writer and director of the cult classic BASKET CASE, not only performs the same duties here but also gets his friend David F. Friedman to appear on-camera throughout. 

Friedman, as many will know, was the veteran producer/showman who gave us such films as BLOOD FEAST and was integral in supplying the roadshow crowd with many of their favorite nudie flicks over the years.

Sitting amidst his own personal gallery of priceless movie posters and memorabilia, Friedman's equally priceless recollections offer colorful firsthand accounts of the history of sexploitation films while we get to watch one great clip after another.

This history of naughty movies begins with those wonderfully ancient-looking silent loops from the 20s, which feature some very cute (and not-so-cute) young ladies cavoting in the forest as wood nymphs, skinny-dipping in someone's swimming pool, or taking part in a variety of other charming vignettes. 

There's full nudity but it's downright tasteful compared to what later years would bring.  These early nudie films were usually distributed in 16mm for private showings to adult (usually all-male) audiences before the advent of adult theaters.



The documentary takes us into the world of the sexploitation pictures of the 30s and 40s (such as HIGH SCHOOL GIRL and SEX MADNESS) which presented audiences with the most lurid tales of sex, drugs, abortion, and venereal disease under the guise of instructive cautionary screeds and "hygiene" films.

Then we get a pictorial tour of the nudist camp frolics of the 50s, with healthy, robust nudes reveling in the joys of sunshine and nature for our leering pleasure, courtesy of such directors as Herschel Gordon Lewis, Russ Meyer, Doris Wishman, and Francis Ford Coppola. 

There's also a sampling of the burlesque flicks which were basically filmed records of the typical burlesque shows of the era.  These feature such recognizable faces and bodies such as Tempest Storm, Bettie Page, and Blaze Starr in addition to numerous less-renowned dancers. 

Things really heat up with Friedman's favorite decade, the 60s, which he refers to as "the decade of innocent decadence."  In addition to the usual nudie loops there was the new mix of sex and violence known as "roughies" as well as an increasingly daring amount of full nudity and simulated sex. 

Meanwhile, homosexuality was explored mainly in the New York underground film scene, while the current culture of hippies, drugs, and rebellion provided experimental young directors with ample subject matter for their nude fantasies. 

The documentary ends on a melancholy note as the decade of the 70s heralds the gradual changeover from titillating exploitation to anything-goes hardcore.  As Friedman wistfully puts it, "The movies became explicit, and the fun stopped."

For those watching this disc, however, the fun's just beginning.  For the extras menu, Something Weird Video has opened up their vaults to offer us over three hours of rare nudie cuties, drive-in bumpers, "infomercials" for the sex manuals which were sold in theater lobbies, burlesque shorts, and longer features including a condensed (55 minutes) version of Joe Sarno's MOONLIGHTING WIVES and another about Mafia party girls entitled THE SIN SYNDICATE. 

The commentary track is a conversation between Frank Henlotter and Something Weird's Lisa Petrucci which is wonderfully informative, with lots of great anecdotes about the late David F. Friedman who passed away shortly after his participation in this film.  A trailer rounds out the bonus selection.

Anyone who ever ordered nudie films from the back of a girlie magazine and can still hear them clattering surreptiously through their home movie projector should experience a wave of nostalgia while watching THAT'S SEXPLOITATION!  And even if you don't remember those times, this exhilarating wallow in undiluted kitsch is a fun introduction to them. 

THAT'S SEXPLOITATION! -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

THE HOT NIGHTS OF LINDA -- Blu-ray/ DVD review by porfle

 Originally posted on 10/12/2013

 

The third film (the first two being THE SINISTER EYES OF DR. ORLOFF and PAULA-PAULA) in my admittedly limited experience with the late cinematic superstar Jess Franco, THE HOT NIGHTS OF LINDA (1975), aka "Les nuits brûlantes de Linda" and "But Who Raped Linda?", leaves me still trying to catch that vibe which seems to attract so many Franco-philes to the prolific director's highly eclectic assortment of films like moths to a flame.   

Still, this strange, slapdash, often tawdry exercise in exploitation is brimming with enough perverse sex,  violence, and off-kilter oddness to hold our attention even through a few seemingly interminable stretches.  It begins with a Frenchwoman named Marie-France Bertrand (the voluptuous Alice Arno) being hired by Greek millionaire Mr. Steiner (Paul Muller) to live in his beachfront villa and care for his invalid daughter Linda (Catherine Lafferière) and psychologically disturbed niece Olivia (Franco mainstay Lina Romay). 

Unfortunately,  the feeble-minded Linda will respond only to Steiner's mute manservant Abdul (Pierre Taylou),  a kindly soul who dotes on Linda while drooling over Olivia from afar.  This is exacerbated by the fact that the oversexed Olivia, although still a virgin, sheds her clothes and starts furiously masturbating at the drop of a hat.  Marie-France herself eventually gets sucked into Olivia's gravitational pull until she begins to realize how flakey she really is. 

The film's title is a misnomer since the only "hot night" Linda has is the one in which Olivia sneaks into her bedroom and rapes her.  This sexually voracious nutcase also ravishes an incredulous Abdul in return for him sneaking into Mr. Steiner's room and retrieving the key to a bedroom he keeps sealed.  Here,  years ago, the adolescent Linda witnessed her uncle murder the man who was having an affair with his wife Lorna, who later committed suicide.

This rambling,  almost  stream-of-consciousness story is, like so many of its kind,  the framework on which to hang a succession of perverse sexual situations that build to a violent climax.  Much of the running time consists of Franco languidly caressing Lina Romay's nude body with his camera, whether she's rolling around in bed pleasuring herself or forcing herself sexually on some unsuspecting victim.  Other nudity includes a sunbathing Linda and some glimpses of Marie-France's ample form, in addition to a sequence in which Mr. Steiner chains a naked Abdul to a wall and canes him severely as punishment for "touching" Olivia. 

There's more to this story, however.  The first 2,500 copies of Severin Films' Blu-ray/ DVD combo set also include a third disc containing what they call the "rare alternate banana version" of THE HOT NIGHTS OF LINDA.  This is the hardcore French cut, with much more nudity and graphic sex which Franco lensed himself since he knew that such scenes would be added anyway.  Some scenes are merely reshot with the actresses exchanging the same dialogue in the nude rather than clothed, while Romay's masturbation sessions, as well as her lesbian encounters with Alice Arno and Catherine Lafferière, are much more up close and personal. 

The term "banana version" is derived from the scene in which Olivia rapes the helpless Linda--here, she uses the fruit in question as an impromptu phallic substitute, drawing a stream of vaginal blood (which doesn't score too high on my eroto-meter).  Elsewhere, her heated coupling with Abdul now includes some dreadfully unappealing fellatio that's shot in such extreme closeup that the camera often meanders around in a mish-mash of blurred flesh. 

Missing from the "banana version" is an entire comedy-relief subplot about a rotund police inspector (Angelo Bassi) and a female tabloid photographer who are staking out Mr. Steiner's residence.  (This was added to the softcore version to fill in the gaps from all the deleted X-rated material.)  An entire murder scene is gone as well, making the ending somewhat less violent. 

While the softcore print, from a 35mm source, is fairly good with occasional flaws (some of them a bit jarring), the "banana version" seems to have been dubbed from a finely-aged videotape copy complete with choppy editing,  bad sound, and awful picture quality.  Still,  it is in the original French with English subtitles, whereas the edited version is badly dubbed in English--lips sometimes move without accompanying dialogue, and the mute Abdul's grunting noises are similar to those of the closet monster in THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE. 

Severin Films' Blu-ray/DVD combo set is in 2.35:1 widescreen with English mono sound (French on the subtitled limited-edition disc).  Franco fans will enjoy the two bonus interviews, one with the director alone and another with both him and his beloved muse Lina.  David Gregory (director of "Ban the Sadist Videos!") offers a short segment with genre author Stephen Thrower discussing the film.   In another brief clip,  we see Franco receiving the Fantastic Fest Lifetime Achievement Award with Lina by his side.   Some outtakes--mostly of Olivia and Abdul's sex scene,  plus Alice Arno rolling around naked in bed--and a trailer round out the extras.

Jess Franco's most impressive quality, to me, is how prolific he was--a compulsive, seat-of-his-pants filmmaker who didn't lavish a lot of time and care on his films, giving them a hit-or-miss quality which makes them, at the very least, interesting to watch.  THE HOT NIGHTS OF LINDA is that, but not much more.   Unless,  of course,  you're tuned into that special Franco vibe that has so far managed to elude me.

THE HOT NIGHTS OF LINDA -- Blu-ray/ DVD review by porfle

TWO FEMALE SPIES WITH FLOWERED PANTIES -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

 Originally posted on 9/2/2017

 

I continue to find the cinematic output of prolific Spanish filmmaker Jess Franco to be a mild diversion at best, as in VAMPYROS LESBOS and SHE KILLED IN ECSTASY.  (Or at worst, as in PAULA-PAULA.)

But whatever it is about Franco's work that has attracted so many avid followers over the years, they're likely to find it in his 1980 softcore-sex-and-spy potboiler TWO FEMALE SPIES WITH FLOWERED PANTIES, aka "Ópalo de fuego".

As usual, Franco shoots with a half-artistic, half-artless style that's slapdash one moment and somewhat striking the next--owing some of the latter, it seems, to good fortune.  The shaky zooms and pans characteristic of his work go hand-in-hand with some shots that have sort of a rough-hewn arthouse look.

Franco's lifelong love Lina Romay (THE HOT NIGHTS OF LINDA) stars as Cecile, an exotic dancer whose year-long prison sentence for "indecency" will be erased if she agrees to go to the Canary Islands and spy on some suspected sex-slavers for the French secret service. 

Cecile agrees and, along with her beautiful but airheaded dancing partner Brigitte, is soon occupying a posh hotel suite next to the mansion of main suspects Mr. and Mrs. Forbes.

They also end up dancing (if you can call it that) in the Forbes' swank nightclub where Cecile's contact, Milton, also works.  Milton's one of those "is he or isn't he?" characters who's gay one minute and straight the next, and some comedy is derived from Brigitte becoming infatuated with and practically raping him.

Franco, in fact, seems to enjoy juxtaposing such lighthearted scenes with those of rape (the Forbeses breaking in a new captive meant to be sold as sex slave to some perverted millionaire) and sadism (a captured Cecile being sexually tortured by evil Forbes henchwomen who enjoy inflicting pain).

While there's certainly nothing here on the level of one of the "Ilsa" flicks, some scenes are quite startling in their strong content compared to the almost innocuous spy antics of the rest of the film.

For the most part, however, TWO FEMALE SPIES WITH FLOWERED PANTIES is pretty unremarkable as either comedy or suspense thriller.  While passable entertainment for the patient viewer, many scenes tend to drag, even those meant to be erotic (as when Mr. and Mrs. Forbes hash out their weird marital sex problems).

The film's main appeal, as it were, is a likable performance by the voluptuous Romay, portraying a character whose lack of spy smarts is made up for by tons of spunk and a kind of fearless innocence. 

Some political intrigue and a couple of shocking murders (with more of that jarring torture which seems almost out of place) build to a fairly lively action climax involving members of a hippie/biker commune who have taken a liking to Cecile and decided to come to her rescue.

The 2-disc set from Severin Films (with reversible box cover) contains the movie proper on Blu-ray disc, in both English and French with English subtitles.  In addition to a trailer and some silent outtakes, the bonus menu contains interviews with Franco and film composer Daniel White, along with an informative and insightful look at the film by Stephen Thrower.

Disc two (DVD) is the alternate cut of the film entitled "Ópalo de fuego" which differs considerably, containing much that is missing from the longer cut while also lacking many of its key scenes, especially those of a sexual nature.  The reason for this odd alternate cut is a mystery even to Franco expert Thrower, making it an interesting novelty.

Generally speaking, this tepid spy adventure barely gets by on Lina Romay's charm and a wealth of nudity and twisted eroticism.  But as a Jess Franco film, TWO FEMALE SPIES WITH FLOWERED PANTIES will no doubt be of great interest to those who find the study of both him and the evolution of his filmography to be an object of endless fascination.

Buy it at Severin Films

TWO FEMALE SPIES WITH FLOWERED PANTIES -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

PAULA-PAULA -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 1/29/11

 

For his 209th movie, prolific Spanish director Jesús "Jess" Franco has made what he calls "an audio-visual experience" entitled PAULA-PAULA (2010).  In literal terms I suppose that's an accurate way to describe it, but holy cats, is this thing boring.  You could probably have an equally rewarding audio-visual experience by putting an album on and watching a lava lamp for an hour.

The story begins with a distraught, disoriented Paula (Carmen Montes) being taken into custody, apparently for having killed her friend who was also named Paula (Paula Davis).  Under questioning by a female officer (a briefly-seen Lina Romay), Paula-1 claims not to have done it although she hated her.  Then she lets slip that she has tried to kill her numerous times without success.

Later, we see Paula-1 dancing naked in a room, aware that a young police sergeant is peeking through the door.  If I had to choose a favorite part of the movie it would be this scene, since Carmen Montes is beautiful, has a great body, and isn't moving in super slow-motion.
 

Intercut with this are flashbacks of Paula-2 dancing in an apartment.  She wears a belly-dancer's outfit and undulates in front of a silver mylar backdrop, moving ever-so-slowly as a mirrored split-screen effect turns her body into abstract shapes.  Sitting in a chair in a revealing dress, Paula-1 watches her with fascination.  From this point on, the pace becomes practically glacial.

About halfway through, Paula-1 relates a brief story which will come into play at the end.  Then the two Paulas finally get together for about twenty minutes of mild softcore sex, all in maddening slow-motion that had me struggling to stay awake.  (This is the first film I've seen in ages that literally put me to sleep.)  After some more split-screen effects, PAULA-PAULA mercifully ends pretty much the way we expect it to.

This is the sort of thing you might've stumbled onto a roomful of stoned hippies watching back in the 60s while muttering "wow, man..."  With much of the film's running time consisting of plotless, enervating visuals, I began to appreciate the hot freeform jazz score by Friederich Gulda which plays continuously with no direct connection with the actions onscreen.


The DVD from Intervision is in widescreen with Dolby 2.0 sound.  Language is Spanish with English subtitles.  Extras consist of three Franco featurettes--an introduction to the film, a more detailed discussion of it, and, most interesting, the venerable director's thoughts on the state of contemporary filmmaking.

According to the titles, this is based on Stevenson's Jekyll and Hyde story, but it might as well have been based on "Green Eggs and Ham" for all the relevance this has to the film.  Although PAULA-PAULA seemingly aspires to be a cinematic equivalent to its frenetic jazz score, what it basically amounts to is Jess Franco dicking around for 67 minutes.

PAULA-PAULA -- DVD Review by Porfle

HELL HUNTERS -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 7/7/16

 

Interesting Brazilian locations, including Rio de Janeiro's fabled carnival, and some venerable actors doing a little slumming highlight the cheap-but-fun action thriller HELL HUNTERS (1986), now on DVD from Film Chest. 

An aging but lively Stewart Granger seems to be having a good time playing mad scientist Martin Hoffmann, an escaped Nazi (loosely based on Joseph Mengele) living in South America and performing experiments he hopes will result in a serum that will turn people into Hitler-heiling zombies.

Meanwhile, a rag-tag group of armed Nazi hunters headed by Amanda (Maud Adams, THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN, OCTOPUSSY) keep pursuing Hoffman through the Brazilian jungles.  An early gunfight between the two factions helps kickstart the film.

Amanda even goes so far as to marry Hoffman's nephew so that he'll take her to the ex-Nazi's secret jungle compound, the route to which she records in her diary before she's assassinated by Hoffman's lethal toady El Pasado (Eduardo Conde) in a suspenseful scene that takes place in an airport bathroom.

When Amanda's estranged daughter Ally (Candice Daly) comes to Brazil to attend her mother's funeral, she gets caught up in the search for Hoffman and gets a taste for revenge in which her training in self-defense and target shooting comes in handy.

What follows is a rather lighthearted--as well as lightweight--action flick with some touchy romantic interplay between the skittish Ally and an amorous young Nazi hunter named Tonio (Rômulo Arantes) that yields much amusingly bad dialogue and a softcore sex scene or two. 

Tonio's female partner Nelia (Nelia J. Cozza) is a dark, sassy beauty who likes to leap into the fray right alongside the guys even when the bullets are flying fast and furious. 

During the group's foray up the river toward Hoffman's elusive hideout (one of the production companies mentioned in the credits is called "Heart of Darkness") they pick up a man-mountain named Kong (Russ McCubbin) who adds to the film's comedy-relief quotient as well as ramping up the amount of physical mayhem whenever they confront the bad guys.

The inevitable bullet-riddled climax pays off pretty well for such a modest production, reminding me a bit of the finale of Ted V. Mikels' THE DOLL SQUAD (1973).  Nothing really amazing happens, but like the rest of the film it's well-paced and competently handled by director Ernst R. von Theumer, who also manages a nifty chase scene in and around Rio de Janeiro earlier in the film.

 

Acting is all over the place among the lesser members of the cast although they all seem to be having a good time.  Aside from the jovial Granger, Maud Adams is more appealing to me here than in both her previous Bond appearances.  And speaking of Bond, one-time 007 George Lazenby (ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE) makes a brief but welcome appearance as one of Hoffman's associates. 

The DVD from Film Chest is in 16x9 widescreen and is "restored in HD from the original 35mm print."  Meaning that the visual quality won't knock your socks off but it looks pretty good for a film of its age and low budget.  No extras. 

There are those, of course, to whom HELL HUNTERS will be well out of their tolerance range for low-budget and hopelessly hokey action flicks.  For me, however, it was a nice bit of good, clean, nostalgic fun. 

HELL HUNTERS -- DVD Review by Porfle

FIRE ON THE AMAZON -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 1/10/11

 

At first glance, FIRE ON THE AMAZON (1993) appears to be the usual Hollywood attempt to mix issues--in this case, saving the Amazon rainforest--with thriller elements.  But this Roger Corman production soon reveals itself to be nothing more than a cheesy potboiler, and not a particularly good one at that.

Craig Sheffer plays R.J. O'Brien, who's in South America covering the murder of a rainforest crusader named Santo.  R.J. is one of those renegade American photojournalists who only care about getting the story, and not about what the story means.  But we know his neutrality won't last long when he meets cutie-pie Alyssa Rothman (Sandra Bullock), a Santo supporter who looks good in tight jeans.  When an Indian is framed for the murder and later found dead in his cell, R.J. and Alyssa enlist the help of the man's brother Ataninde (Juan Fernández) in a dangerous play against the corrupt local police. 

It's hard to believe this choppy, rinky-dink action flick was directed by Luis Llosa, whose ANACONDA and THE SPECIALIST at least had a measure of competence.  Bad editing works against the film throughout, but slapdash staging and unconvincing performances are major factors as well.  Visually, it resembles something you'd see at the drive-in during the 70s.  The script, interestingly enough, is co-written by one of my favorite actresses, Corman regular Luana Anders (EASY RIDER, DEMENTIA 13).
 

The environmental angle itself is given just enough lip-service to keep the plot moving while lending the film an air of respectability.  Ultimately, however, it's no more relevant than a Western about evil cattle ranchers and corrupt sheriffs versus noble sodbusters.  It does give R.J. and Alyssa an excuse to follow Ataninde deep into the jungle, where his brother's funeral allows director Llosa to film one of those weird tribal ceremonies where the white observers are given a hallucinogenic substance and trip out.

Here, right smack-dab in the middle of this guy's funeral, Sheffer and Bullock have a wildly-inappropriate softcore sex scene that's utterly ridiculous.  I'm not just talking about bare-shouldered groping and peekaboo stuff--it's the whole everything-but-the-genitalia routine, with the two tongue-wrestling leads humping away like they're in a Penthouse video.  At this point it becomes pretty clear that we're watching a standard exploitation flick that wears its loftier aspirations like a G-string. 

As R.J., Craig Sheffer is his usual Craig Sheffer self, neither very bad nor very good--his hair actually outperforms him--while Sandra Bullock gives her standard "I can't believe she's an Oscar winner" performance.  (In one scene she expresses grave concern by holding her nose.)  Judith Chapman of "The Young and The Restless" co-stars.


There's some pretty passable shoot-em-up action here and there, and an old-fashioned cliffhanger sequence with R.J. bound to a chair next to a ticking time bomb.  Most of the castmembers are held hostage at one point or another, with a gun or knife pressed menacingly against their throats.  This happens with such regularity that in one scene it appears as though Sheffer's character is holding himself hostage.  (Okay, I'm exaggerating.) 

The DVD from Anchor Bay is in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen with Dolby Digital 5.1 sound and English subtitles.  The sole extra is a hilariously cheesy trailer. 

If you take FIRE ON THE AMAZON for what it is, a lively but dumb exploitation flick, you might find it somewhat entertaining.  (Especially if you just want to see Sandra Bullock naked.)  But if you're looking for a film with something genuinely important to say about the Amazon rainforest, you're barking up the wrong tree.

FIRE ON THE AMAZON -- DVD Review by Porfle

DONKEY PUNCH -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 3/25/09

 

Seven young Brits on holiday in Spain go from party to Purgatory with a single DONKEY PUNCH (2008), director Olly Blackburn's deviously clever and exhilaratingly tense horror-thriller.

Three sexy lasses--Kim (cute-as-a-button Jamie Winstone), blonde babe Lisa (Sian Breckin), and their more reserved friend Tammi (Nichola Burley), who's nursing a broken heart--hook up with party boys Marcus, Josh, and Bluey (Jay Taylor, Julian Morris, and Tom Burke, respectively) in a nightclub on the Spanish coast. The boys are tending a luxury yacht while the owners are away and invite the girls aboard, where they meet the more reserved Sean (Robert Boulter), who we just know is going to hit it off with Tammi.

Taking the yacht out onto the open sea, the thrill-seeking yoots delve into a hedonistic free-for-all of booze, drugs, and "sexy time." While Sean and Tammi have a nice, reserved heart-to-heart chat on deck, the others soon retire to the master bedroom to indulge in enough wild softcore sex for three Skinemax flicks put together. Bluey invites shy observer Josh into the mix, but in his moment of peak excitement he foolishly applies a move jokingly referred to earlier by Bluey--you guessed it, the dreaded "donkey punch"--and in one terrible instant one of the girls is dead and the rest of the bunch suddenly has a serious problem on their hands.

Up to this point Blackburn has directed the film with the light touch of a teen sex romp, but with an underlying bad-vibes tone that lets us know things are gonna go wrong. Even the musical score somehow sounds a little off as it slithers its way around the action with a hint of mockery. The sex scene, which is probably the main reason this film is being sold in both rated and unrated versions, starts out slow and then picks up momentum until it's out of control. In another movie such graphic debauchery would seem gratuitious, but here it's necessary to convey the mindless abandon that leads to that one fateful mistake which plunges everyone into their worst nightmare.

The story then becomes a deliberate, inevitable progression from bad to worst as the guys hotly debate whether or not to cover up the deed while the remaining girls, who have no intention of watching their friend's body being dumped overboard and then complying with a fake story, begin to realize what a tenuous position they're in. The conflict will become more deadly as the situation devolves. At this point screenwriters Blackburn and David Bloom start ratcheting up the nailbiting suspense and bloody mayhem until the former pleasure cruise becomes a frenzy of survival instincts gone wild.

Blackburn deftly choreographs his actors, all of whom are very good (especially my future wife, Jamie Winstone), and the camera flows beautifully throughout the yacht's confines with an unobtrusive documentary style that's effective rather than affected-looking. It's all very straightforwardly done, with no hokey jump scares or musical stings, in an almost real-time way that makes us feel like we're a part of the relentlessly unfolding events. Once things get started, there are no lulls in the action and the suspense is kept increasingly taut until the fadeout. It's like stepping onto a carnival ride that doesn't let up until it's over.

The DVD from Magnolia Home Entertainment's Magnet label is in 1.85:1 widescreen with Dolby Digital sound, which look and sound fine. Extras include a director/producer commentary track, a "making of" featurette, interviews with director Blackburn and the cast, deleted scenes, and trailers for this and the other films in the Six Shooter Film Series. As stated before, the DVD is available in both rated and unrated versions. I got to see the unrated version (heh, heh) so I'm not sure exactly what you'll be missing out on with the other one, although I'm willing to bet it'll mostly have something to do with that orgy sequence.

DONKEY PUNCH is a finely-wrought exploitation flick with a really good cast and production values, and generous helpings of sex and violence to augment its harrowingly suspenseful story. And as a cautionary tale, it should succeed in reminding today's youth that boys and girls can have a cracking good time together without the need of anyone whipping out the old donkey punch for any reason whatsoever.

DONKEY PUNCH -- DVD Review by Porfle

JOY & JOAN -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 8/13/10

 

Where 1983's softcore sex romp JOY left off, JOY & JOAN (1985) picks up and continues with the life story of a vacuous supermodel (Brigitte Lahaie) whose successful career is overshadowed by a troublesome love life.  This time, after suffering continued setbacks in her relationships with men, Joy decides to try her luck playing on the other team for change.  Will it be a whole new romantic revelation, or just the same old grind with different underwear?

As the story opens, poor Joy is finding it hard to smile during a photo shoot.  Sometimes the life of a supermodel can be so hard!  Her heartthrob and Daddy-figure, Marc (played this time by younger actor Jean-Marc Maurel), blithely refuses to commit to her and is about to flit off to Thailand on a writing assignment.  So Joy cleverly beguiles her other older-guy lover, Bruce (played this time by older actor Pierre Londiche) into taking her there, too.  But the terminally smitten Bruce has a few perverse plans for Joy up his sleeve (among other areas) and, while staying at the luxurious villa of the creepy Prince Cornelius, things begin to get so strange that Joy is forced to flee in order to preserve her...virtue?

Stranded in Thailand without any money or champagne, Joy meets a lovely and vivacious young woman named Joan (Isabelle Solar) who divides her time between being a tour guide and conning rich old men out of their money.  Joan falls head over heels for Joy and they start making out like a couple of girl rabbits.  Things go well for awhile, but after a traumatic S&M gangbang in a dank grotto in the Philippines, Joy finds her way back to France alone.  Will Joan be able to find her again and rekindle their romance?  And what about Marc?  Will Joy be okay?

JOY & JOAN has all the slick production values of the original film but is more creatively shot and edited, with a story that actually manages to be interesting from time to time.  The travelogue elements are fine as Joy finds herself amidst some beautiful locations in Thailand and the Philippines, particularly during some stunningly-photographed beach idylls and a sightseeing tour through the waterways of Singapore. 

The first half of the film is the best, as Bruce's weird side emerges when they arrive at Cornelius' palatial estate and meet the man himself, a quivering little troll who openly lusts after Joy.  Bruce goes all out to celebrate her birthday, inviting a crowd of formally-attired pervs to queue up and take a Joy-ride after the naughty voyeur has drugged her drink and laid her out on a huge chaise lounge under the stars.  This tastefully bizarre and delightfully strange sequence is like something a more restrained Ken Russell might cook up, especially when a mock orchestra and portly opera singer start mimicking a recording of "Madame Butterfly" while Cornelius giddily hops around in a bandleader outfit and baton. 

When Joy finally gets away from Bruce with the help of his exotic Malaysian slave girl Millarca (after a tender lesbian interlude, natch), her encounter with Joan leads to several steamy erotic sequences which take place in beds, beaches, trains, and just about any other location with a horizontal surface.  The story rolls lazily along at this point but never really grinds to a halt, and, after the bad business in that grotto, relocates back to Paris for a fairly interesting resolution in which Marc gets back into the act. 

While she has a lot of loyal fans, I think Brigitte Lahaie lacks charisma and due to her often sluggish performance the character of Joy seems more vapid than ever.  However, this shouldn't matter very much to those interested in seeing her naked, because she and the other female leads spend a great deal of time shucking their clothes and making out with each other in classic soft-porn style.  When she isn't going one-on-one with Joan or Millarca, Joy sometimes finds herself akin to an amusement park ride that everyone wants a turn on, and it isn't always consensual--one of the drawbacks of being dangerously irresistible. 

The rest of the cast carry their weight and a few of them stand out.  As the pathetic Prince Cornelius, Jacques Bryland ultimately manages to give an unexpected depth to his almost farcical character as he pines for Joy from afar and ends up chasing her across continents.  Maria Isabel Lopez also makes an impression as the melancholy slave girl Millarca, who helps Joy escape from her master's clutches.  Isabelle Solar makes an appealing but not all that exciting Joan, while Jean-Marc Maurel is carefree roguishness personified as the happily faithless Marc.

The DVD from Severin Films is 1.85:1 widescreen with a Dolby 2.0 French soundtrack and English subtitles.  No extras.

Definitely more substantial storywise than its predecessor, JOY & JOAN is still pretty lightweight drama.  However, it makes up for this with some nice visuals, offbeat scenes, exotic scenery, attractive stars, and lots and lots of nudity and sex.  For this kind of film, you probably can't ask for much more than that.

JOY & JOAN -- DVD Review by Porfle

JOY -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 8/12/10

 

"Mostly harmless" is how Douglas Adams might have described Italian director Serge Bergon's softcore sex flick JOY (1983).  He may have also added "mostly not all that interesting, either", although it's a pleasant enough film that's easy on the eyes and features several yards of Claudia Udy's bare skin during its running time.

After a pretty title song, we meet Joy as a little girl who catches Mom and Dad making out on a rug in front of the fireplace.  Years later she becomes a model whose preoccupation with casual sex and a glittery lifestyle masks a deep longing for the father who abandoned her as a child.  Seeking a father figure in her older lover, Marc, Joy soon realizes that they have widely differing expectations for their relationship. 

It sounds like a rich vein of dramatic possibilities for director and co-scripter Bergon to tap, but he barely bothers to even give Joy much of a personality let alone make us care a whole lot about her.  Perky and shallow, she's like a plastic sex doll that's been imbued with about half a soul.  Nothing seems to affect her very deeply even when she's seemingly preoccupied with Marc (who regards her only as an interesting diversion when he isn't with his other mistress) and, until a couple of melodramatic sequences near the end of the film, her life is mostly champagne and satin sheets.

A photo shoot in Mexico takes her on a beach frolic with a handsome young photographer, and when a billboard of her lying naked on the sand with the caption "Orgasm: A Woman's Right" leads to a national scandal, she cheerfully cashes in on the notoriety.  This leads to her being whisked to New York to star in an action movie, where she meets another older gent named Bruce (Kenneth Legallois) who not only introduces her to Tantric sex with his New Age friends but also begins a search for her missing father. 

All in all, Joy seems to lead a fairly charmed life and even her lemons turn into pink lemonade sooner or later.  Which means that JOY is a film with very little drama or conflict, and whatever entertainment value it has depends solely on how much you enjoy watching her having fun, being cutely petulant, or trying to turn guys like Marc into Daddy surrogates.  Of course, there's also the scads of bare bodies on display, with the blissfully uninhibited Joy flitting from one softcore sex encounter to the next (the "voyeur chamber" and "Tantric sex orgy" scenes are particularly interesting) amidst scenic locations in Paris, New York, and Montreal.

Director Serge Bergon (aka Sergio Bergonzelli) takes good advantage of those locations and the film has the slick look of a superior Skinemax flick, albeit with a very subdued color palette.  Attractive old-style settings rub shoulders with 80s-style Art Drecko, with some scenes boasting the chintzy opulence of a Pat Benetar video.  I often enjoy this sort of wince-inducing yet nostalgic retro-chic stuff and thus found the movie fun to look at most of the time, even while the story is about as surprising as a video fireplace.

As Joy, Claudia Udy is cute as a button and girlishly winsome, with a terrifically fit body.  As with the rest of the cast, her acting is adequate--not great, but good enough.  Aside from Joy, Marc, and Bruce, the other characters don't figure all that much into the story and we barely get to know them. 

The DVD from Severin Films is 1.85:1 widescreen with Dolby Digital sound.  The soundtrack is French with English subtitles.  An 11-minute interview segment, "Reflections of Joy", features a personable Claudia Udy circa 2010 as the now 50-year-old Canadian actress looks back on the film and her career in general. 

The plot heats up somewhat near the end with a disturbing visit to an S&M club and a harsh exchange between Joy and Marc, followed by a bittersweet sequence in which Joy revisits her childhood home.  Still, it's all so low-key that even the abrupt ending doesn't seem all that jarring.  And despite all the eye-catching nudity and simulated sex, the best way to describe JOY as a film is "pleasantly bland." 

JOY -- DVD Review by Porfle

THE ALCOVE -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 2/21/10

 

 

 

Prolific exploitation director Joe D'Amato, whose many films include around sixteen entries in the "Emanuelle" series with Laura Gemser, places the celebrated sex star in a unique and strange little tale with THE ALCOVE, aka L'alcova (1984). I've rarely bothered watching this kind of stuff on Cinemax or The Playboy Channel because I usually find it pretty boring, but this one's worth the effort.

In 1930s England, Alessandra (Lilli Carati) is in no hurry for her adventurer husband Elio (Al Cliver) to return from the Zulu war because she's been having a torrid lesbian affair with his assistant, Wilma (Annie Belle). When Elio does show up at last, he has a big surprise--a dark-skinned slave girl named Zerbal (Laura Gemser) given to him by a tribal chief in payment for a debt.

Hostile toward her at first, Alessandra grows increasingly attracted to, and finally obsessed with, the exotic and mysterious Zerbal. A jealous Wilma and a marginalized Elio find the ill-disguised affair intolerable, but this is nothing compared to the ultimate revenge that the devious Zerbal has planned for everyone involved.

THE ALCOVE is languidly-paced and takes some time to get into, but it caught my interest once I settled into the story. We're not given much indication at first how things will progress beyond the usual sordid domestic conflicts, until the slowly unfolding plot finally gives way to some pretty bizarre developments--including a murder plot, a surprising exchange of power, and a brutal rape caught on film for financial gain. By the time the somewhat abrupt but satisfying ending came, I felt the time I'd invested in this film to be worthwhile.

Joe D'Amato displays a pleasing directorial style and the cinematography is rather nice, especially during the many well-staged softcore sex scenes. These are quite erotic and are incorporated into the story so that they seem neither overlong nor superflous. When Elio's sensitive young son Furio (Roberto Caruso) returns home on leave from the Navy and falls in love with the older Wilma, his tentative romantic overture toward her is handled with a soft touch. The rest of the sexual encounters between Elio, Alessandra, and Zerbal, and eventually the on-camera violation, exude a sick but strangely compelling air of illicit lust and perversion.

I never found Laura Gemser all that attractive myself, but her fans should be happy to see her in such an interesting role which requires her to be naked for most of her screen time. She's very good at conveying not only Zerbal's earthy strangeness but also the growing defiance and unnerving malevolence bubbling beneath the surface. The character is memorable and Gemser makes the most of it with a subtly impressive performance.

At first, Lilli Carati didn't appeal to me all that much either, mainly due to her distasteful character, but I began to grow quite fond of seeing her lounging around naked. She does a good job in her role as does the lovely Annie Belle as Wilma, who has a very strong sexual appeal similar to that of Velma from "Scooby-Doo." Despite her faults, she was the one character besides Furio that I had any sympathy for. As the husband, Al Cliver mercifully remains clothed throughout his well-modulated performance, expressing Elio's growing detachment, jaded decadence, and casual moral corruption.

The DVD from Severin Films presents the film in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen and Dolby Digital mono. Print quality is mostly good and the English dubbing isn't too bad. Extras include a trailer and a jovial ten-minute interview with D'Amato, who's fun to listen to even though his English is rather hard to decipher.

With its fairly opulent locations, above-average production values, and convincing period atmosphere, THE ALCOVE is a pleasantly perverse exercise in refined art-house sleaze. Stick with the slow-fuse plot and its numerous sexual diversions and you may find the startling ending to be as memorable as I did. Oh yeah, and if you figure out what an "alcove" has to do with any of it, let me know.

THE ALCOVE -- DVD Review by Porfle

SSI: SEXY SQUAD INVESTIGATION -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

(NOTE: This review originally appeared online at Bumscorner.com in 2006.)

Remember how a lot of cheap porn movies tried to be comedies, and between the old in-out, in-out scenes there would be embarrasingly lame attempts at humor by people who had absolutely no comedic skills, or acting ability in general?  You don't?  Uh, me neither.  Heh...I never watched movies like that. 

But it's a sure bet that those movies would've been a heck of a lot funnier if Thomas J. Moose and Andy Sawyer had made them, because their SSI: SEXY SQUAD INVESTIGATION (2006) is a scream.

Of course, this isn't a porn flick--there's nothing here that you couldn't see in the latest issue of Playboy, or at least Penthouse.  But the emphasis is on T & A, and there's plenty of it.  There are some really hot women in this movie.  One quick shot of a gorgeous black actress named Lexi Martinez reclining naked on a couch almost made me choke on my bean burrito.  "HOOO-LY SH**!" I cried, hastily grabbing for--the remote control.  (What did you think I was going to say, Mr. Dirty Mind?)

There are several other moments in SSI that are similarly inspirational, though these scenes are pretty brief.   Since this movie is as much a comedy as it is a gawkfest, the sex stuff isn't allowed to drag on to the point of boredom like it does in porn films.  Or so I've heard. 

However, the keepcase contains a coupon you can send in, along with three dollars postage, to receive an "unrated" version in which, I would assume, these scenes are much longer and more...uhh..."useful."  If you're a PERVERT, that is!

The story, such as it is, takes place in New York, although most of it was shot in Manchester, England, with actors valiantly struggling to simulate American accents with wildly varying degrees of success.  The guy who plays President Shrub (Frank Bowdler) sounds about as Texan as Leslie Howard, and his cowboy hat looks more like a pimp hat.  But it doesn't matter, because he's funny. 

President Shrub's decree that all sex outside the bonds of holy matrimony is now illegal necessitates the formation of the titular Sex Squad, who tirelessly peep around corners and through windows trying to catch perps in the act of "gittin' it on."

SSI agent John Honeysuckle (John Paul Fedele) is haunted by memories of the day his partner and brother Mickey (director Thomas J. Moose) was accidentally shot in the head by a farmer as they were spying on some sex-criminals while disguised as a pantomime horse.  This is the first of several laugh-out-loud scenes in the movie. 

Another is when Agent Honeysuckle is gazing at his new partner, Officer Katrina Lightbody (the lovely, flourescent-eyed A.J. Khan) while she examines some evidence.  The camera slowly pushes in on her as she picks up a cheerleader's pom-pom in slow motion, and the close-up of Honeysuckle's lovestruck face informs us that he's having a feverish fantasy.  He's imagining her dressed as a cheerleader, right?  No, he's imagining himself dressed as a cheerleader. 

Later, when he has another flashback about his former life as a welder who dreams of being a dancer, Fedele's goofily energetic spoof of Jennifer Beals in FLASHDANCE is a howl.  And then there's Honeysuckle's Viet Nam flashback, where a grenade went off in his lap and blew his balls off, and they landed in "Oozedick" Kawalski's mess kit, and...

Anyway, Honeysuckle and Lightbody's investigation of a mysterious woman who is going around seducing people into illegally having sex with her leads them to uncover a sinister plot that is directed at the President himself, and his virginal daughter, Jessica (Natalie Heck). 

But that's about as much of the story as I need to yak about, since it's really just an excuse for one comedy bit after another.  Much of this is similar to stuff like Mr. Show or SCTV, with generous helpings of Benny Hill thrown in.  There are a few slow spots along the way, but heck, even BLAZING SADDLES has a few slow spots. 

The commentary track features Thomas J. Moose (I wonder if he's any relation to Bullwinkle?) and Andy Sawyer, but I could only get through about half of it because almost everything they start to say is cut off by cries of intense pain.  For some reason they decided to play an old Victorian parlor game that administers electric shocks while talking about the movie, so the commentary sounds pretty much like this:

"So, these shots were taken in Manchester, and John Fedele, who stars in the movie as 'Honeysuckle', shot all the New York material, and we found that--AAAAGGGGHHH!!!"

"In fact, there were a couple of streets in Manchester that we used a couple of times, you'll see one later...in fact, there it is GAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!  BASTARD!!!"

Along with a short blooper reel and some trailers, the DVD also contains a thirty-minute short called FBI GUYS, which is a black-and-white mock episode of a 50s-type cop show that won "Best Program" in the 1992 USA Hometown Video Awards, whatever that is, and it's also hilarious.

No, this isn't a Woody Allen film, and it's not likely to pass within range of Roger Ebert's eyeballs any time soon, but SSI: SEXY SQUAD INVESTIGATION is brimming with babes and it's cheap, stupid, and funny.  As Major Kong might say, "a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff."

SSI: SEXY SQUAD INVESTIGATION -- DVD Review by Porfle

CLOAK & SHAG HER -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 11/24/10

 

With its poppy 60s-spoof packaging and "Austin Powers" overtones, CLOAK & SHAG HER (2008) looks like it's going to be as much fun as another  Seduction Cinema release I caught earlier, SSI: SEXY SQUAD INVESTIGATION.  But this one doesn't quite have the same mojo, baby.

I don't know about you, but I find extended softcore sex scenes to be even more boring than extended hardcore sex scenes.  Sure, I love looking at nude women, but watching long, drawn-out sequences of them coyly fiddling around with each other and doing R-rated stuff eventually makes me start to yawn, especially when a movie is composed of several of these scenes linked by brief patches of lame, half-hearted comedy. 

Maybe that's why I liked SSI so much--it had the same structure but the comedy was actually funny in its own dopey way.  And I think it helped that I saw the shorter version in which the pretend-sex scenes ended before I started to nod off.  SSI also had the advantage of some location photography, as opposed to the claustrophobic CLOAK & SHAG HER which was taped entirely under one roof, plus an overall sense of comic enthusiasm that is lacking here. 
 
The story, such as it is, concerns a scheme by the evil Dr. Mean (Darian Caine) to use a love potion to make horny yuppies more susceptible to her commands.  I think.  This is such a terrifying prospect that super-sexy secret agent April Flowers (Julian Wells) and her bumbling partner Basil Shagalittle (Dean Paul) are fetched from the late 60s via time machine and summoned into action.  This action, of course, consists of having sex with Dr. Mean and her minions.

The actors are adequate but nobody in the cast is in danger of winning an Oscar.  As April Flowers, Julian Wells is cute as a button and makes really cool faces during sex.  Dean Paul gives us his best Austin Powers imitation as Basil, but it just ain't happenin', baby.  Darian Caine is a little bland for a super-villian--she recites her lines okay but doesn't really put much into them.  As her minions, the sexy A.J. Khan and the incredibly non-sexy Shane Annigans (as the hulking, homicidal-but-sensitive henchman "Sid the Mangler") do what they can with their roles, while Ruby LaRocca is a lot funnier as herself in the making-of featurette than she is in the movie.

The extras also include a director's commentary and a bunch of trailers from other Seduction Cinema releases (most of which looked like more fun than this one).  And there's also a 2nd disc that consists of--surprise!--the film's soundtrack music by a group called Trigger Finger.  The songs tend to get a little monotonous, but this is mainly because they were written as backup to monotonous scenes.  Otherwise, it's a pretty cool CD. 

This might be a pleasant diversion if you catch it in the right mood, but it's just too blah for me to give it a "yeah, baby, yeah!"  The pop-art opening titles sequence, with all the female characters indulging in some topless go-go dancing to Trigger Finger's catchy main theme, is a lot of fun and kicks the movie off right.  It's too bad the rest of CLOAK & SHAG HER barely even tries to be as shag-a-delic.

CLOAK & SHAG HER -- DVD Review by Porfle

CRIES OF PLEASURE -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

 Originally posted on 2/19/20

 

I guess I've seen about a dozen or so of the many films directed by Jesus "Jess" Franco (VAMPYROS LESBOS, SHE KILLED IN ECSTASY, COUNT DRACULA)  during his prolific career. And while nowhere near the expert many of his fans are, I can say that one never knows quite what to expect from him.

It all depends on Franco's budget, collaborators, various other factors, and, most of all, whatever mood he happened to be in when undertaking a particular project.

With CRIES OF PLEASURE (1983), Franco must have felt like skirting the boundary between two familiar themes: the twisty intrigue tale with elements of murder and betrayal, and the softcore sex romp in which he could indulge his penchant for long, meandering passages with naked people exploring each other's...well, long meandering passages.

It begins a bit like SUNSET BOULEVARD, with one of the main characters already floating dead in a swimming pool. The narrator, ironically, is a simple-minded mute named Fenul (Juan Cózar) whose only job is to wander around the mountaintop Spanish villa strumming on the guitar to provide background music for his master, Antonio (Robert Foster).

Antonio, a wealthy, arrogant young playboy, has a live-in lover and maid named Marta (Jasmina Bell) who later claims to have been raped by him at age 12 but remains desperately in love with him and serves as a sex slave.

Meanwhile, his beautiful houseguest Julia (Franco's longtime muse Lina Romay, THE HOT NIGHTS OF LINDA, SINFONIA EROTICA, TWO FEMALE SPIES WITH FLOWERED PANTIES) is about to meet his equally lovely wife Martina (Rocío Freixas, THE SINISTER EYES OF DR. ORLOFF), who that very day is being released from an insane asylum.

That's just about all the set-up the director needs to get cracking on yet another torrid tale of lurid lust and maniacal madness, all of which will commence right after the characters are all properly introduced and thrown into a succession of those long, meandering passages.

These are all shot in very extended takes as the camera lingers artlessly but intently over various combinations of nude, writhing bodies while occasionally wandering out the window to take in some of the Spanish oceanfront scenery.

The sex itself is technically softcore but sometimes threatens to cross the boundary into hardcore. As with many sequences of this kind, things tend to get monotonous (I've personally gotten to the point where I find just about all sex scenes boring), although Lina Romay's many fans will certainly have a visual field day here.

What makes CRIES OF PLEASURE more than just another sexploitation flick, however, is the queasy undercurrent of sadism, perversion, and ultimately murder that pervades it all. 

At least one participant in all this carnal decadence will be tortured to death, and somebody plans to murder someone else before it's all over.

While the extended sex scenes are furiously performed and at least marginally erotic, the most worthwhile thing about it all (for me, anyway) is how Franco's barebones plot, based on the writings of the Marquis de Sade, is revealed to us in broad, deliberate strokes that keep us attentively waiting for its resolution.

When CRIES OF PLEASURE does hit that final chord, it's just kinky and off-kilter enough to elicit a sigh of satisfaction that we've made it through yet another unpredictable Jess Franco fever dream with the feeling that, somehow, it has been time rather well spent.


Special Features:

    In The Land Of Franco Part 1: Stephen Thrower Tours Multiple Franco Locations in Portugal
    When Donald Met Jess and Lina Part 1: Filmmaker Donald Farmer Interviews the Power Couple in 1993
    Jess Franco’s Golden Years: Interview with Stephen Thrower, Author of ‘Murderous Passions & Flowers of Perversion – The Delirious Cinema of Jesús Franco’

CRIES OF PLEASURE -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle