JOE BOB’S AMERICA IS BACK
After getting kicked out of every decent publication in America, I’ve found a new home at the “Lost Drive-In” Patreon (don’t worry, the column is free), where all my archived videos are being restored, digitized and preserved. This will probably be bi-weekly but I never know what fresh time-wasting hell will be thrown my way as I re-launch the “How Rednecks Saved Hollywood” live show, continue to create new specials and series for Shudder, and hit the convention circuit whenever requested. (Look for an email with my full appearance schedule soon.)
The grand plan is to continue to do the two weekly columns that I wrote for several decades—this one and “Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In”—but without any intermediaries this time. As usual, I’m dedicated to having the last non-partisan forum in America, neither left nor Right, neither Democrat nor Republican, neither conservative nor liberal, which everyone around me regards as a quaint idea doomed to failure.
So, in the words of Captain Edward Smith, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our maiden voyage!” . . .
Smushing People Together to Fight COVID
CHARLOTTE, N.C.—Have you ever considered that maybe all the Customer Assistance reps—those perky people with headsets sitting in cubicles in Sandpoint, Idaho, the ones you talk to after listening to 45 minutes of cool-jazz vibraphone music or, for the especially cute mega-corporations, an endless loop of “Hold the Line” by Toto—are lifetime subscribers to QAnon Weekly and believe that the New World Order has regular meetings in a secret bunker underneath the Denver airport?
The reason I ask is that most of them seem to believe that COVID-19 is so powerful it can hamper the ability of trucks to run down the interstate, infect telephone lines, and turn tanning beds into weapons of mass destruction.
“This donut I’m buying—normally it has sprinkles on it.”
“Sorry, sir, COVID-19. We can’t use sprinkles during the pandemic.”
I mean, there are 794 new things every week that people say you just can’t do during a pandemic, none of them having anything to do with masking, vaxxing, hand-washing, or cramming 65,000 people into Raymond James Stadium, which is exactly what the Bucs will be doing Thursday night when they host the Cowboys.
Most hotels now refuse to clean your room while you’re staying in it—unless you need cleaning.
In other words, it’s excessively dangerous for a vaccinated hotel employee to enter a hotel room with mask and latex gloves in order to restock the mini-fridge and fluff a pillow or two—but if you call the front desk and say “I’d really like you to come clean the room today,” the danger disappears and they say, “Certainly, Mister Briggs, we’ll send someone right up!” The implications of this policy are that my personal preferences have the supernatural power to neutralize all respiratory droplets when my pillow needs fluffing. At the Hampton Inn, I become the CIA Mind-Control Section Chief.
The amazing thing is that most people think all the COVID-19 policies sound reasonable.
"Yeah, that makes sense, of course you can’t answer your phone at the Customer Service Answering-the-Phone Department—COVID-19!”
"You missed another deadline on the Cleveland Project write-up? Who could blame you? You probably have to Lysol your computer screen a hundred and fifty times a day.”
Am I the only person who thinks COVID-19 has become a giant version of a “Gone Fishing” sign?
Read The Full Column Here
©2021 Joe Bob Briggs | NY, NY
