GRANNY OF THE DEAD -- Movie Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 7/7/17

With all the zombie flicks crawling out of the woodwork and trying to take a bite out of us ever since George Romero assailed us with NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD way back in 1968, you'd think the genre would be nothing more than a withered, decaying corpse by now. 

But then, every once in a while a movie like GRANNY OF THE DEAD (2017) shambles along to breathe new life into it.

There's not a whole lot of exposition.  We meet a group of fun-loving youths having a reunion in an old church in the hinterlands of Wales, but barely get to know them before they're chased away by an old lady who then seems to get taken over by an unseen force and transformed into a slavering, black-eyed zombie.

Obviously some diabolical curse has descended upon this small Welsh town, because immediately all of its older people begin to get infected as well and morph into some of the most horrific, unstoppable zombies you've ever seen. 

Ed (Marcus Carroll), whom we met earlier at the church, wakes up to find his nan coming at him like a deranged spider monkey and hungering for his flesh.  Not only is she extremely frightful-looking, but she seems to have been mainlining Geritol as well.

We're barely ten minutes into GRANNY OF THE DEAD and already the full-scale zombie attack is on.  Barricaded in his room against his living-dead nan, he observes all manner of ghastliness through his window while trying to contact his friends via cell phone.

 

They, it turns out, all have similar problems with the various flesh-hungry oldsters who are either shambling, lurching around with walkers, or sprinting after them with such vigor that their prey must scramble to stay out of reach.  Some even manage to operate heavy machinery.

The gore is plentiful and the zombie action comes fast and furious.  Things really get going when Ed decides he must escape from his room and confront the zombies head on.  Meanwhile, his friends all have their hands full with touch-and-go situations of their own.

Writer-director Tudley James (SHARKNADO) handles it with a sort of anything-goes style that's consistently interesting, bombarding us with hand-held shots, Dutch angles, jittery camerawork and editing, and whatever else it takes to keep our nerves stretched taut.

These are some ugly zombies, too, and best of all, they're actually scary.  In fact, much of the film consists of nerve-jangling scenes of blood-chilling suspense that should keep you on the edge of your seat despite an undercurrent of mordant satire. 

The story is rife with a very dry, deadpan humor that's played absolutely straight (performances are excellent) and doesn't detract at all from the horror effect.  It's dark, dense, with the intertwined currents of morbid humor (I especially loved the JURASSIC PARK reference) and ghastly horror making it all the more effective.

Brimming with all-out gory goodness, GRANNY OF THE DEAD is the real deal for zombie fanatics, a living dead flick that's both exciting and full of genuine shivery scares and apocalyptic atmosphere.  I had a giddy good time watching it.


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GRANNY OF THE DEAD -- Movie Review by Porfle

FRANKY AND HIS PALS -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted 6/27/20


There are movie lovers who love bad movies--we all know about them. And then there are those hardy souls who take it a whole 'nother step farther than a simple fondness for such films as PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE and MANOS: HANDS OF FATE. These are the people who love bad shot-on-video movies from back in the days of VCRs and camcorders.

Yes, I'm talking about the obscure, murky, mind-numbing video relics of which our subject for today, FRANKY AND HIS PALS (Intervision, 1991), is a prime example. For most people, trying to watch such barrel-scraping stuff would be an insufferable ordeal. For others, it's a special kind of fun that can't really be logically explained.

Suffice it to say, this story of five "classic" monsters (more or less) who happen upon a treasure map and then try to find a cache of hidden gold, is only as good as you imagine it to be. If this is your cup of weak tea, you'll have a ball. If not, you may have a cow just trying to get away from it.

It all begins with the monsters, who have been trapped in a cave for years by a landslide, escaping thanks to the extreme flatulence of gassy monster Franky blowing a boulder away from the entrance.

The others include Drak, Wolfie, Mummy and the parasitic smart-aleck reptile who lives in his tummy, and Humper the lecherous hunchback.  If Drak sounds familiar to you, it's because the actor playing him seems to be attempting to channel Christopher Lloyd. (A helpful disclaimer during the closing credits assures us that "celebrity voice are simulated.")

When Humper produces the treasure map during a poker game, they set off on foot for the small backwoods town where the hotel containing the gold is located. Here, they search for the hidden riches under tables, in books, behind shelves--wherever a fortune in gold wouldn't be in a million years--while a costume party-slash-dance taking place in the hotel keeps them from attracting too much undue attention.

This sets up filmmaker Gerald Cormier (BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD) to give us a parade of bad jokes and vignettes that make "Hee Haw" look like A NIGHT AT THE OPERA. Humper makes good on his name by descending upon every female derriere in sight, while Wolfie hooks up with a gay guy in a tutu named Clover and Mummy can't get anywhere with the ladies because his scaly alter-ego keeps making offensive quips and getting him slapped.

Drak avails himself of an available neck here and there, delivering what is probably the movie's funniest line after one particularly good snack ("Mmm...type O, vintage '65. A very good year!") It all comes to an explosive finale when Franky discovers an entire pot of chili beans cooking on the stove and gulps them down.

The monster makeup is passable when the camera isn't too close to it. Performances are about as good as one might expect, while, surprisingly, the technical aspects actually display a certain rudimentary level of professionalism that lifts this effort above most other shot-on-video fare. 

Serving as backdrop during all the fart and pee-pee jokes, naughty sex scenes, and a climactic bikini contest are some of the worst rock and rap songs one could possibly hope to never hear. Somehow, though, it would spoil much of the fun if they were actually good.

Rounding things off are a peripheral subplot about a mad scientist with a time machine and a couple of black gravediggers whose dialogue is of the "Are you jivin' me?" variety.

The DVD from Intervision is in full frame with English captions. Extras include an interview with actor Eric "Big Franky" Weathersbee, an interview with actor/FX artist Keith "Humper" Lack, an interview with actor Shawn "Clover" West, interviews with members of the "Franky and His Pals" party band, and a "Radio Beach" music video by same.

A disclaimer informs us that the original materials have been lost, and that this DVD print comes from the only surviving element which is a commercial copy of the film. Thus, FRANKY AND HIS PALS looks exactly the way it should look--as though you'd just rented it on VHS from some hole-in-the-wall video store in 1991. I wouldn't have it any other way.


Limited Edition, Hand-Numbered DVD/Limited to 1000 Copies
 

FRANKY AND HIS PALS -- DVD Review by Porfle

HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

  Originally posted on 6/12/20

 

Poor Gary--just when he achieves every man's fondest fantasy (well, many of us, anyway) of being the only guy stranded in a remote location with a bevy of beautiful babes, he gets bitten by a big, hairy mutant arachnid and becomes one of the HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (Severin Films, 1960).

These days a film like this German trash classic is usually described as "cheesy", which, admittedly, is rather apt since it's cheap, it's goofy, and it has all the dramatic gravitas of a dime-store sex and horror pulp novel come to sordid life.

It's main qualities are either pros or cons, depending on your point of view. Bad movie fans will love the dumb dialogue and situations, florid performances, and overheated plot that has its over-emoting cast either engaged in steamy sex clinches or running from hairy, fanged monsters through the jungle.  

 
The plane crash scene is especially amusing as it consists of stock footage of a burning plane intercut with random closeups of women screaming comically in front of a black background.

But it also has some nice black-and-white photography which at times is actually quite good, as well as actual outdoor locations and some very attractive actresses portraying the stranded women whose plane went down on its way to a gig in Singapore under the supervision of manly showbiz producer Gary (Alexander D’Arcy, THE AWFUL TRUTH, BLOOD OF DRACULA'S CASTLE) and his partner and romantic interest, Georgia (Helga Franck), a stern woman who isn't above bitch-slapping the more unruly gals when they step out of line.

Chief among these is the lush, plush blonde mega-babe Babs (Barbara Valentine, BERLIN ALEXANDERPLATZ), upon whom many male viewers will remain focused for most of her screen time. Others include the more emotionally vulnerable Gladys, the exhibitionist Linda who strips at the drop of a hat (or anything else), and several other attractive aspiring actresses. 

 
Alpha-blonde Babs and a contentious beta-babe engage in the film's central catfight scene which, in the unedited version, features a guest appearance by Babs' boobs. 

While stranded on the island they stay in the cozy cabin of a scientist whose dead body they discovered hanging in a giant spider web in the livingroom, and whose experiments with uranium created the monster spider that will bite poor Gary and turn him into sort of a clawed were-spider with a face even his mother would run screaming from.

The unfortunate Gary disappears for much of the film when a couple of other studly guys enter the picture in their motorboat and find themselves surrounded by amorous females. 

 
One of them, Bob (Reiner Brandt), is a womanizing letch who acts like a kid in a candy store, while the older, more mature Joe (Temple Foster) finds love with one of the less brazen beauties (during a night of drunken revelry for the rest of the gang which, in the uncut version, is also semi-naked) until their jungle meet-cute is interrupted by the return of slavering party-crasher Gary.

This leads to a lively, fun finale with everyone running around the jungle in terror, alternately chasing after and hightailing it away from their resident human-spider-monster as the film draws to a satisfying close for those brave souls who've actually stayed with it all the way.

Severin Films' Blu-ray edition of the film, "scanned from the Düsseldorf dupe negative", looks great all things considered and is likely the best-looking version of the film currently extant. The disc also contains the alternate U.S. version which is dubbed in English and minus the nudity (released in 1963 as "It's Hot In Paradise" although I've only ever known it under its current title). 

 
Bonus features include the featurette "The History of Spider Island" with film historian Prof. Dr. Marcus Stiglegger, an audio interview with actor Alexander D’Arcy ("Gary") by horror historian David Del Valle, alternate "clothed" scenes from the U.S. version, a trailer, reversible box artwork, and a slipcover with yet more different artwork.

There are two kinds of people in the world--those who will find HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND to be unwatchable, unredeemable trash that they wouldn't touch with ten-foot eyeballs, and those who will savor every single minute of it. I'm a happy member of the second group, and if you are too, then I'll meet you on Spider Island!


Buy it from Severin Films

Special Features:

    Alternate US Release Version: IT’S HOT IN PARADISE
    The History of Spider Island With Prof. Dr. Marcus Stiglegger
    Audio Interview with Actor Alexander D’Arcy by Horror Historian David Del Valle
    Alternate Clothed Scenes
    Trailer
    Revisable Artwork
    Comic Book [WEBSTORE EXCLUSIVE]

 Box art:

Reversible box art:

HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

HOWARD LOVECRAFT AND THE FROZEN KINGDOM -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

 Originally posted on 9/6/16

 

I've read just enough of legendary horror-fantasy author H.P. Lovecraft's work and seen enough film adaptations of it--which vary wildly in tone, faithfulness, overall quality, and just about everything else--to find the prospect of a CGI-animated adventure starring Lovecraft as a small boy in a dark, monstrous world of his own future imagining to be rather irresistible.

As it turns out, HOWARD LOVECRAFT AND THE FROZEN KINGDOM (2016), based on Arcana's graphic novel of the same name, may not be the greatest CGI cartoon you'll ever see, but it does yield more than sufficient rewards for fans of Gothic horror, particularly if they're either very young or, as in my case, young at heart.   (Not to mention just a tad twisted.)

The richly Gothic atmosphere is thick as molasses from frame one as we visit Lovecraft's boyhood home, which would suit the Addams Family just fine, and then accompany young Howard and his mother to visit his father Winfield Lovecraft at the Arkham-like asylum where he's under the care of a sinister-looking Dr. West (Christopher Plummer, BARRYMORE). 

It's here that the crazed Winfield first tells Howard of dark kingdoms and mystical runes and evil creatures, among other scary things, which the boy will later experience firsthand after his mother gives him Winfield's journal to read before bed. 

As this book happens to be volume one of the Necronomicon itself, Howard inadvertently opens up a portal to another dimension in which he finds himself wandering through a vast frozen land, beset by all manner of surreal and sometimes hostile creatures as he tries to find his way back home. 

This quest resembles a cross between "The Wizard of Oz" and a Tim Burton rarebit dream as Howard first encounters a huge and initially hostile tentacled beast with wings who calls himself Thu Thu Hmong (Howard simplifies this to "Spot") with whom he becomes fast friends, and then spends a charming evening in the home of four winsome squid-kid orphans who share a nice cold meal that tastes best when it's squirming.

 

He and Spot then make their way to the castle of Her Highness Algid Bunk (original "Saturday Night Live" castmember Jane Curtin) and her spectral companion Nyarlathotep (Doug Bradley, HELLRAISER, SCREAM PARK) to ask for help. 

The boy is instructed to first journey to a remote mountain cave to recover another volume of the Necronomicon from the dreaded Shoggoth (Ron Perlman, HELLBOY, MUTANT CHRONICLES), one of author Lovecraft's more fearsome creations, so that the icy curse upon her kingdom can be lifted. 

This leads to the film's big finale, a thrilling free-for-all battle between good and evil with Howard and his friends beset by night-gaunts, govlins, and other Lovecraft creatures--including an appearance by none other than Cthulu himself--which is excitingly staged within Algid's lofty palace by writer-director Sean Patrick O'Reilly (PIXIES), who has ardently worked as much fan-pleasing Lovecraftian arcana into the script as possible.

The character renderings and animation are very well done (like a Viewmaster reel come to life) and the settings intensely atmospheric.  The script, for the most part, manages to maintain just the right balance between kid-friendly spook stuff and elements that are pretty much as dark and morbid as one might expect this material to get. 

The 2-disc set from Shout! Factory (which features a lovely reversible cover insert) includes both the Blu-ray and DVD discs along with a code for downloading a digital copy. The feature is in 1.78:1 widescreen with 5.1 audio and stereo, and English subtitles.  Extras include a substantial behind-the-scenes featurette, a trailer, and a chatty, informative director's commentary that I found quite enjoyable.

I'm not sure how well the average dyed-in-the-wool Lovecraft purist will receive HOWARD LOVECRAFT AND THE FROZEN KINGDOM but I can't imagine anyone with an inner "Monster Kid" not getting a kick out of it.  One thing's for sure--any day you watch it will feel like Halloween.

HOWARD LOVECRAFT AND THE FROZEN KINGDOM -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

All The Colossal Beast Scenes In "War Of The Colossal Beast" (1958) (video)

Joyce Manning (Sally Fraser) searches for her brother, Glenn...

...who has been transformed by radiation into a giant monster.

The film was produced and directed by Bert I. Gordon.
Gordon specialized in sci-fi thrillers featuring giant people and animals.

Some of his other films include "Attack of the Puppet People"...
..."Village of the Giants", "The Spider", and "Food of the Gods."

This film is a follow-up to "The Amazing Colossal Man" (1957)...
...in which Glenn Manning was played by Glenn Langan.

Langan was replaced by Dean Parkin for this sequel.
Parkin played a similar monster in Gordon's 1957 film "The Cyclops."

The film's finale takes place at Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles...
...which was featured three years earlier in "Rebel Without A Cause."

Sally Fraser can also be seen in "It Conquered the World"...
..."The Spider", "North By Northwest", and "Elmer Gantry."
Her television credits are extensive. She died in January 2019.

The final sequence of the film is in color.

I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it.  Thanks for watching!

All The Colossal Beast Scenes In "War Of The Colossal Beast" (1958) (video)

SPOOKLEY THE SQUARE PUMPKIN -- Blu-ray/DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 10/19/17
 

 

It's funny how computer-animated cartoons that would've amazed people and won technical awards back in the 80s have become such an everyday thing now.  Still, I sometimes get a kick out of seeing one of these CGI cartoons with the colorful 3D-ish characters and elaborate backgrounds that remind me of moving Viewmaster reels.  And if the story is engaging enough, all the better.

Disney Junior's SPOOKLEY THE SQUARE PUMPKIN (Cinedigm) meets those criteria well enough for a TV production, at least for me anyway.  The characters are expressive and likable, the settings eye-pleasing, the songs enjoyable, and the story by children's book author Joe Troiano is sweet, simple, and comfortingly predictable.

It all begins when a square pumpkin is discovered in the pumpkin patch of Holiday Hill Farm.  This causes grave unrest among the more intolerant in the garden, embodied by a George-and-Lenny pair of pumpkins ("Big Tom" and "Litte Tom") joined by a weirdly umbilical-like vine and very vocal against any pumpkin who isn't properly round as they are. 

These bullies and their bigotry against anyone different from themselves form the basis for the story's lesson on acceptance, which, thankfully, doesn't pile-drive us quite as much as one might suspect. 

In fact, most of the characters, including friendly scarecrow Jack (the patch's amiable leader), brother and sister bats Boris and Bella (Boris craves bugs while Bella admonishes him for wanting to devour their sentient friends), spiders Edgar, Allan, and Poe ("With an 'E'!"), and vain beauty-queen pumpkin Bobo, are actually more-or-less pretty decent toward Spookley.

Square peg Spookley remains insecure even when his comical spider friends persuade him to enter Jack's "Jack-A-Lympics" competition to decide the Pick of the Patch (mainly so they can get their hands on the candy corn crown). 

Naturally, his unusual shape dooms his chances in each round, inviting a fair amount of thoughtless ridicule from the others.  It isn't until a raging storm hits the farm and everyone comes frighteningly close to a bad end that the little square pumpkin's shape enables him to rescue everyone.

As I said, it's all comfortingly predictable.  I must confess to not knowing just how kids these days react to this kind of stuff--I would've been entranced by it, and even now find it pleasantly watchable.   

The characters are pretty funny, and the frequent song-and-dance numbers--some with backup by Pointer Sisters-like trio "The Honey-Doos" and even a few musical ghosts--not only entertain with their clever lyrics and bouncy choreography but also come and go without outstaying their welcome. 

The 2-disc Blu-ray/DVD combo from Cinedigm is in standard television format with English, Spanish, and French 2.0 soundtracks and English SDH subtitles.  Extras consist of five (non-HD) video storybooks, each based on a Joe Troiano book and lasting about five minutes: The Legend of Spookley the Square Pumpkin, The Legend of Beacon the Bright Little Firefly, The Legend of JellyBean and the Unbreakable Egg, The Legend of Lyla the Lovesick Ladybug, and The Legend of Mistletoe and the Christmas Kittens. 

The first of these, "The Legend of Spookley the Square Pumpkin", is read by none other than Bobby "Boris" Pickett of "Monster Mash" fame.  Pickett also sings the main feature's "Monster Mash"-like end titles song, "The Transylvania Twist."

SPOOKLEY THE SQUARE PUMPKIN is ideal small-scale fun for (say it with me) "kids of all ages."  The little ones won't suspect they're being taught a lesson about tolerance even as Spookley's ultimately heartwarming tale leaves them with a Jack o' Lantern smile.

SPOOKLEY THE SQUARE PUMPKIN -- Blu-ray/DVD Review by Porfle

Slumber Party Girls Meet The Sea Monsters! ("Horror Of Party Beach", 1964) (video)

In this low-budget classic, a teen girls' slumber party is crashed.

Not by boys...

...but by scaly, bloodthirsty mutants from the ocean's depths.

The lucky ones will perish quickly...

...while others are carried away by the horrible creatures!


(Read our review of the movie HERE)


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it.  Thanks for watching!

Slumber Party Girls Meet The Sea Monsters! ("Horror Of Party Beach", 1964) (video)

Which Looks Dumber: "THE GIANT CLAW" or "REPTILICUS"? (video)

Two of the silliest-looking creations in horror movie history...

...are the jerky marionette monsters of "The Giant Claw" (1957) and "Reptilicus" (1961).

But which looks dumber? You decide from the trailers...


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it.  Thanks for watching!

Which Looks Dumber: "THE GIANT CLAW" or "REPTILICUS"? (video)

"THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY": SEVEN REVEALS (Screen Adaptations of the Novel by Oscar Wilde) (video)

"The Picture of Dorian Gray": Seven Reveals

"The Picture of Dorian Gray" (1945): Hurd Hatfield
"Golden Showcase: The Picture of Dorian Gray" (1961): John Fraser/ makeup by Dick Smith
"The Picture of Dorian Gray" (1973): Shane Briant
"The Picture of Dorian Gray" (1976): Peter Firth
"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" (2003): Stuart Townsend
"Dorian Gray" (2009): Ben Barnes
"Penny Dreadful" (2014-16): Reeve Carney

I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it.  Thanks for watching!

"THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY": SEVEN REVEALS (Screen Adaptations of the Novel by Oscar Wilde) (video)

GHOST OF GOODNIGHT LANE -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 5/26/14

These days, when you see that a movie has Billy Zane in it, you never know if he's going to actually apply himself or just wander through it until somebody hands him a check.  Maybe it says something for his latest flick, the Dallas-based spookfest GHOST OF GOODNIGHT LANE (2014), that he seems to muster up what comes as close to a performance as you're likely to see from him in something not on the same sea level as, say, TITANIC.

Here, Billy not only displays his best deadpan sense of humor but even wears funny hats as Alan, the crotchety head honcho of a no-budget production facility that churns out crappy movies.  Next to the larger building which houses his soundstage, there's a little old house which is used for editing and other post-production work.  A little old house that's--as Alan and his crew will discover--is haunted.

No time is lost setting things up.  Familiar actor Richard Tyson, who played the bully in THREE O'CLOCK HIGH and also shows up in such films as BLACK HAWK DOWN and BLACK WATERS OF ECHO POND, is the first to die when he's left alone in the house one night to finish editing a sequence and runs afoul of what appears to be a freaky-looking young female ghost who seems very agitated and very angry.  I watched this part right before going to bed, and yes, it did give me the creeps.

After the messy business of  his demise is dealt with (the police rule it an accident) Alan and the rest apply themselves to finishing their latest piece of crap as ominous storm clouds gather around the studio.  We meet his makeup girl Dani (the eternally cute Lacey Chabert), music and sound guy Amin (Lynn Andrews III), fill-in editor/janitor/Dani's boyfriend Ben (Matt Dallas, BEAUTY & THE BRIEFCASE), and the resident needs-a-shower loser Johnny (Adam Whittington), who runs the camera while lusting after actresses such as the plastic-enhanced blonde bimbo Laurel (Christine Bently Quinn).

Creepy-quirky little ghostly pranks occur all morning as you-know-who displays her mischievous side,  while Alan tries to shrug it all off in order to keep everyone from running out on him.  This is made more difficult when Thelma (Allyn Carrell), a weird old lady who claims to have once lived in the little house, suddenly shows up and reveals the whole story of who the ghost is, why she's there, and what she plans to do.  And it ain't pretty.

The movie continues in this vein until finally genre superstar Danielle Harris (HALLOWEEN series, CYRUS, BLACK WATERS OF ECHO POND, CHROMESKULL: LAID TO REST 2, THE VICTIM) as Chloe shows up with fellow thespians Micah (the also-cute Brina Palencia) and musclebound himbo Nico (the not-so-cute John Franklin) to get the ball rolling on what turns out to be the funniest part of the film, the big funky dance scene.  We get to see Alan the director at work here as he urges his performers to be ever more sexy and then foists product placement items upon them in the form of Uzis and "Muscle Milk" health drinks.  ("Muscle Milk" is actually mentioned in the closing credits, making it a genuine product placement item.)

With all this out of the way,  it's finally time for GHOST OF GOODNIGHT LANE to stop farting around and start bringing on the scary, which it does in a big way when the ectoplasm finally hits the fan around the midway point.  Despite all the tongue-in-cheek humor (which continues to amuse even after things get really serious) the story takes a deadly turn involving some pretty effective scares along with wince-inducing violence (one actress is confronted by the decaying, gibbering ghost and is made to slice herself to ribbons with pieces of a broken mirror) and just-plain "WTF?" moments such as one character suddenly flying around the room in fast motion and banging into walls until he's finally sucked through a trapdoor in the floor. 

Director and co-writer Alin Bijan (BELLS OF INNOCENCE) fills the movie with so many shocks both big and small that some of them can't help but score while others fall flat.  (In addition to which, this gang of idiots seems to specialize in sneaking up on each other and going "Boo!")  The ghost, whom we'll come to know as "Carly" (Sophia Arias), is a direct descendant of the stringy-haired young dead girls dressed in rags from such films as THE RING who appear several yards away at first and then instantly jut into screaming close-up, while moving around in jittery, jerkily-edited fast-motion.  One such instance caught on camera made me laugh out loud when budget-conscious Alan remarks, "Was that CGI?  I did NOT approve that."

Before it's all over, we get more cringeworthy instances of self-mutilation (one involving a spinning fan blade), some strange supernatural anomalies, spooky bedroom and bathroom-type scenes with dolls and mirrors, a possession-enhanced catfight (Lacey Chabert punching out Danielle Harris goes on my mental keeper reel), and a bad-CGI-slathered finale.

The DVD from Inception Media Group is in 16x9 widescreen with 5.1 surround sound with English subtitles and closed-captions.  A trailer is the sole extra. (Don't miss the final scene which appears after the end credits have already started rolling.)

At least we get a different set of stereotypes here besides the usual jocks, nerds, and camp counsellors (although there's no shortage of bimbos and horndogs), and the whole thing just kind of ambles along in an agreeable way until some quite watchable mayhem perks up the second half.  And with Billy Zane seemingly enjoying his time spent filming GHOST OF GOODNIGHT LANE, we get to see him actually invest part of his talent into his performance while remaining his casual, Zane-y self.

GHOST OF GOODNIGHT LANE -- DVD Review by Porfle

DEATH PASSAGE -- Movie Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 2/10/17

Red flag: teenagers running around in the woods at night, being menaced by an unseen, err...menace!  Sounds like potential run-of-the-mill generic "dead teenager" fodder, except this time--saints be praised!--it isn't.

Far from the gormless norm, in fact, is the 2015 Australian thriller-chiller DEATH PASSAGE (originally known by the considerably less evocative title "Lemon Tree Passage"), which, while not exactly all-out terrifying, is a shudder-inducing exercise in "eerie."

When three American tourists meet a couple of native Aussies on the beach, the five fun-loving teens share ghost stories around the campfire. One chilling tale involves an unfortunate soul run down one night by careless young joyriders at the crossroads of Lemon Tree Passage, his ghost now said to take the form of a bright light which follows any auto speeding down the dark roadway.

Naturally, they can't resist trying it themselves, and almost immediately the light appears.  Further investigation of the phenomena, however, elevates the situation from a lighthearted lark into a grueling ordeal of terror and death.  Which of course is bad for them, but good for us.

We can see right off the bat that director David Campbell's feature debut is going to be technically well-done, and the script dispenses with the usual stereotypical characters and willfully dumb dialogue in favor of a bit of realism for a change. 

The characters are pretty basic, including Americans Maya (Jessica Tovey, TRACKS, ADORE), her friend Amelia (Pippa Black), and Amelia's younger brother Toby (Tim Pocock).  Australian Geordie (Tim Phillipps), who catches Maya's eye, is pleasant enough, and even the resident "overweight funny guy", Geordie's pal Oscar (Andrew Ryan), is likable enough and doesn't pee on the campfire or light his farts.

The one wild card in this deck, seemingly, is Geordie's weird brother Sam (Nicholas Gunn).  We know Sam is bad news because the film opens with him being haunted by a malevolent supernatural presence which will show up again later while he's in the shower.  We don't know why he's being haunted, but it can't be good. 

Sooner or later, of course, things take a turn for the worst when the entire cast find themselves galumphing around in the pitch black forest at night, hearing far-off screams and seeing elusive lights flashing hither and yon. One by one, they either start to disappear or display strangely unexplained behavior as though possessed by a will not their own.

And this isn't just the usual stalker stuff packed with cheap jump scares.  Campbell and co-writer Erica Brien have a deviously twisty supernatural story to tell here, and they know how to wring all the creepy suspense and eerie atmosphere out of it. 

Things may drag a little at times or become a tad confusing here and there, but for the most part, that dark, foreboding forest becomes a theme park of fear with one dreadful surprise after another. 

After the final revelation comes, DEATH PASSAGE releases us from its cold, slimy grasp and lets us go about our way.  But until then, it's like a deluxe version of one of those creepy campfire tales that chill the blood and make us jump at every sound or movement that comes from beyond the flickering edge of the darkness.

DEATH PASSAGE -- Movie Review by Porfle

RAZORS -- Movie Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 10/25/16

One thing that can really benefit a low-budget indy horror flick is a great found location.  We saw that with PRISON OF THE PSYCHOTIC DAMNED, which took excellent advantage of New York's massive and extremely spooky old Buffalo Central Terminal, and more recently with the Italian zombie fest BURIAL GROUND. 

RAZORS (2016) gets the same kind of mileage out of a big dark old Victorian building (The Electrowerkz in London, England), without which, unfortunately, there would be little to recommend it.

An oddball screenwriting mentor, Professor Richard Wise (Thomas Thoroe), invites six young aspiring authors to the site in order to collaborate on the ultimate horror film script with the crumbling, labyrinthian building as their inspiration. 

One of them, Ruth (Kelby Keenan), has an added writer's aid--she claims to be in possession of a wooden case containing several razor-sharp knives that were the original killing instruments of none other than Jack the Ripper.

Naturally, they begin to experience strange, ghostly happenings and, in Ruth's case, weird dreams foretelling the murders of certain members of the party. Some of them encounter the ghost of a young girl from the Ripper's era who seems to be asking for their help. 

Others see Jack the Ripper himself, dressed in black slouch hat and cloak and in full kill-mode.  As the horror escalates, some of the group begin to suspect Professor Wise of being up to something sinister.

Along with its choice location, RAZORS benefits from good cinematography and a capable cast.  What ultimately does it in, however--besides a disjointed story that never really goes anywhere--is the editing. 

Seldom does a horror film contain such a jumble of montages, collages, and clumps of random images that look more like the editor having fun and making "art" than actually crafting a coherent narrative. 

And despite the film's inherent Gothic atmosphere, there's not much of a scare factor either.  The ghost girl, first seen only in brief glimpses, loses her creepiness when revealed up-close as a chatty costumed child actress in stagey makeup.

Frequent attempts at jump-scares seldom have the desired effect, nor do lots of screaming and occasional indulgences in gore.

Jack himself seems more of an ogrish working-class brute than the usual Victorian gentleman-gone-bad we're used to, and is even less effective when seen as a convulsive shirtless maniac covered in blood. 

I had high hopes for RAZORS due to the poster and stills, which gradually dissipated during the film's less-than-riveting running time.  It's apparently intended as the first in a projected horror franchise, but after the abrupt, lackluster ending, I wasn't exactly yearning for more. 

RAZORS -- Movie Review by Porfle

All The Flying Saucer Shots From "Plan 9 From Outer Space" (Ed Wood, 1959) (video)

"Plan 9 From Outer Space" (1959)

Written, Edited, Produced, and Directed by
Edward D. Wood, Jr.


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it.  Thanks for watching!

All The Flying Saucer Shots From "Plan 9 From Outer Space" (Ed Wood, 1959) (video)

Criswell's Nuttiest Moments From Ed Wood's "Orgy of the Dead" (1965) (video)

This bizarre 1965 horror/sexploitation film was written by Ed Wood.  

Famous faux psychic Criswell stars as the Emperor of the Night.

"Monsters to be pitied! Monsters to be despised!"


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it.  Thanks for watching!

Criswell's Nuttiest Moments From Ed Wood's "Orgy of the Dead" (1965) (video)

Bela Lugosi Meets Killer Octopus in "Bride of the Monster" (1955) (video)

In Ed Wood's classic horror thriller "Bride of the Monster"...

...Bela (with stuntman Eddie Parker) runs afoul of Bela's own killer octopus.

(spoilers)


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it.  Thanks for watching!

Bela Lugosi Meets Killer Octopus in "Bride of the Monster" (1955) (video)

CRISWELL ONSCREEN: All His Ed Wood Movie Intros & Outros (video)

Famed fake psychic Criswell played host for three of Ed Wood's most notorious movies...

...appearing at the beginning and end of each.

(In "Orgy of the Dead" he also played a part within the film itself.)

Criswell wrote his own copy which he read from cue cards...

...delivering it with a blustery aplomb befitting the occasion.


(For an in-depth look at Criswell's role in "Orgy of the Dead", click here)


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it.  Thanks for watching!

CRISWELL ONSCREEN: All His Ed Wood Movie Intros & Outros (video)

HALLOWEED -- Movie Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 10/11/16

 

People thought I was crazy when I gave STAN HELSING a positive review way back in aught nine, but I showed them...I showed them all. (maniacal laughter)

Now, some may consider me equally crazy all over again, but I just watched the new horror comedy HALLOWEED (2016) and, believe it or not, I didn't hate it. Okay, it isn't great, and it's neither genuinely hilarious nor particularly scary.  But the darn thing's just so good-naturedly innocuous that it sorta grows on you.  You know...like fungus.

One good thing about it is a fair number of big-name guest stars, the first being Tom Sizemore.  He's a hoot in his brief role as a serial killer known as "The Bridgeport Butcher" who's strapped into the electric chair screaming curses at his popcorn-munching, party-hat-wearing audience as they cheer his impending flash-fry.

 

Also on hand are his son Joey (Simon Rex, HOTEL CALIFORNIA, PLEDGE THIS!) and stepson Trent (Shannon Brown, FEAST, CRAVE) to whom the condemned killer exhorts "Finish it for me, Trent! Finish my work! Avenge my death!"

Trent, a serious but troubled type not really keen on becoming a serial killer, moves to another town to escape his past and is joined by Joey, the classic movie stoner who's such a total weedhead that he makes Jeff Spicoli look like Whit Bissell.

The boys end up in a town called Mooseheart, which has its own serial killer legend ("The Candy Corn Killer") upon whom the citizens depend for their dwindling tourist trade.  After moving in with an old-hippie pervert named Lloyd (Robert Craighead in a wildly robust performance), Trent gets a job as a suicide counsellor to be near his pretty new co-worker Madison (the winsome Michelle Mueller, "Family Values") while Joey finds gainful employment as a weed dealer for none other than Danny Trejo (BAD ASS) doing a decent comic turn as "Patch."

 

Trent, unfortunately, runs afoul of the crooked mayor's spoiled-rotten son Connor (Jayson Bernard, "Family Values"), Madison's ex-boyfriend, while he and Joey are also comically harrassed by a pair of local cops, one of whom (Deja Dee, "Halt and Catch Fire") is inordinately fond of cavity searches. 

What really sets events into motion, however, is when people start turning up dead again.  Is it the return of "The Candy Corn Killer"?  Or is Trent really carrying on his stepfather's work?

Most of that stuff that I just said--you know, the "plot" and stuff--can be pretty much disregarded since HALLOWEED isn't exactly a serious thriller.  Most of the situations are of a surreal "MAD Magazine" variety similar to all those SCARY MOVIE sequels that Simon Rex has been in, and the overall mood of the film also resembles that of previous horror spoofs such as STUDENT BODIES and SATURDAY THE 14TH.

One plus is the fact that the comedy dialogue is actually pretty snappy throughout, and everything's done with a loosey-goosey style that never once takes itself remotely seriously.  Even the potentially offensive material is pretty inoffensive since it's just so pleasantly goofy.

 

The story takes it's sweet time getting around to anything "Halloween" related, though, and it isn't until around the halfway mark that we see the killer, a tall, giggling psycho in footy pajamas and a baby mask, dispatch his first victim amidst geysers of blood.  The film alternates equally between horror spoof and stoner comedy after that.

Ray Wise (CHILLERAMA, THE AGGRESSION SCALE, "Twin Peaks") does his usual solid job as a mentally unbalanced judge running for mayor, while Jason Mewes (ZOMBIE HAMLET, SILENT BUT DEADLY) is on hand as Joey's even more spaced-out partner in weed.  (Andy Milonakis of MAC & DEVIN GO TO HIGH SCHOOL also shows up as their junior apprentice but I didn't hold that against the movie.)

While the rest of the cast are fine, Simon Rex as Joey is the main attraction for me.  He's an endearingly dense stoner whose childish, impulsive behavior supplies a steady stream of sight gags and throwaway one-liners without the cliched hippy-dippy space-case approach.

He sorta makes me think of what Eb from "Green Acres" might be like if he were perpetually wasted and even more brain-damaged.  I also like the fact that Joey is gay although he insists that he isn't, except he totally is.  All in all, he gives the film much of its watchability.

HALLOWEED is a pleasant enough diversion, hardly essential yet innocuous and amusing.  As I said, I liked it about as much as I liked STAN HELSING.  That should probably tell you all you need to know about it.

Official website

Our original coverage

HALLOWEED -- Movie Review by Porfle

All The Hideous Sun Demon Scenes From "The Hideous Sun Demon" (1958) (video)

Robert Clarke produced and directed 1958's "The Hideous Sun Demon"...

...and played the title role of a man horribly mutated by radiation.

The rays of the sun transform him into a vicious reptilian creature.

The film's crew consisted of University of Southern California film students...
...and was shot over 12 consecutive weekends for approx. $50,000.

Cast and crew were paid $25 per day.
Much of the cast consisted of Clarke's relatives and friends.

Practical locations rather than sets were used throughout the film.

The impressive monster suit was made for a cost of $500. 
It was built over a diver's wet suit.

Although the film's reviews have been consistently negative...

...it has, over the years, become a fondly-remembered cult favorite.


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it.  Thanks for watching!

All The Hideous Sun Demon Scenes From "The Hideous Sun Demon" (1958) (video)

VERY Visible Stagehand in "HORROR ISLAND" (Universal, 1941) (video)

This long take is really quite nice...

...even when one of the lighting guys appears in the shot.

It's so obvious, he's practically a part of the cast!

Originally posted on 1/28/18
Suggested by Friend of Daniel of the CHFB.  I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!

VERY Visible Stagehand in "HORROR ISLAND" (Universal, 1941) (video)

THE EYE 3 -- Movie Review by Porfle

(This review first appeared online at Bumscorner.com in 2008.)

First off, THE EYE 3, aka "Gin gwai 3" (2005) is directed by the Pang brothers, who also directed THE EYE and THE EYE 2. But the international English title for it is THE EYE 10. And according to IMDb, Tsui Hark is in the process of directing another movie called THE EYE 3. Also, this film is known in some European countries as THE EYE: INFINITY, which I guess clears things up, not.

Now we've gotten all that out of the way, I'll admit that I haven't seen THE EYE 1 or 2. But from reading their summaries I see that they are referred to during an early scene in which five young friends--one living there in Thailand, the other four visiting from Hong Kong--are staying up late telling ghost stories. When these stories fail to produce sufficient giddy scares, the Thai dude, Chongkwai (Ray MacDonald), whips out a book he found one night in a dark, mysterious bookstore. The book claims to contain ten surefire methods for calling forth ghosts. This, of course, gets the other youngsters all goose-pimply with excitement and they can't wait to try them out, which they will later learn to deeply regret.

These early scenes let us know that at least part of THE EYE 3 is pretty much a comedy laced with mildly scary elements. As I watched the five friends using the various tips from the book to conjure up ghosts and then writhing in rubber-faced terror, it reminded me, of all things, of Don Knotts' THE GHOST AND MR. CHICKEN. As in, more amusing than actually scary. The ghosts look pretty cool and there are some fairly good goose-shots here and there, but very little of this is truly creepy or disturbing. Much of it, in fact, might even be labeled "family friendly" Halloween-type fare.

Things start to get somewhat more serious when one of the rituals backfires and Gofei (Chris Gu) disappears. When days go by with no sign of him, cousins Ted (Chen Po Lin) and May (cutie-pie Kate Yeung) dejectedly return to Hong Kong while Gofei's inconsolable girlfriend April (Lok-si Leung) stays behind to continue the search. A series of frightening ghostly encounters in Hong Kong drives Ted and May back to Thailand to put the matter to rest once and for all, with the help of Chongkwai and his spirit guide mother. Meanwhile, April has turned up missing as well.

All of this is nicely directed and shot and the performances are good. Little of it is very scary, though. May has a run-in with a ghost in the hallway of her apartment building, and when Ted comes to her aid he gets possessed and ends up in a break-dancing contest with a couple of teenagers, which he wins by walking on the ceiling. We also get the old "between the knees ghost peek", which gives the Pang brothers a chance to offer us a great view of May's rear baggage compartment.

Later, when Ted and May enter the spirit dimension in search of Gofei and are surrounded by hostile ghosts, they discover that the best way of warding them off is by--get this--farting. I don't know about you, but watching some intrepid ghostbusters farting back a bunch of oncoming wraiths doesn't exactly send chills up my spine. So, even in the midst of what should be the most frightening place of all, we get more of a sense of amusement than fear or dread.

There's a bit of a surprise at the end, and it fades out on a serious note that's rather poetic and haunting (pun intended) and somewhat sad. If the whole movie had maintained this sort of feeling in addition to ramping up the scare factor, it might have been memorable. As it is, though, THE EYE 3 is much like those ghost stories the kids tell each other early on--good, giddy fun for awhile, but soon forgotten.

THE EYE 3 -- Movie Review by Porfle