EARTHSTORM -- Movie Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 10/17/10

 

I really like imminent-doom-from-space movies like ARMAGEDDON, DEEP IMPACT, WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE, and their directionally-inverted counterpart, THE CORE.  The makers of EARTHSTORM (2006) obviously like them, too, because their movie is very similar to these in several ways except a very obvious one: budget.  It's an epic disaster flick scaled down to barely the size of a Sci-Fi Channel movie (which, in fact, it is), with most of the drama taking place in--as Paul's very clean grandad from A HARD DAY'S NIGHT might have put it--a cheap CGI shot and a room, a barebones space shuttle interior and a room, and a room and a room.

After a title sequence that resembles the opening of "Star Trek:The Next Generation", the movie kicks off with the moon being struck by a huge asteroid.  Not only does this send a shower of huge meteorites raining down upon the Earth, but it also causes a gradually-widening crack that threatens to break the moon itself into pieces.  Worldwide weather chaos ensues as well, and we get to see the usual idiot newsguys standing in the middle of it as they breathlessly give us the play-by-play.  The CGI in the "meteors hit city" scenes is okay--not great, but not actually laughable, either.  It's a small-scale disaster, to be sure, but if you scale down your expectations to match, then it's not so bad.

Scientist Lara Gale (Amy Price-Francis) is summoned to the ASI, or "American Space Institute" (which is the equivalent of NASA in the alternate dimension in which this story seems to take place), by her colleague Dr. Garth Pender (John Ralston), to help whip up some kind of solution to the problem.  Lara's late father predicted that this scenario might someday occur and came up with his own theoretical remedy, based on his belief that the interior of the moon was composed mainly of iron.  This, however, was ridiculed by his peers in the scientific community, including the President's current Chief Scientific Advisor, Victor Stevens (Dirk Benedict), one of those characters whose sole purpose is to arbitrarily laugh off all the rational solutions proposed by our heroes and insist on doing things the stupid way.  Benedict, who was Starbuck on the original "Battlestar Galactica" and Face on "The A-Team", is used to playing stupid characters and does a pretty good job here.

The plan, as it is, consists of sending astronauts to the moon to blow up some nukes and cause the crack to collapse in upon itself.  In ARMAGEDDON, the fate of mankind rested on the world's greatest oil driller.  Here, it requires the expertise of ace building-blower-upper John Redding (Stephen Baldwin), who just happens to be the world's greatest demolition expert.  He gets summoned to ASI headquarters, and we just know that before you can say "Press the button, Stamper!", he's gonna end up having to go into space himself to make sure the job gets done right.  Upon hearing the plan, he protests, "I don't know anything about the moon!" to which Dr. Pender responds, "Nobody knows more about how things collapse in on themselves than you."  Well, you can't argue with that.

After a bunch of scenes consisting of people in rooms talking to each other, with a few "ehh" disaster shots thrown in here and there, we get to the film's most gripping sequence: the launch of the shuttle during a furious tropical storm.  With time running out and no backup plan, Redding and the two shuttle pilots must go for broke and take off even as various systems hover in and out of "no-go" status and the storm rages around them.  Things also get pretty tense during the shuttle's approach to the moon through a dense field of debris.  By this time, I wasn't expecting ILM-level effects, so I found these scenes visually adequate.  What sorta had me scratching my head, though, was the fact that they seem to have gravity on board the shuttle.  I guess you just can't simulate having a big lug like Stephen Baldwin floating around weightless without spending some serious cash.

Speaking of which, these Baldwin brothers really are a bunch of big lugs, aren't they?  Don't get me wrong--I like them.  But they look like the kind of guys you'd see hanging out at a Flintstone family reunion.  Alec used to be the slim, handsome one--his "Flintstones" character would probably be a movie star named "Rock Granite" or something--and Stephen was the lanky, kid-brother one.  Daniel, the middle Baldwin, was the original "big lug" type of the three.  Now, they're all starting to look more and more alike as Alec and Stephen's physical appearance begins to move closer toward the middle ground inhabited by Daniel.  A time-lapse montage of close-ups from their movies, in chronological order, would probably look like one of those transformation scenes in THE WOLF MAN.  One of these days we won't even be able to tell them apart, and they'll be able to star in an all-Baldwin remake of WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH.

Anyway, once Redding and the astronauts reach the moon, they discover that the nuke plan isn't going to work and that an alternate plan based on the theories of Dr. Gale's late father must be improvised (which will vindicate the old guy at last).  Take that, you dumb old President's Chief Science Advisor!  This leads to a sequence similar to one in APOLLO 13 in which the eggheads at mission control must devise a way to utilize only the equipment and resources available on board the shuttle to conquer the problem.  And a certain level of suspense is maintained as the shuttle is bombarded by debris while the clock ticks down to the point beyond which it will be too late to save the Earth. 

Stephen Baldwin does a good job and is likable in his Barney Rubble kind of way.  The supporting players are good, particularly Matt Gordon as "Albert", one of the eggheads running around mission control like a chicken with its head cut off, and Richard Leacock as "Ollie", the mission control guy who wants to abort the shuttle liftoff.  I also liked Redding's building-demolition helper, Bryna (Anna Silk).  She's very appealing in a "girl-next-door" kind of way.  Does Bryna get together with Redding in the end, like I wanted?  I'll put it this way--no.  GRRRRRRRR!!!  The final romantic pair-ups in this movie are infuriatingly wrong, and made me want to smash the DVD into little pieces, mix it with mashed potatoes and gravy, and eat it, thus symbolizing my total victory over this film and everyone involved. 

But on further reflection, I decided that such a course of action would probably be overdoing it a bit.  After all, EARTHSTORM is just a low-rent sci-fi actioner that is fairly entertaining if you catch it in the right mood, and it's not going to kill me if it doesn't end exactly the way I wanted it to.  But Stephen Baldwin's character and Amy Price-Francis' character ending up together?  Pffft--never gonna work.  Just wait'll she sees how much hair this guy's gonna leave in the tub every time he takes a shower.

EARTHSTORM -- Movie Review by Porfle

ROADKILL -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 8/4/11

 

One of the most fun movies named "Roadkill" that I've seen since they started making movies named "Roadkill", ROADKILL (2011) is the rare example of a SyFy Channel movie with a CGI monster that doesn't totally suck.  It's as though my TV suddenly had a "fun" knob that I was able to turn up after the opening scenes heralded imminent boredom.

With some of the most excruciatingly obvious expository dialogue imaginable, we learn that Kate (Kacey Barnfield) has moved to Ireland to work and her American friends have joined her there for one last reunion vacation.  This includes old flame Ryan (Oliver James), best friend Anita (Roisin Murphy), med-school brother Joel (Colin Maher), clownish nerd Chuck (Diarmuid Noyes), not-so-best-friend Hailey (Eliza Bennett), and token black guy Tommy (Kobna Holdbrook-Smith), who, no kidding, says "Yo, yo, I'm down wit dat" in his first scene.

Of course, we want all of these people to die horribly as soon as they open their mouths, which looks like a pretty good prospect when their motor home pulls up in front of an isolated store that looks like something out of "The Irish Chain Saw Massacre."  Anita wants to purchase a necklace worn by an inbred yokel named Luca (a very effective Ned Dennehy), and after a dispute the kids make off with it, running over an old gypsy woman in the process.  Before she dies, she puts a curse on them--one by one, they will all be snatched away by a giant mythical bird, which, needless to say, threatens to put a damper on their vacation.



After a stupid beginning, this Irish backwoods stuff actually starts creating some ominous atmosphere, especially when the fleeing youngsters get hopelessly lost in a creeping fog and start hearing scraping sounds on the roof of their van.  Not only that, but the stock characters start acting kind of like real people and we begin to slightly care about them.  It isn't long before we see the massive Roc dive-bombing at them with its giant claws outstretched, and surprisingly, the CGI is pretty good.  Then we get our first shockingly gory death scene, and it's a humdinger.

Now I'm enjoying ROADKILL instead of dreading it.  The kids run into all sorts of trouble including a flat tire that somebody's gonna have to go out there and fix, the usual lack of cell phone functionality (didn't see that coming, did ya?), and the serial reappearance of an increasingly hostile Luca along with his yokel brethren.  It turns out that Luca needs that necklace as a talisman to ward off the Roc, whom he also appeases by staking out hapless passersby as sacrificial bird food.  Drina (Eve Macklin), Luca's really hot sister or cousin or whatever (I don't think it really matters), also gets into the act with a sawed-off shotgun, heightening my interest level to an unhealthy degree.



The rest of the film manages to keep the tension pretty taut with several scenes of suspense and a few character moments that are unexpectedly resonant.  Performances seem to improve as the situation gets more frantic, and the fact that nobody's safe from the rampaging Roc keeps us on edge.  Stephen Rea (THE CRYING GAME) even shows up at one point as a local cop who isn't quite as helpful as he should be.  The ending, far-fetched as it is, puts a satisfying capper on the whole thing.

The DVD from Vivendi Entertainment is in widescreen with Dolby 5.1 sound.  There are no extras or subtitles.

Don't get me wrong--ROADKILL isn't some kind of wonderful flick and I'm not guaranteeing that you'll love it.  It's just that when my expectations are so low, being surprisingly entertained by a movie like this tends to make me regard it rather fondly.  And as far as these SyFy Channel monster-of-the-week potboilers go, it Rocs. 

ROADKILL -- DVD Review by Porfle

12 DISASTERS -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 1/7/14

 

If one disaster makes for an exciting movie, then twelve of them would be twelve times more exciting, right?  Well...we're talking about the SyFy Channel here, and 12 DISASTERS (2012) is just the same old story they've been rehashing for years only with some slightly different but equally rinky-dink CGI.

Ed Quinn (BEHEMOTH) heads a cast dotted with several SyFy vets as rugged family man Joseph, whose 18-year-old daughter Jacey (Magda Apanowicz, SNOWMAGEDDON) turns out to be the "chosen one" in a long line of mystical women going all the way back to the Mayans.  She's the one who will have to stop the ancient Mayan prediction of the end of the world on 12/21/2012, as foretold in--brace yourselves--the Christmas carol "The 12 Days of Christmas." (The film's original title, as you might guess, was "The 12 Disasters of Christmas.")

You're probably singing that to yourself right now but it won't really help until you get to the part about the "five gold rings", which Jacey and her dad must locate and which are buried (for some damn reason I couldn't figure out) in secret locations all around their remote, rustic town (the usual Canadian location subbing for the U.S. Northwest).  Only with all five rings can Jacey ward off the impending twelve disasters which will destroy the earth.

We never really understand what the rest of the world has to fear since the disasters only affect their own small town, and most of them don't even qualify as "disasters."  There's a bad-CGI tornado, a mild earthquake, and some pretty cool giant ice shards that rain down out of the sky and skewer a few citizens (including Joseph's mom).

At one point, a crack in the earth releases some red gas that disintegrates a few bad guys who are under the impression that they can save themselves by sacrificing Jacey by fire (including the typical evil industrialist played by Roark Critchlow of EARTH'S FINAL HOURS). 

Another fissure in the earth's crust releases a sort of heat force-field that fries anything that tries to pass through it,  including some really poorly-rendered rescue helicopters.   The most interesting "disaster", for me anyway, is a rapidly-spreading cold wave that flash-freezes everything in its path, but we only get to see a few selected townspeople get turned into ice statues.  This is mainly due to the fact that these scenes don't feature a whole lot of extras.

Probably the dumbest-looking of the various deadly perils is a string of out-of-control Christmas lights that wrap themselves around a hapless victims and zap him to death in what might be Clark Griswold's worst nightmare.

The final and supposedly deadliest disaster occurs, as it so often does in these flicks, up in the mountains, where some meager volcanic effects billow and spew as Jacey and her dad scramble to locate the last ring.

Their quest to do so gets decidedly tiresome in the film's second half, as Critchlow's character menaces them while his cowardly cohort Jude (Andrew Airlie, APOLLO 18, "Defying Gravity") holds Joseph's wife Mary (Holly Elissa, ICE QUAKE) and son Peter (Ryan Grantham,  ICE QUAKE) hostage. (But at least you can pass the time picking out all of the script's obvious Biblical references.)

Director Steven R. Monroe of 2010's I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE and its sequel (as well as 2006's LEFT IN DARKNESS) turns in a passable but rushed job of bringing the screenplay by writer Rudy Thauberger (SNOWMAGEDDON) to a semblance of life.  Performances range from okay to not-so-great, with Magda Apanowicz as Jacey managing to work up the most convincing displays of emotion.

As Grant, an old codger who tries in vain to warn everyone of the impending doom, is veteran actor Donnelly Rhodes, whose mile-long list of credits includes playing the gambler who accuses Robert Redford of cheating in the opening minutes of BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID.

The DVD from Anchor Bay is in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen with Dolby 5.1 sound and subtitles in English and Spanish.  No extras.

If you catch 12 DISASTERS in the right mood, you'll probably get some "bad-movie" enjoyment out of it.  At any rate, most of us pretty much know just what to expect from these SyFy Channel "end-of-the-world" flicks and whether or not we want to waste precious moments of our lives watching them.

12 DISASTERS -- DVD Review by Porfle

THE BIG TRAIL -- DVD Review by Porfle

 Originally posted on 10/26/11

 

It's not every day you get to watch a 1930 blockbuster movie in widescreen, with enough sheer spectacle to leave even modern viewers breathless.  The movie in question is Raoul Walsh's Western epic THE BIG TRAIL, a young John Wayne's first starring role and a genuine treasure for Western fans.

Shot on 70mm film using an early widescreen process known as "Fox Grandeur", THE BIG TRAIL was expensive to shoot and expensive to project--new equipment had to be installed in theaters just to show it--and with the onset of the Great Depression, it seemed the "Fox Grandeur" process had come along at just the wrong time.  Only a couple of theaters in New York and Los Angeles ever exhibited the widescreen version, while everyone else saw a much less impressive 35mm Academy aspect ratio version that was filmed simutaneously.  It would be another two decades before Cinerama offered moviegoers such wide vistas again.

The story takes place as a cattle drive blazes the trail for a wagon train full of settlers bound to reach the land north of Oregon.  For five months, director Raoul Walsh and his crew filmed 185 full-sized Conestoga wagons (or "prairie schooners") and thousands of extras on a 2,000-mile trudge across five states, facing conditions much like those experienced by the actual pioneers.  The settings, including a bustling river town, a massive riverboat, and various outposts along the trail, are meticulously detailed and wonderfully authentic, as are the costumes, props, and all other aspects of the production. 



The 23-year-old John Wayne plays buckskin-clad Breck Coleman, a tall, good-natured frontiersman who hires on as the group's scout for two reasons.  One, he's infatuated with a lovely young pioneer woman named Ruth (Marguerite Churchill), who can't stand him, and two, he's sworn revenge against the burly bullwhacker Frack (a Bluto-like Tyrone Power, Sr.) and his weaselly henchman Lopez (Charles Stevens) for murdering his best friend in order to steal his valuable stock of wolf pelts.  To complicate things, these skunks are in cahoots with a lowdown riverboat gambler named Thorpe (Ian Keith), who is also smitten with Ruth and is looking for an opportunity to shoot Breck in the back somewhere along the trail.

The actors, from the stars down to the extras, all look and act as though they belong in that era, despite the sometimes stilted acting styles (a leftover from the silent era, along with the expository intertitles).  And when the settlers encounter various tribes of Indians along the way, both friendly and not-so-friendly, they definitely aren't refugees from central casting--they're the real thing.  Much of this film is like a window into the past because the Wild West as we know it still existed at the time this was made, and Walsh's cameras were there to record it in its gloriously uncivilized state.



Breathtaking scenery and amazingly rich tableaux fill the screen throughout the film, with wagons, horses, and cattle often stretching as far as the eye can see.  One sequence shows the wagon train during a harrowing river crossing, while another details the grueling task of lowering the wagons, livestock, and people down the face of a sheer cliff by ropes.  We also get the obligatory "circling the wagons" scene (never as well-done as it is here) as the hostile Cheyenne attack and the settlers fight desperately to repel them. 

The excitement comes from knowing that these events are actually taking place and not being simulated by special effects or augmented by CGI.  From the rolling hills and mountains of the midwest, through miles of burning desert, and finally to the lush, majestic redwood forests (with a brief stop-off at the Grand Canyon along the way), the genuine locations used for THE BIG TRAIL are a non-stop feast for the eyes.

As Bill Cooke recently stated on the Classic Horror Film Board, "John Wayne may be a little rough in his first acting role, but was never more charming."  The financial failure of THE BIG TRAIL would relegate Wayne to a long string of B-movies until his breakthrough role as "The Ringo Kid" in John Ford's 1939 classic STAGECOACH, but his Breck Coleman character is just as likable and appealing as any he ever played.  He's earnestly convincing whether palavering with his friends the Indians, bashfully courting the gal of his fancy, or stalking his best friend's killers with deadly determination.



Marguerite Churchill, whom I always liked as Otto Kruger's sassy secretary in DRACULA'S DAUGHTER (1936), is winsome as the girl Breck must try his darndest to win over.  As the loathesome Frack, Tyrone Power, Sr. is almost cartoonishly villainous, but he's a formidable bad guy nonetheless.  Tully Marshall is outstanding as Breck's pal, the aging frontiersman Zeke, while vaudeville comedian El Brendel provides love-it-or-hate-it comedy relief as a Swedish doofus named Gus who is constantly being harangued along the way by his tyrannical mother-in-law.

20th Century Fox's 2-disc DVD of this restored version of THE BIG TRAIL is a real treat for fans of John Wayne and of Westerns in general.  Despite some rough patches here and there, the film looks great and is always visually impressive.  Four informative featurettes and some photo galleries make for interesting supplemental viewing, although the same can't be said, unfortunately, for Richard Schickel's boring commentary track.  The second disc contains the standard fullscreen version, which is interesting for comparative purposes although you probably won't care to sit through the whole thing after watching the widescreen version.

For me, the combination of a great Western adventure with the novelty value of seeing a beautiful widescreen film shot in the early days of talking pictures is a thrill that's hard to beat.  Add to this the opportunity to watch John Wayne shine in his starring debut and director Raoul Walsh at the height of his creative skills, and you've got THE BIG TRAIL--surely one of the most spectacular and irresistibly entertaining Westerns ever made.  To borrow another quote from Bill Cooke:  "By the time this one is over, you actually feel as if you've taken a wagon train out West."

THE BIG TRAIL -- DVD Review by Porfle

THE KEEPER -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 1/28/10

 

 

You have to hand it to Steven Seagal--he's managed to maintain a fairly popular action-hero persona that barely requires him to either move or speak intelligibly. These days, his movies don't even have to be very good at all as long as he's in them. His latest, THE KEEPER (2009), dog-paddles in the DTV end of the pool with the rest of his recent output, neither sinking all the way to the bottom nor demonstrating any fancy strokes to speak of.

The first ten minutes are a mini-movie in which Steven, as L.A. cop Roland Sallinger, is shot by his two-timing partner during a drug bust. He survives, then manages to kill the rat from his hospital bed when he comes to finish the job. Forced to retire due to his injuries, Roland then accepts an offer from his old friend Connor Wells, an ex-cop who's now a Texas oil millionaire, to play bodyguard for his daughter Nikita. She's in danger because a rival millionaire named Jason Cross wants to kidnap her in order to force Wells to sign over some land on which uranium has been discovered. Complicating things is the fact that Nikita's weaselly boyfriend Mason, a two-bit boxer, is in league with Cross.

I'm sure you'd like for me to skip the preliminaries and get to the action scenes, because we don't watch Steven Seagal movies for the acting and dialogue, right? Well, he hasn't been in town for five minutes before he sees a young Mexican woman in distress and has his limo driver pull over so he can whoop a few bad-guy butts. As most of us are aware by now, his fighting style now consists mainly of standing in one spot while flailing his arms wildly, disarming his opponents and bending their arms the wrong way until the bones crack.

Occasionally, he'll let loose with a low kick--his days of planting a flying foot in somebody's face are long past. And even with this limited mobility, a stand-in is often used for the shots in which his character is required to move with some semblance of agility. These fight scenes consist of many short shots and rapid-fire editing to give the illusion that our hero is a lightning-fast flurry of movement.

That said, it's still Steven Seagal, and somehow that's enough. I like the way he strolls into a heated situation and makes the bad guys suffer for being stupid enough to take him on. I'd love to be able to do that myself. And he's so damn sure of himself, mixing it up with multiple opponents with a supreme confidence that's bracing. It's especially fun when he screws around with them a little first, pretending to be intimidated, before giving them that patented Steven Seagal scowl and laying into them. And on the plus side, he seems to have shed some weight since the last time I saw him, so he no longer resembles a giant burrito or appears to be wearing his car instead of just driving it.

Later, there's a kidnapping attempt involving a car chase, and a couple of minor shoot-em-ups on the streets. A few more quick hand-to-hand battles lead up to the final confrontation between Steve and the kidnappers, with Nikita's life in the balance. It's all passable stuff, but none of it is in any way memorable or outstanding. The big guy does put his hand through somebody's throat at one point, which fulfills the requirement that he do something really overtly violent at least once per movie to whatever bad guy wins the honor of deserving it.

Technically, THE KEEPER is your basic meat-and-potatoes job with some irritating stylistic touches thrown in. There's the speed-up-slow-down effect, the appeal of which I never understood, mixed with quick camera moves that make a whooshing noise. Even a brief pan of some trophies Steve has amassed during his cop career does the speed-up-slow-down thing and makes a whooshing noise. Oh yeah, and some of the transitions are accompanied by a flashing white light that also makes a whooshing noise. I guess it's all meant to make the movie look more hip and contemporary, but that kind of stuff just has DTV written all over it. Seagal's 2007 film URBAN JUSTICE eschewed all of that crap for a leaner and more old-school, Don Siegel-type visual style and is all the better for it. To his credit, though, director Keoni Waxman spares us the usual Shaky-Cam overload.

As for the cast, most are capable performers. Steph DuVall as Wells and Luce Rains as Cross are a couple of old pros who know their stuff (although DuVall slips up and calls Seagal's character "Ballinger" at one point), while Arron Shiver does a good job as the slimeball Mason. As Nikita, Liezl Carstens handles the screaming and being scared parts well. When paired with Seagal for a dialogue scene, however, it's as though they're competing in a slow race to see who can underplay the other, and they may have you wondering which one will simply keel over unconscious first.

Seagal, as usual, emotes as though his meds just kicked in and his lines are being fed to him through an earpiece. This time around, he doesn't have any good lines such as "I'm gunna kill the muhfuh that killed mah son", nor the kind of vengeance-driven motivation that a dead wife or family member can provide, both of which are missed. And also unlike URBAN JUSTICE, which had a fadeout that was just cool as hell, this movie just ends when it runs out of stuff to do.

The DVD from 20-Century Fox is in 1.78:1 widescreen with English 5.1 Dolby Digital and Spanish Dolby Surround, subtitled in English and Spanish. There are no extras.

With THE KEEPER, you get pretty much what you might expect by now--standard latter-day Seagal with just enough of the old magic to keep it from being totally dispensible, yet little to make it of any interest to anyone but his most loyal fans. If you're among that number, check it out. Otherwise, why bother?

THE KEEPER -- DVD Review by Porfle

MISERY (Blu-Ray) -- DVD Review by Porfle

(Blu-Ray comments by Ian Friedman. Originally posted on 10/5/09.)


If you're a fan of Stephen King's books, you know that one of his favorite schticks is the "predicament" story. They're usually pretty simple and focus mainly on one character, with whom we identify, who is placed into a seemingly inescapable situation that will require ingenuity, endurance, and lots of suffering in order to come out of it alive. In "The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon", a little girl is lost in the woods and must survive on her own for several days. In "Gerald's Game", a woman is handcuffed to a bed by her kinky boyfriend, who then dies of a heart attack and leaves her helpless. Stephen's game, it would seem, is to come up with these challenging premises which he must then write his way out of.

Rob Reiner's impeccably-filmed 1990 horror thriller MISERY, based on King's novel of the same name, places James Caan's "Paul Sheldon" into a doozy of a predicament--after crashing his car during a blizzard, he wakes up in bed in the secluded home of widowed nurse Annie Wilkes, his legs and right arm mangled.

Paul, author of a series of wildly-successful romance novels about a heroine named "Misery Chastain", is told by the sweet and attentive Annie that she is his number one fan. But when she finds out that he's killed "Misery" off in his latest novel, Annie goes off the deep end and her violent and dangerously insane side comes to the fore. Thus, Paul is helpless and at the mercy of a lunatic from whom there seems to be no escape.

Caan gives one of his best performances as a rational man who is suddenly thrust into a twisted, nightmarish ordeal of dehumanizing abuse and utter lunacy. He's very believable in the role and his expressions of guarded concern, growing alarm, and finally terror, outrage, and agony are some of the most realistic and expressive acting he's ever done.

Kathy Bates, of course, is just incredible as Annie Wilkes, every bit as much of a genuine movie monster as Mr. Hyde or the Phantom of the Opera. Clearly based in part on Genene Jones, the infamous "Texas Baby Murderer", Annie is a big woman with a big mental problem, and Bates plays the role to the hilt. Still, so powerful is her presence that she never needs to go over the top, which makes her character all the more unnervingly effective.

The direction by Rob Reiner is deviously clever. I don't think I've ever used the word "Hitchcockian" before, but I think it would apply here. Reiner seems to be having a ball shooting all sorts of different shots of walking feet, shadows under doors, etc. and editing them together to build little vignettes of mounting suspense. While Paul is creeping around the house in his wheelchair or doing something he's not supposed to be doing, we know that Annie could appear at any moment and inflict terrible punishment. Buster, the local sheriff (Richard Farnsworth), investigates Annie's house in a scene that recalls the queasy unease of Vera Miles' search of the Bates home in PSYCHO.


Annie's every tiny mood swing or irrational suspicion can bring new terror, until we're jittery with dread whenever she's onscreen. Her solution for Paul's attempts to escape captivity, while not quite as extreme as in King's novel, is still not for the squeamish. The final confrontation between the two, which could've turned out ludicrous in lesser hands, is handled extremely well.

The new Blu-Ray 2-disc set (BD/DVD) from 20th-Century Fox is 1.85:1 with English DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 and Spanish and French Dolby Digital 5.1, and offers subtitles in all three languages. The Blu-Ray image looks pretty good. There is actually some print damage, which is a bit surprising--not too much, but that there is any is a bit strange. The picture is a little soft, but still offers a good amount of detail.

MISERY takes its time establishing the situation and characters and then building an aura of suspense that can at any moment erupt into nerve-wracking terror. It's a great example of how a movie can put the viewer through the proverbial wringer without the need for graphic violence and cheap shocks.

MISERY (Blu-Ray) -- DVD Review by Porfle

PREDATORS -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 10/23/10
 

 

Not the adrenaline-charged action blowout I was expecting, PREDATORS (2010) is still a reasonably exciting and, for the most part, absorbing monster flick.

Things get off to a dynamic start as mercenary soldier Royce (Adrien Brody) wakes up to find himself in the middle of a harrowing freefall through the clouds.  His chute opens just in time but he still goes crashing perilously through the ceiling of a dense jungle below before finally thudding into the turf.  Before long he discovers he's not the only one, as more confused people keep popping up and wondering where the hell they are and how they got there.

Curiously, they all seem to be adept at killing, either for business or pleasure.  Along with soldiers Isabelle (Alice Braga), Nikolai (Oleg Taktarov), and Mombasa (Mahershalalhashbaz Ali), there's drug cartel executioner Cuchillo (Danny Trejo), a Yakuza named Hanzo (Louis Ozawa Changchien), and a flaky rapist-murderer from Death Row named Stans (Walter Goggins).  The odd man out is seemingly mild-mannered doctor Edwin (Topher Grace), who, like the others, was abducted in a flash of white light.

They may be in the dark as to what's going on, but most of us viewers are well aware that these hapless individuals are the latest prey for big, vicious aliens known as Predators, who hunt and kill for sport.  As we wait for them to appear, the humans, with Royce taking the lead, trudge through the jungle toward higher ground and eventually realize that they're on another planet.  The game now afoot, they're soon tracked down by a pack of doglike creatures in a lively attack sequence that's pretty nicely CGI-rendered.
 

 

Some of the characters start dying off before we get to know them at all, while the rest remain sketchy and enigmatic.  Royce, who cultivates a cold ruthlessness in order to survive, gives Adrien Brody a welcome chance to not be a wuss for a change.  Isabelle (played by Sonia Braga's niece Alice) and Nikolai are patriots who kill efficiently for their country yet retain their humanity--Nikolai proudly displays a photo of his kids at one point, while Isabelle refuses to leave a wounded Edwin behind. 

Cowardly blowhard Stans reminds me a little of Bill Paxton's "Hudson" from ALIENS, until he starts fantasizing about getting coked up and going on a raping spree when he gets back to Earth.  A surprising new character introduced late in the film (I won't go into any details) provides the story with its strangest and most interesting interlude.  The dialogue is serviceable but nobody is given anything very memorable to say, including the sort of pithy one-liners Arnold spouted in the first film. 

KNB EFX Group, Inc. provide the excellent makeup effects which we get to see in loving close-up.  The "original" Predator, we discover, was a little feller compared to the bigger, badder species introduced here, and it turns out there's a blood feud between them which becomes important to the plot later on.  I still prefer the original-style Predator to the jazzed-up new version, and it's a little disconcerting to see him diminished in comparison.
 

 

Highlights include a clash of swords between Predator and Yakuza, an inter-species Predator showdown, and a final clash between the baddest Predator and the most resourceful human.  But while there are several action setpieces and some thrilling stunts here and there, viewers expecting a monsters-versus-humans free-for-all along the lines of ALIENS will probably be disappointed.  The breakneck pace of that film is also missing here, as the story moves rather leisurely between action scenes and never really maintains much momentum.  Still, PREDATORS remains fairly absorbing throughout. 

The DVD from 20th-Century Fox is in 2.35:1 widescreen with soundtracks in English Dolby 5.1 and Spanish and French Dolby 2.0.  Subtitles are in English, Spanish, and French.  Extras include a chummy commentary track with director Nimrod Antal and producer Robert Rodriguez, a look at the film's location shooting in Hawaii and Texas, three short motion comics, the theatrical trailer, and several trailers from other 20th-Century Fox releases. 

Good performances, top-notch makeup effects, and high-gloss production values keep this somewhat lackluster screenplay moving along well enough.  But Nimrod Antal, while certainly a capable director, doesn't have that Robert Rodriguez touch, and PREDATORS comes off as an entertaining but unremarkable sci-fi/monster flick with a direct-to-video vibe.

PREDATORS -- DVD Review by Porfle

BATMAN: THE MOVIE (1966) -- Movie Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 10/31/09

  

I remember when Bat-mania hit. When the Adam West TV series premiered, millions of kids were glued to their sets. We thrilled to the colorful adventures of the Caped Crusaders, Batman and Robin, as they fought to keep flamboyant foes such as Joker, Riddler, Penguin, and Catwoman from terrorizing the good citizens of Gotham City. It was like seeing the old Bob Kane comics brought to life, and we all went batty over it. In no time the Batman logo was all over T-shirts, lunch boxes, bubblegum cards--you name it. It was cooler than cool.

We didn't know it was a comedy. Most of our parents and older siblings didn't either--they just thought it was the silliest, stupidest thing they'd ever seen, and as we sat there watching each episode in Bat-ecstacy while the older folks poured on the derision, the jokes just went zooming like Batarangs right over all our heads. As I got a little older, I finally started to catch on to how dumb it was myself. But it wasn't till much later, when the Tim Burton movie prompted a lot of local stations to start showing reruns, that it finally dawned on me that "Batman" was one of the most deliriously funny comedies to ever hit the airwaves.

Meanwhile, back in my childhood...the show had been on for one season when word hit the playground that there was gonna be a movie. HOLY HOLLYWOOD, Batman! The local theater was packed to the gills with screaming kids on a Saturday morning back in '66 when BATMAN:THE MOVIE lit the place up. 

We sat in awe as our formerly TV-sized heroes went widescreen with bigger adventures, a bevy of bad guys, and better Bat-gadgets such as the Batcycle, the Batboat and the Batcopter, in addition to the already-awesome Batmobile. 

What we didn't realize at the time was that the movie was just as dumb as the TV series--maybe even dumber! Along with the POW!, WHAM!, and THUD! graphics that "Batman" was famous for, there might as well have been a giant ZOOM! above our heads as the jokes continued to sail right over them.

Back in the Batcave--that is, my livingroom, present day--I can now enjoy BATMAN:THE MOVIE as the wonderfully funny spoof that it is. Adam West as the wise, mysterious, somber Batman and Burt Ward as his earnest, straight-arrow yet boyishly-impetuous sidekick Robin are almost painfully deadpan. 

They take their responsibility as the Dynamic Duo, tireless protectors of Gotham City, with utmost seriousness, and they totally crack me up as they swoosh down their Batpoles, leap into the Batmobile, and Bat-a-pult into action against the nefarious foes of all that is decent.

Their dialogue is often hilarious, as in this Batcave think-session which features them trying to decipher two of the Riddler's fiendishly clever brain-teasers:

BATMAN: "Listen to these riddles, Robin...tell me if you interpret them as I do. One: what has yellow skin and writes?"
ROBIN: (after a moment's reflection) "A ballpoint banana!"
BATMAN: "Right! Two: what people are always in a hurry?"
ROBIN: "Rushing...people...Russians!"
BATMAN: "Right again. Now what would you say they mean?"
ROBIN: "Banana...Russian...I've got it! Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana peel and break their neck!"
BATMAN: "Precisely, Robin! The only...possible...meaning!"

Giving Batman and Robin a run for their money in the deadpan humor department is Neil Hamilton as Commissioner Gordon. To him, each new outbreak of villainy is the gravest catastrophe and would spell certain doom for Gotham City save for the intervention of the Caped Crusaders. His constantly apprehensive expression and dead-serious line delivery are perfect. 

When it appears that Gotham's most foul enemies have become partners in crime, he's utterly crestfallen. "Joker, Penguin, Riddler, and now, Catwoman..." the commissioner solemnly intones. "The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!"

The bad guys, on the other hand, get to have all the fun. Back then, everyone wanted to play a super-foe on "Batman"--even Frank Sinatra tried to land a role--and people who hated or didn't "get" the show were astonished by the list of big-name guest stars lining up to be on it. Here, Latin romantic star Cesar Romero plays the treacherous trickster, the Joker, his trademark moustache covered in white greasepaint (he refused to shave it off!) 

Distinguished actor Burgess Meredith is delightful as the foul-feathered fiend, the Penguin, while well-known actor and impressionist Frank Gorshin goes nuts as the Riddler. Julie Newmar, who was busy filming something else at the time, is replaced here by the equally statuesque Lee Meriwether as the felonious feline, Catwoman. The scenes with all four of them together in their secret waterfront lair or in Penguin's submarine are sparked with manic intensity and unrestrained nuttiness as these actors get to ham it up without any of the usual restraints.

There's a story floating around somewhere, but it isn't really important. The villains kidnap a guy named Commodore Schmidlapp (Reginald Denny) in order to obtain his new invention that dehydrates people into powder so they can make off with a group of United World ambassadors and somehow end up ruling the world. Who cares? It's all just an excuse to have fun.

Highlights include: Batman on a rope ladder below the Batcopter with a rubber shark hanging from his leg ("Robin! Hand me down the Shark-Repellent Batspray!"); Batman scrambing all over the waterfront trying to find a safe place to discard a huge bomb he's carrying, but surrounded by nuns, mothers with baby carriages, and baby ducks ("Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb!"); Batman scolding a Pentagon offical over the phone for selling a war surplus pre-atomic submarine to a Mr. "P.N. Guinn", who didn't even leave his full address; and a long sequence involving Batman's alter ego, millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne, on a date with a Russian reporter named Miss Kitka, who is really Catwoman. 

Bruce becomes deliriously smitten with the lovely Miss Kitka, and the screen practically drips with romantic cliches that are played so relentlessly straight by Adam West that the result is almost excruciating.

Of course, since the TV series always featured a nail-biting cliffhanger every week, the movie is filled with certain-death situations for Batman and Robin. We also get to see the famous Bat-climb, and we're finally shown how Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson, always leap onto the Batpoles in their street clothes but end up at the bottom in full costume. ("An instant costume-change lever!" I remember thinking as a kid. "So that's how they do it!")

On the downside, the movie gets a bit draggy in spots, and the ending isn't exactly what I'd call a big pay-off. I've always been disappointed by the opening titles as well--no supercool "Batman Theme", no cartoon Batman and Robin POW-ing their way through a horde of evildoers. There's even a lame-joke foreword that betrays the mock seriousness of the whole concept. But most of the time, BATMAN:THE MOVIE is a colorful rush of nostalgic fun that raises pure, straight-faced Bat-silliness to a level rarely experienced by anyone who isn't huffing nitrous oxide. TO THE BATPOLES!

 

BATMAN: THE MOVIE (1966) -- Movie Review by Porfle

Lon Chaney's Live TV Blunder on "Tales of Tomorrow: Frankenstein" (1952)(video)

(Originally posted on 1/29/18)

When the television series "Tales of Tomorrow" presented their 1952 live adaptation of "Frankenstein", Lon Chaney played the Monster.

Unfortunately, he thought the live show was a final rehearsal. So instead of smashing the prop furniture, he picks it up and gently sets it back down.

(Later, perhaps as punishment, John Newland shoots him well below the belt.)

After discovering his mistake, Chaney was mortified. But otherwise, it's a perfectly good performance.


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material. Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!

Lon Chaney's Live TV Blunder on "Tales of Tomorrow: Frankenstein" (1952)(video)

BLOODLUST! -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 2/15/14

 

I've never seen BLOODLUST! (1961) get the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment, but it would certainly seem like a suitable subject.  It's cheap, somewhat sub-par in most production aspects,  not overly well-written, and, suffice it to say, a bit silly at times.  And the fact that Robert Reed plays the lead teenage hero is, by itself, enough for a buttload of "Brady Bunch" jokes.

(In one scene, the bad guy shoots a ceramic horse with a crossbow and shatters it.  The horse--wouldn't you know it--looks almost exactly like the one in the Bradys' livingroom.  Hence the line "Mom always said, don't shoot crossbows in the house" simply writes itself.)

The thing is, though, once you get past the TEENAGE ZOMBIES vibe of the opening minutes (two flaky teenage couples discover a heretofore unknown island and romp merrily into the clutches of the evil recluse who owns it), the film rises above its potential Jerry Warren-level awfulness and approaches the relatively higher quality of FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER--which was directed by BLOODLUST!'s cinematographer, Richard E. Cunha--or perhaps even Ray Kellogg's minor classic THE KILLER SHREWS. 

Wilton Graff (LUST FOR LIFE, LILI) helps lend gravitas to the proceedings as Dr. Albert Balleau, former military sniper who now continues his passion for hunting humans on his private island and is delighted to have such fit new specimens to grace his trophy room.  Johnny (Reed) and his nerdy pal Pete (Gene Persson) get to be the designated prey, while their lucky girlfriends, pretty blond judo expert Betty (June Kenney, EARTH VS. THE SPIDER) and jittery Joan (Jeanne Perry), face induction into Dr. Balleau's Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Femmes. 

Also giving the film a leg-up in quality are first and only time director Ralph Brooke's brother Walter--the insanely-prolific character actor who would gain screen immortality with the single word "Plastics" in 1967's THE GRADUATE--as reluctant Balleau cohort Dean, and the equally-familiar Lilyan Chauvin (SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, PREDATOR 2) as Balleau's beautiful but miserable wife Sandra.  She and Dean are secret lovers who dream of escaping the island together, which now seems doable with the help of the four captive teens.  This plan works out about as well as you might expect, as long as you keep your expectations nice and low.

Bad movie lovers will enjoy the low-rent look of the interiors of Dr. Balleau's mansion (although the jungle sets and rock-walled trophy room aren't half bad) and relish the sight of young Robert Reed all puffed up in a tight T-shirt while giving his character the same easygoing suavity  and mild horndoggishness that he would later ooze as Mike Brady.  He also adopts his familiar fatherly tone in dealing with his more weak-willed pals Pete and Joan, who prove rather useless during the whole ordeal. 

The more capable Betty, meanwhile, gets to use her judo skills when she flips an oncoming henchman into a vat of acid, which, through the magic of cutaway editing, disintegrates him nicely.  BLOODLUST! is generally pretty gory at times for 1961, especially when Pete and Joan observe Balleau's chief lackey Jondor (Bobby Hall) arranging dismembered body parts to be stuffed for the trophy room. 

Jondor himself emerges from  a pit of quicksand later on with a host of live leeches squirming on his face, one of the film's lovelier images, and the whole thing ends with one of the cast skewered on wall spikes as blood gushes freely.  But somehow, perhaps due to the above-average cast taking the whole thing seriously, the film doesn't exude nearly the kind of lurid, H.G. Lewis-type aura it might have.

The DVD from Film Chest has a 4 x 3 aspect ratio with original mono sound.  No subtitles, but scrolling closed-captioning is available.  No extras. 

Touted as an "HD restoration from 35mm film elements", it still has some rough spots--particularly during the main titles and reel changes--along with occasional specks throughout the entire film.  Still, this print looks way, way better than the ragged PD copy I have on a Mill Creek collection, and is generally pretty nice-looking.  (Stills used for this review are not taken from the Film Chest restoration.)

While this modest (to put it mildly) reworking of THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME isn't exactly riveting, it remains fairly entertaining from start to finish and I had a good time watching it.  The mood is effectively morbid, the jungle hunt sequence sufficiently suspenseful, and the ending particularly satisfying.  If you're the kind of person who has a sweet tooth for flicks like TEENAGE ZOMBIES, FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER, and THE KILLER SHREWS, then BLOODLUST! may actually belong in your very own trophy room.

BLOODLUST! -- DVD Review by Porfle

CHILD'S PLAY (Blu-Ray) -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

(Originally posted on 10/11/09. Blu-Ray comments by Ian Friedman.)

 

The last time I saw CHILD'S PLAY (1988) was right after its original VHS release, and I wasn't very impressed at the time. But watching it again for the first time in over twenty years, I'm now of the opinion that this movie is a real hoot.

For those of you who are unaware of the premise, here's the short version: a psycho killer named Charles Lee Ray (Brad Dourif), at the moment of his death, uses black magic to transfer his soul into a "Good Guy" doll--similar to the old "My Buddy" dolls for boys--which is then purchased by Karen Barclay (Catherine Hicks) to give to her little boy Andy (Alex Vincent) for his sixth birthday. The doll, "Chucky", comes to life, kills Andy's babysitter Maggie (Dinah Manoff), goes after a former accomplice who double-crossed him (Neil Guintoli), and then sets his sights on Detective Norris (Chris Sarandon), the cop who killed him and is now investigating Maggie's death. Worst of all, Chucky has discovered that he has the power to transfer his soul into the body of Karen's son Andy, who becomes the killer doll's final target.

Director Tom Holland, who gave us that other modern classic FRIGHT NIGHT (also with Chris Sarandon), doesn't dwell much on violence or gore and gives us just a few cursory nods to the horror genre. Instead, much of CHILD'S PLAY is directed like a tense, 80s-style cop movie with a revenge-crazed killer on the loose who just happens to be an animated doll. Some of the suspense sequences, such as Maggie's murder, remind me of something out of an old Clint Eastwood or Charles Bronson flick. And one scene in which Chucky attacks Detective Norris in his car is pure action-movie stuff, with the out-of-control speeding car crashing through barriers and throwing off sparks as it scrapes against walls.

Chucky himself, as voiced with evil relish by Brad Dourif, is an awesome character. All manner of animatronics, puppets, midgets in suits, and camera tricks are used to convince us that the malevolent doll is alive. Nowadays, of course, they'd just take all the fun out of it by doing the whole thing up with CGI, like George Lucas eventually did with Yoda. Yawn.

The edge-of-your-seat finale takes place in the Barclay apartment, as Chucky goes after Andy with the intent of stealing his body while Karen and Norris try to stop him. This is a harrowing sequence that had me giddy with suspense even as I was groaning at some of the hokier elements (the gun's jammed?) that Holland shamelessly tosses into the mix. At one point, when it looks like the end for Chucky, the little boy gets to deliver an Arnold Schwarzenegger-sized zinger that almost had me howling with laughter. The kid pretty much nails the line, too.

My only complaint is the same one that I recall having back in '88--the ending is one of those "he's dead...he's not dead" things that they used to drive into the ground back in those days. But the whole thing is just so much fun that I didn't really care. Plus, Holland manages to maintain interest during this scene even when he's teetering over the top.

Catherine Hicks gives a really intense performance as Karen, and I just have to say that I find her really likable for some reason. As Detective Norris, Chris Sarandon is his usual cool self, and Alex Vincent does a great job as the cute little kid, Andy, mainly because he is a cute little kid. Neil Guintoli (MEMPHIS BELLE) doesn't get to do much, but his character has some nice hair for a change. Dinah Manoff as Maggie is cute and funny as usual.

The new 2-disc BD/DVD combo from 20th-Century Fox/MGM Home Entertainment is 1.85:1 widescreen with English DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 and 2.9 audio plus Spanish 5.1 and French 2.0. Subtitles are available in English SDH, Spanish, Portuguese, Chinese, Korean, and French. The image looks great for what was a low-budget horror film, with vivid and properly balanced colors. You can even seen the wires used to make a character fly back during one explosion. There is no sign of any digital encoding errors. The detail displayed by the film is also excellent.

All these years I thought I didn't like CHILD'S PLAY, when all I really needed to do was to get reacquainted with it. Now that it's a couple of decades old and I've begun to feel nostalgic for that era in filmmaking, it has a whole new appeal for me. Besides, it's just a really fun movie.

Buy it at Amazon.com

CHILD'S PLAY (Blu-Ray) -- DVD Review by Porfle

Four Werewolves In One Episode Of... "THE RIFLEMAN"! (video)

 

The episode entitled "The Mind Reader" (S1 E40, 1959)...

...has three guest stars who had appeared or would appear as werewolves.

Michael Landon played the lupine lead in "I Was A Teenage Werewolf" (1957).

Steven Ritch was the title terror in the previous year's "The Werewolf" (1956).

And John Carradine would howl it up in the 1981 Joe Dante classic "The Howling."

This episode is a real werewolf triple-header!

Oh, and the fourth werewolf?

Chuck Connors himself, who co-starred in Fox TV's "Werewolf" (1987)!


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!

Four Werewolves In One Episode Of... "THE RIFLEMAN"! (video)

ONE STEP BEYOND: THE OFFICIAL FIRST SEASON -- DVD Review by Porfle

 Originally posted on 9/15/09

 

 

Two wonderfully strange television series premiered in 1959. One was Rod Serling's "The Twilight Zone", an anthology that placed normal people into fantastic circumstances that usually involved some kind of ironic twist. The other, which arrived ten months earlier, was also an anthology, and its characters also found themselves in weird situations that were often tinged with irony. 

 

But unlike "Twilight Zone", which was brimming with fanciful situations, imaginary creatures, and science-fiction elements, "One Step Beyond" drew its inspiration from actual accounts of the supernatural which were claimed by the host, John Newland, to be true. 

 

Eschewing the pure fantasy elements of Serling's show, one of the strengths of "One Step Beyond" was the feeling it instilled in the viewer that they were watching something that not only could happen, but could happen to them. Newland constantly reminds us of this in his framing narrations throughout the 22 episodes found in the 3-DVD set, ONE STEP BEYOND: THE OFFICIAL FIRST SEASON. His dignified, rational demeanor lends additional credence to the incredible stories of supernatural phenomena which he relates with such calm conviction and wry confidence. 

 

These tales run the gamut from ghost stories to psychic phenomena and all manner of unexplained occurrences in between. Some, such as "Twelve Hours to Live", stretch their premises a bit thin and don't offer much in the way of surprise or suspense. We know that when Will Jansen (Paul Richards) is trapped in his wrecked car on a deserted construction site and begins crying for help that his wife Carol (Jean Allison) will somehow sense his peril and come to the rescue. The trouble is, it takes her half an hour to do so and the situation gets tiresome pretty quick. 

 

"Echo", with Ross Martin as a man just acquitted of his wife's murder who foresees his own death in a mirror, not only doesn't go anywhere but it doesn't really make much sense, either. Another story whose twist is telegraphed long in advance and then takes forever to arrive is "The Aerialist", with Mike Connors ("Mannix") as a trapeze artist driven suicidal with guilt after he drops his father during the family's act. Still, the young Connors is interesting in the role, and the fact that his faithless wife is portrayed by schlock-film goddess Yvette Vickers is a definite plus. 

 

 

Any quibbles I might have are minor in comparison to the wealth of entertainment value contained in this set. The premiere episode, "The Bride Possessed", gets things off to a chilling start with the great Skip Homeier as a newlywed whose bayou-born wife (Virginia Leith, a fine actress best known as "Jan in a pan" from THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE) suddenly starts speaking in an unfamiliar voice and acting like an entirely different person. Skip soon discovers that she's been possessed by the ghost of a woman whose unsolved murder was ruled a suicide. 

 

"Emergency Only" is of interest since it features Marlon Brando's sister Jocelyn as a psychic who warns a skeptical man of the impending disaster that he'll encounter should he board a particular train. In "Epilogue", recovering alcoholic Charles Aidman awakens to find his estranged wife Julie Adams (CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON) frantically beckoning him to the site of a mine cave-in which has trapped their young son--and in which she herself was buried beneath tons of rock. 

 

"Premonition" is the strange tale of a budding ballet dancer (soulful child actress Beverly Washburn) who adamantly refuses to enter a room after foreseeing her own death beneath a falling chandelier.

Something about this show--whether it was John Newland's assured direction (he helmed all 22 first season episodes and many more), the well-written scripts, or the scintillating subject matter--seemed to inspire several of the guest stars to deliver outstanding performances. 

 

In "The Devil's Laughter", familiar character actor Alfred Ryder is fascinating to watch as a condemned man who must be released after numerous attempts to hang him result in inexplicable failure. (Lester Mathews of WEREWOLF OF LONDON co-stars.) Genre sweetheart Luana Anders is marvelously effective in "The Burning Girl", in which she plays a firestarter whose fits of fear and anxiety prove dangerously combustible. "Get Smart" star Edward Platt plays her father. 

 

"The Vision", about a group of WWI soldiers court-martialed for throwing down their weapons after witnessing a heavenly apparition, boasts a strong ensemble cast including Pernell Roberts (sans toupee'), Bruce Gordon, H.M. Wynant, and Richard Devon. Maria Palmer is heartrending as a lonely wife who finally finds a little romance and affection from a man who isn't there (via a Ouija board) in "The Secret." And Patrick Macnee, not yet one of "The Avengers", is a man whose new wife (Barbara Lord) is having terrible nightmares about their upcoming honeymoon cruise on the grand new luxury liner Titanic in "Night of April 14th." 

 

The best episodes combine moving human drama with situations that are truly unsettling and sometimes downright creepy. One of my favorites is "The Dead Part of the House", featuring another fine ensemble cast. Philip Abbott is a grieving widower moving into a large old house with his sister Joanne Linville (the Romulan commander in the Star Trek episode "The Enterprise Incident") and his young daughter whom he has woefully neglected in his grief. Played by charming child actress Mimi Gibson, the little girl soon discovers that one of the upstairs bedrooms is still occupied by three previous tenants who become her playmates. The only thing wrong with this is--they're dead. Philip Ahn of "Kung Fu" also stars as their wise servant, Song. 

 

 

More eerie encounters with the restless dead include "The Haunted U-Boat", with Werner Klemperer ("Hogan's Heroes") as an unwilling passenger on a German sub that's bedeviled by an unknown entity pounding on the hull to be let in. "Image of Death" is the story of a husband who murders his wife with the help of his lover, only to find that a strange stain on the wall is beginning to resemble the screaming countenance of his dead wife. And "The Navigator" is a seafaring ghost story with Don Dubbins and Robert Ellenstein as a First Mate and Captain whose vessel is steered off-course by a stowaway (Olan Soule) whose body later turns up among the wreckage of a ship that lies along their altered course. 

 

Some of the other notable faces that turn up during the course of the season are Walter Burke (getting to play something besides a leprechaun for a change), Cloris Leachman, Ben Cooper, Sandy Kenyon, Ann Codee (THE MUMMY'S CURSE), Douglas Kennedy, William Schallert, a dark-haired Patrick O'Neal, Reginald Owen, Skip Young, BLADE RUNNER screenwriter Hampton Fancher, Wesley Lau, Doris Dowling, Percy Helton, Sandra Knight, Warren Stevens, Barry Atwater, Jon Lormer, and Robert Webber. 

 

The image quality is very good (in beautiful black-and-white) except for some occasional rough patches. Aspect ratio is 4.3 full-screen with Dolby Digital 2.0 sound. Extras include an extended version of pilot episode "The Bride Possessed", a TV promo, the original Alcoa Aluminum opening, and the cheesy 1990s version of the main titles sequence seen on the Sci-Fi Channel. There's also a brief audio interview with writer Don Mankiewicz, whose account of scripting the episode "Epilogue" casts some doubt on the veracity of these stories--according to him, the producers had temporary dibs on a standing mine tunnel set, and needed him to whip up a story to go along with it! 

 

Rather than wielding a sledgehammer of shock and sensation, ONE STEP BEYOND: THE OFFICIAL FIRST SEASON is filled with the kind of spine-tingling campfire tales that get under your skin and make it crawl. So the next time you're in a spooky mood, this is just the thing for some late-night viewing with the lights off.

ONE STEP BEYOND: THE OFFICIAL FIRST SEASON -- DVD Review by Porfle

16 WISHES -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 11/13/10

 

When you're considerably older than the target audience, watching a Disney Channel teen comedy can be like swallowing a golf ball.  At worst, you choke on it and die.  At best, even successfully swallowing the damn thing can be a distressing experience.  Fortunately, 16 WISHES (2010) isn't quite the painful ordeal I was dreading when I sat down to watch it.

It sure starts out that way, though--when we see Abby (Debby Ryan, "The Suite Life on Deck") pop out of bed and start freaking out because it's her "Sweet 16th" birthday, we instantly hate her.  Abby is spoiled, selfish, obnoxious, cutesy, and kind of an airhead.  She's rude to her mom and dad and little brother Mike (Cainan Wiebe, who looks so much like a young Barry Williams that I half-expected him to start crooning "Clowns never laughed before" at any moment) when they burst into her room with a birthday cake, and throws them out. 

She also can't figure out why her cute neighbor Krista (Karissa Tynes, JENNIFER'S BODY, DEAR MR. GACY), who shares the same birthday, hates her and has always done her best to one-up her in everything.  But we can sympathize, and we've only known Abby for five minutes. 

Naturally, Abby has a best guy-friend named Jay (Jean-Luc Bilodeau, TRICK 'R TREAT) who has always loved her although she doesn't realize it because she's hung up on the dashing school quarterback.  Jay is the male equivalent of Mary Stuart Masterson's character in SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL, along with similar characters in countless other teen comedies.  We know that by the end of the film, Abby will realize how wonderful Jay is, but for now let's pretend that we don't know that.
 

Also, when a magical fairy godmother named Celeste (the pixie-like Anna Mae Routledge, 2012, "Harper's Island") shows up and gives Abby sixteen candles which will grant her the sixteen fondest wishes she's had since she was eight years old, we know that sooner or later these wishes will backfire on Abby and she'll come to realize that her life is just fine the way it is.  But again, for now we'll act like we don't know this, or that Abby is going to come through her impending ordeal a much better person with a greater appreciation for the good things she already has, which is the sneaky hidden lesson 16 WISHES is just itching to spring on unsuspecting teen viewers.

In the meantime, the fun part about the movie is the vicarious thrill of instant wish-fulfillment such as having the coolest clothes, a new car complete with driver's license, intense school-wide popularity, and all sorts of other great stuff that Abby can rub in Krista's face, including having a totally better Sweet 16 birthday party than her.  But then--wouldn't you know it--Abby makes the fatal mistake of wishing that everyone would stop treating her like a kid.  Whoops!  Next thing you know, her parents move her into her own apartment, she gets thrown out of school, and Jay won't let her near him because he's still 17 and she's suddenly (gasp) 21.  Is he nuts?  When I was 17, having a 21-year-old babe stalking me would've been my biggest freakin' wish.
 

The rest of the movie is like a teenybopper cross between "The Twilight Zone" and IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, which actually makes 16 WISHES kind of entertaining despite the fact that it's still a candy-coated bubblegum flick with unappealing cinematography and vertigo-inducing camerawork and editing.  While Abby isn't made to suffer the depths of despair that George Bailey went through, her predicament is still interesting enough to make us care about her character, especially when the whole thing teaches her to become a better person which, as I mentioned before, we pretty much knew was going to happen.

The DVD from Image Entertainment is 1.78:1 with Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound.  No subtitles.  Extras include interviews with the two stars, Debby Ryan and Jean-Luc Bilodeau, which can be a pretty frightening prospect with these Disney Channel movies, but fortunately they're very brief.  There's also a music video with Debby performing the catchy, hook-filled theme song, "A Wish Comes True Everyday", and outtakes during the closing credits.

Once you stop wishing for a really awesome movie and just settle for dumb fun, 16 WISHES isn't all that bad.  As far as swallowing golf balls goes, this one actually went down pretty easy.

16 WISHES -- DVD Review by Porfle

THE HARDY BOYS: THE MYSTERY OF THE APPLEGATE TREASURE -- Serial Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 8/26/21

 

Currently watching: THE HARDY BOYS: THE MYSTERY OF THE APPLEGATE TREASURE (1956), a 19-part serial produced by Disney to be shown in daily installments (approx. 11 minutes each) during consecutive episodes of "The Mickey Mouse Club."

This adaptation of Leslie McFarlane's book "The Hardy Boys: The Tower Treasure" should appeal to fans of the Hardy Boys detective stories by Franklin W. Dixon (a pen name for a stable of largely uncredited writers hired by the Stratemeyer Syndicate publishing company), which debuted in 1927 and remained popular for several decades.

Those who are nostalgic for the kind of clean, wholesome family entertainment created by Disney in the 50s and 60s should also derive great satisfaction from this modest but appealing preteen-oriented serial, filmed mostly on elaborately-rendered soundstage sets depicting the Hardys' entire neighborhood, the Applegate estate, and other Bayport locations.

 

It's just the sort of thing to feed into the adventure fantasies of young boys of the era: Frank and Joe Hardy, sons of famous private detective Fenton Hardy, live in the picket-fence suburbs of the small, mostly quiet town of Bayport, but yearn to be detectives like their father and join him in solving mysteries.

But their father, who's often away from home because of his job, doesn't approve of such dangerous doings, and neither does their spinster Aunt Gertrude, who lives with them and keeps a tight rein on the boys.

Despite this, however, Frank and Joe manage to sneak away from the house often enough to get involved in the mystery of eccentric old Silas Applegate and the fortune in pirate gold that's said to be hidden somewhere on his property, perhaps even behind the wall of a crumbling old tower that looms over his estate, and is sought after by a range of unsavory types.

 

 

In order to appeal to young viewers of "The Mickey Mouse Club", Frank and Joe are a year or so younger here than in the books, their ages ranging from about 12-14. The older Frank is played by Tim Considine, already popular from Disney's "Spin and Marty" series, and the role of younger, more impetuous Joe is the official debut of new Disney star Tommy Kirk, whose considerable acting skills are apparent in his often intense and frenetic performance.

Frank and Joe are typical, identifiable boys for that era, with their flattop haircuts, T-shirts, jeans with the cuffs rolled up, and sneakers--ideal role models to stimulate the vivid imaginations and wish fulfillment fantasies of Disney's young audience.

For female viewers, there's the Hardys' friend Iola Morton, who has a desperate crush on the girl-hating Joe and manages to get herself involved in all the boys' adventures.  Iola is brought to vivid life by the cute-as-a-button Carole Ann Campbell, who had a regrettably brief film and TV career before losing interest in Hollywood and moving on. 

 

Fenton Hardy's character is somewhat changed from the books. To me, he was always a distinguished, quietly dependable and capable Hugh Beaumont type. Here, Russ Conway brings him to the screen as a rather frumpy, almost seedy private detective who lacks empathy with his boys and fails to realize their potential as his successors until it is demonstrated to him.

Oddly, the TV show omits Mrs. Hardy and gives us their Aunt Gertrude (Sarah Selby) as a sort of surrogate mother, considerably softening her literary image as a nagging harridan (I always pictured her as a stern Edna Mae Oliver type). This was done with the belief that it was more acceptable for the boys to disobey their aunt than their mother when sneaking out to pursue their detective work.

The story itself takes its own sweet time unfolding over the series' 19 chapters, as the Hardys deal with crotchety old Mr. Applegate (Florenz Ames), his burly caretaker and plumber Jackley (Robert Foulk), wrongly-accused reform school refugee Perry Robinson (Donald McDonald), and slippery, mischievous ex-convict Boles (Arthur Shields, brother of actor Barry Fitzgerald who appeared with him in John Ford's THE QUIET MAN).

 

Boles may have knowledge of the treasure's whereabouts, Jackley may be crookeder than he seems, cutlass-wielding old Applegate is possibly quite mad, and the whole affair stretches out in unremarkable but quite pleasant fashion until finally Frank and Joe cut through the murky mystery with their burgeoning detective skills and solve the whole thing in a moodily-photographed final chapter that puts them in a modest amount of actual danger.

I don't know if today's kids would have the patience, the desire, or even the ability to get carried along by this kind of low-key, unsensationalistic entertainment. I hope they do, lest they miss something that's actually quite rare and wonderful in its own way. For me, "The Hardy Boys: The Mystery of the Applegate Treasure" is sweet, soulful nostalgia in its purest and most potent form.

 

THE HARDY BOYS: THE MYSTERY OF THE APPLEGATE TREASURE -- Serial Review by Porfle