THE LONGEST YARD -- Movie Review by Porfle

(This review originally appeared online at Bumscorner.com in 2007. Warning: may contain spoilers.)

I just fished a copy of THE LONGEST YARD (1974) out of the budget bin at Wal-Mart. Sometimes you actually do find buried treasure in those big piles of dreck. This time I was able to get one of the greatest sports movies ever made (some call it the best football movie of all time) for five-and-a-half bucks.

Thanks to the release of the Adam Sandler remake, which I haven't seen yet (so far, so good), we have the original now in a special "Lockdown Edition" complete with two featurettes and a commentary track featuring Burt Reynolds and producer Albert S. Ruddy (THE GODFATHER). The commentary is relaxed, enjoyable, and informative, and slows down only when the two participants get caught watching the movie and forget they're supposed to be talking about it.

Burt stars as Paul Crewe, a disgraced former NFL quarterback who has a nasty breakup with his sugar mama (Anitra Ford) and, after leading the cops on a high-speed chase in her stolen car and then resisting arrest, ends up in a Florida prison in the middle of a swamp.

The stiff-arsed Warden Hazen (Eddie Albert) turns out to be a football fanatic who has arranged to have Crewe sent to his prison to help shape up his semi-pro team that is composed of the prison's guards, in exchange for an easy sentence. But this makes the captain of the team and head guard Captain Knauer (Ed Lauter) jealous, and he warns Crewe to refuse the warden's offer or suffer heapin' helpings of physical abuse. Crewe turns the warden down, and gets beaten up anyway.

After some horrific experiences on swamp detail and a stretch in the "hot box", Crewe gives in to the warden's request. But Hazen has a new plan in mind--Crewe will get together a team comprised of prisoners which will play a "tune-up" game against the guards. This easy victory will bolster the guards' confidence and make them more ready to take on the task of winning the championship of their division.

Crewe initially sees no chance of making a dent against the guards' team with the ragtag group of misfits at his disposal, but as the guards continue to heap abuse and indignity on the prisoners at every turn, he eventually begins to entertain the notion of actually beating and humiliating them and the warden in front of a crowd of spectators. All he has to do is overcome the prisoners' intial dislike for him, and entice the more hesitant ones with the promise of being able to get physical with the guards.

Burt Reynolds in his prime was a really good actor who could be suitably intense while often allowing a dry, self-mocking sense of humor to to permeate his demeanor. Much of the script, written by Tracy Keenan Wynn from a story by Ruddy, was intended to be straight drama until Reynolds and his castmates started playing around with their characters and making things more interesting and fun. But the humor never detracts from the seriousness of the situations, and the result is a story that can be enjoyed on both levels at the same time.

Crewe's best pal and manager of the prisoners' team, The Mean Machine, is the resident scrounger, Caretaker (James Hampton), who can get anything for anybody in the joint, including getting them laid. Hampton is one of the finest character actors in the business--his most recent high-profile role was as Dr. Jerry Woolridge in SLING BLADE--and deserves a lot more recognition than he's gotten over the years. Trouble is, as opposed to guys like Marlon Brando or Sean Penn who make great acting seem like a hernia-inducing ordeal, Hampton makes it look easy. Which is why he's so good.

The rest of the cast is pretty awesome as well. Eddie Albert was utterly convincing whether playing a sleazy suit-and-tie sadist like Warden Hazen or the lovable Oliver Wendell Douglas of "Green Acres." Ed Lauter as Captain Knauer is another fine character actor whose consistently good performances add to whatever he appears in. "Dick" Kiel, yet to make a big splash as "Jaws" in the James Bond series, is funny as one of the prisoners. Other fine supporting players include Charles Tyner, Sonny Shroyer ("Enos" of TV's "Dukes of Hazzard"), Harry Caesar, Michael Conrad ("Hill Street Blues"), Mike Henry, and an incredibly bee-hived Bernadette Peters ("You ever find any spiders in there?" Crewe asks her) as the warden's sex-starved secretary.

Several former pro football players such as Ernie Wheelwright and Ray Nitschke are on hand as well for added authenticity. This really pays off during the big game, which takes up almost 45 minutes of screen time. The plays are real--director Robert Aldrich (THE DIRTY DOZEN, FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX) simply filmed these guys playing grungy, hard-ass football and picked the footage that fit the script. No namby-pamby pretend tackling or "acting" here. One of the joys of THE LONGEST YARD for the sports fan is that, for the most part, this is real football played by real football players. The staged stuff which occurs here and there only adds to the excitement and hilarity of the situations, especially when Crewe comes up with a way of eliminating the scariest member of the competition, Bodanski (both onscreen and off--Ray Nitschke wasn't screwing around) with a forward pass to the groin, not once but twice. Various clotheslines ("I think I broke his f***ing neck!" Kiel's character rejoices), pile-ups, sucker punches, and other highly-unsportsmanlike activity also add to the fun.

The suspense is heightened when Warden Hazen, aghast at the sight of his guards losing to the convicts, makes Crewe a halftime offer he can't refuse--throw the game, or do hard time in prison for roughly twenty extra years. Crewe, always the type to look out for number one, must decide whether to give in or sacrifice himself for the sake of his teammates, whom he has given the chance to earn some dignity and self-respect for a change. And head guard Knauer, after seeing the warden for the slimeball that he is and gaining a grudging respect for Crewe, will soon be forced to make a decision of his own, which may include blowing Crewe's brains out.

If you love good movies, football, Burt Reynolds, big ugly sweaty guys rolling around in the mud, or all of the above, then THE LONGEST YARD is a film that should definitely be on your must-see list. Like I said, I haven't seen the Adam Sandler remake so I don't know how they compare, but I'm willing to bet that one of them will be remembered as one of the greatest football films ever made when the other is little more than a dim memory. I'll let you decide which is which.

THE LONGEST YARD -- Movie Review by Porfle

END GAME -- Movie Review by Porfle

(NOTE: This review originally appeared online at Bumscorner.com in 2006.)

1993's IN THE LINE OF FIRE gave us Clint Eastwood as a Secret Service agent on the trail of a wacko assassin whose goal was to kill the President. END GAME (2006) opens with the assassination of the President and then shows us how Secret Service agent Alex Thomas (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) discovers a dark conspiracy behind the "lone assassin" and puts his life on the line to find out who's behind it.

Both Eastwood's Frank Horrigan and Gooding's Thomas suffer from guilt related to a President's death; Horrigan, because he wasn't quick enough to take the bullet meant for JFK, and Thomas, because the assassin's bullet struck the President only because it changed direction after passing through his outstretched hand.

As Thomas takes some time off from the job to languish in his lakeside home and see how fast he can drain several bottles of hooch, investigative reporter Kate Crawford (Angie Harmon, GLASS HOUSE: THE GOOD MOTHER) starts digging into the killer's past.

She uncovers a link between him and a secretive government agency that may have been involved in the assassination, and is alarmed to find that everyone she is receiving information from is being systematically murdered by some bad guys in a black van.

When she goes to Agent Thomas' house for further help, the black van shows up there as well, and things get rather explosive. Thomas begins to buy Kate's conspiracy theories after he himself becomes a target, and together they work their way toward the truth as things get darker and more dangerous at every turn.

END GAME isn't quite a top-of-the-line Hollywood blockbuster but it's definitely worth watching. The production values are very good and the story kept me interested from start to finish.

There are plenty of great action scenes, too, especially when Thomas and a ten-man strike force invade a factory where the black-van guys are holed up and get into a furious shoot-out with them, which leads to a cool car chase in which the main bad guy (Peter Greene, who played "Zed" in PULP FICTION) attempts to discourage Thomas from pursuing him by machine-gunning oncoming vehicles off the road. At first Thomas is too determined to let even this slow him down, but the next vehicle headed toward them is a loaded school bus...

Everyone behind the camera does fine work here, and the cast is highly capable. Cuba Gooding has a talent for creating sympathetic characters without overplaying, which he demonstrates here with his deft performance. Former "Baywatch Nights" regular Angie Harmon is particularly good as well -- her intrepid reporter is likably tenacious and funny, and she and Gooding make a great team.

Old fave James Woods is excellent, as usual, but doesn't get nearly as much screen time as I hoped after seeing him on the DVD cover, though he makes the time he does have count. Familiar television veteran Jack Scalia gives us a likable President (for a little while, anyway), and his First Lady is well played by Anne Archer, who was the wife of Harrison Ford in two of the "Jack Ryan" movies.

The homeless man who first supplies Kate Crawford with information before being bumped off will be recognized by "Dark Shadows" fans -- he's David Selby, who played the werewolf Quentin Collins on that classic series. And the vicious killer who tries to terminate Agent Thomas's investigation, as I mentioned before, is played by none other than "Zed" from PULP FICTION, Peter Greene. ("Zed's dead, baby...Zed's dead.")

Not coming off quite as well, however, is Burt Reynolds as a retired Army general who still likes to keep his irons in the political fire. Burt's heart doesn't really seem to be in his performance here, and his alarmingly advanced state of cosmetic surgery (looking at his tightly-stretched face may give you a tension headache after awhile) distracts from what ultimately ends up being a pretty irrelevant character anyway.

After suffering through [a particularly bad movie] last night, I needed to watch a real movie to help me drag myself out of the depths of cinematic despair, and END GAME was just the ticket. It's not in the same league as IN THE LINE OF FIRE or one of the Jack Ryan movies, but I was certainly very well entertained for an hour and a half, and that's good enough for me.

END GAME -- Movie Review by Porfle

REDLINE -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 12/27/11

 

Sizzling with supercharged action, the simple plot of director Takeshi Koike's sci-fi anime REDLINE (2009) serves as a backdrop for some of the most mindblowing, audacious cartoon animation to ever blaze its way across the screen. 

The pre-titles sequence features a qualifying "Yellowline" race in the desert that already makes the podrace from THE PHANTOM MENACE look like a frog-jumping competition.  We meet J.P., who resembles a brawny Ricky Nelson with a skyscraper pompadour and, thanks to his crooked partner Frisbee, has a reputation for fixing races.  Sure enough, Frisbee's in deep with the mob on this one and sabotages J.P.'s car near the finish line, landing him in the hospital.

When some of the qualifiers for the Redline drop out, J.P.'s back in the game along with his heartthrob Sonoshee, a lovely lass with more interest in machines than men.  But the location for the race turns out to be Roboworld, a militaristic society whose leaders are so opposed to the competition taking place on their world (and possibly having some of their military secrets broadcast galaxy-wide) that they declare all-out war against the racers.  In order to win this one, J.P. will have to battle it out against ruthless drivers (including Sonoshee), the entire military force of Roboworld, and perhaps even his own sidekick Frisbee.
 


Fans of non-CGI animation should have a ball reveling in this 100% hand-drawn visual feast, whose creators invested seven years and 100,000 drawings in its making.  Each frame of this dazzling tribute to old-school cartoon wizardry is as insanely detailed as panels from the more extravagant underground comix of the 60s and 70s, and unlike digital cartoons you can see the artists' and animators' hands in every painstaking detail. 

The dynamic, hard-edged drawing style, a eye-pleasing mix of both the futuristic and retro, yields a wealth of beautifully-rendered character designs and backgrounds that are then brought to vivid life.  Surreal touches, such as J.P.'s gravity-defying hairdo and an endless parade of grotesque aliens, rub shoulders with the hard-edged yet wildly-imaginative hardware of cars, spaceships, and other machinery. 

The over-the-top character design (by co-writer Katsuhito Ishii, who also worked on the anime sequence from KILL BILL, VOL. 1 and helped create REDLINE's outstanding soundtrack) goes well with the film's larger-than-life cast of oddballs.  These include J.P.'s multi-armed canine mechanic Pops, the towering cyborg Machine Head, and the various other racers whose bizarre appearance and unique personalities keep things interesting.  Even the crowd scenes are filled with a vast array of colorful "extras."
 


While the plot busies itself with various concerns such as J.P.'s wooing of the reluctant Sonoshee and Frisbee's conflict of loyalties between him and the mob, REDLINE roars to life during its many spectacular action sequences.  The imposing Colonel Votron and his Roboworld army launch a full-scale attack on the racers that begins when they leave the mothership and attempt to land their shuttle vehicles on the planet.  The race itself is a non-stop series of thrilling setpieces which lead to the activation of the Roboworld president's ace in the hole, an out-of-control behemoth known as "Funky Boy" who proceeds to destroy everything in sight.  

The DVD from Anchor Bay's "Manga" label is in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen with Dolby 5.1 and 2.0 soundtracks in both Japanese and English, with English subtitles.  Extras consist of a 24-minute making-of featurette and the film's trailer. 

Thrilling, funny, and endlessly watchable, REDLINE is chock-full of some of the most visually-stunning racing action and futuristic warfare ever created for an animated film.  Best of all, it's a return to the glory days of hand-drawn animation which, in the words of its creators, offers something new by doing things the old way again. 

REDLINE -- DVD Review by Porfle

JAMES BOND AND THE TIPSY TOURIST (video)

On three separate occasions, James Bond's incredible escapades are witnessed by the same hapless tourist. 

Wherever in the wide world this poor guy goes on vacation...he can't get away from Bond.

And the wilder Bond's antics, the more this guy wonders what the heck's in his drink.

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977) Sardinia
MOONRAKER (1979) Venice
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981) The Alps

Hopefully, his next vacation will be blissfully Bond-free. But one thing's for sure...

This guy needs a new travel agent! 


Tipsy Tourist: Victor Tourjansky

I neither own nor claim any rights to this material. Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!

JAMES BOND AND THE TIPSY TOURIST (video)

OZPLOITATION TRAILER EXPLOSION -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 3/15/14

 

As all movie fans know, there's nothing more kickass than a collection of movie trailers!  Unless, of course, it's a collection of trailers for rom-coms or Merchant Ivory films.  Those don't get described as "kickass" very often.  But you know what does?  Ozploitation flicks!!!  So you know what would be a really kickass trailer collection?  OZPLOITATION TRAILER EXPLOSION!!!

This 2014 DVD from Intervision doesnt literally explode, of course, but there may be times when you'll think it is, or that your brain itself is exploding from the overload of pure, unadulterated exploitational trash-cinema goodness that you're subjecting it to. 

It's a delirium-inducing cornucopia of drive-in fodder that offers ample evidence that the Australian film industry was a beehive of activity back in the glorious 70s and 80s, with directors such as the great Simon Wincer ("Lonesome Dove", "Quigley Down Under"), actor and Rick Wakeman album narrator David Hemmings, the prolific Colin Eggleston, and even Peter Weir and Bruce Beresford manning the director's chair.  (If the production could afford a director's chair, that is.)

The three things that best transcend a low budget are sex, horror, and action, so these trailers fit snugly within those categories.  "Sexploitation and 'Ocker' Comedies" ("ocker" meaning "consisting of broad and uncultured Aussie stereotypes") gets the ball rolling with a string of low-class and often painfully corny flicks that are as twangy and hick-ified as "Hee Haw."

Barry Crocker and Barry Humphries give us the rowdy musical "The Adventures of Barry McKenzie" (with a young Peter Cook) and its sequel, "Barry McKenzie Holds His Own", guest-starring none other than Donald Pleasence as Count Plasma the vampire.  Graeme Blundell, who went on to play Padme's father in deleted scenes from "Attack of the Clones", stars in a couple of "Alvin Purple" romps about the sexploits of a nerdy-looking chick magnet who is given this valuable business advice: "There are openings everywhere for the right man!"

"Plugg" offers the gorgeous Cheryl Rixon along with some really bad cop hijinks, while Susannah York and Trevor Howard find themselves ensconced in a dreary-looking period costume farce called "Eliza Fraser."  The trailers for "Fantasm" and "Fantasm Comes Again" feature a too-close-for-comfort view of John Holmes' trouser snake while giving us teasing glimpses of favorite 70s porn stars Candy Samples (as "Mary Gavin"), Uschi Digard, Roxanne Brewer,  Rene Bond, and Rainbow Smith. 

In addition to the slapdash and gleefully vulgar comedies are nudge-nudge wink-wink mockumentaries such as "The Love Epidemic", which exhorts viewers to have sex while warning them of V.D., and "The ABC of Love and Sex Australia Style", which we examined in detail here.  All serve as naughty looks at what was considered shocking in "Strine" society in those days and, like the comedies, are brimming with a multitude of boobies and great gobs of softcore sex. 

The ubiquitious Jack Thompson ("Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence") plays the no-nonsense, ultra-manly "Petersen", who takes no guff and tells people to "get stuffed."  Arthur Dignam of "Dead Kids" (aka "Strange Behavior") co-stars, but it's the welcome sight of a topless young Wendy Hughes who makes this trailer interesting.  Thompson turns up again (and again) in "Libido", which offers the usual sexual situations with a lurid and melodramatic leer. 

Much of this material seems to be the same kind of stuff that turned up as late-night filler on the Playboy Channel in the 80s.  Like most of OZPLOITATION TRAILER EXPLOSION, I'm not sure I'd care to actually sit through some of these films yet their trailers provide non-stop entertainment in handy capsule form.

Moving on to "Horror and Thriller",  we get another staple of Aussie cinema that was either well-done or utterly gosh-awful in seemingly equal measures.  Roo-doo potboilers such as "Outback" and "Night of Fear" appear to represent the latter, while something called "Inn of the Damned" ("in the tradition of Hitchcock!") manages to boast none other than Dame Judith Anderson in what is known as "slumming" with a capital "S." 

Returning to sex-comedy territory is "The Night The Prowler", about a woman named Felicity who turns the tables on her nocturnal rapist and becomes a sex-starved prowler herself. "End Play" mixes two brothers, a secluded country house, and a pretty young hitchhiker to give us something that is, the announcer warns, "terribly, terribly wrong."

Reprenting the best of low-budget Australian horror cinema are the trailers for some familiar faves.  "Patrick" tells of a comatose man who may be causing chaos on a subconscious telekinetic level.  "Thirst" is a story of modern-day vampires, while "Dead Kids" is the richly compelling horror thriller by filmmaker Michael Laughlin which stars Michael Murphy, Louise Fletcher,  Fiona Lewis, Dan Shor,  Marc McClure, and Arthur Dignam. 

Peter Weir's "The Last Wave" stars Richard Chamberlain in a nightmare of supernatural evil.  Sigrid Thornton looks great topless in "Snapshot" while being menaced by Vincent Gill and propositioned by "Thirst" star Chantal Contouri.  "Nightmares" is as lurid a horror-slasher flick as they come.  A personal favorite of mine, "Roadgames" (1981), stars Stacy Keach and Jamie Lee Curtis as a truck driver and a hitchhiker on the trail of a highway serial killer. 

Of the three categories featured here, perhaps "Cars and Action" is the one the Australians do best.  Ever since "Mad Max" roared through American drive-ins and cable TVs there's been a string of imitations and outright clones of it and its superior follow-up, "The Road Warrior", which really set the standard for white-line mayhem. 

The same cast members keeping turning up too--not the least of which is probably the busiest man in Oz cinema, Bruce "Gyro Captain" Spence, who seems to be in damn near everything in this collection.  "Mad Max"'s ever-popular "Goose",  Steve Bisley,  heads sci-fi action-thriller "The Chain Reaction", which has its own incredible car chases, crashes, and stunts. 

More automotive vehicles are destroyed and stunt drivers endangered in the hair-raising "Stunt Rock", "Stone" (the guy flying off a cliff on a motorcycle is a stunner), "Fair Game" (another beleaguered woman turns the tables on her antagonists), and the mind-boggling "Midnight Spares" with, you guessed it, Bruce Spence. 

Judging by their trailers, these films are jam-packed with the kind of stuff that makes Quentin Tarantino's "Death Proof" look like a fender-bender.  I can only guess at how wide-open the stuntman trade must've been in Australia during that era.  Some of them seem to be risking life and limb with utter abandon. 

Elsewhere, Alan Arkin does a funny turn as a washed-up superhero in "The Return of Captain Invincible."  "Terminator" rip-off "The Time Guardian" stars Dean Stockwell and Carrie Fisher.  Jimmy Wang Yu goes up against erstwhile 007 George Lazenby in "The Man From Hong Kong." 

There are would-be spaghetti westerns such as "Raw Deal" and Dennis Hopper (in a series of horrible fake beards) as "Mad Dog Morgan."  Aerial thriller "Race for the Yankee Zephyr", with Ken Wahl, George Peppard, Lesley Ann Warren, and Donald Pleasence, is directed by David Hemmings ("Thirst") and features some of the most exhilarating helicopter photography I've ever seen. 

"Attack Force Z" is a mercenary shoot-em-up with Mel Gibson, Sam Neill, Olivia Hussey, and John Phillip Law.  Getting short shrift here is Nicole Kidman's teenage debut,  "BMX Bandits", whose brief trailer seems more like a TV spot.  Peter Weir's "The Cars that Ate Paris" (1974) is just as nutty and stunt-packed as it sounds, and yes, Bruce Spence is in it.

Among the other luminaries popping up here and there in this collection are Broderick Crawford, Judy Davis, Robert Powell, Jenny Agutter, Tom Skerritt,  and James Mason, along with frequent Ocker faves such as Frank Thring and Briony Behets. 

The DVD from Intervision Picture Corp. is in anamorphic widescreen with Dolby Digital mono sound.  No subtitles or extras.  The picture quality is about what you'd expect from a bunch of forty-year-old trailers (give or take a decade).  Running time is 165 minutes.  Many more trailers besides those mentioned here are included (65 in all).

If you're not in the mood for a sit-down meal but fancy a snack tray of sex, horror, and violence goodies, then Mama always said you should try OZPLOITATION TRAILER EXPLOSION.  Because even though you never know what you're gonna get, you can be sure it'll be chock full of fine Strine cui-sine.

OZPLOITATION TRAILER EXPLOSION -- DVD Review by Porfle

"The Matrix": Trinity's Escape Set to Janet Jackson's "That's the Way Love Goes" (video)

Somehow this music just seems to go with this scene.

For us, anyway. In a weird way.

If you like this, please check out the entire movie, "The Matrix"...

...as well as other music by Janet Jackson.


I don't own or claim any rights to any of these materials--just having a little fun with them. Thanks for watching!

"The Matrix": Trinity's Escape Set to Janet Jackson's "That's the Way Love Goes" (video)

HARRY O: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 9/25/12

 

David Janssen was always good at playing a character who was wounded in some way.  His celebrated portrayal of Dr. Richard Kimball in the classic TV series "The Fugitive" showed us a man perpetually devastated by his wife's murder and his exile from society after being wrongly convicted of it. And with his soulful expressions, hesitant half-smiles, and awkward body language, Janssen made us feel his pain.

On a much lighter note, HARRY O: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON (Warner Archive, 6-disc DVD) gives us another wounded Janssen protagonist, only this time the injury is more physical than psychological.  Former police detective Harry Orwell has been forced into retirement by a bullet lodged near his spine, and now lives in a beachfront cottage in San Diego making his living as a private detective.

But unlike the terminally ill-at-ease Dr. Kimball, "Harry O" allows David Janssen to play an amiably world-weary guy who doesn't really have to give a damn unless he feels like it.  He's amusingly grouchy but too softhearted to be a total cynic, with a kind of guarded optimism that keeps him afloat (unlike the battered boat that he's perpetually working to restore).  Those who come to him for help will find him loyal and compassionate if they deserve it, and grumpily dismissive if they don't.

The series, which ran for two seasons from 1973-76 (including two pilot movies), is rich in the kind of 70s cop-show nostalgia one expects while being a few notches above the standard Quinn Martin-type product.  Harry himself is more wistful and introspective than the usual TV cop of the era, and thanks to his physical condition he sometimes has to stop and catch his breath during an exciting chase scene.  Not only that, but with a car that spends more time in the shop than on the road, Harry often arrives at the scene of the crime by bus.

While mainly serious, a wry humor permeates the show even in its darkest moments.  Much of it is contained in Harry's gruff voiceovers ("Personally, I don't mind being tailed...if I were ashamed to be seen someplace, I wouldn't go there") while the dialogue is often laced with amusing zingers such as when Harry calls on a woman known for her psychic abilities.  "Is she expecting you?" the maid asks at the door.  "If she's psychic, she is," Harry answers.  Most of the fun comes from Harry's pleasantly abrasive relationship with Lt. Manuel "Manny" Quinlan (Henry Darrow) of the San Diego police and his rookie assistant Sgt. Frank Cole, likably played by future cult actor Tom Atkins. 

Although the writing is consistently good, much of the appeal of "Harry O" is simply the chance to hang out with these characters and enjoy watching them go through their paces along with a variety of familiar guest stars of the era.  The first regular episode, "Gertrude", is a nifty enough mystery about a highly eccentric woman whose brother is missing from the navy, but seeing the appealing Julie Sommars in the quirky title role is what makes it worth watching. 

"Coinage of the Realm" not only gives us the great Kenneth Mars (YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN) but also shows that Dawn Lyn was actually a fairly promising child actress despite the idiotic "Dodie" character she played on "My Three Sons."  And speaking of child actresses, Lisa Gerritsen of "Phyllis" fame gets a surprisingly adult guest role in "Ballinger's Choice" as Paul Burke's 16-year-old lover, with Juliet Mills and Tim McIntyre also in the cast.

Episodes 11 and 12 form the season's only two-parter, "Forty Reasons to Kill", which features Joanna Pettet, Craig Stevens, and Broderick Crawford.  "The Last Heir" is a delightfully offbeat whodunnit in the Agatha Christie mold, with Harry stranded in a desert hacienda with a family of kooks trying to kill each other over an inheritance.  Jeanette Nolan is outstanding as the eccentric millionairess, with Whit Bissell and Katherine Justice lending support.

With episode 15, "For the Love of Money", comes a retooling of the series that finds Harry transported from San Diego to Santa Monica--thus losing co-star Henry Darrow, regretfully--and moving into another oceanfront abode, this time next door to a bevy of beautiful stewardesses!  (Which, not surprisingly, brightens Harry's disposition considerably.)  Billy Goldenberg's gorgeous cool-jazz musical theme is altered as well, while the opening titles sequence reflects a more action-guy persona for Harry (more running and shooting, less bus travel). 

Anthony Zerbe joins the cast as Lt. K.C. Trench, whose relationship with Harry will be alternately friendly and contentious, and Farrah Fawcett debuts in episode 19 ("Double Jeopardy") as a tentative romantic interest for the now inexplicably irresistible Harry.  The season's next-to-last episode, "Elegy for a Cop", features the shocking demise of a regular character in one of the season's most serious episodes (penned by series creator Howard Rodman).  The final episode in the set, "Street Games", is notable for giving us "Brady Bunch" alumnus Maureen McCormick as a teen drug addict.

Other guest stars featured during season one include Linda Evans, Jim Backus, Cab Calloway, Leif Erickson, Sharon Acker, Charles Haid, Stephanie Powers, Barry Sullivan, Linda Evans, Anne Archer, Gordon Jump, Lawrence Luckinbill, David Dukes, Rosalind Cash, Margaret Avery, James McEachin, Jack Mullaney, Diane Ewing, Marla Adams, Michael Strong, James Olson, Barbara Anderson, Robert Reed, Jerry Hardin, Sharon Farrell, Bernie Kopell, Mariclaire Costello, John Rubenstein, Diana Hyland, Kathleen Lloyd, James Wainwright, William Sylvester, Jack Riley, Lawrence Pressman, Kurt Russell, Ben Piazza, and Karen Lynn Gorney.

The first of two pilot TV-movies for the series--"Such Dust as Dreams are Made On", with Martin Sheen, Sal Mineo, Margot Kidder, Will Geer, and Marianna Hill (Fredo's wife in THE GODFATHER PART II)--is included on disc six, but not the second pilot, "Smile Jenny, You're Dead", which, sadly, is missing here. 

Sheen, an extremely familiar television presence at the time, plays Harlan Garrison, the petty thief who shot Harry years earlier during a hold-up and forced him into early retirement.  A young Cheryl Ladd appears briefly under her real name, Cheryl Jean Stoppelmoor.  The frantic motorcycle chase finale, with Harry hightailing it after a fleeing Sal Mineo, would be reused in its entirety for the episode "Elegy for a Cop."  

The six-disc DVD set from Warner Archive is in the original full-screen with Dolby mono sound.  No subtitles.  Picture quality shows its age a bit at times but still looked fine to me, although videophiles will no doubt notice every scratch.

While enjoying respectable ratings during its second season, "Harry O" would nevertheless be cancelled by ABC president Fred Silverman in favor of the jigglier "Charlie's Angels", causing a disillusioned David Janssen to pretty much retire from series TV altogether until his untimely death in 1980.  But we're lucky to have two good seasons of "Harry O", the first of which is now preserved in HARRY O: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON for 70s cop show fans to enjoy and wax nostalgic over. 

HARRY O: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON -- DVD Review by Porfle

FATHER'S DAY -- Movie Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 2/24/12

 

I didn't know quite what to expect when I started watching FATHER'S DAY (2011), a condition which persisted throughout the entire movie.  Just when you think you've pretty much figured out what it is you're watching, it turns into something a whole lot weirder and several times nuttier.

Written, directed, and starred in by a group of Winnipeg filmmakers who call themselves Astron-6, it's an unashamedly stupid, gore-drenched grab bag of tongue-in-cheek tough-guy action-horror-comedy antics done in the fake-grindhouse style of PLANET TERROR, but with real grindhouse production values and attitude. 

Most nostalgic of all for me, it's presented as though home-taped sometime during the 80s off a late-night cable station called ASTR-TV, complete with promo bumpers, smarmy announcer, and a mid-movie faux trailer for something really, really cheesy called STAR RAIDERS.

The story begins in semi-sane fashion with corpulent "Father's Day Killer" Chris Fuchman (Mackenzie Murdock) raping and butchering dads, including that of gay street hustler Twink (Conor Sweeney).  This repellent character also killed the father of young Ahab and cut out his right eye in the bargain. 

Now grown up, Ahab (Adam Brooks) is a growly-voiced, eye-patched "Snake Plissken" type out for revenge along with his stripper sister Chelsea (Amy Groening), the addlebrained Twink, and a jittery young priest named Father John (Matthew Kennedy) whose blind, aging mentor also met a horrific Fuchman-related fate. 

What follows makes ARMY OF DARKNESS look like a Doris Day/Rock Hudson comedy as this simple revenge flick gets progressively more absurd.  Characters obsess "Monty Python"-style over simple figures of speech, as when Ahab tells Father John that it's time to harvest his maple syrup before it turns bitter and Father John wrongly interprets this as a metaphor for Ahab and his sister Chelsea, after which a confused Ahab spends five minutes trying to figure out why Father John just compared him to a tree.

Twink, meanwhile, begins the film as a deceptively serious character grieving over his dead dad (Billy Sadoo's acting while being murdered by Fuchman is strikingly realistic), making his descent into extreme goofiness even more pronounced.  Elsewhere, Father John's odyssey takes him from a meltdown in the pulpit worthy of Richard Burton on laughing gas (in a scene which may have been inspired by the opening to NIGHT OF THE IGUANA) to a hostage situation in Heaven with the desperate priest holding God (Troma head honcho Lloyd Kaufman) at gunpoint. 

While all this is going on, Fuchman continues his reign of terror complete with a cornucopia of wet 'n' wild gore effects including entrails, exploding heads, and one shocking moment that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "eat me."  None of this, however, is quite as disturbing as the image of a full-on naked Mackenzie Murdock displaying his eye-watering genitalia and humping everyone in sight. 

Just when you think our heroes have defeated the bad guy and made everything right with the world again, FATHER'S DAY pulls out all the stops and goes totally off the deep end with Ahab, Twink, and Father John descending into Hell to rescue Chelsea, who's been kidnapped by Fuchman to be the bearer of his evil seed or whatever. 

While this may sound pretty horrible, it's all basically just an excuse to ramp up the bizarre off-the-wall comedy to even greater heights (or should I say depths) of calculated idiocy.  Along with even more squishy gore effects, of course.  Oh yeah, and I almost forgot to mention the extreme incest sequence and the buxom, chainsaw-wielding stripper played by my future wife, Zsuzsi. 

As nastily nostalgic as the more expensive, star-studded PLANET TERROR and packed with more grindhouse-verite' style than HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN, the gleefully horrendous FATHER'S DAY will be a riotous romp for some, a nauseating nightmare for others.  You probably know which camp you're in by now. 


Our coverage of the film's premiere

Official website

FATHER'S DAY -- Movie Review by Porfle

HEROES SHED NO TEARS -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

 Originally posted on 6/21/19

 

John Woo had already been directing films for 12 years before making HEROES SHED NO TEARS, aka "Ying xiong wu lei" (Film Movement Classics, 1986), but it's the earliest of his films that I've seen which already makes it an interesting watch for a fan of his dazzling, flamboyant directing style.

It was actually completed in 1984 but shelved until Woo's subsequent film A BETTER TOMORROW became a hit.  Sort of a contractual obligation film for Golden Harvest, Woo's heart wasn't completely in it, yet he packed this blazing war thriller with as much bloody, bone-crushing action and tearful sentiment as it would hold.

The story is simple: a group of seasoned Chinese mercenaries are hired by the Thai government to attack the jungle lair of a powerful, loathsome drug lord, destroy it, capture him, and make their way through Thailand, Cambodia, and Viet Nam to the coast and their pickup point.

But once they have him (after the film's first explosive action sequence gets things off to a rousing start), everything goes wrong. The next thrilling scene occurs when the group's leader Chan Chung (Eddy Ko) stops off at his home to check on his family (his son, sister-in-law, and her father), only to find them already taken hostage.

The tense, bullet-riddled mayhem that follows sets the tone for the rest of the film, which will consist of action scene after action scene connected by interludes of both sticky sentiment (Chan Chung and his son have many touching father-son moments) and out-and-out comedy relief supplied by two very gregarious young battle chums.

This is in addition to instances of shocking sadism supplied by an evil Vietnamese colonel with whom the group runs afoul when they rescue a female French journalist from being executed, during which the colonel loses an eye.

He not only orders his own men to go after the group, but also terrorizes a local tribe of villagers into tracking them down as well. With the Thai drug soldiers, the Chinese soldiers, and the native spear-carrying trackers all after our heroes, the film becomes sort of a jungle variation of Walter Hill's THE WARRIORS.

The aforementioned drastic shifts in tone are pretty much all over the place (a quality Woo was aware of while filming), but one hardly has time to take note of this before the next battle fills the air with bullets, blood, and fiery explosions.

At one point Chan Chung runs into an old American friend, one of those "never went home" ex-soldiers whose hut is rigged with about a ton of explosives, all of which will eventually go off when the bad guys find their way there.

Stylistically, the film has little or none of Woo's usual finesse, that certain artistic blend of slow-motion, creative camera angles, and meticulous rapid-fire editing to create a heady visual experience that goes beyond simply recording events.  Here, he uses more of a sledgehammer approach, well-staged but boisterous and bombastic. 

Along the way to their pickup point, our heroic mercenaries go through hell and have their number violently reduced one by one.  It's almost painful to watch when characters we care about are killed and situations go dreadfully wrong, but this is a testament to the relatively crude (by Woo standards) yet viscerally effective HEROES SHED NO TEARS, which is an absolute must-see for John Woo fans.  

Film Movement Classics
1986
99 Minutes
Hong Kong
Cantonese, English, Thai, Vietnamese (English subtitles)
Action, Drama
NR

Blu-ray Features

Interview with star Eddy Ko
New Essay by Grady Hendrix
Sound: 5.1 surround and 2.0 stereo

DVD Features

Interview with star Eddy Ko
New Essay by Grady Hendrix
 

HEROES SHED NO TEARS -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

BORDER RUN -- Blu-Ray Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 2/22/13

 

Sharon Stone as a conservative, "fair and balanced" TV reporter who's against illegal immigration?  Well, I just knew that sounded too un-Hollywood to be true, and sure enough, before BORDER RUN (2012) is over, her character has an epiphany that revs her overacting dial up to eleven and beyond.

Sharon plays "hard-nosed right-wing journalist" Sophie Talbert, who, with a black fright wig emphasizing her pale skin, hardly looks like someone who lives right on the Arizona-Mexico border.  Like Jane Fonda's initially conservative TV newswoman in THE CHINA SYNDROME, she's on the wrong side of the issue at hand (by Tinseltown standards, that is) until shown the error of her ways--in this case, when her own relief-worker brother Aaron (Billy Zane) disappears in Mexico and she must enter the world of the illegal immigrant herself in order to find him. 

After Sophie arrives in Mexico, Aaron's co-worker Rafael (Rosemberg Salgado) offers to take her in his pickup to a meeting with someone named Javier who may be able to help her.  On the way there, they form an instant romantic bond that has them stopping off at a roadside bar to get drunk and dance while precious minutes in the missing Aaron's life tick away.  This odd passage indicates how awkward some of the tone shifts and scene transitions will be for the rest of the film.

Before we know it, Sophie and Rafael get separated and she meets up with Javier (Miguel Rodarte), joining a group of migrants whom he's smuggling across the border.  Naturally, Sophie's rigid attitude toward the whole thing begins to change when she discovers that some of the migrants are nice people with heartwarming personal stories (imagine that!), and that the process tends to be both dangerous and uncomfortable. 

Just how dangerous becomes clear when the tanker truck they're stashed inside gets diverted to a remote farmhouse well short of the border, where Sophie meets the film's main villain, Juanita (Giovanna Zacarías), a real piece of work who could easily be the poster girl for PMS.  We've already seen this mega-bitch-on-wheels repeatedly beating up the bound Aaron, who's also being held there, and now we get to see her kicking a pregnant woman in the stomach while one of her fat, sweaty henchmen has his way with the bound Sophie. 

This decidedly unpleasant rape scene gives Sharon Stone yet another chance to do some full-tilt emoting and it will be far from her last.  I won't go into everything that occurs next but after an escape, a chase, and the proverbial run for the border, Sophie ends up in a border station where her newly-found righteous indignation against U.S. immigration policy is given full vent.  Here, Sharon lets loose with a "big acting" moment by throwing a fit that is borderline (excuse the phrase) hilarious.

You might think that the film, having made its point, will fade out on Sophie's return to the USA to crusade against immigration reform, but this is when BORDER RUN pulls a plot twist on us that's worthy of a horror movie, with Sophie suddenly ending up in more grave peril than ever.  With this added sequence, the film finally lurches all the way into "so bad it's good" territory and makes me wish I'd been watching it as a wacky exploitation flick instead of a misguided message pic all along.

As mentioned before, Sharon Stone's performance here is wonderfully bad, especially since director Gabriela Tagliavini seems intent on photographing her as unflatteringly as possible from start to finish.  Billy Zane, who plays Aaron, demonstrates once again that if a project doesn't make him feel like turning on the old "Billy Zane" magic, he's Stiff City.  And as the monstrous Juanita, Giovanna Zacarías almost makes Al Pacino look like a study in subtlety.

The Blu-Ray disc from Anchor Bay is in 2.35:1 widescreen with Dolby 5.1 sound and subtitles in English and Spanish.  No extras.

BORDER RUN is ridiculously melodramatic where it means to be hard-hitting, and goes for big emotional moments that it hasn't really earned.  A weird combination of social relevance and pure exploitation, it fails as a "good" movie but succeeds, to some extent anyway, as a perversely entertaining train wreck. 

BORDER RUN -- Blu-Ray Review by Porfle

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS (1955) -- Movie Review by Porfle

 

 (Originally posted on 11/22/2009. My reviews were pretty spoiler-y back then--in fact, I pretty much recapped the entire movie. So fair warning.)

 

I saw the 2001 Vin Diesel remake of this when it first hit home video, and now I can't remember a friggin' thing about it. Except it had some hinky CGI car-driving shots in it. They gotta use CGI just to show people driving cars now? They can't get actual stunt drivers to do actual cool car stunts? Anyway, I do remember one single zoopy-doopy CGI shot of Vin Diesel driving a car. Real memorable flick there.

Of course, it wasn't really a remake--it just used the same cool title. The original THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS (1955) was the historic first film released by American International Pictures, the undisputed kings of the low-budget exploitation flick during the 50s and 60s, and one of the first films produced (and co-written) by the legendary Roger Corman. 

 

It was co-directed by Edwards Sampson (MONSTER FROM THE OCEAN FLOOR) and the film's star, John Ireland (RED RIVER), and probably didn't cost very much to make, since most of the running time consists of people driving around, walking around, having picnics, and reacting to some ragged stock footage of auto races.

Ireland plays Frank Webster, an independent trucker falsely accused of running another trucker off the road and killing him, when this was actually the other trucker's intention--(hmm, "other trucker" sounds kinda dirty somehow)--since lone wolf Frank was cutting in on a big trucking company's business. Well, Frank breaks out of jail and takes it on the lam with half the cops in the state hot on his trail. 

 

 

 

When he meets free-spirited racing enthusiast Connie Adair (Dorothy Malone) on her way to participate in a big race, he kidnaps her and heads for the border in her souped-up Jaguar with her as his beard. It turns out that the cross-country race will end in Mexico, so he enters it. Along the way, he and Connie fall in love (awwww) when she realizes he's really a nice guy who only acts mean and tough when he's kidnapping people and threatening to kill them.

Bruno VeSota, who played living-doll Yvette Vickers' cuckolded husband in ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES and popped up in about half a million other things later on, turns up in an early diner scene in which innocent fugitive Frank practically puts him into a coma. Another familiar face, Iris Adrian (BLUE HAWAII, THAT DARN CAT!), plays Wilma the gabby waitress. And during Frank and Connie's picnic interlude, who should turn up as the park caretaker but silent-film star Snub Pollard, whose movie career began in 1915. Pretty interesting cast, if you're warped like me.

The first half of the movie consists of Frank and Connie driving around and arguing a lot while evading the police, often while sitting in front of a screen with highway footage projected on it. The best thing about this is getting to look at the gorgeous Dorothy Malone. Holy schnikes! You may remember her as Bob Cummings' girlfriend in the original beach party movie, BEACH PARTY. Or not. 

 

Anyway, she was definitely easy on the eyes, and she gives a lively performance as Connie, constantly griping about being hungry and tired, and throwing the keys out of the moving car and trying to get away every time Frank turns around, and generally getting on his nerves as much as possible. Which he deserves, since he's pretty much of a horse's ass, actually. 

 

 

 

When they get to the place where the big race is being held, Connie runs into an old acquaintance, Faber (Bruce Carlisle, who was only ever in one other movie, FEMALE JUNGLE, thank god), who has the hots for her and starts trying to squeeze ol' Frank out of the driver's seat. Faber is a huge, irritating turdhead who is so creepy that he even makes Frank look like a barrel of laughs in comparison. When the race starts, Faber and Frank go at each other like characters out of the old "Wacky Races" cartoon all the way to Mexico.

And just as you're thinking "Die, Faber, die!" he crashes, setting up the startling ending that is dripping with irony. Well, maybe not dripping. More like a faint irony condensation around the rim. So when this happened I checked the running time to see how much time was left for the wrap-up, and it said forty seconds. Forty seconds? Yikes--when this movie decides to end, it doesn't let the screen door bang its sprockety ass on the way out.

One more thing I feel compelled to mention: right before the race, Frank decides to lock Connie in a secluded shack so she can't call the police and turn him in for his own good (she's convinced he'll get a square deal since he's really innocent, ha ha). So what's the first thing she does? She sets it on fire. I don't know about you, but setting the old wooden shack that I'm locked up in on fire wouldn't be my first idea. It would be around #11 or #12 on the list, tops.

Fortunately, a passing motorist sees the smoke and gets her out, and he's played by none other than an unbilled Jonathan Haze of LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS. Heck, Roger Corman himself even turns up early on as a state trooper. But, please--if you ever find yourself locked in a wooden shack, don't set it on fire right off the bat just because Dorothy Malone does it in this movie, because chances are that in real life, the guy who played Seymour Krelboin isn't going to toodle by and let you out.

So, while THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS isn't exactly an edge-of-your-seat nailbiter, it's fun to watch if you're into low-budget exploitation flicks from the 50s, and especially if you're a Roger Corman fan. And it actually has real people driving real cars. You even get to see Dorothy Malone tearing ass down the highway in one scene, which is cool in some weird sexual way that I can't even begin to explain. Plus, it was made twelve years before Vin Diesel was even born, so there's absolutely no danger of him being in it.

 

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS (1955) -- Movie Review by Porfle

FIST OF FEAR, TOUCH OF DEATH -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 4/25/20

 

Some movies take material that's unused or left over from other films, shoot new footage to augment it, and repackage it all as a new film. But every once in a while a movie is such a mishmash of various elements that it looks like something out of Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory.

Which brings us to the 1980 martial arts monstrosity FIST OF FEAR, TOUCH OF DEATH (Film Detective), one of the most stupefyingly shameless Bruce Lee death-sploitation pastiches you'll ever see.

Being that he was the most popular martial arts superstar of all time, Bruce Lee's death brought on an endless parade of cash-ins that used either random footage of the man himself or lookalikes pretending to be him, or both, all hoping to appeal to fans of actual Bruce Lee films such as ENTER THE DRAGON.

Here, exploitation producer Terry Levene discovered a print of a black and white film called "Thunderstorm" which featured a very young Bruce Lee in a pedestrian family drama.

Redubbing it to turn it into a story of a young man who wants to be a martial artist despite his parents' wishes, Levene also added lengthy scenes from an unrelated samurai film as flashbacks, its lead character now identified as Bruce's great-grandfather who was a great warrior.

But Levene wasn't done yet. To this he added new scenes with action star Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, martial arts legend Ron "The Black Dragon" Van Clief, and fight promoter and star Aaron Banks, in a wraparound scenario which takes place during a major fight event at Madison Square Garden in which a new successor to Bruce Lee is to be named.

Some of the ring action is as fake as WWE wrestling (one fighter plucks out an opponent's eyeballs and tosses them to the fans) but there are also some exhibitions of skill and a climactic kickboxing match.

With Banks promoting the actual event, a non-union film crew was allowed access disguised as a TV news crew, including golden-voiced actor Adolph Caesar (who would later be nominated for an Oscar for A SOLDIER'S STORY) serving as both sports commentator and the film's narrator.

Caesar's narration and interviews with actual fight stars give the film a mockumentary quality at times, and his reminiscences about Bruce Lee's early life serve to introduce the "Thunderstorm" footage.

This storyline fails to generate much interest save for the novelty of seeing the charming young star playing a "gee whiz" teen who just wants to skip homework and attend the big karate match.  The "samurai" scenes are even less compelling since we keep joining them in progress and don't really know or care what's going on in them.

In fact, when the film starts juggling scenes from these different old movies in earnest, you may want to start chapter skipping through them just to see what this dizzying patchwork narrative has in store for us next.

I like the Fred Williamson storyline, with some funny touches such as having everyone mistake him for Harry Belafonte. When he fights over a taxi with a nerdy white dude in a suit, I even laughed out loud at the obviousness of the guy's name (scripter Ron Harvey as "Jasper Milktoast").

Later, martial arts star Bill Louie rescues two women from being raped in the park, fighting off a horde of thugs while dressed as Bruce Lee's character "Kato" from TV's "The Green Hornet." And interlaced with all this is actual interview footage of Bruce Lee, dubbed with new dialogue.

Restored from the original 35mm camera negative, the print is not bad at all for an old grindhouse flick such as this. Special features include trailers and a lengthy making-of featurette with Levene, Harvey, Williamson, Van Clief, and director Matthew Mallinson which I actually found more enjoyable than the feature (!) The keepcase includes liner notes from Will Sloan and Justin Decloux, hosts of The Important Cinema Club podcast.

Bottom line: if you get a kick out of this sort of cinematic oddity, then you know just what you're in for and should view FIST OF FEAR, TOUCH OF DEATH in a state of giddy delight. If not, then chances are you'll like it about as much as a swift kick in the teeth.




SPECIAL FEATURES

    Restoration from the original 35mm camera negative
    A featurette of behind-the-camera takes on the film in brand new interviews with Fist of Fear, Touch of Death actors Fred Willaimson and Ron Van Clief, producer Terry Levene, director Matthew Mallinson, and scriptwriter Ron Harvey
    Original theatrical trailer
    Liner notes from Will Sloan and Justin Decloux, hosts of The Important Cinema Club podcast

Release Date: 3-31-2020
Runtime: 82 minutes
Genre: Action
Language: English
Rating: R
Color/BW: Color

FIST OF FEAR, TOUCH OF DEATH -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

PANTHER GIRL OF THE KONGO -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 1/19/22

 

Serials are a wonderful phenomenon unto themselves. They aren't self-contained units like movies or TV show episodes.  They're something that we watch in a different way entirely, with each open-ended chapter gradually adding up to a cumulative whole. 

And since the usually rather uncomplicated overall story must be sustained throughout these multiple chapters, it must necessarily be rambling, padded, stretched-out, repetitive, and filled with dead ends and shaggy-dog subplots.  (This is why so many serials have so easily been edited down into regular-length feature films.)

Because of this, serials seem to take place in their own unique, utterly unreal universe where actions are rash, dialogue is corny, the laws of physics don't apply, and logic as we know it simply doesn't exist.

Regarding the serial-like Saturday morning TV series "Jason of Star Command" I once said: "There's nothing like a show that's both stupid and cool at the same time to bring out the kid in me." This is, to me, a perfect summation of the appeal of the serial.  Since it's resolutely unlike anything else, it offers a whole different appeal and a refreshingly naive and uncomplicated kind of fun that's simply indescribable. 

Which brings us to PANTHER GIRL OF THE KONGO (1954), the latest classic serial to be released on Blu-ray and DVD by Olive Films.  The penultimate chapter play from Republic Pictures, who gave us THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARVEL, it came near the end of the glorious serial era but still serves as a fun and exciting example of it.

The lovely and talented Phyllis Coates, who first played Lois Lane opposite George Reeves in the TV series "The Adventures of Superman", stars as Jean Evans, known as "The Panther Girl" by the local natives due to an earlier incident which has become legend.  Jean's profession as a fearless wildlife photographer makes her a bit of a female Carl Denham, who once boasted that he would've gotten "a swell shot of a charging rhino" if his assistant hadn't run away with the camera.

 

Here, however, the charging rhino is replaced by a "claw monster" created by Dr. Morgan (Arthur Space, THE SHAKIEST GUN IN THE WEST, THE RED HOUSE), a shady scientist operating in the area.  Morgan and his burly henchmen Cass (John Day, THE RELUCTANT ASTRONAUT, SILVER STREAK) and Rand (Mike Ragan, EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL) have an illicit diamond mine but can't work it until the natives and other snooping interlopers have been run out of the area. 

To this end, Morgan has created a growth formula to turn crawdads--yes, crawdads!--into giant lobsters known as "claw monsters" which Cass and Rand then herd toward the village to wreak fear and havoc.  (And, potentially, one hell of a seafood dinner.) 

The whole thing's too much for even the intrepid Jean to handle by herself, so she calls upon the aid of her pal, big-game hunter Larry Sanders (Myron Healey, THE SHAKIEST GUN IN THE WEST, THE UNEARTHLY, RIO BRAVO) to come join in the hunt for the claw monsters and to help deal with Cass and Rand, who make quite a nuisance of themselves at the behest of Dr. Morgan.

Thus, we have the groundwork for 12 entire chapters filled with furious fistfights, blazing shootouts, jungle perils, and an ample serving of giant lobsters.  Sanders handles the frequent fisticuffs, with Jean usually falling and conveniently getting knocked out at the onset of each fight.  The shootouts are a different matter, as Jean wields a rifle or a pistol with equal skill. 

Each chapter ends, of course, with a cliffhanger, with Healey's character being the subject of a surprising number of them.  Most aren't all that imaginative, involving falling trees, exploding dynamite, quicksand, etc. but some end on a more exciting note with Jean being menaced by a giant lobster claw or an advancing gorilla-suit suitor. 

Phyllis Coates, who somehow looked appealingly MILF-y even in her 20s, makes for a fetching heroine when Healey isn't hogging the action limelight himself.  Many viewers used to seeing her in the prim 50s fashions Lois Lane wore in "Superman" will delight at the sight of Phyllis running around in her jungle miniskirt and boots for 12 chapters.  (She also sports a robust, chest-heaving scream that rivals that of the great Fay Wray herself.)

While much of the action consists of stock footage from the 1941 Frances Gifford serial JUNGLE GIRL, Phyllis gets ample opportunity to show off her character's derring-do when the usually self-reliant Sanders stumbles into a few sticky situations that require rescue by the Panther Girl.

In one scene she executes a thrilling high dive off a cliff to save the drowning hunter.  In another, she does a backflip off a swinging vine just in time to wrestle a crocodile that's about to eat him. 

Since this is a budget-conscious jungle adventure, the Republic backlot is pressed into service to stand in for darkest Africa, along with a standing town set, a simple native village, and a limited number of interior sets including the doctor's lab, the diamond mine, a saloon, and Jean's rustic jungle bungalow.

Special effects by the ubiquitous Howard and Theodore Lydecker (COMMANDO CODY: SKY MARSHAL OF THE UNIVERSE, JOHNNY GUITAR) include some cool rear-projection shots of those wonderfully hokey-looking claw monsters with Jean and Sanders blasting away at them in the foreground. 

The DVD from Olive Films has an aspect ratio of 1.37:1 with mono sound and optional English subtitles.  No extras.  The transfer is from a near-pristine print with beautiful black and white photography that's just a joy to look at.  (Note to subtitle writers: in 1954 it was "Miss", not "Ms.")

PANTHER GIRL OF THE KONGO probably wouldn't rank among the best serials of all time, but darn if it isn't one of the most downright fun and enjoyable ones that I've seen.  There's just something about these things--stupid, yes, but totally cool--that I find utterly irresistible.

PANTHER GIRL OF THE KONGO -- DVD Review by Porfle