We were all getting ready to sit down to dinner when the doorbell rang.
Being the youngest, I answered it. To my surprise, astronaut Edwin
"Buzz" Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon, was standing on the
porch. He was wearing a nice suit and was smiling brightly. He looked
hungry!
"Aren't you Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut?" I asked, recognizing him from all the TV news moon-landing coverage.
"Yes, I am," he responded with a crisp nod. "I'm here for dinner...and
boy, does it ever smell good." He rocked a bit on his heels, looking
eager and expectant. Figuring that somebody must've invited him, I stood
aside and ushered him in.
"Buzz Aldrin's here, everybody," I announced to my astonished family
while fetching another chair from the kitchen and dragging it to the
diningroom table. I had to squeeze Buzz in between me and my sister.
The rest of the family had frozen in mid-motion at the sight of him and
watched as he sat down and spread a napkin in his lap. "I'm so hungry I
could eat a horse," he quipped.
Dad cleared his throat and spoke hesitantly. "Uhh...I was just about to
say the blessing, Mr. Aldrin. But perhaps you'd do the honors
instead."
"I'd be happy to," said Buzz. We all lowered our heads, and Buzz began
to speak in a low, sonorous voice. "Dear Lord...bless the moon and the
astronauts and spaceships and NASA, and Walter Cronkite, and those weird
little gremlins that come through the walls of our space capsules in
outer space and try to kill us. And bless Grandma and Uncle Spanky and
Boris Karloff and the Jackson Five and the brave plumbers who fix our
toilets so that we can relieve ourselves without having to go outside."
He looked around and smiled. "Amen."
"Amen," we all repeated nervously. Even though it was an honor to have a
famous astronaut eating Thanksgiving dinner with us, he was starting to
creep us out a little. And nobody knew why the heck he was there in
the first place.
Dad passed the turkey platter to our guest. Buzz held it in both hands
and regarded the golden brown turkey appreciatively. "This dead bird,
whose corpse has been roasted," he announced momentously, "will soon be
eagerly masticated by our gnashing teeth and drenched in our gushing
saliva. And then we will swallow it, beginning the strange, magical
digestive process that will eventually result in our bowels moving and
expelling--"
"Would you like some yams?" Mom interjected, hoping to bring a halt to Buzz's potentially graphic speech.
Buzz glanced at her and shook his head. "No, thank you. This dead
bird, whose corpse has been roasted," he muttered, trying to regain his
place, "uh, blah, blah, blah...magical digestive process..." His voice
took on its rich, confident tone once again. "Beginning the strange,
magical digestive process that will eventually result in our bowels
moving and ex--"
"Tell us about the moon landing!" Mom almost yelped.
For a few moments, Buzz looked at her as though she were some kind of
creature from Mars. Then his head seemed to clear a bit, and he
smiled. "Well," he said, "it was kind of like this." He laid the
platter down and stuck his hand up inside the turkey, lifting it up and
moving it around like some kind of ghastly hand puppet. "Let's say the
table is the moon's surface, and the space capsule is represented by
this dead bird, whose corpse has been roasted..." He stopped, a look of
confusion settling over his features. "We will soon be eagerly
masticating it with our gnashing teeth, and drenching it in our gushing
saliva..."
I didn't want to hear about that process again so I interjected. "What was it like walking around on the moon?" I asked.
Buzz brightened again. "Well, it was like this," he explained, now
using the impromptu turkey-puppet to represent himself on the moon's
surface. He minced it around on the table, bobbing it up and down
slowly as though semi-weightless, and weaving it deftly around between
the big bowl of mashed potatoes and a heaping platter of cornbread
dressing. "This is me," he added, nodding down at the turkey in case we
hadn't already grasped that. Then he reached over and grabbed my
nephew Danny by his suspenders and lifted him out of his highchair.
"And this is Neil Armstrong."
As we all looked on in horror, Aldrin "moon-walked" baby Danny around on
the table along with the dead turkey in what was probably the most
revolting "mission simulation" in aerospace history. Nobody knew what
to do, since the situation was entirely alien to us. Even my sister,
who was Danny's mother, was afraid to do anything to antagonize Buzz at
this point. And still the horrible display continued, as turkey and
baby took on the roles of the first two astronauts to walk on the moon.
"Please...please..." my sister finally managed to croak. "Please put him down."
Buzz looked at her as though she had two heads. "Put who down? Me or Neil?" he asked.
"PUT...THE BABY...DOWN!!!" she screamed at last, pounding her fists on the table with a clatter.
Buzz looked at the baby, then at the turkey. A strange sort of
realization began to creep over his face. "Well, I, uh..." he said
slowly. "I'm afraid I...don't really know...which is the baby...and
which is the dead bird...whose corpse has been roasted..."
"Not that again!" Mom shrieked, rising to her feet and grabbing her hair
with both hands. "NOT THE DIGESTIVE PROCESS STORY AGAIN!!!"
Silently, Buzz removed his hand from the turkey and placed it in the
highchair, and then gently lowered Danny onto the turkey platter. With
deliberate restraint, he crossed his hands in his lap and spoke softly.
"I thought you all wanted to know about the moon landing," he said with
self-pity and a faint air of reproach. "You asked me to describe it. I
did so, using whatever visual aids were available at the time. If
you'd wanted me to use different ones, you should have supplied them."
His eyes took on a dreamy look. "Walter Cronkite supplied me with a
neat-o toy spaceship and some little astronaut dolls that I got to keep,
and a very nice scale mock-up of the Sea of Tranquility. But all I had
here was this strange creature--" he indicated Danny, who was cooing up
at him in wonder--"and this dead bird, whose corpse has been roasted
and will soon be eagerly masticated by our gnashing teeth and drenched
in our gushing saliva--"
"I...don't...think...so," Mom groaned, clipping the words off bitterly.
"Not after you've had your hand stuck up inside it like that. We'll
not be 'masticating' that bird today, Mr. Aldrin. And after all the
trouble I went to...to..." At that point it all became too much for her
and she collapsed in a fit of convulsive weeping. Dad rushed over and
hurried her out of the room. "I want you out of here," he said hoarsely
to Buzz on his way past.
Buzz Aldrin took a deep breath, then shook his head as though he'd just
awakened from a brief nap. He looked around at us with a smile,
seemingly unaware of the travesty he'd just made of our now-ruined
Thanksgiving dinner, and continued where he'd left off. "Beginning the
strange, magical digestive process that will eventually result in our
bowels--"
My sister screamed and whisked Danny away, fleeing the room. Buzz
watched her exit with a perplexed look and then turned to regard me as I
sat trembling. Aside from the turkey, which was still sitting in the
highchair, it was just me and Buzz at the table now. I wished I were
somewhere else. Or more precisely, that Buzz were somewhere else.
Buzz picked up the turkey in one hand and a large sweet potato in the
other. "Would you like to see what a real NASA docking maneuver looks
like?" he asked with a grin.
"No," I said weakly. Then, summoning my courage, I added, "I think you should just leave."
"Oh?" said Buzz. "Well, thank you for a lovely meal." He rose from the
table and headed for the front door. Was he simply pretending that he
hadn't just totally disrupted everything, I thought, or was he genuinely
unaware? I would never know. Buzz disappeared out the door and out of
our lives forever.
That is, until he showed up for breakfast the next morning. You don't
want to know what he tried to "simulate" with the link sausage,
scrambled eggs, and our dog. Something to do with "pulling eleven G's"
or whatever. Anyway, for what it's worth, I don't think astronauts and
Thanksgiving go together very well at all.
Originally posted on 9/24/11
"Blair Witch"-style mockumentaries...conspiracy theories...UFOs..."The X-Files"...various other paranormal stuff...if any or all of these things spark your interest, then chances are LUNOPOLIS (2009) will really pop your cork.
It also helps if you get into stuff like The History Channel, too--much of the middle section of the film looks like it might have been produced for it, with its various "expert" talking heads and illustrative graphics--but if you don't, then this film is equally likely to act as an effective cure for insomnia. Me, I bought into it hook, line, and sinker and thus found it uniquely fascinating from start to finish.
The premise is that a documentary film crew led by Matt (writer-director Matthew Avant) and Sonny (Hal Maynor) has gotten ahold of a weird photograph, supposedly smuggled out of Area 51, that leads them to an underground facility beneath a Louisiana swamp. Their cinema verite' exploration of this dark, dungeon-like space is claustrophobic and creepy, leading to the discovery of a strange device that looks a bit like a makeshift jet pack.
Originally posted on 12/13/11
I love a good "found-footage" mockumentary if it's done right, as it was with THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (the grandaddy of FFMs) or the recent ATROCIOUS. And as an avid fan of the USA space program during the 60s, I was sucked right into APOLLO 18 (2011) from the very start and stayed there till the classic "film running out of the projector" ending.
The film is supposedly edited together from several hours of classified NASA footage of a secret moon shot which took place after the official "final" moon mission, Apollo 17. Lt. Col. John Grey (Ryan Robbins) orbits the moon in the command capsule while Commander Nathan Walker (Lloyd Owen) and Captain Benjamin Anderson (Warren Christie) settle onto the lunar surface and start collecting moon rocks. But first, they have to set up and activate a mysterious device--whose ostensible purpose is to track Soviet missile activity--at the behest of the Department of Defense.
All of this is presented via extremely convincing simulations of the aged, sometimes ragged film footage we've all seen of early NASA missions (along with simulated 8mm home movies of the astronauts and their families), which match almost seamlessly with generous stock footage of the real thing. Close views of the moon suspended against a black void create an eerie, baleful mood early on and we begin to get a sense of the astronauts' total isolation. This is heightened when Nate and Ben sit on the moon's surface in their cramped lander, as alone and vulnerable as two people can be, or explore a realistically-rendered lunar landscape strewn with pitch black shadows.
Director Gonzalo López-Gallego, aided by a cast of actors who are very adept at acting natural and unscripted, recreates the sort of light banter and good-natured antics we used to see from real astronauts when they knew the whole world was watching them. Knowing that APOLLO 18 is a space horror film, however, and that the DOD doo-dad they've just set up must somehow bode ill, gives us a growing unease as little things begin to happen that alter the casual mood of the mission to one of severe apprehension. And since the world is unaware of this particular moon shot, these guys are really on their own when they begin to suspect that they've been set up.
López-Gallego uses many clever visual tricks to create a spooky mood or, in some cases, a genuine jump-scare. An astronaut takes photos in a dark crater until one flash suddenly reveals something terrifying; a seemingly random static shot of the moonscape or LEM interior seems harmless until we think we see movement in the periphery.
The setting is especially effective because when these guys hear a mysterious noise or spot something moving around, it isn't rats in the woodwork and it sure ain't the wind. As the unexplained and seemingly impossible events begin to escalate, so does the sense of claustrophobia and paranoia within the astronauts' fragile haven of life support.
I've tried to avoid giving anything away because not knowing is a major part of the fun with this movie. I will say that Nate and Ben make some gut-wrenching discoveries on the moon (some of them quite queasily horrific) which force them to question everything they believe about the space program in general and their own increasingly doomed mission in particular. Rarely does a story get to present a situation in which two guys are so utterly screwed, and I was with them all the way--vicariously, thank goodness--until the haunting final images.
The DVD from Anchor Bay, Dimension, and the Weinsteins is in 1.78:1 widescreen with Dolby 5.1 sound and subtitles in English and Spanish. Extras include a very informative director and editor commentary, deleted and alternate scenes, and four alternate endings. The film comes as a Blu-Ray/DVD/Digital combo--this review is for the DVD only.
As I understand, the majority of reviews for APOLLO 18 have not been favorable, with words such as "boring" and "suspense-free" popping up here and there. I found the film riveting from beginning to end--it reminds me of the kind of stuff Joseph Stefano used to write back when "The Outer Limits" was in its heyday, an uneasy mix of both "sense of wonder" and hopeless dread.
Originally posted on 5/29/21
Currently watching: PROJECT MOONBASE (1953). This is one of those lower-tier 1950s space thrillers that's fascinating to watch in order to see how various filmmakers envisioned humankind's impending forays into outer space.
While some, such as CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON and FIRE MAIDENS FROM OUTER SPACE, are just pure goofball cheese, this one at least attempts to be a sober, imaginative forecast of a future in which a huge space station orbits the Earth and serves as both a receptacle for shuttle rockets from Earth and a launch pad for LEM-like vehicles to carry astronauts on to the moon and back.
Legendary sci-fi author Robert Heinlein still seems to be cutting his literary teeth here, co-writing the story and screenplay with a callow earnestness that, while fun and somewhat intriguing at times, lacks any hint of his later brilliance.
The story involves a plot by foreign agents to put an impostor aboard a moon mission sponsored by space agency "Spacom". After the expedition has scouted a suitable landing place for a future mission, the spy will then cause the ship to crash into the space station upon its return, destroying both along with all inhabitants.
Special effects are mildly impressive considering what must've been a pretty low budget, while still retaining ample cheesiness to satisfy "so bad it's good" addicts such as myself who just can't stop watching these hokey space yarns.
Besides the spy, the moon mission crew consists of able female pilot Colonel Briteis (Donna Martell) and Ross Ford as Major Moore, her hardy second-in-command. ("I Dream Of Jeannie" regular Hayden Rourke plays their Earthbound superior, General Greene.)
The fact that Major Moore is also Colonel Briteis' former lover and they broke up under less than amicable circumstances leads to the expected space-friction between the two, which we also expect will be resolved in suitably romantic fashion before the fadeout.
Space station scenes are fun, with the combination of zero gravity plus handy grip shoes making it possible for everyone to walk around on both the floors and ceilings. (Numerous signs remind them: "Please Do Not Walk On Walls.")
Rocketship and moon lander models and effects are basic but adequate, as are the rocky, mountainous moon exteriors with a brilliant starfield suspended over them.
The spacecraft interiors are the usual familiar 1950s-type designs, but somewhat less slapdash and rinky-dink than most.
G-force accelerations are accompanied, as one might guess, by those silly shots of astronauts lying immobile in their reclining seats as their faces are stretched into ludicrious fixed grimaces.
The crew's flight uniforms consist of light, form-fitting T-shirts and shorts, which, I must say, make Donna Martell one of the film's most pleasing visuals. Others will have to assess their aesthetic effect on the remaining crewmembers.
I've been eating up these goofball 1950s space thrillers like ice cream for the last few months or so, reliving childhood memories and finally catching up with ones I've missed all these years.
As one of the latter, PROJECT MOONBASE comes through as a prime example of its delightfully odd genre, making it satisfying entertainment for those who savor this kind of fare.
Middle School Students Compete In A Nationwide Tournament To Code Satellites Aboard The International Space Station in documentary "ZERO GRAVITY"
Fifty-two years ago, Astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon in what is considered one of the most incredible achievements of all time. Today, with NASA and the corporate space industry readying new missions to the moon, Mars and beyond, our future lies with the next generation of science, technology, engineering, and math (STEM) qualified individuals.
In the all new feature documentary ZERO GRAVITY, a diverse group of middle school students and their first-time coach each take an intimate and personal journey to space when they compete in a nationwide tournament to code satellites aboard the International Space Station. As a team, they grow from amateur coders to representing California in the ISS Finals Tournament -- the culmination of a summer-long adventure that sees their incredible accomplishment performed by astronauts in orbit. Through their wondrous eyes, we see how opportunity and innovation breaks down walls and inspires them to reach beyond the stars.
The global competition - Zero Robotics - is run by the MIT Space Systems Laboratory in collaboration with NASA and CASIS. Its goal is to utilize the International Space Station for student experiments in support of real-world problems facing space scientists today. Inspired by STAR WARS and retired in 2019 after ten years of space research, SPHERES are the satellites programmed by the gifted children in ZERO GRAVITY. Their journey, however, is about so much more than coding. It’s about the power of teamwork and the future of the human race as a spacefaring civilization.
Award-winning director, producer, and editor Thomas Verrette’s multi-layered narrative features a beautiful, original score by award-winning composer Penka Kouneva, vivid cinematography by Carlos Marulanda, and features astronauts Cady Coleman, Steve Smith, and Jack Fischer, who is aboard the ISS in the film. ZERO GRAVITY shows the true value of science in our society and is a testament to the impact of scientists, engineers, and educators on the lives of the next generation. This film is the first launch of a new initiative to incite and ignite actionable change in STEM education and outreach through masterful storytelling, empathy and the triumph of the human spirit, inspiring adults and children alike.
"Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been fascinated with space and our place in the cosmos, but I never imagined I would ever be able to get there. These students not only took me with them on their journey to the stars, they left me with a renewed sense of hope for the future. In “Zero Gravity”, the goal of the competition was to build a GPS system around Mars, and with the recent Perseverance landing and the successful flights of Ingenuity on the red planet, there is no doubt in my mind we are transitioning into a new space age already. It’s our job to prepare and inspire this generation to build a bridge to a brighter future -- they will be the ones who take the next giant leap for mankind. At 11 years old, they’ve already touched space, and I can’t wait to see where they take us next,” said Thomas Verrette, Director/Producer/Editor of ZERO GRAVITY
WATCH THE FESTIVAL TRAILER:
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