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Monday, April 28, 2014

SSI: SEXY SQUAD INVESTIGATION -- DVD review by porfle



(NOTE: This review originally appeared online at Bumscorner.com in 2006.)

Remember how a lot of cheap porn movies tried to be comedies, and between the old in-out, in-out scenes there would be embarrasingly lame attempts at humor by people who had absolutely no comedic skills, or acting ability in general?  You don't?  Uh, me neither.  Heh...I never watched movies like that. 

But it's a sure bet that those movies would've been a heck of a lot funnier if Thomas J. Moose and Andy Sawyer had made them, because their SSI: SEXY SQUAD INVESTIGATION (2006) is a scream.

Of course, this isn't a porn flick--there's nothing here that you couldn't see in the latest issue of Playboy, or at least Penthouse.  But the emphasis is on T & A, and there's plenty of it.  There are some really hot women in this movie.  One quick shot of a gorgeous black actress named Lexi Martinez reclining naked on a couch almost made me choke on my bean burrito.  "HOOO-LY SH**!" I cried, hastily grabbing for--the remote control.  (What did you think I was going to say, Mr. Dirty Mind?)

There are several other moments in SSI that are similarly inspirational, though these scenes are pretty brief.   Since this movie is as much a comedy as it is a gawkfest, the sex stuff isn't allowed to drag on to the point of boredom like it does in porn films.  Or so I've heard. 

However, the keepcase contains a coupon you can send in, along with three dollars postage, to receive an "unrated" version in which, I would assume, these scenes are much longer and more...uhh..."useful."  If you're a PERVERT, that is!

The story, such as it is, takes place in New York, although most of it was shot in Manchester, England, with actors valiantly struggling to simulate American accents with wildly varying degrees of success.  The guy who plays President Shrub (Frank Bowdler) sounds about as Texan as Leslie Howard, and his cowboy hat looks more like a pimp hat.  But it doesn't matter, because he's funny. 

President Shrub's decree that all sex outside the bonds of holy matrimony is now illegal necessitates the formation of the titular Sex Squad, who tirelessly peep around corners and through windows trying to catch perps in the act of "gittin' it on."

SSI agent John Honeysuckle (John Paul Fedele) is haunted by memories of the day his partner and brother Mickey (director Thomas J. Moose) was accidentally shot in the head by a farmer as they were spying on some sex-criminals while disguised as a pantomime horse.  This is the first of several laugh-out-loud scenes in the movie. 

Another is when Agent Honeysuckle is gazing at his new partner, Officer Katrina Lightbody (the lovely, flourescent-eyed A.J. Khan) while she examines some evidence.  The camera slowly pushes in on her as she picks up a cheerleader's pom-pom in slow motion, and the close-up of Honeysuckle's lovestruck face informs us that he's having a feverish fantasy.  He's imagining her dressed as a cheerleader, right?  No, he's imagining himself dressed as a cheerleader. 

Later, when he has another flashback about his former life as a welder who dreams of being a dancer, Fedele's goofily energetic spoof of Jennifer Beals in FLASHDANCE is a howl.  And then there's Honeysuckle's Viet Nam flashback, where a grenade went off in his lap and blew his balls off, and they landed in "Oozedick" Kawalski's mess kit, and...

Anyway, Honeysuckle and Lightbody's investigation of a mysterious woman who is going around seducing people into illegally having sex with her leads them to uncover a sinister plot that is directed at the President himself, and his virginal daughter, Jessica (Natalie Heck). 

But that's about as much of the story as I need to yak about, since it's really just an excuse for one comedy bit after another.  Much of this is similar to stuff like Mr. Show or SCTV, with generous helpings of Benny Hill thrown in.  There are a few slow spots along the way, but heck, even BLAZING SADDLES has a few slow spots. 

The commentary track features Thomas J. Moose (I wonder if he's any relation to Bullwinkle?) and Andy Sawyer, but I could only get through about half of it because almost everything they start to say is cut off by cries of intense pain.  For some reason they decided to play an old Victorian parlor game that administers electric shocks while talking about the movie, so the commentary sounds pretty much like this:

"So, these shots were taken in Manchester, and John Fedele, who stars in the movie as 'Honeysuckle', shot all the New York material, and we found that--AAAAGGGGHHH!!!"

"In fact, there were a couple of streets in Manchester that we used a couple of times, you'll see one later...in fact, there it is GAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!  BASTARD!!!"

Along with a short blooper reel and some trailers, the DVD also contains a thirty-minute short called FBI GUYS, which is a black-and-white mock episode of a 50s-type cop show that won "Best Program" in the 1992 USA Hometown Video Awards, whatever that is, and it's also hilarious.

No, this isn't a Woody Allen film, and it's not likely to pass within range of Roger Ebert's eyeballs any time soon, but SSI: SEXY SQUAD INVESTIGATION is brimming with babes and it's cheap, stupid, and funny.  As Major Kong might say, "a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff."

Buy it at Amazon.com
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