Jet Li Stars In The Lavish And Heroic Tale THE WARLORDS, Arriving On Blu-ray Disc And DVD June 29 From Magnolia Home Entertainment Under The Magnet Releasing Label As Part of the Six Shooter Film Series
Winner Of Eight Hong Kong Film Awards Including Best Picture, Best Director And Best Actor
“Jet Li shines in this elaborately choreographed, action-packed Chinese historical epic.”
– New York Magazine
"Emotionally powerful. Spectacular action. Jet Li dominates the drama whenever he's onscreen."
– Variety
“An impressively gargantuan, highly watchable Chinese battle epic.”
– Village Voice
Love, politics and loyalty collide in THE WARLORDS, one of the most sweeping epics in the history of modern Chinese cinema. Set in the midst of the Taiping Rebellion of the 1860s, the magnificently engrossing film was a massive critical and commercial success in China. Starring Jet Li (The Mummy 3, Hero), Andy Lau (House of Flying Daggers) and Takeshi Kaneshiro (Red Cliff, House Of Flying Daggers), THE WARLORDS tells the story of General Pang (Li), a battalion commander who barely survives a brutal massacre that leaves all of his fellow soldiers dead. Pang joins a passing group of bandits led by Er Hu (Lau) and Wu Yang (Kaneshiro) and helps them defend a helpless village from attackers. The three men swear an oath to become “blood brothers,” pledging loyalty to one another until death. Pang then convinces his brothers to join him in the army to earn an honest living, but things quickly derail when they become embroiled in a web of political deceit and a love triangle between Pang, Er Hu and a beautiful woman.
Embark On An Eerie Tale As The Ghost Story, The Eclipse, Arrives On Blu-ray Disc and DVD June 29 From Magnolia Home Entertainment.
"A smart, scary, spine-tinglingly matter-of-fact ghost story."
- Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly
"A GEM. A lovely tale of grief, love and moving on.”
- Marshall Fine, Huffington Post
“…eerie story of a widower and his brush with the supernatural has the amazing dual effect of being both sweetly moving and really creepy.”
- Ann Hornaday, Washington Post
Ciarán Hinds (There Will Be Blood, Margot at the Wedding) won the Best Actor award at the Tribeca Film Festival for his “…marvelously understated, but full-bodied performance" (Marshall Fine, Huffington Post) as Michael Farr, a widowed father who believes that his house is haunted. Michael sparks interest in a visiting horror novelist, Lena Morelle (Iben Hjejle; Defiance, High Fidelity), who writes books about ghosts and the supernatural. However, Lena has been having an affair with the world-renowned novelist Nicholas Holden (Aidan Quinn; “Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee,” Legends of the Fall). Both authors are visiting the town for an international literary festival, and as the festival progresses, the trajectories of these three people draws them into a life-altering collision involving challenges of love, fear of the unknown and release from the burden of grief.
During my childhood, there were two television channels that ruled my life: Nickelodeon and Disney Channel. Both of these networks have changed drastically over the years, showing greater preference for reaching pre-teen markets now than for children under 10. However, in the nineties, each of these channels was famous for its outstanding programming geared specifically toward children. Of the many shows available to me as a child, one is indelibly etched in my mind as a nostalgic favorite above them all: Disney Channel’s Lunchbox. While I loved watching David the Gnome and Noozles on Nick, Lunchbox was superior to me because of its rarity.Since my spendthrift family never actually paid for the Disney Channel (or any premium channels, for that matter), I would only be able to view Lunchbox when Disney offered what was essentially a preview week of their programming to entice people to pay for subscriptions.
When I was able to watch Lunchbox, it was always such a joy to see the British imports that the program included. Aside from Curious George and Paddington Bear, Lunchbox featured Spot, a series based on the children’s books of the same name. I LOVED dogs as a child (and still do), so a show about a tan and brown dog and his very cute and British adventures appealed to me as an Anglophile and as a person obsessed with dogs.Here is a video clip of the showI remember so fondly, including the theme song that I can still sing word-for-word (the words appear at the start of this review, in case you didn’t recognize them):
As an enormous fan of Spot the puppy, I was thrilled to hear about the release on DVD of Where’s Spot? And Other Stories to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the Spot television series on BBC.
The Spot tv show was based on the interactive “lift-the-flap” children’s books written and illustrated by Eric Hill. In these simple books, Hill creates a fantastically minimalistic world for Spot and the reader; the curious puppy typically only has adventures at the park or around his house.With the success of the book series, Hill helped to create a television show featuring Spot, the puppy’s family, and his various animal friends.The 30th Anniversary Edition DVD includes six regular episodes (“Where’s Spot?” “Spot’s Lost Bone,” “Spot at the Playground,” “Spot Goes to the Park,” “Spot Finds a Key,” “Spot Goes Splash!”) that really remind you of what it’s like to be a kid and how the smallest tasks seemed like huge adventures. In this DVD, the character of Spot is voiced by Jonathan Taylor Thomas of Home Improvement fame, so if you’re a JTT fan from back in the day, you will get a kick out of hearing him voice the adorable puppy.
The picture quality is acceptable considering the age of the series. Some of the extras seem to exhibit ghosting, but this is a minor problem and does not affect the main program. The drawing style of the Spot book series is very simple and minimalistic, usually with a white background to make the setting and characters pop, and this feature has carried over to the tv series. The sound quality is great, and the DVD boasts Dolby Digital surround sound. While the DVD sadly does not include the theme song I loved as a child, each episode on the DVD is accompanied by its own special song, which gives the series a new feel.
The DVD also features a number of fun extras, such as three bonus episodes (Spot is voiced by Haley Joel Osment of Sixth Sense fame in these episodes), Spot’s Shapes and Colors games (great games that help children learn their shapes and colors in a really fun and interactive way), and, my personal favorite, Eric Hill reads the book “Where’s Spot?” This final extra feature is so incredibly heartwarming and amusing, especially because Hill has a little Spot toy dog next to him that he is reading to the entire time. Also, Hill’s reading style reminds my husband of Christopher Lee, so we both really enjoyed the British author’s warmth and his whimsical reading of his famous children’s book.
If you are a fan of children’s cartoons, have children who love dogs and would be interested in such a cartoon series, or you are a nostalgia freak like my husband and myself, then do yourself a favor and get this DVD. It is absolutely worth it for the Eric Hill extra feature alone!
The 30th Anniversary Edition Spot DVD is available for purchase through BBC America’s website:
Before I begin describing the fourth ring of hell in Sandra’s cookbook for kids, I wanted to clear up a misconception from my previous article. In the third ring of hell, I erroneously stated that Sandra’s picture that accompanies the “Ranch Slaw” recipe featured a “nice fat advertisement” for Sun-Maid raisins. While this remains true, I have recently discovered that this picture is not the most in-your-face depiction of Sun-Maid raisins in this cookbook. This picture that faces the Healthy is Happenin’ section of the cookbook is actually the most BLATANT advertisement for “kewl” raisins:
I apologize for any confusion this may have caused, but, either way, Sandra Lee remains a whore for corporate America. Now onto chapter 4!
The fourth ring of hell in Cool Kids’ Cooking (which from here on will be referred to as KKK to match Sandra’s love of alliteration and previous interior-design invention, the “Kurtain Kraft”) features what she calls “everyday” TV dinners.Apparently, Aunt Sandy or her editor never bothered to look up the term “everyday” to check its definition because I doubt she means “common, ordinary” TV dinners are the subject of this chapter. Rather, she seems to mean these are TV dinner recipes for every day of the week. Put down the cocktail and buy a dictionary, Sandra!
Sandy’s introduction to this particularly hellish chapter includes the following incoherent description of the life of a young child: “When you’re 5, cartoons are your life. That and the trampoline.” Now, I don’t know about you, but I never had a trampoline in my life. I do not have one now, and I certainly did not have one at the age of five. I guess Sandy is marketing her books to wealthy parents who can’t be bothered with caring about their children’s health and proper nutrition. Who else would relate to her mindless descriptions of youth?
Anyway, Sandra claims that this chapter of KKK will be about “traditional kid food with a twist.” One example of such food is “lasagna in cool gel pen shades of green and orange.” This is an exceptionally lame description of her lasagna with spinach and carrots that I suppose appeals to kids obsessed with gel pens. Do kids even care about gel pen colors? It just sounds bizarre to me. As a child of the nineties, I WAS obsessed with neon colors (I even called my black marker that came in the neon marker set “hot black” because it didn’t have a cool name like “electric blue” and “hot pink”…yes, I was very lame as a child), but I doubt children care about gel pens. This whole description appears to be yet another example of Sandy attempting to connect with the younger generation, but having no idea what kids actually like. Additionally, she continues to use “hip lingo” like “fuel that hype” and “leave the drama” as if any of these phrases make sense at all to young children. Finally, Sandra scares the bejesus out of me by coming OUT of the TV in the picture that faces her introduction. All I can think of when seeing this is the Ring girl crawling out of the TV (either one is terrifying).
The girl from The Ring:
Sandy coming out with two plates full of horror:
The resemblance is uncanny, yes?
Getting past the terrible introduction and horrifying picture, “Everyday TV Dinners” features ten recipes: “Meat Loaf Muffins,” “Porcupine Meatballs” (What an appetizing name!), “Hawaiian-Style Burgers” (Can you guess what makes them “Hawaiian?” That’s right…canned pineapple!),“Chili Spaghetti,” “Sweet & Sour Popcorn Shrimp,” “Chip Chicken,” “Taco Rice Bowl,” “Cheesy Chicken Enchiladas,” “Baked Chicken Pasta,” and the previously mentioned “Green and Orange Lasagna.” By looking at these items, one cannot help but ponder how the majority of them are appropriate for TV viewing. The recipes for spaghetti, lasagna, and enchiladas would likely lead to disastrous results if one were to eat them on a TV tray as Sandra suggests. She might as well add a recipe for Sloppy Joes (Sloppy Sandys? Ugh…too vulgar) because every other item will be smeared into the couch or carpet by the time these “everyday TV dinners” have been eaten by the youngsters.
Let’s start delving into these recipes by taking a look at one of the messiest possible: Chili Spaghetti. Now, as a child, I do remember eating spaghetti in front of the TV while watching the Sesame Street Christmas special (“Feliz Navidad!”), but it still does not seem like the best idea for children to be consuming such food near expensive electronics and carpets. Here is a lovely photograph of this recipe complete with “heart-shape toasted garlic bread [sic],” which the recipe says you can make “if desired.”
Wow…aside from the poor wording (“heart-shaped” makes more sense as an adjective for the garlic bread), how much do you want to bet that this picture is from a Valentine’s Day recipe on Sandy’s website or in another one of her cookbooks as a way to make your dinner “special” for Valentine’s Day? I am almost positive this was the case, especially because of the way the recipe has a tacked-on note at the end to apparently justify the photograph of spaghetti with heart-shaped garlic bread. It’s all too ridiculous, and thus, perfect for KKK.
As for the recipe itself, this is another standard stoner concept: Dude, let’s mix a can of chili with some pasta! Sandra informs the reader that he or she must use specific brand names for best results, yet again, including “precrumbled cheddar and Colby cheese, Kraft” (as though you can’t crumble cheese yourself) and “1 can turkey chili with no beans, Hormel” (because Sandy cannot be bothered with making her own chili and neither should you). After pimping out her fave brands, Sandra moves on to a basic recipe for spaghetti casserole with the addition of canned chili and precrumbled cheese. Wouldn’t “precrumbled” cheese be regular whole cheese since it has not been crumbled yet?Oh well…if I try to make sense out of Sandra’s vocabulary, I will be sitting here for years while she becomes the First Lady (side note: Is Andrew Cuomo seriously going to become the next governor of NY with Sandra by his side? As a possible New Yorker in the future, please kill me now!).
The next recipe I will be examining closely is “Chip Chicken.” Now, when you hear the words “Chip Chicken,” what is the first thing that comes to mind? Myself, I think of “chipped beef” but with chicken instead of beef. Gross, right? Well, actually, Sandra’s recipe is a basic as they come: this is your standard child-friendly recipe for chicken tenders rolled in potato chips. I remember making this exact same recipe as a child when my parents enforced a “the kids get to cook since they have nothing else to do” policy between June and August. During these summer months, I would have to prepare a meal for the whole family once a week, and one of my first cooking experiences was making potato-chip-crusted chicken strips. While this recipe is a bit messy, the results were pretty delicious; you get a crispy crunch without frying because of the potato chips.
I mention my childhood memories here because, as usual, Sandra will now muck them up with her version of “Chip Chicken.” The ingredients for this recipe are pretty simple by Aunt Sandy standards: chicken tenders, Italian salad dressing, ranch salad dressing, and two kinds of chips (plain and barbecue). Of course, my version of this recipe probably did not include the brand names Sandra mentions (maybe the Lays potato chips at most), but I know for sure I did not have two types of salad dressing as ingredients. Why would anyone want so many conflicting flavors in one meal? I cannot imagine how disgusting the combination of barbecue chips and ranch dressing would be. Also, once again, Sandra’s recipe offers little to no nutritional value unless you count fattening salad dressings as one of the major food groups. Since the fourth ring of Hell is about Prodigality, it seems important to note that this recipe calls for so many containers and plastic bags that it’s ridiculous. Sandra’s recipes are notorious for their wastefulness, and in this particular instance, “Chip Chicken” indicates that one must use two DIFFERENT Ziploc bags to crush the chips, when in reality, one bag would certainly suffice as all of the crushed chips are then placed in separate bowls. What a waste!
The final recipe I will be dissecting for this ring of Hell in KKK is Sandra’s answer to the KFC Famous Bowl, the “Taco Rice Bowl.” First, I would like to enlighten you all with a little background on Sandra’s relationship with KFC. Sandra Lee, as you might recall, was a celebrity (oh, please) endorser for KFC’s new Grilled Chicken meals.
How anyone can call that woman a “Chef” is beyond me, but these ads ran in conjunction with the highly successful KFC campaign for healthier food in early 2009. Anyway, I only mention this fact to help shed light on how Sandra would be aware of KFC and their food products. The Taco Rice Bowl featured in this chapter is remarkably similar to the KFC Famous Bowl, particularly the Rice Bowl, in its contents and presentation, e.g. throw a bunch of crap in a bowl. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two “meals”:
The KFC Famous Rice Bowl, AKA the Vomit Bowl
Sandra’s “Taco Rice Bowl” (my husband says I looked just like the little girl when I was a kid...great!):
As you can see, both of these “Bowls” include a bunch of stuff thrown into a container so that the consumer can gulp down all of the contents at once; why use a plate when you can dump everything into one bowl? Well, I guess it’s not as wasteful as her other meals, but that’s not saying much.
Since Sandra has ties with KFC, I am going to make the assumption that this “Taco Rice Bowl” is her homage to/rip-off of the Famous Bowls. While this meal does seem like a good one for TV-viewing due to the ease of eating out of a bowl, this is by no means a healthy meal. The closest thing to vegetables in this meal is some lettuce (surely Iceberg, but surprisingly Sandra misses the opportunity to pimp her favorite lettuce brand name) and a couple scallion bits on top. The recipe also includes “grilled chicken strips, Tyson,” “1 can diced tomatoes, Hunt’s,” “1 packet taco seasoning, McCormick,” “2 cups instant rice, Uncle Ben’s,” and, as with the Chili Spaghetti, “1 cup precrumbled cheddar cheese, Kraft.” As you can see, there is not much “taco” to this meal aside from the seasoning and fixings and, in reality, it seems like the final product would be more like seasoned rice with stuff on top than anything taco related. One would assume there would be some type of ground beef or turkey or something to make this more taco-like, but no. Instead, Sandy includes cooked grilled chicken strips that aren’t even heated before adding them to the bowl. Also, there’s an option to add sour cream and chopped scallion to the top of your rice bowl, which I suppose makes it more “Mexicany.” Whatever the case, this recipe sounds again like stoner food for children, and the combination of ingredients is truly disgusting. I cannot imagine that the cheese would have properly melted or that cold chicken strips would taste that great on top of taco-seasoned rice. Again, Sandra takes something popular (though I have no idea why the Famous Bowls are popular) and turns it into sodium-filled, fattening crap with little nutritional value. Not that the Famous Bowls were EVER the paragon of healthy eating, but the point still stands that Sandra is the picture of prodigality in her ingredients, her methods, and her choices when it comes to cooking for kids. As for avarice, Sandra’s greed in terms of money and fame is apparent on every single page of KKK.
Next time, we will consider the fifth ring of hell, the oddly titled “Brainiac Breaks” (as if anyone ever considered Sandy smart). If you missed out on the first three installments, you can read about Limbo (“Bright Breakfasts”) here, Lust (“Lazy Day Lunches”) here, and Gluttony (“Meal Mania”) here.
As I promised, I have decided to once again fight the good fight against that culinary force of evil, Sandra Lee, by comparing her children’s cookbook to Dante’s classic, The Inferno.
This week’s installment is the third ring of Hell in the Inferno, which appropriately focuses on gluttony, or indulging in something too much, as in food or sex. Gluttony is a controversial subject nowadays in relation to child obesity, and Sandra Lee points out in the introduction to the third chapter of Cool Kids’ Cooking how she aims to prevent obesity in children: have kids, even her six-year-old nephew Brycer, cook food for themselves.
Sandra (or her ghostwriter) explains that “For a long time, Bryce would only eat chicken nuggets. Now he dishes up rad eats like Ritz Sticks and Ranch Slaw and Cowboy Meal Loaf with Glazed Carrots for everyday meals.” Now as you can tell by these recipe titles, Sandra’s culinary expertise does not extend far past packaged crackers and bagged salads, so how she plans to eradicate obesity in kids remains to be seen. I should also mention that Sandra’s names for food are singsongy, childish, often alliterative, and, oh yes, if they can include an actual BRAND in the title that she can shill in her “cookbook” so much the better.
This chapter of the kid's cookbook features fourteen recipes: the aforementioned "Ritz Sticks," "Ranch Slaw," "Pepperoni Chicken," "Caesar Pasta," "Chicken Parmesan," "Pasta Zoo with Peas and Carrots," "Tex-Mex Baked Turkey Burgers," "Chili Chips," "Pineapple Pork Chops," "Vegetable Fried Rice," "Cowboy Meat Loaf," "Glazed Carrots," "Taco Mac," and finally "Ranchers Salad." I will be focusing on three of these horrid recipes, all of which include multiple processed foods and Sandra's ubiquitous product placement. As you can see in this picture of Sandra “preparing” her Ranch Slaw, a nice fat advertisement for Sun-Maid Raisins is featured prominently. Of course, she could just want her young readers to know that when she says the recipe includes “1/2 cup raisins” she MEANS Sun-Maid and doesn’t want them to use an inferior brand (even if she does get kickbacks from the Raisin people). Sandra’s “Ranch Slaw” consists of three other ingredients besides raisins (better be Sun-Maid, dammit!): ranch salad dressing, sour cream, and tri-color cole slaw mix, all with appropriate brands listed so that your little ones know exactly what they should use. Dante describes the punishment for gluttony as sitting in a vile slush for all of eternity, which is what this combination sounds like it would turn into quickly. What else is wrong with this recipe, you might ask? Well, aside from the fact that it sounds disgusting and like no cole slaw I have ever had in my life, there is not one aspect of this recipe that could be considered “fresh.” Yes, the cole slaw mix is a good start, but how hard is it to cut and clean some actual cabbage? This is exactly the sort of “recipe” that populates Sandra’s book—one that is basically assembling the packaged ingredients rather than cooking anything. I know that salad is usually all about assembly, but who would consider dumping crap into a bowl (don’t forget those Sun-Maid raisins!) a real recipe? All of Sandra’s “recipes” seem more likely to appear on the back of the packages of the products themselves than in a legitimate cookbook.
Another recipe Sandra exclaims will “say sayonara to bor-ring” and will make meals “the awesomest” (nice grammar there, hon) is her Chili Chips (alliterative!). Chili Chips are comprised of two ingredients: 1 package of frozen waffle fries and a packet of chili seasoning. Here is a picture of Sandra “preparing” the recipe in the book. Can you guess how these are made? That’s right: dump the fries on a baking sheet, bake them, and then dump seasoning on top. Done. What a fantastic recipe, right? You couldn’t have come up with such a brilliant culinary masterpiece in years, admit it. Actually, anyone with even 1/8 of a brain can see that fries that have seasoning sprinkled on top of them will taste pretty good. Have you ever been to a bar that had Old Bay seasoning on the fries? Same principle. Sandra calls this stoner food a “recipe” for kids when in reality it is as basic as a recipe can be. Oh, and forget about the “fresh” component of her 70% store-bought with 30% fresh ingredients philosophy (e.g. the Semiho way). How are store-bought French fries and chili seasoning in any way healthy or fresh? Way to reduce childhood obesity, Sandra.
The final recipe I will be examining in this comparison of Sandra’s cookbook to the Inferno is “Ranchers Salad.” As you can see in this picture, African-American boys love to toss salads with branding irons that say “S” and “L” on them (representative of Sandra Lee, obviously). This is a WTF image if ever there was one. I can’t stop giggling every time I look at it. First, why is one of the only black kids in the entire cookbook wearing such a ridiculous get-up? He’s got the cowboy hat and sheriff’s badge (Lord knows he probably would have had on boots with spurs if the picture was a full-body image). Next, he is literally tossing a salad. Oh, Sandra…someone hasn’t been on Urban Dictionary or watched that scandalous episode of Oprah, has she? Finally, the branding irons for salad tongs say “S” and “L” because Sandra is not only a lush who cannot cook, but she is also a complete narcissist who must include herself in some way on virtually every page of this stupid cookbook. Okay, aside from the ridiculous image that appears on this page, the recipe itself for Ranchers Salad isn’t that bad. Sandra’s ingredients include “rib celery” (guess she forgot to add “of”), cherry tomatoes, ranch salad dressing (again), romaine lettuce, baby carrots (What? No brand name association? For shame!), and bacon pieces. That seems all fine and good, but then she has to go and add her ubiquitous seasoning packets—barbecue seasoning in this case. I have no clue how or why anyone would want seasoning on their salad, especially after you have added fattening ranch dressing already, but apparently Sandra believes it will make your greens taste like you live on a ranch…or something. Sorry, I can’t stop staring at the black cowboy kid tossing salad (insert obligatory Brokeback Mountain reference here)…who came up with this picture? Was it a collaboration? Did Sandra request it? I doubt Sandra was involved with this cookbook at all. She was probably completely wasted when someone came into her room and asked her if she wanted to write a children’s cookbook.
“Will it feature a cartoon version of me as a teenage girl?” “Yes.” “Will it have a black cowboy kid tossing a salad?” “Uh…okay.” “Great. Start working on it while I try to seduce a politician.” “Sure…do you have any recipes for us to use?” “I’ve got copies of things you can do with Ritz crackers and Sun-maid raisins that I cut off the back of some boxes. Just use those.”
And thus, a cookbook was born.
Anyway, that is it for the third chapter. As always, Sandra has proven time and time again that the “awesomest” meals come from combining packages and not using fresh fruit and vegetables unless absolutely necessary. She is definitely helping reduce childhood obesity with her high-fat and high-sodium recipes for kids. Gluttony is a major force in Sandra’s life, from the alcohol she consumes to the “vile slush” she peddles as Semi-Homemade cooking. And I must be a glutton for punishment for reading this cookbook repeatedly!
Next time, we will consider the fourth ring of Hell, the bizarrely titled “Everyday TV Dinners.” If you missed out on the first two installments, you can read about Limbo (“Bright Breakfasts”) here and Lust (“Lazy Day Lunches”) here.
To use an appropriate Sandra salutation, Dish delish!
Last weekend, Ian and I went home to visit our families and celebrate my father’s birthday. During our stay, we visited the local bookstore as we often do, and I came across an enemy of my past that has been cropping up EVERYWHERE recently: Sandra Lee.
As some of you are aware, I hate Sandra Lee with a passion, but that hatred had dwindled significantly while I was worrying about other aspects of my life (getting a job, getting married, staying married to Ian…lol).Lo and behold, Sandra came back into our lives with four holiday specials on HGTV that Ian and I tried to watch, but that were so horrific we could barely stay tuned. Sandra using former cancer patients for her benefit was SO exploitative it made me sick to my stomach (the terrifying red Christmas tree pictured above certainly didn’t help either), but after the holidays, I lost interest once again. Cablevision certainly didn’t help by shutting down Food Network and HGTV transmissions, effectively cutting Sandy out of our lives for the time being.
Anyway, while Ian and I were at the bookstore, I started rummaging through the displayed magazines and came across the Semi-Homemade winter magazine, complete with Sandra’s soulless eyes staring back at me. Here is a link to the Table of Contents:
I had to kill some time while Ian spent his usual half-hour staring at DVDs, so I started flipping through the pages and came across “Heirloom Easy” (e.g. how to take the good food your parents/grandparents made and turn it into crap quickly and easily).
One heirloom recipe for a brownie sundae is what finally pushed me over the edge and brought back my HATRED for this woman. Sandra’s brownies consisted of boxed brownie mix (nothing wrong with that, but certainly not “heirloom” unless her mother was Betty Crocker), some eXpresso (yes, that is misspelled on purpose since that is the way she pronounces it), basic ingredients for brownies (oil, water, egg), vanilla ice cream, and store-bought hot fudge and caramel sauce. That is IT.How in the world is this a “recipe,” let alone an heirloom recipe? How does this woman continue to amass a freakin’ empire when her recipes consist of desserts I could and did make when I was 8? Why is this woman dating a Cuomo and starring in two shows on the Food Network?
Ahem. To make a long story short, I am finally going to complete the task I set before me so many years ago and will finish defining the 9 Rings of Hell according to Sandra Lee’s cookbook for kids. If TheInferno is coming out with a new edition featuring a video game poster for its cover, than I better get on the bandwagon and publish my OWN version of Dante’s classic, Sandra Lee style. Each week, we will enter another ring of Sandy’s hell, so get ready to once again experience the terrifying depths of Sandra Lee’s ignorance about cooking, children, taste, etc.
In other words, Text the Peeps! Aunt Sandy is back!
The newest Limited Edition DVD set from Shout Factory is a must-have for MST3K fans for one reason and one reason only: Tom Servo figurine! It’s the perfect thing for the home or the office that lets nerds proudly proclaim, “I LOVE TOM SERVO!” Also, it makes a fantastic last-minute holiday gift. Mine is sitting at my desk at work, and as you can see, it is SO cute next to my box of paper clips and mug of assorted pens!
Ahem…aside from the adorable mini Tom Servo that makes the entire purchase worthwhile, there are also four impressive DVDs and individual mini posters of the bots that feature, once again, excellent art from Steve Vance. The DVD set includes four titles: two Mike episodes (Santa Claus and Night of the Blood Beast that includes the original hysterical Turkey Day ’95 bumpers) and two Joel episodes (Warrior of the Lost World and the fifth episode of Season 1, The Corpse Vanishes). Even though Mike is my favorite of the two hosts, I will be discussing a Joel episode as well as a Mike one: the seasonal favorite Santa Claus and the futuristic Warrior of the Lost World.
Since it is the holiday season once again, it seems to be the perfect time to watch the perennial favorites: A Charlie Brown Christmas,How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, and Die Hard (if you are my husband or our friend Derek). However, MST3K has offered many holiday classics, and Santa Claus is one of the most terrifying and hilarious Christmas-related movies I have ever seen in my life. It is difficult to put into words the surreal atmosphere that this movie encapsulates, but Mike and the Bots certainly rip Santa and Pitch, the effeminate evil demon that is Santa’s enemy in the film, a new one. Everything about Santa Claus is bizarre, from the first half hour of “It’s a Small World” international singing children to the horrifying doll dream that the protagonist, Lupita, has during the course of the film. In addition, the lines “He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” have never sounded so ominous until you witness Santa using his spying devices to maintain his totalitarian grasp over the world.
The riffing is, as always, top-notch for Santa Claus, and the sweet nondenominational song that Mike and the Bots sing near the end is for me the highlight of the episode. The DVD also features a 50-year retrospective on the movie entitled “Santa Claus Conquers the Devil” that helps to explain how K. Gordon Murray found the film and how it achieved its cult success that has continued over the years, along with information on the film's production (and why Santa is more like an El Santo-esque superhero). There is also a stills gallery and a teaser trailer for The Wonder World of K. Gordon Murray. If you can make it past the mumbling children and creepy Santa battling with the devil, this film is sure to become a holiday tradition for your family as it has already become for my husband and me.
A very different, but also enjoyable episode is Warrior of the Lost World.Joel often leaves me bored and annoyed with his dull demeanor and half-baked gadgets, but even I must admit that the riffing in this episode is stellar. This movie is one bizarre amalgam of every apocalypse film ever made with a sprinkling of The Warriors forflavor. The two aspects of this film that stand out in my mind are the machines (the protagonist’s motorcycle that annoyingly chirps words and Mega-Weapon!) and the nausea-inducing makeout scene at the end that seems to last forever.Although the riffing by Joel and the bots is great, the most impressive joke is Tom Servo pointing out every single person in the three-tiered stands at the end of the movie and assigning them a celebrity look alike. That, my friends, is what makes Kevin Murphy a master riffer.
In addition to this hilarious episode, the DVD features some illuminating extras, including an interview with director David Worth and movie stills with Worth narrating. Worth is self-deprecating in his interview and seems to be an it-getter in relation to the premise of the show. My husband and I both felt that he came off very well in his interview, and Mr. Worth, if you are reading this, my husband would LOVE for you to do an interview with HK and Cult Film News!
In conclusion, if you are a fan of MST3K or just enjoy cult movies, do yourself a favor and buy this DVD set. The four episodes included in the set look fantastic, sound great, and are filled with fascinating extras that will keep any MSTie satisfied until the next DVD release.But who am I kidding…the real reason to buy this Limited Edition set is so that you can have your very own Tom Servo figurine! Get yours today!
