HELL RIDE -- Movie Review by Porfle

 Originally posted on 9/27/13

 

Is the phrase "Quentin Tarantino Presents" before a film's title a reliable sign of quality?  After watching HELL RIDE (2008), my answer to that question would be, in a word, no.  And in two words, hell no.  If this is any indication, then Tarantino might as well start calling people into the bathroom after he takes a dump so that he can proudly "present" the results to them.

What little storyline there is often gets lost in the seemingly random editing, or is put on hold every time some mangy old biker dudes get their hands on the non-stop parade of salacious silicone babes who seem to infest this flick like tribbles.  What it all boils down to is that way back in 1976, some rival bad-guy bikers called the Six Six Sixers murdered good-guy biker Pistolero's girlfriend, and now, thirty some-odd years later, Pistolero (writer-director Larry Bishop), with the help of fellow gang members the Victors, decides to get revenge. 

I've read that Bishop used to be a biker himself and has firsthand experience with the lifestyle, which seems to add zero validity to this particular project.  Basically what you've got here is a bunch of middle-aged actors who have been roped into a turkey and they know it, so they're just goofing their way through it.  Michael Madsen, who has been known to sleepwalk through films he doesn't take seriously, invests about as much effort in the role of Pistolero's devil-may-care cohort "The Gent" (he wears a tuxedo jacket instead of a leather jacket for some damn reason) as he would if his neighbor pointed a home video camera at him. 

David Carradine, as rival gang leader "The Deuce", is there simply to lend whatever coolness factor he can to his few scenes, while Dennis Hopper comes off as nothing more than a silly old fart.  Even Vinnie Jones as evil, oral-sex-obsessed rival biker "Billy Wings" seems embarrassed here, which may be the film's most noteworthy accomplishment. 

As for young Eric Balfour as the mysterious newcomer Cheyenne, he seems to take the whole thing about as seriously as Bishop, meaning that he's just as arch and stiff a presence.  Nobody,  however, can match Larry Bishop's hernia-inducing attempts to be a badass--at times, he treats the simple act of standing in one spot with such sinew-stretching intensity that we fear he may implode.

The movie is filled with flashbacks, flash forwards, changes in style, changes in film stock, switches from color to black-and-white and back, zoom-ins, zoom-outs, focus fiddling, and most other types of cinematic frou-frou you can think of, but there's no rhyme or reason to any of it.  Bishop's clearly trying to be arty in several sequences, but his visuals look sloppy instead.  And when his character goes out into the desert and takes peyote in one scene, this gives the director an excuse to indulge in the usual meandering drug-trip nonsense with its skin-deep philosophizing.

There are homages to Tarantino's homages, such as a mysterious box whose contents we never get to see, and a POV shot looking up from inside the box that's a miniature version of the way Tarantino shoots people opening car trunks.  There's the jukebox soundtrack, featuring several truly ear-curdling songs.  And of course, there's the dialogue.  HELL RIDE contains stretches of dialogue that might make you wish Jules Winnfield and Vincent Vega had never discussed foot massages or mentioned the words "Royale with cheese." 

At one point Pistolero and his aptly-named girlfriend Nada (sexy Leonor Varela) get into a pun war that includes every possible variation of the word "fire"--she's got a fire that needs putting out, he's got the firehose, she's a fire alarm, he's a fire-eater, etc.  It's a wonder they didn't manage to work "fire ants" into it somewhere.  Later, Bishop starts doing the same thing with the word "business", and you start wishing you could just grab a gun and shoot at the screen like Elvis used to do.

The impression I get from this movie's publicity is that if you liked GRINDHOUSE, you should love HELL RIDE.  But as far as I'm concerned, whatever you may have liked about one is sadly lacking in the other.  Getting the "right" actors together and having them be super tough and spout loopy dialogue at each other doesn't make a good movie if there isn't a decent story and a solid directorial vision.  HELL RIDE's problem is that it thinks it's a cool-as-hell movie to begin with, but doesn't have what it takes to actually be one.

HELL RIDE -- Movie Review by Porfle

DIAMOND HEIST -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 3/17/15

 

Imagine sitting down to watch a movie with Michael Madsen and Vinnie Jones called DIAMOND HEIST (2012)--thinking, quite understandably, that it's going to be about a diamond heist--and then finding out that it's a dreary, unfunny crime comedy about two Hungarian schlubs mistaken for a pair of popular male strippers known as "The Magic Boys." (Which, incidentally, was the film's original title.)

Even if you think that sounds like comedy gold, chances are you're going to find this mess disappointing. It's one of those bad direct-to-DVD flicks that guys like Michael Madsen and Vinnie Jones lend their names and faces to for an easy paycheck and then mug their way through like it was a home video. (Which I think would be a cool way to make a living and would totally do myself if I could.)

The story opens with Madsen--in the role of Terence, an eccentric strip-club tycoon and diamond smuggler--smashing a yogurt buffet in the restaurant of the posh London hotel where he lives because he's lactose intolerant and his special goat's milk yogurt is nowhere to be seen. I wasn't sure if this was in the script, or if they'd just secretly filmed him at the craft services table between shots.

There's a lot of crosscutting while the film throws a passel of new characters at us along with some really annoying music and visuals. The best I could decipher it, two male strippers ("The Magic Boys") disappear from one of Michael Madsen's clubs and he sends his mousey assistant "Bad News" to Hungary to find two more. As fate would have it, the two Hungarian schlubs, David and Zoli, are on the run after witnessing Vinnie knocking off a guy, and they end up posing as the missing Magic Boys for free passage to London.

David and Zoli are like a cross between "Dumb and Dumber" and the two "Wild and Crazy Guys" from SNL, when they hit town and are situated in their luxury suite. Bad comedy ensues when they take the stage at Madsen's club and reveal their incompetence while big Mike makes faces and groans.

He later gets the two on their knees at gunpoint in his office and does the whole "I'm the last guy you want to f*** with!" routine, which is always great for a few laughs. Then, inexplicably, he decides that the act will be improved if he forces his right-hand man Splendid Ben (an understandably embarrassed-looking Tamer Hassan, KICK-ASS, FREERUNNER, THE DOUBLE) to join it. You can almost hear "Seinfeld"s Kenny Banya bleating "It's gold, Jerry! Gold!" when the three next appear onstage in full drag. It's as though my sense of humor has been injected with novocaine.

(Meanwhile, elsewhere in London, the REAL Magic Boys also end up on the wrong stage and find themselves getting raped by a hairy, leather-bound gay behemoth. It's fun for the whole family!)

The movie tries to get cute and charming here and there, with one of the Hungarian guys getting cutely chummy with the cute black lady (singer Jamelia as "Cherry Valentine") who works for Mikey as a diamond smuggler but is really not what she seems and zzzzzzzz. As an example of the film's cliched dialogue, the following exchange takes place when he asks about her past:

"That's a bit of a long story."
"I have time."

We find that Cherry's past is actually key to the whole thing, and the lovestruck Hungarian guy decides he must help her in her mission against Mike and/or Vinnie, which is complicated when Vinnie suddenly shows up in London. Things finally perk up when Cherry makes her move during a lavish birthday bash Mike holds for himself, but the whole male stripper angle continues to dumb thing up when the real and fake Magic Boys clash-dance onstage during a lame imitation of the opera scene from THE FIFTH ELEMENT.

The DVD from Random Media is in letterboxed widescreen with Dolby 5.1 sound. No subtitles, but closed-captions are available. No extras.

However lacking it is in other areas, the most disappointing thing about DIAMOND HEIST is that there's no diamond heist. That's like calling a movie GONE WITH THE WIND and not having anything actually blow away. Or changing the name of GONE WITH THE WIND to DIAMOND HEIST.

DIAMOND HEIST -- DVD Review by Porfle

THE KILLING JAR -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 2/19/11

 

Stay away from out-of-the-way diners after dark, THE KILLING JAR (2010) seems to be telling us, since you never know what kind of desperate character may come walking in.  And if he looks like Michael Madsen, you know you should've skipped the pecan pie and skedaddled five minutes ago.

This tense thriller by writer-director Mark Young (SOUTHERN GOTHIC) is one of those single-location movies that could easily be performed as a stage play, which means that the focus is on character and dialogue.  Neither are very deep here, but they get the job done pretty well, mainly due to a capable cast. 

Amber Benson (BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER) plays weary waitress Noreen, who dreams of getting out of Silver Lake (where the tourists don't go anymore since the lake dried up) but works in a dingy diner for ill-tempered cook Jimmy (Danny "MACHETE" Trejo).  It's almost closing time on a hot night when news comes over the radio of four grisly murders not far away, with the ill-fated family's killer still at large. 

A likely suspect enters as Noreen is chatting with a mild-mannered traveling salesman named John Dixon (Harold Perrineau, "Link" of MATRIX: RELOADED and REVOLUTIONS) on his way through town.  The stranger is foulmouthed and surly, prompting local deputy Lonnie (Lew Temple, THE DEVIL'S REJECTS) to start Barney Fife-ing him.  This proves to be a bad move, and before long "Doe" is threatening his seven terrified captives with a pump shotgun and getting crazier by the minute.



Michael Madsen does a lot of glorified cameo roles these days, so it's good to see him sink his teeth into a part that's not all that different from the kill-crazy Mr. Blonde of RESERVOIR DOGS, only without the mordant sense of humor.  His "Doe" is scary dangerous in a wary, calculated way and when he goes off and gets violent, the character is coldblooded and unpredictable. 

Young, whose direction is efficient without drawing attention to itself, throws a few curves at us to keep the story moving.  These include the arrival of Mr. Greene (Jake Busey), a shady businessman who's there to meet a Mr. Smith, whom he's never seen before.  Is it Doe, or is Mr. Smith someone else in the diner?  It might even be trucker Hank (the always-fine Kevin Gage of HEAT and LAID TO REST). 

Young builds a fair amount of suspense as Doe singles out his captives one at a time to terrorize and interrogate them, and people do get killed badly.  Still, much of the drama is psychological, so don't expect a gorefest--aside from a couple of grisly shots here and there, you'll have to use your DVD players' frame-advance to see an exploding head or two.  While none of this is unbearably nailbiting and the major plot twists are fairly predictable, the finale is nicely played and ends the movie on a satisfying note.



The DVD from Image Entertainment is in 1.78:1 widescreen with Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound.  A trailer is the sole extra.

THE KILLING JAR probably won't sear itself into your movie memory banks or have you swooning in cinematic ecstasy, but it's a solid little suspense thriller with some good performances and an absorbing story.  Best of all, it's a chance to see an aging Mr. Blonde at the end of his rope, going mental and getting trigger-happy one last time.  

THE KILLING JAR -- DVD Review by Porfle