SINFONIA EROTICA -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 3/23/18

 

Spanish director Jess Franco burned his way through cinema like a fuse, voracious and volatile, leaving the ashes of his endeavor in his wake for us to sift through.

Much of it is of mere passing note to me, interesting only to see what such a prolific filmmaker produces when free to work fast and furious and pour out his id on film with little or no restraint.
 
But with this outpouring comes the occasional work that demands my attention and admiration (VAMPYROS LESBOS, SHE KILLED IN ECSTASY, COUNT DRACULA), and one such example is his 1980 anti-romantic, anti-erotic sexual nightmare SINFONIA EROTICA (Severin Films), based upon the writings of the Marquis de Sade. 

Franco's real-life love and muse Lina Romay (THE HOT NIGHTS OF LINDA, PAULA-PAULA) plays Martine de Bressac, returning home after months of confinement to a sanitarium by her husband, the Marqués Armando de Bressac (Armando Borges).

During her absence Armando has acquired and become addicted to a seductive, effeminate male lover named Flor (Mel Rodrigo), both of whom taunt and torture poor Martine with their flagrant contempt for both her emotional needs and urgent sexual desires.

Norma (Susan Hemingway), a timid young escapee from a nunnery, is found lying unconscious on the grounds during one of Armando and Flor's nature romps, and is taken in to become a part of their cruel sexual games. 

She ends up falling in love with Flor, and the two of them plan to not only aid in Armando's plan to murder Martine but to then get rid of Armando himself, leaving them free to run away together. Martine's only allies during all this are a sympathetic maid and a psychiatrist who may or may not believe her story.

Needless to say, SINFONIA EROTICA belies its opulent Victorian romance novel setting--Franco shot it in Portugal using gorgeous mansion interiors and magnificent exterior locations--with fervid, disturbing images of mental and physical cruelty in the form of ugly, non-erotic sex. 

When Franco makes a sex movie instead of a horror movie, the sex seems to replace the horror, or rather it becomes another kind of horror, of a deeper and more Freudian kind.

Here, he gives us a perversely erotic thriller that hates sex even as it's preoccupied with exploring Lina Romay's offbeat beauty and ample breasts as well as showing various joyless lovers rutting like animals in scenes that waver between softcore and hardcore action.

Although involved in several projects at the time (including THE SADIST OF NOTRE DAME and TWO FEMALE SPIES WITH FLOWERED PANTIES), Franco seems neither rushed nor slapdash here, despite his usual shakily handheld camera. 

He lingers over his finely-rendered, sometimes impressionistic imagery as though following a deeply-pondered train of thought, and many of the shots are arranged with both a painter's sensibilities and a perceptive filmmaker's orchestration of character and movement.

Romay is at her best as Martine, looking strangely enticing at all times while also surrendering to the role with an intensity that evokes excitement and sympathy for her character. 

As Armando, Borges plays the heartless cad to a tee, relishing his own sadistic impulses which will eventually include coldblooded murder, which Franco depicts in non-graphic yet chilling style.

But the lack of graphic violence is made up for by the horrific depiction of sex and sexual desire as a Freudian nightmare that leads to madness when infused with malevolence and perversion.

Severin's Blu-ray disc (also available in DVD) is a 4k restoration of an uncut 35mm print which is the only known copy of this cut to exist.  There are some rough spots here and there, but, as I've often said, I prefer for a wizened exploitation print such as this to look like it's been around the block a few times. Otherwise, picture quality is fine. The soundtrack is in Spanish with English captions.

The visually rich fever dream that is SINFONIA EROTICA draws us into Martine's dark, corrupting psycho-sexual ordeal and has its way with us until somebody dies.
 

Special Features:
Jess Franco On First Wife Nicole Guettard – Interview With Director Jess Franco
Stephen Thrower On Sinfonia Erotica – Interview With The Author Of ‘Murderous Passions – The Delirious Cinema Of Jesus Franco’

SINFONIA EROTICA -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

BLUE VALENTINE -- DVD Review by Porfle

Love is a battlefield, the poet once said.  And as in most wars, the opponents often don't even know what they're fighting for.  Such is the case in director/co-writer Derek Cianfrance's BLUE VALENTINE (2010), the story of a relationship that goes from love to indifference and finally to outright hostility.  The film, unfortunately, bypasses entertainment altogether and goes straight to outright boredom.

We join the sad dissolution of the marriage between Dean (Ryan Gosling) and Cindy (Michelle Williams) already in progress.  Dean's an unambitious housepainter who's content to be a husband and a father to their cute little daughter Frankie (Faith Wladyka), but Cindy, a nurse who once had dreams of becoming a doctor, grows more distant and disillusioned every day.  Mostly she seems to have simply grown tired of Dean, moping as he romps playfully with Frankie and rejecting his romantic advances as though he were the poster boy for bad breath.

Even when Dean books the "Future Room" in a sleazy sex motel so they can have a passionate night together, Cindy's about as sexually yielding as an anchor chain on an aircraft carrier.  Her increasingly hostile attitude drives Dean to drink, which makes her even more hostile toward him.  This vicious cycle is reflected in their maddeningly circuitous dialogue ("You should try thinking about what you say, instead of just saying what you think," she chides for no particular reason), much of which was improvised by the actors.  While this sometimes makes characters' speech sound more natural, here it simply leads to a lot of shaggy-dog dialogue that's as frustratingly pointless for us as it is for Dean and Cindy.

 

As a counterpoint to their crumbling marriage, we're shown flashbacks of how they met and fell in love ten years earlier.  While helping an old man move into a nursing home, Dean spots Cindy in her elderly Gramma's room and is instantly smitten.  After they meet-cute, he cute-stalks her until she finally gives in, mainly because the jock-jerk she's been having sweaty sex with has knocked her up and dumped her.  But their love is made sweetly manifest during a saccharine sidewalk scene in which he sings and plays the ukelele like Tiny Tim while she tapdances (also improvised for our pleasure).

Along the way we get to hear Dean and his moving company coworker Marshall (Marshall Johnson) having the kind of contemplative, sensitive guy-talk that guys in real life have, like, never, while Cindy's old and wise Gramma offers her the usual quotable soundbites about life and love.  What finally drives Cindy to marry Dean is an unpleasant abortion scene, which itself is aborted by a reluctant Cindy who then reluctantly consents to tie the knot.  Since we already know how ill-fated this marriage is, the whole thing's a downer anyway.

Shot in an informal semi-doc style, BLUE VALENTINE just sort of mopes along from one depressing situation to the next, alternating between Dean and Cindy's sappy love story and the advanced stages of their bitter breakup.  Cindy's iceberg attitude toward Dean is never adequately explained beyond the fact of her free-floating discontent (and vague "grass-is-greener" memories of the dickweed she was banging before she met Dean), with her extreme coldness during their unsuccessful attempt at lovemaking in the "Future Room" coming off as particularly unpleasant.

Dean, on the other hand, is a doormat whose love for Cindy is like a debilitating infection spreading from his heart to his brain.  The scene in which he drunkenly bursts into the clinic where Cindy works and wrecks the place has some dramatic oomph, but after that comes a weepy denouement which doesn't really go anywhere and leaves us with little understanding of these characters or why we've just suffered through all of this unresolved conflict with them. 

 

The DVD from Anchor Bay is in 1.66:1 anamorphic widescreen with Dolby Digital 5.1 sound and subtitles in English and Spanish.  Extras include a commentary with the director and his co-editor Jim Helton, the featurette "The Making of Blue Valentine", a "home movie" by Gosling, Williams, and their onscreen daughter Faith Wladyka, and some deleted scenes consisting of several minutes of further improv by Gosling and Williams.

BLUE VALENTINE is the kind of relationship flick that separates people into two distinct camps.   Either you're one of those hardy viewers whose temperament allows them to settle in and enjoy this sort of meandering mopefest, or the morose antics of Cindy and Dean will have you grabbing for the remote as your eyes glaze over and clicking away for dear life.


Originally posted on 5/4/11

 

BLUE VALENTINE -- DVD Review by Porfle

IF EVER I SEE YOU AGAIN -- Movie Review by Porfle

(Written for Bumscorner.com in 2005, this review was reposted here in 2011 in light of later events involving the film's writer-producer-director-star Joe Brooks.)


Joe Brooks has written some of the most successful and well-known commercial jingles of all time, including "You've got a lot to live, and Pepsi's got a lot to give" and many more that have probably been forever lodged in your memory over the years. At one point back in the 70s, he decided to try his hand as a songwriter-slash-Hollywood film auteur as well, resulting in the wildly successful YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE (both the song and the movie were huge hits).

Joe wrote, scored, produced, and directed the film, and actually won an Oscar and a Golden Globe for Best Original Song. With this remarkable debut under his belt, Joe set his sights even higher -- for his next trick, he would not only perform all the duties he had on his first film, but would star in it as well. And that, bad movie fans, is how IF EVER I SEE YOU AGAIN (1978) came to be.

This movie has to be seen to be believed. It fails miserably on every level. Fortunately, since Joe Brooks handled the production, direction, writing, music, and lead acting role himself, there are fewer people to blame for it.



As a romantic lead, he has about as much appeal as a potted plant. His leading lady, Shelley Hack, acts as though she were posing for the picture on front of a box of All Bran. The supporting players include, for some reason, authors Jimmy Breslin and George Plimpton, about whose acting the best thing that can be said is that they are good authors. It's pretty bad when the most professional acting performance in a movie is delivered by a little girl (Danielle Brisebois).

Joe plays a jingle writer named "Bob Morrison" who dreams of being a serious musician, even though all of his "serious" songs still sound like extended commercial jingles, and the classical piece he composes to show off his true talent later in the film would be better suited for a group of musical saw players than an actual orchestra. Watching his dramatic gestures as he conducts this ear-splitting opus in the recording studio, as the dazzled Shelley Hack grins at him like a stuffed loon, is one of the most unintentionally hilarious scenes ever filmed.

If this movie is indeed as autobiographical as we suspect it is, then this scene must be the realization of one of Joe Brooks' fondest fantasies -- having the girl of his dreams gaze at him with naked, worshipful awe as he lurches about among the musicians, grandly flailing his arms as if to literally mold the wafting notes into an aural work of art. Unfortunately, this piece of music is so badly arranged that it could make even the London Symphony Orchestra sound like a high school band at a pep rally.

And then, of course, there's the romance. When "Bob Morrison" makes the trip from New York to L.A. to pursue his musical ambitions, he also decides to look up his old college girlfriend (Shelley Hack's "Jennifer Corly") for whom he still carries a torch. When they are reunited, their scenes together generate all the excitement of sitting in a dentist's waiting room with nothing to read but a year-old copy of "Field And Stream." Shelley Hack, who proved later on to be a pretty good actress in certain roles, seems here to be hovering in and out of a coma. But it would be difficult even for a great actress to pretend that she was falling back in love with Joe Brooks' incredibly bland character, especially with the brain-numbing dialogue she must recite.



Music-wise, Joe was obviously hoping for another big chart-topper like "You Light Up My Life", but its inexplicable success was not to be matched by the cringe-inducing dirge that is this film's theme song. I don't know who performed it, but he doesn't sing it as much as he suffers through it. He seems to be battling his way through a particularly intense bout of constipation as he strains to expel the stomach-churning lyrics, though I doubt if even Debby Boone could've made this song any more tolerable.

The same singer also gets to croak the other big tune in the movie, "California", which is Joe's musical tribute to the state of the same name, but after hearing it you might get the impression that California is the most horrible place on Earth. A more upbeat version performed by a group of singers accompanies a scene of Joe traveling by plane, and sure enough, it looks and sounds just like an airline commercial. We see the plane banking off over the sunlit clouds as the song informs us: "Caaa-lifornia! Wherever you may roam! Californiaaa...is caaaa-lling you hoooome!" You almost expect to see the TWA logo pop onto the screen.

When I saw this movie on HBO several years ago, I just had to have it. I still watch my old tape every so often just to gape in wide-eyed amazement at how truly awful a movie can be. As a bad-movie lover, I hold this perversely-entertaining cinematic messterpiece in high esteem -- it's the PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE of romantic movies. Still, you gotta hand it to Joe Brooks -- he decided he wanted to make movies in the worst way, and he sure enough went out and done it.

IF EVER I SEE YOU AGAIN -- Movie Review by Porfle

SINGIN' IN THE RAIN -- Movie Review by Porfle

 

 

 

 

Originally posted on 12/11/15

 

Some musicals are great comedies, others great love stories.  Some are known for their music and songs, some for the wonderful dancing.  But when a musical excels at all four of these--as does SINGIN' IN THE RAIN (1952)--then you're looking at a prime candidate for the best and most popular musical of all time.

SINGIN' IN THE RAIN comes about as close to creating a colorful explosion of pure, undiluted joy as a movie can get.  Basically a "jukebox" musical--that is, a collection of already-existing song favorites written (mostly) by producer Arthur Freed and Nacio Herb Brown which have nothing to do with each other besides being fortuitously inserted into the same story--it's a labor of love in which co-directors Stanley Donen and Gene Kelly teamed up to make sure the music and dance numbers were intertwined seamlessly with the narrative and staged in the most artistic and gloriously cinematic style possible.

The handsome, charismatic Kelly, who shows off his robustly masculine, athletic style in a succession of wild yet precise song-and-dance workouts, plays silent film idol Don Lockwood.  We see him starting out in vaudeville along with his lifelong buddy Cosmo (Donald O'Connor) before becoming a lowly Hollywood stuntman and finally graduating to stardom along with ditzy blonde Lina Lamont, who believes the publicity about their torrid romance even though he can't stand her.  Don, meanwhile, has become smitten with a cute aspiring actress named Kathy Selden (Debbie Reynolds), who intially feigns aloofness even though she's secretly a big fan of his.

Wildly comical self-parody abounds as this big Hollywood production pokes fun at big Hollywood productions such as Don and Lina's corny silent epics.  An early highlight is a typical gala premiere where the faux couple display their artificial "lofty artist" personas for an adoring crowd.  But with the release of the surprise smash sensation THE JAZZ SINGER, silents are out and "talkies" are suddenly all the rage, throwing the studios and their stars into a chaotic scramble to give the public what they want. 

Several real-life silent stars such as Garbo's leading man John Gilbert found their careers on the rocks when their voices proved inadequate for sound.  Such is Lina's problem when it turns out her grating accent and horrendous diction threaten to make her a laughing stock on the screen.  Oscar-nominated Jean Hagen (PANIC IN YEAR ZERO) is hilarious in the role, as in frazzled director Roscoe Dexter's (Douglas Fowley) vain attempts to master the new art of sound recording during a florid love scene in which Lina doggedly refuses to speak into the hidden microphone.  

The solution?  Hire Kathy Selden to dub both Lina's speaking and singing voices and then turn Don and Lina's latest silent picture into a musical, "The Dancing Cavalier." But while this arrangement is meant to be only temporary, Lina demands that Kathy henceforth secretly do all of her dubbing, and nothing else, thus derailing Kathy's own promising career.

 

While all this is going on--which we know will eventually work itself out in wonderful and amusing ways--Kelly, O'Connor, and Reynolds are working overtime to give us the best show that the film medium has to offer.  The results, under the direction of stern, uncompromising choreographer/taskmaster Kelly, are nothing less than incredible. 

SINGIN' IN THE RAIN bursts forth with song at the slightest provocation, yet it never seems less than spontaneous or perfectly fitting for the occasion.  Don and Cosmo's breathless vaudeville montage "Fit as a Fiddle (And Ready for Love)" is just a warm-up for their screamingly funny precision dance duet "Moses Supposes" as well as O'Connor's absolutely astounding solo sensation "Make 'Em Laugh", a whirlwind of frenetic energy which he ends by literally running up the walls.  It's one of the most astonishing physical performances in any musical, ever.

Debbie gets into the act with the delightfully breezy "Good Morning", which shows how impressive a dedicated song-and-dance novice can be with Gene Kelly as her tutor.  While the number was obviously an ordeal to get just right, these three make it seem effortless.  With "You Were Meant For Me", Kelly emphasizes the artifice of filmmaking by having Don stage an impromptu love song for Kathy in an empty studio soundstage complete with wind machine and painted backdrop.  It's an elegant moment amidst the frivolity.



Still moreso is Kelly's dazzling movie-within-a-movie, "Broadway Melody Ballet", a lengthy interlude in which he plays an ambitious young hoofer arriving in town looking for stardom, only to be seduced and then discarded by a gorgeous goodtime gal played to perfection by she of the long legs and slinky shape, Cyd Charisse.  Their dance incorporates several styles from jazz to ballet, all of it mesmerizing. 

But most memorable of all is Gene Kelly's immortal "Singin' in the Rain" sequence, in which the lovestruck Don expresses his boundless feelings for Kathy by singing and dancing gleefully down a dark city street in the middle of a downpour.  It's one of cinema's most endearing expressions of pure, uninhibited optimism, made all the more impressive by the knowledge that Kelly performed it that day with a raging fever of 103 degrees.  

One of the best things about SINGIN' IN THE RAIN is that the story of Hollywood's painful transition from silents to talkies is fun and entertaining on its own, while serving as an ideal vehicle for the seemingly unrelated songs--most already decades old, including the 1929 title tune--which are somehow perfectly incorporated into it.  It's a giddy, affectionate, super-charged celebration of song, dance, movies, romance, and sheer joy. 

SINGIN' IN THE RAIN -- Movie Review by Porfle

Maureen O'Hara's Unquiet Whisper in John Ford's "THE QUIET MAN" (Republic, 1952) (video)

"The Quiet Man" was a dream project for director John Ford, and a fond tribute to his Irish heritage.

John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara were ideal as the tempestuous romantic couple, Sean and Mary Kate.

The chemistry between Duke and Maureen was off the charts.

Their characters marry, but marital bliss doesn't come until film's end.

John Ford had an idea--he wanted Maureen to whisper something shockingly suggestive to Duke.

Ford wanted a real reaction from him...and got it.

Maureen insisted that what she said never be revealed.  And it wasn't.

The only three people who knew are all gone.  And now...we can but imagine.

What could she possibly have said to elicit such a doubletake from Duke?


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material. Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!

Maureen O'Hara's Unquiet Whisper in John Ford's "THE QUIET MAN" (Republic, 1952) (video)

VALENTINE MAGIC ON LOVE ISLAND (1980) -- Movie Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 7/19/15

 

A billion years from now, when they're talking about the worst of the worst made-for-TV movies of all time, VALENTINE MAGIC ON LOVE ISLAND (aka "Magic on Love Island") will still hold its own on the lips and in the hearts of junk film junkies of the far-flung future. 

If they still have lips and hearts, that is.  And even if they don't, this brain-warp of a movie will make them feel as though their lips are shriveling in disgust as their hearts break from sheer id-curdling incredulity.

A bizarre hybrid of "The Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island", from a time faraway back when people still flocked to watch those multi-segment, faded-star-packed chunks of 70s-schlock entertainment, this 1980 crapfest belatedly distills the worst of both and throws in the worst of just about everything else it can get its hands on for good measure. 

The show's incredibly cloying theme song, nauseatingly crooned by a guy with a fake Jamaican accent, lets us know what we're in for:

Floating like a flower in de sea
Waiting to be found by you and me
Feeding all your needed fantasy
Love Island, Love Island
Your island of love

Not on any map or any chart
Only to be found inside your heart
There to give de love in you a start
Love Island, Love Island
Your island of love

The papaya, tasty pomegran'te
Helps you do de t'ings
The t'ings you t'ink you can't [!]
T'rough de voodoo of de island chant
Love Island, Love Island
Your island of love

In de sun your body wants to play
Urging you to let it have its way
T'row your inhibitions in de quay
Love Island, Love Island
Your island of love

Janis Paige, a facelift or two past her prime, stars as a mysteriously magical matchmaker named Madge who brings unlikely couples together at her tropical island paradise resort.  She's supposed to have supernatural powers, but instead of using them for evil--intentionally, anyway--she's like a gushing, overripe Cupid making love connections between grievously mismatched souls with the help of her two bubbly teenage charges, Dominique Dunne (POLTERGEIST) and Christopher "Peter Brady" Knight. 

When things aren't going as love-positive as she'd like, Madge resorts to everything from Tarot cards and crystal balls (so to speak) to whipping up chocolate-dipped roses and other confections that put the love whammy on anyone who eats them.  This is how, heaven help us, she gets Howard Duff romantically interested in Dody Goodman, if you can entertain that thought for more than a few seconds without blacking out. 

The awkwardly-staged intro segments for each main character show us who needs a quick love pair-up on Love Island, and why.  Mary Louise Weller (ANIMAL HOUSE's "Mandy Pepperidge") is shown modeling sexy lingerie for pushy photog Stuart Pankin at his smarmiest before rebelling against the horrible grind and insisting upon an island vacation.  As she goes into freeze-frame, Fake Jamaican-Accent Dude returns to hip us to her plight:

Lady wit' de curvy frame
Sometimes she play nervy game
She needs mon, her ways to tame
Who will be de one?

The "mon" in question, horribly enough, just might be none other than Bill Daily of "I Dream of Jeannie" and "The Bob Newhart Show" fame, here playing a clumsy assistant pastor with Coke-bottle glasses who's a big movie buff.  This guy is such a loss that the head church-guy himself suggests he go away--that is, "get" away--to Love Island as quickly as possible.  Bill's inevitable dating-profile-in-song goes like this:

Man who shy, he miss a lot
Don't use half of what he got
Who'll untie his tied-up knot
Who will be de one?
[The last line, in this case, is spoken dramatically for extra romantic emphasis.]

The horror continues with Bob Seagren as an injured pro quarterback who's one sack away from permanent disability ("Mistah wit de muscles so, he has also big ego..."), a cute pre-nose-job Lisa Hartman as a cornfed checkout clerk named "Crystal Kramer" smothered by her clinging mom (Dody again), and Adrienne Barbeau, God love her, as the fed-up mistress of an overbearing business executive (Duff) who flees to you-know-where.  Her lovelorn lame-erick:

Love may not be on her mind
But she seek and she will find
In de plan dat life design
Who will be de one?

Duff hires a private detective to tail Adrienne, and he turns out to be Rick Hurst, who also falls for her, and...I know what you're thinking.  "Adrienne Barbeau and Rick Hurst?  No. Please, please, just...no."  Well, I hate to say it, folks, but yes.  Just yes.  He will be "de one."  (Or...will he?  Hee hee.)  Rick gets his own verse but I couldn't make out the lyrics because they're warbled bad-Supremes style to catch us off-guard. 

When we finally make it to Love Island, a ghostly Madge wanders around creeping out the new arrivals with her frozen grin as they get off the boat and start intermingling with all the grace of short-circuiting bumper cars.  This is where the true horror (there's that word again) begins, with each potential love-match seemingly more incongruous and repellent than the last and Madge presiding over it all like a sickly-sweet spectre of schmaltz.

Mary Louise Weller starts the ball rolling by strutting around in a revealing swimsuit and getting upset that people are ogling her body instead of her mind, but ends up making out with horndogger Bob Seagren all over the place while Chris Knight lusts after her from afar.  Yikes.  Weller is apparently allowed to ad-lib some of her dialogue in these scenes.  Not a good idea.

Additional laughs are generated by Bill Daily taking off his glasses to appear more attractive to the opposite sex and mistaking Lisa Hartman for Dody Goodman's 50-year-old sister.  Lisa's upset at first, but after dumping her salad in Bill's lap he sorta starts to turn her on, which is just gross.

Things get weirder when Bill and Bob end up stranded on the other side of the island by themselves, one immobilized by old injuries and the other blind as a bat without his glasses.  Madge, who planned the whole thing to force the two men to work out their differences (and "grow") materializes from out of nowhere like Glinda the Good Witch and heals Bob's knee with a laying on of the hands.  Ohhh-kay... 

Much of the "humor" in this part of the movie comes from Dody trying to fix daughter Lisa up with anything in pants, which, unfortunately, includes Rick Hurst.  This leads to Rick dressing in drag at one point in order to avoid Dody.  Watching this scene is like seeing the entire concept of comedy suddenly take a huge dump. Later, Rick actually hits on Adrienne while he's in full "mom" makeup and muu-muu, and she accepts.  Concept of reality now fully and horribly subverted, thank you very much.

Things hit rock bottom when Rick takes a comedy-relief break to bare his soul to Adrienne with one of those desperate "tears of a clown" speeches that's puppy-dog pathetic.  ("You see, I was always the class clown...the bumbler, the fumbler...girls laughed at me...")  More sensitive viewers may not survive this scene. If you do, you might actually make it to the end of the movie alive.

TV veteran Earl Bellamy, who actually did direct episodes of "Fantasy Island" and "The Love Boat" among many, many other things, does his best with what he has to work with here, which isn't much.  Meanwhile, the photography often renders even the genuine tropical locations murky and mundane. 

Performance-wise, Bob Seagren does his best to murder the art of "acting" but in this crime he has several accomplices.  Even the better actors in the bunch are stymied by ditzy dialogue in a story whose multiple plotlines compete to be the stupidest.  It's telling that the person who seems to fit most comfortably into this frothy concoction of crud is Dody Goodman, playing the dumbest character in the whole movie. 

Everything climaxes (I wish) with the big Valentine Costume Ball, where the couples are coupled once and for all.  Naturally, Dody shows up in a ridiculous chicken suit that she made herself.  Rick Hurst, as a wand'ring minstrel or whatever, continues to push the boundaries of unfunny right up till the bitter end. 

Naughty Dominique eats one of Madge's special love confections and gets high as a kite, leading me to believe that there's a tad more LSD than "magic" in Madge's recipe.  And just in case everybody's "fun quotient" has yet to be adequately met, Howard Duff shows up.  It's truly a magical evening!  (Ehh...)

As hard as I've tried to describe it, this movie simply defies description.  Although I will say that it's smarmy, cloying, cutesy, banal, schmaltzy, senseless, silly,  dunderheaded, inane, inept, indigestible, and incredibly stupid. The script, the acting, the casting, all technical aspects of the production--everything about it is stunningly, stupefyingly awful.  

Without a doubt, VALENTINE MAGIC ON LOVE ISLAND is one of the all-time most horrendously horrible things ever concocted for public viewing. An absolute cringe-inducing joy to watch.  Fascinatingly bad.  I love, adore, and cherish this movie.  I've seen it at least twenty times.

Watch the full movie on Youtube

Watch the original promo on Youtube

"Love Island" Theme
Music by Peter Matz/Lyrics by Norman Gimbel

VALENTINE MAGIC ON LOVE ISLAND (1980) -- Movie Review by Porfle

FRITZ LANG'S INDIAN EPIC (THE TIGER OF ESCHNAPUR and THE INDIAN TOMB) -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 11/26/2019
 

Sometimes legendary director Fritz Lang wanted his magnificent visuals to convey an important message (METROPOLIS, THE TESTAMENT OF DR. MABUSE, M) and sometimes he just wanted to offer audiences grand escapist entertainment.

The latter goal Lang achieved in spectacular style with the films THE TIGER OF ESCHANAPUR and THE INDIAN TOMB, known collectively as FRITZ LANG'S INDIAN EPIC (Film Movement Classics, 1959).

A forerunner of more recent two-film narratives such as KILL BILL and IT, this double feature tells the sprawling story of a catastrophic love triangle that develops when German engineer Harald Berger (Paul Hubschmid) is summoned to India by Prince Chandra (Walter Reyer) to oversee the construction of several buildings as well as shoring up some of the crumbling infrastructure of the palace itself.

As fate would have it, a beautiful temple dancer named Seetha (Debra Paget, THE TEN COMMANDMENTS) with whom the prince has fallen madly in love is being transported to the palace in the same caravan as Berger, and when the European valiantly saves her life from an attacking tiger during the trip, she becomes hopelessly smitten with him.  This soon develops into an all-consuming passion that will invoke the jealous prince's white-hot, vengeful wrath.

Amidst a backdrop of splendiferous Indian locations and incredibly opulent sets, photographed in sumptuous color with rich production values, this steamy melodrama is soap opera of the highest order mixed with scintillating political intrigue (the prince's brother and former brother-in-law are plotting against him) and irresistible "boys' adventure"-style action involving swordfights, man-eating tigers, mysterious underground passages, and other fun stuff.

While some have compared these films to RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, viewers expecting non-stop thrills will be disappointed. Instead, we're allowed to settle in  for a stately paced parade of visual treats (I haven't seen such regal eye-candy since the "Sissi" films with Romy Schneider) charged with constant tension and suspense and punctuated here and there with action sequences that have a Rudyard Kipling flavor.

The tension increases as Prince Chandra's suspicions toward his intended bride Seetha and the European stranger are eventually made evident, bringing out the arrogant, petulant worst in him.  When Berger finds it necessary to escape Chandra's wrath, he finds himself lost in the catacombs beneath the palace where he encounters a colony of lepers banished to the underground.

We're also introduced to Chandra's compound of deadly caged tigers into which, at one point, Berger is tossed with nothing but a spear with which to defend himself. Here, Lang's attention to gilt-edged realism falters a bit when a lunging tiger is noticeably fake (as is a monster-sized cobra in the second film) but I found such shortcomings easily forgivable in view of the scene's entertainment value.

Performances are earnest, with Debra Paget a standout not only for her talent but also thanks to her incredible beauty and sex appeal. Her temple dance in this film is a highlight of sheer sensuality (to be surpassed in the sequel) while her acting adds depth to a very sympathetic character.  Reyer, on the other hand, ably conveys the prince's incredible arrogance, selfishness, and cruelty. (A young Luciana Paluzzi appears all-too-briefly as Seetha's loyal servant.)

Finally, the two forbidden lovers make a desperate escape attempt, with the prince's soldiers doggedly pursuing them from the steamy jungles to the parched, wind-seared desert.  It's there that the dashing European engineer and the beautiful Indian temple dancer meet their apparent doom as part one of Lang's Indian epic, THE TIGER OF ESCHANAPUR, ends in classic cliffhanger style.

The second installment in Fritz Lang's sprawling two-part saga of Indian intrigue and forbidden romance, THE INDIAN TOMB, picks up right where its predecessor THE TIGER OF ESCHANAPUR left off. This time German engineer Harald Berger's sister Irene (Sabine Bethmann) and her husband Walter (Claus Holm), who is also Harald's associate, have come searching for him.

They're told that Harald went missing during a tiger hunt, but become increasingly suspicious of the prince and his motives. This is especially true when Chandra orders Walter to design a tomb for his wife Seetha, in which she is to be imprisoned on their wedding day. When Walter balks at creating what is in essence an execution chamber, Chandra threatens him and his wife.

Political tensions grow to a boiling point as Chandra's brother Prince Ramigani (René Deltgen), passed over for the throne and eager to amend that oversight, plots against him with the help of the prince's former brother-in-law who also despises him. Even the temple priests grow angry toward Chandra when he persists in his desire to marry Seetha (and then execute her) after she is discovered still alive in the desert.

This second film's highlight comes when Seetha performs a cobra dance in the temple which is meant to decide whether the gods wish her to live or die.  In a costume that's the very definition of "less is more" (it makes a string bikini look like a parka) the incredibly gorgeous and physically fit Debra Paget's dance number is, to put it mildly, memorable, despite the very fake-looking cobra which menaces her character throughout.

Suspense builds as Berger's sister and her husband bravely plot to locate where he's being held prisoner beneath the palace and free him.  The story, which has been rather sedately paced up till now, really picks up steam with Irene's encounter with the frenzied band of lepers and Berger's desperate escape from bondage just as he's about to be executed in his cell.

There's swordplay and other violent clashes when Ramigani's armed rebellion against Chandra kicks into gear, and Lang finally shows us why we keep seeing all that dynamite stored in the passages underneath the palace, leading to a flood populated by hungry alligators.

The 2-disc Blu-ray from Film Movement Classics is an exquisite 4K digital restoration of both classic films with an aspect ratio of 1.37:1 and mono sound. Each film features a verbose commentary by film historian David Kalat. Bonuses also include the making-of documentary "The Indian Epic" and the video essay "Debra Paget, For Example" by Mark Rappaport, as well as trailers and an enclosed illustrated booklet with an in-depth essay by film scholar Tom Gunning.

One thing's for sure, when this story finally comes to a head, it pays off in all sorts of fun ways.  Viewers who stick it out through both installments of FRITZ LANG'S INDIAN EPIC not only get to enjoy some of the screen's most dazzling opulence and eye-pleasing production values, but also a romantic, exotic action-adventure ending on a satisfying note that makes it all wonderfully worthwhile.


Buy it at Film Movement.com


THE TIGER OF ESCHNAPUR
NEW 4K DIGITAL RESTORATION
Film Movement Classics
1959
101 Minutes
Country: Germany, France, Italy
Language: German w/ English subtitles
Classics, Romance, Thriller
Not Rated
Blu-ray
Aspect Ratio: 1.37:1   
Sound: Mono   

THE INDIAN TOMB
NEW 4K DIGITAL RESTORATION
Film Movement Classics
1959
102 Minutes
Country: Germany, France, Italy
Language: German w/ English subtitles
Romance, Thriller, Classics
Not Rated
Blu-ray
Aspect Ratio: 1.37:1   
Sound: Mono

Here's the poster of the American theatrical release in which the two films were edited into one:

 

FRITZ LANG'S INDIAN EPIC (THE TIGER OF ESCHNAPUR and THE INDIAN TOMB) -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 10/28/13

 

Like so many soldiers throughout the ages, returning World War II veterans were faced with a special dilemma--they were back in the homefront they'd yearned for, yet surrounded by people who had no idea what they'd just been through and what they were going through now. 

The problems these men had fitting back into peacetime society--including becoming members of their own families again--are skillfully and sympathetically explored in director William Wyler's Oscar-winning masterwork THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES (1946), now available on Blu-ray from Warner Home Video.

Three ex-servicemen--Army sergeant Al Stephenson (Frederic March,  DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE), Air Force captain Fred Derry (Dana Andrews, CURSE OF THE DEMON),  and Navy swabbie Homer Parrish (Harold Russell)--hitch a long ride on a military transport to their hometown and become bosom buddies along the way. 

We begin to feel their tension at seeing family and friends again as they liken it to "storming the beaches", with Homer especially dreading the impending reunion due to the loss of his hands during his ship's sinking.  He fears not only how his folks will react but mostly whether or not his prospective bride, girl-next-door Wilma (Cathy O'Donnell, BEN HUR), will now reject him.

Fred has a different problem--his blond bombshell wife, Marie (a drop-dead gorgeous Virginia Mayo), to whom he had been married a mere twenty days before going overseas, is a party animal whose recent job in a nightclub has made her accustomed to a fast lifestyle which her unemployed husband can't provide. 

The young Andrews is ideally cast as a once-proud soldier who now must return to his old job as a drugstore soda jerk, biting his lip as a former underling orders him around while an uncaring boss, as did many at the time, regards him and other returning vets as a nuisance to society.  With Marie constantly berating him for not being successful or ambitious enough, and openly flaunting her intentions to "step out" on him, we can hardly blame Fred when he falls for Marie's exact opposite, the lovely and understanding Peggy (a vibrant Teresa Wright).

Trouble is,  Peggy is Al's daughter, and he's having his own problems without having to worry about her hooking up with a married man.  Unlike his two pals, former banker Al returns to a luxurious apartment but feels just as out-of-place among his wife and two kids.  Their reunion is tense and uncomfortable--empathetic viewers, in fact, may feel this way for much of the film--with Al first glimpsing his wife Milly (Myrna Loy) across the expanse of a long hallway that symbolizes the gulf still lying between them.  (He'll later describe the feeling of crossing that hallway as "like going overseas again.")

In  the film's opening scenes, it's heartrending to see the near-desperation with which the three main characters cling to each other's sympathetic company rather than face the prospect of returning to the families who now seem almost like strangers to them.  Later,  we fear that they'll never reassimilate back into normal life. 

This is especially true when restless Al urges Milly and Peggy to join him for a night out on the town.  March, seemingly slipping  into his celebrated Mr. Hyde persona at times,  portrays Al as a manic, nearly out-of-control drunk on his first night back--it's almost as though he's decompressing, or trying to put on the brakes like a speeding jet landing on a runway.  

It makes us glad that Milly is such a strong, sensible, supportive wife, with a rock-solid Myrna Loy (THE THIN MAN) lending her the stature of a woman any man would fight to come back home to and be glad to have on his side.  With her help, Al will eventually "mature" into a self-assured, no-nonsense personality whose unshakable principles threaten to get him into hot water back at the bank when he starts granting loans to other veterans with little or no collateral.  His drinking is another concern, as is the growing rift between him and Fred over daughter Peggy.

Even though we know Fred's marriage to Marie hasn't much of a future, his impulsiveness worries us when he steals a kiss from Peggy after an innocent lunch date.  Her growing attraction to him draws her into a terrible quandary which puts her at odds with her parents, and the scene of their most emotional confrontation is powerfully done. 

Meanwhile,  Fred's feelings of worthlessness are dramatically illustrated when he visits a "graveyard" for derelict bomber planes that are to be junked.  Sitting in the nose of a rusty, engineless plane and reliving his experiences as a bombadier, he realizes that he, too, is a wartime relic to be either recycled or tossed on the junk heap.  Director Wyler renders the sequence with exquisite skill, while Andrews gives it his all and musical composer Hugo Friedhofer pulls out all the stops--it's a gripping scene. 

Still, this is nothing compared to the emotional rollercoaster in store for the viewer regarding the unfortunate sailor, Homer.  Portrayed by real-life amputee Harold Russell, himself a former serviceman who won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his debut role, Homer endures excruciating emotional torment which we can't help but share as he feels isolated amidst his own family and impotent as a man. 

During a scene in which he silently allows his father to remove his "arms" and dress him in his pajamas--in what was certainly a reflection of his own real-life experiences-- Russell's face and demeanor tell us everything we need to know about the thoughts and emotions roiling inside him.  When he angrily thrusts his hooks through a windowpane in response to the curious looks of his little sister and her friends, it's a shocking and disturbing moment in cinema. 

Russell gives an earnest, painfully uninhibited performance that lends added dimension to what is already a devastatingly effective and multi-faceted story.  Andrews has probably never been better, nor has Teresa Wright, with their final scene together delivering a substantial payoff for the film as a whole.

March and Loy, the two old pros, come through like gangbusters as a couple whose problems only seem to make them stronger as long if they face them together.  And in a role that displayed her dramatic talent at a time when she was known mostly for comedy, Virginia Mayo proves that she's not only a knockout but can deliver a raucous, punchy performance (her "mirror" scene with Wright dazzles, as do her frenetic exchanges with Andrews.)  Also in the cast are stalwarts such as Hoagy Carmichael, Ray Collins, Steve Cochran (as Marie's oily-haired new beau), Don Beddoe, and Gladys George.

The single-disc Blu-ray from Warner Home Video is in 1.77:1 widescreen and English 1.0 sound.  Subtitles are in English, French,  and Spanish.  Bonus features consist of a brief introduction by Virginia Mayo, interview footage with Mayo and Teresa Wright, and the theatrical trailer. 

After THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES has already put us through the wringer with its other stories of desperation and redemption,  it saves its deepest felt and most lasting impact for the final scenes between Harold Russell's "Homer" and girl-next-door Wilma (Cathy O'Donnell is sweetness incarnate in the role) finally resolving the long-running uncertainty that has lingered between them since his return.  It's one of the most heartrendingly emotional sequences I've ever seen, and if you can get through it without blubbering like a baby, then, as Kipling once said, "You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din!"

THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES -- Blu-ray Review by Porfle

A CINDERELLA STORY: CHRISTMAS WISH -- Blu-ray/DVD Review by Porfle

(Warner Bros. Home Entertainment provided me with a free copy of the Blu-ray I reviewed in this blog post. The opinions I share are my own.)


Originally posted on 10/25/19

 

Much of the success of a "Cinderella" story depends on how much we hate her wicked stepmother and two wicked stepsisters, while at the same time finding them perversely funny. We also have to like the title character enough to root for her to win out over those three harpies and find true love with her Prince Charming.

In that, 2019's A CINDERELLA STORY: CHRISTMAS WISH (Warner Bros. Home Entertainment) fills in the blanks quite nicely, with Johannah Newmarch (POLARIS, "Stargate: SG-1") as stepmother Deirdre Decker, along with Lillian Doucet-Roche and Chanelle Peloso as the jarringly misnamed stepsisters Joy and Grace, horrify us with their selfishness, vanity, and deviousness yet still delight with their comically overdrawn characters and addlebrained bungling.

As Kat Decker, Laura Marano ("Austin & Ally", SAVING ZOE) fills the "Cinderella" role likably enough, going about the thankless task of waiting hand and foot on her step-monsters while holding down a job as a performing elf at Santa Land, all the while keeping as cheerful and upbeat as possible as she dreams of someday becoming a famous singer and performing her own songs for an adoring public.

Romance is another concern, one which is hampered by her becoming an object of internet ridicule when Joy posts a video in her vlog of Kat making a clumsy fool of herself in front of the town's most eligible bachelor, the handsome and charming Dominic Wintergarden (Gregg Sulkin, "Runaways").

As fate would have it, Dominic plays Santa at the store where Kat works, but she doesn't know it's him because he never takes off his beard at work. 

Naturally, they fall in love for all the right reasons, and as we can all guess by now Kat will get invited to a big gala thrown by Dominic's billionaire dad. But as we can also surmise, wicked stepmother finds a way to steal Kat's invitation and crash the party along with Joy and Grace, who all have designs on snaring one of the Wintergarden men as their own. 

All of this is about as lightweight and breezy as can be, and just as easy to take if one's expectations are no higher than your average teen or tween looking for something fun and vaguely identifiable to watch.

The movie looks bright and colorful, the leads are attractive and chipper, and the baddies are cartoonishly evil. (In my case, it helps that one of the wicked stepsisters resembles Miley Cyrus.)

With the help of Kat's devoted best friend Isla (Isabella Gomez, "One Day At a Time"), who assumes the "Fairy Godmother" role by making a beautiful gown for the gala and encouraging Kat every step of the way, our "Cinderella" gets her big chance for happiness when she ends up singing one of her own compositions for the high-tone audience.

Music plays a major role throughout the rest of the story as well, with Laura Marano and fellow castmembers performing a series of heavily-autotuned pop songs which, while totally forgettable, at least keep things bouncing along pleasantly enough.

Director and co-writer Michelle Johnston, an actress and dancer in such films as A CHORUS LINE and CHICAGO, ably follows up her 2016 effort entitled "A Cinderella Story: If the Shoe Fits."

The 2-disc set from Warner Bros. Home Entertainment contains both the Blu-ray and DVD versions of the movie plus a code for digital download. Extras consist of two featurettes, "The Look and Costumes of 'A Christmas Wish'" and "The Mic and The Stage", as well as trailers for other releases.

As teen-oriented musical rom-coms go, this one is about as wispy as cotton candy but equally sweet and easy to swallow.  A CINDERELLA STORY: CHRISTMAS WISH does what it aims to do: make us root for "Cinderella", hate her wicked step-harpies (while laughing at them), and feel good when "Prince Charming" sweeps her off her feet.



#CinderellaChristmas

Region: Region A/1 (Read more about DVD/Blu-ray formats.)
Number of discs: 2
Rated:PG/Parental Guidance Suggested
Studio: Warner Brothers
DVD Release Date: October 29, 2019
Run Time: 93 minutes


TRAILER:





MUSIC VIDEO:

A CINDERELLA STORY: CHRISTMAS WISH -- Blu-ray/DVD Review by Porfle

LORNA DOONE -- DVD Review by Porfle

(Originally posted on 4/21/11

 

LARRY: "And what might your name be, lass?"
LORNA: "Perhaps you've heard it, 'tis Lorna Doone."
SHEMP: "Hi, Lorna!  How ya Doone?"

This exchange from the Three Stooges short "Scotched in Scotland" was pretty much all I ever knew about Lorna Doone, never having read R.D. Blackmore's 1869 novel, seen any of the previous film adaptations, or eaten the cookies.  Now, Acorn Media's DVD release of the Thames Television production of LORNA DOONE (1990) brings me up to speed on the story, although not quite as entertainingly as I might've liked.

It gets off to a good start with a prologue showing how young John Ridd's father was murdered by Carver Doone (Sean Bean, FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, GOLDENEYE) of the Doone clan, a once-noble family now known as marauding outlaws.  This sequence is quite well done and gives John his first glimpse of Lorna, whom Carver has just kidnapped after killing her parents.  It also introduces us to the vast, gloomy countryside that plays such a major role in setting the mood of the film.



Twelve years later we find the older John (Clive Owen, SIN CITY) living with his sister Annie (Jane Gurnett) and mother Sarah (Billie Whitelaw, THE OMEN) on their small farm beneath the ever-lowering sky of rural England.  A chance meeting with the now-grown Lorna (Polly Walker) sparks a forbidden love that stirs things up big-time between the Ridds and the Doones, leading to a deadly feud involving half the local population.

Being a fan of Emily Bronte's "Wuthering Heights", I was expecting a tempestuous romance similar to that of Heathcliff and Catherine, but the match-up of John and Lorna is a rather tepid affair.  It begins with a 17th-century "meet cute"--John tumbles over a waterfall while fishing and is plucked from the water by Lorna--and never really gets all that passionate or even convincing.  Clive Owen's stiff performance doesn't help, and Polly Walker's Lorna scarcely resembles Bronte's feral nature-child Catherine.

The most warm and heartfelt love affair, in fact, is the one between John's sister Annie and their cousin, notorious highwayman Tom Faggus (Miles Anderson), who comes to the farm seeking asylum.   Tom is a likable rogue and the story comes to life when he's onscreen, whether courting Annie or helping the Ridds fend off the attacking Doone clan in one of the film's two major battle sequences. 

It's here that LORNA DOONE sparks the most interest, although the direction and editing during these scenes is somewhat clumsy.  Sean Bean does all he can with his one-note character and is an effective scenery-chewing villain.  A later attack on the Doone compound by John and his fellow farmers, after the local militia fails to take action, is another relative highpoint.



Still, it's a pretty bland affair, with uninspired direction and unremarkable performances in the lead roles.  The script seems to be checking off the main parts of the story in rather cursory fashion, while the Cliff Notes dialogue lacks depth.  It all gets much more involving when we begin to learn of Lorna's true origins, with some pretty grand surprises in store for the Ridd family, but little of it truly effects us on an emotional level.

Supporting performances are strong, with Jane Gurnett and Miles Anderson as Annie and Tom being the most likable members of the cast. Billie Whitelaw, of course, can't help but be good no matter what she's in.  As Carver's young son Ensie, who is later adopted by John, the diminutive Euan Grant MacLachlan is wonderfully expressive. 

The DVD from Acorn Media is in fullscreen with Dolby Digital sound and English subtitles.  Text-based extras consist of cast filmographies and a biography of novelist R.D. Blackmore.

I probably shouldn't be too picky, since this is a television production that was probably done on a low budget and a tight schedule.  It does manage to maintain interest throughout its running time, with a rich period atmosphere and a smattering of fairly good scenes here and there.  But in the end, this version of LORNA DOONE does little more than make me want to seek out a better one.

LORNA DOONE -- DVD Review by Porfle

KITES -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 2/18/11

 

High-octane chick flick?  Or sensitive love story for guys?  Whatever you call it, the Indian film KITES (2009) is a dazzling achievement that starts out looking all flashy and superficial and ends up steeped in genuine operatic romance.  And shoot-outs.  And car chases.

When a bunch of Mexican farm workers descend on a freight train with pitchforks to unload bales of hay, an unconscious man rolls out with a bullet in his back.  As an elderly peasant removes it, flashbacks reveal the man as J (Hrithik Roshan), a pretty-boy con man from India who gives dance lessons in Vegas and marries illegal immigrant women seeking green cards on the side.  When one of his students, Gina (Kangana Ranaut), falls for him, he's uninterested until he discovers she's the daughter of immensely-wealthy casino kingpin Bob (Kabir Bedi). 

Gina's gangster brother Tony (Nicholas Brown) is getting married, and wouldn't you know it--his intended, Mexican beauty Linda (Bárbara Mori), is one of J's former green-card brides, and the only one he ever felt anything for.  When J sees how Tony abuses her, he takes action.  The result is that J and Linda are now on the run from Vegas' most powerful crime family, with every cop and bounty hunter in the state on their tail along with Tony and his henchmen.



It's been awhile since I finished watching KITES, and I still haven't come in for a landing.  This shimmering cornucopia of movie magic overflows with so much good stuff during its two-hour running time that it's almost like one of those lucid dreams you don't want to wake up from.  Brilliantly directed (by Anurag Basu), sumptuously photographed, and exhilaratingly cinematic, it's almost a throwback to the silent days with extended passages of compelling images that involve the viewer on a non-verbal level.

The dialogue, when not purely functional, is used mainly for both romantic and comedic effect as various language barriers (English, Spanish, Hindi) prove awkward.  Rajesh Roshan's poignant original score is a major element throughout, as are several spirited song montages.  Unlike a lot of other films, frequent lapses into slow-motion work because we're seeing everything from J's point of view and he's pretty much in a constant dream state.
 

The early scenes are lighter in tone, with J and Gina's electrifying performance in a breakdancing exhibition providing a lively interlude, and some of J and Linda's adventures on the road are fun.  But danger and desperation begin to darken the story as the fleeing lovers encounter peril at every turn, and this is when KITES turns into one of the most thrilling action flicks of recent years. 

There are at least three major car chases, one of which is jam-packed with incredible crash stunts that will leave you breathless.  The film doesn't skimp on bullets either, nor is there a lack of genuine dramatic tension when things really start to go wrong for our protagonists.  Along the way, we get to see J's character transform from superficial street hustler to a man willing to die (as well as kill bad guys) for love, which endows him with blind courage and a fiendish resourcefulness during the action scenes.

My estimation of Hrithik Roshan as an actor grew as I watched his character develop.  It may not be apparent at first, but beyond his male-model looks he's very good.  (He also, incidentally, has two thumbs on his right hand.)  As Linda, Bárbara Mori is more than just radiantly beautiful--she gives a thoroughly captivating performance that's at times deeply affecting, whether trading playful romantic barbs with J or facing death at the edge of a cliff.  All of the supporting players are fine as well, notably Nicholas Brown as the homicidally hostile Tony.


The two-disc DVD from Image Entertainment is in 2.35:1 with Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound.  There are no extras--not even chapter selections.  Disc one is the original 123-minute Bollywood version in all its glory, while disc two contains Brett Ratner's 92-minute "Cliff Notes" version.
 
Ratner's remix strips the original of all its more contemplative passages and musical montages, including the early dance sequence and other important scenes in their entirety.  Graeme Revell's less effective new score replaces the intensely romantic one by Rajesh Roshan, including the love theme (which, admittedly, is a rip-off of Enya's theme for Aragorn and Arwen from the LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy), robbing the film of much of its heart.
 
Already a fast-paced film, the remix is downright ADD-friendly--trimmed and "time-compressed" the way syndicated TV episodes are carved up to make room for more commercials--and nowhere near the exquisite collaboration between images and music as the original version.  In his attempt to reshape the film into something more appealing to short attention spans (while adding a few more titillating shots here and there), Ratner rushes so impatiently through the story that even the deeply moving ending is seriously blunted.

Even if unabashed romanticism makes you uncomfortable, you might as well just give in to KITES and allow it to do its thing for a couple of hours.  Either you won't like it--and I imagine a lot of people won't--or it will be one of the most thoroughly intoxicating movie experiences you've ever had.  My advice is to let it sweep you up in its emotional and sensory embrace, and--heaven forbid--maybe even get a little misty-eyed at the end.  This movie earns it.

KITES -- DVD Review by Porfle