HK and Cult Film News's Fan Box

Friday, September 5, 2008

For Ian and Jess

Ian, the creator and keeper of the blog, just got married over the Labor Day weekend. And although I was not chosen to give a speech at the wedding, I decided to write one for him. Given that it is built on MST3K references, I wanted to share it with everyone. So without further ado:


Every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful, if you just take the time to look at it. Over the weekend, we got to celebrate something as elusive as Robert Denby, as powerful as sodium. Waffles. No - of course, I am speaking of love. Someone that makes you proclaim, "I'm not going back, Jim!" Someone that makes you feel compelled to "STAY!!!!" Someone to show where the fish lives.

Yes! To be like the hu-man! To laugh! Feel! Want! Why are these things not in our plans more often? To find it, you must be like the sargassumfish, hiding, waiting, stalking your prey. And at just the right moment.... ATTACK! Then nine times out of ten, suddenly, there is no one. There is no joy, no passion, no thing called love to be followed. We learn almost too late that man is a feeling creature... and because of it, the greatest in the universe.

But if you just stay mellow, because that's what being Ben Murphy is all about, you'll find that someone. The sun and the moon will collide. You will be able to fly like the mighty puma!

At time for go to bed, there will be someone to hold, someone who will remain at your side through good times and deep hurting. The person in your dreams of blood! What an enormous change love brings! It can make you want to laugh or cry. None of us are ever ready for move it. You think you can take marriage? Go 'head on. It's your move.

Jess, as the wife, it will be your duty to take care of the place while the Master is away. Even if he's the laziest man on Mars, keep your gold boots movin'.

Ian, as the husband, you must always watch out for snakes. When she's been hittin' the booze again, do not burn the witch. Do not sell your soul to Gorgo. Be her Roll Fizzlebeef and Punch Rockgroin.

Together, you will ride that train to mundo fine. Together, you can make that long arduous journey through Canada to the promise land! As you grow old, do not use your wedding rings to gouge out each other's precious pineal juices! Instead, shine them as you would your love. Just remember, hahaha, you're stuck here! And in the future, when all psychiatrists are aging lesbian nuns, all kids are gay agents, all of us are snacking on Flavo Fives and washing them down with Reconst, and when I am running my giant corporation and then the world from the mezzanine of a public library, your love will still be vibrant and exuberant and sparkling. And when, because of earth you are made, to earth you shall return, your love will endure as a guiding light, a flag on the moon, inspiring future generations to find how it got there.

1 comment:

IKF said...

Thank you so much for your thoughtful wedding gift, Derek! This is seriously way more meaningful to us than a blender or whatever else we have on our registry. :-D