CAESAR AND OTTO'S DEADLY XMAS -- Movie Review by Porfle

(Originally posted on 8/28/12)


When we last checked in with those wacky half-brothers Caesar and Otto, they were frantically eluding the bloody clutches of a serial killer in CAESAR & OTTO'S SUMMER CAMP MASSACRE and trying not to get sued by the Prince of Darkness himself in CAESAR & OTTO MEET DRACULA'S LAWYER.  Now, with CAESAR AND OTTO'S DEADLY XMAS (2012), even "the most wonderful time of the year" becomes a nightmare of horror and hilarity for our dauntless dim-bulbs.

Directing his own screenplay (from a story co-written with Joe Randazzo) in his usual frenetic and wildly inventive style, indy auteur Dave Campfield once again stars as "effete tough guy" Caesar Denovio, a whirling dervish of cowardly aggression who fancies himself a great actor even though he bungles even the tiniest bit parts (such as "Waiter" or "Background Pedestrian").

Caesar constantly bullies and beats up on his much larger but mild-mannered half-brother Otto (Paul Chomicki), an unemployed "sponge" living in Caesar's apartment.  Together, Campfield and Chomicki form a comedy team that harkens back to such classic duos as Abbott & Costello and Ren & Stimpy, but with their own amusingly unique style.

Several elements from SUMMER CAMP MASSACRE are carried over here, including Caesar and Otto's quest for employment leading them into the manipulative clutches of the deceptively pleasant Jerry (Ken MacFarlane), who now heads an evil organization called XMas Enterprises.  Caesar gets to display his bad-acting chops again, this time failing his audition to play Santa due to a childhood trauma caused by crazy Grandpa Denovio (a hilarious cameo by Troma's Lloyd Kaufman).

There's a road trip complete with endearingly bad (if not impossible) process shots, along with another of Caesar's BABY JANE-style attacks on Otto as they compete for the same acting role.  The suspenseful climax recalls that of the previous film, with Caesar, Otto, and their dad Fred in grave peril at the hands of Jerry and his minions.

One of the most delightfully funny new wrinkles in DEADLY XMAS is when Caesar gets the chance to write, direct, and star in his very own low-budget horror film (financed by XMas Enterprises) which, of course, is a disaster.  "Hand-hold it, the shakier the better!" he says gleefully during one scene.  "That's, like, never done in independent films!"

 

Other returning castmembers include Robin Ritter as Nurse Helen, Avi K. Garg as the plucky Drew (who remains upbeat even though he keeps losing his arms and having them reattached), Scott Aguilar as Caesar and Otto's no-good but lovable dad Fred, Summer Ferguson as Otto's boyhood love interest Allison, Keith Bush as the Caesar-hating chief of police, Dawn Burdue, Jen Nikolaus, and Derek Crabbe. 

Felissa Rose (SLEEPAWAY CAMP), Martin Sheen's brother Joe Estevez, and scream queens Brinke Stevens and Debbie Rochon make their customary cameo appearances, while Linnea Quigley plays Caesar's crabby agent Donna and recreates her celebrated death scene from 1984's SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.

Felissa's husband Deron Miller, who had a much smaller role in SUMMER CAMP MASSACRE, plays Santa-clad serial killer Demian, a crazed lackey of XMas Enterprises who becomes fixated on our heroes and starts killing off everyone on the "called to cancel" list for Caesar's annual Thanksgiving feast (which features pretzel sticks, popcorn, and toast on picnic plates).  Demian's axe-wielding exploits supply the film with most of its over-the-top comedic gore, aside from a dream sequence in which a mortified Caesar gets drenched from head to toe in the red stuff while Santa dismembers Otto with a chainsaw.

Once again, Dave Campfield is able to overcome a rock-bottom budget simply by means of creative directing, camerawork, and editing (the latter is especially good), along with sound design and a hyperkinetic pace which recall classic theatrical cartoons.  In addition to this, the cast is brimming with talented performers rather than, as in so many low-budget features, a bunch of nitwits thrown together on the cheap.  There's a lot of good comic acting going on here, with each castmember seemingly inspired by the project.

This is especially true in regard to Campfield himself, who, given the right resources, has (in my opinion) the potential to develop into one of the sharpest and most visually creative comedy filmmakers working today.  While still suffering from a lack of polish that a decent budget would solve, his "Caesar and Otto" series has its own distinctly warped slapstick style and sensibility in the same way that, say, the Zucker Brothers' comedies do.  I'm not saying Dave Campfield is the next Buster Keaton, but I think ol' Stone Face might've gotten a few good laughs out of CAESAR AND OTTO'S DEADLY XMAS.

caesarandotto.com

Caesar & Otto’s Deadly Xmas--Fun Facts and Trivia

Story: With the holiday season approaching, Caesar and Otto find themselves employed at X-Mas Enterprises Inc., where a disgruntled employee wearing a Santa suit has begun a killing spree, and has appeared to have found himself the perfect patsies.

Cast: Dave Campfield, Paul Chomicki, Deron Miller, Ken Macfarlane, Summer Ferguson, Brinke Stevens, Scott Aguilar with special appearances from Lloyd Kaufman, Felissa Rose, Debbie Rochon, Joe Estevez and Linnea Quigley.


Trivia

The film is part spoof of 1984’s Silent Night, Deadly Night, and features many direct homages. Most notably, Linnea Quigley being impaled upon antlers.

Lloyd Kaufman’s appearance is a direct spoof of an opening scene from Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984).

Deadly Xmas is a sequel to Caesar & Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre, which lampooned “Sleep away Camp” (1983). Summer Camp featured Felissa Rose in a role that parodied her Angela character from the original.

Deron Miller, who portrays Demian in this feature, was lead singer of the hit rock group, CKY.

Deron Miller and Felissa Rose play husband and wife in the film. In real life they in fact are.

Neil Leeds is in fact a local Los Angeles celebrity known for his around the clock television ads as Leeds Mattress owner and spokesperson.

Preproduction has begun on the next installment, which will satirize both Halloween and the Paranormal Activity movies.

Intended to be a modern day throw back to the Abbott and Costello horror/comedy crossovers of yesteryear.

 

CAESAR AND OTTO'S DEADLY XMAS -- Movie Review by Porfle

Porfle's Movie Trivia #3: "A Christmas Story" (1983) (video)

In one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all time...

Ralphie's little brother Randy is an extremely picker eater.

But which food does he find especially revolting? 

I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!

 

Porfle's Movie Trivia #3: "A Christmas Story" (1983) (video)

Is It A Christmas Story? Read "LIVE FREELY OR DIE HARDLY" And Decide For Yourself!

Here's a couple of things a lot of people don't know about the classic Bruce Willis action flick DIE HARD.  

 

One, it really happened. Two, John McClane, the NYPD cop portrayed by Willis in the film, wasn't by himself during this amazing adventure because I, too, was there. That's right--I have totally been cheated out of my rightful place in cool action-movie history by being left out of that stupid movie. So now, at long last, I have decided to set the record straight and recount the thrilling details of my incredible exploits during the great Nakatomi Tower hostage crisis so that the world will have yet another reason to admire me for how awesome I am.




What happened was, I had gotten out of the elevator on the wrong floor during my search for the secret office of a fly-by-night back-alley bikini waxing technician named Wilbur Cranflanflan. I wasn't really interested in getting a bikini wax, but I'd just lost a bet with a friend of mine who insisted that there were only nine Bradys in "The Brady Bunch" (including Alice), while I was certain that there were at least five or six hundred.



I mean, who knew that they reused the same ones for every episode? You don't reuse the same hypodermic needle when you're giving out flu shots, and it seems only logical to me that the safety requirements for proper sterilization should extend to the individual Bradys as well. But apparently Sherwood Schwartz didn't share my concern, so, long story short, I was obliged to get a bikini wax from this Wilbur Cranflanflan, who, despite his silly name, had been highly recommended to me by my personal trainer, Biff.



As it turned out, I was in the wrong building anyway, but I noticed that there was a party under way when the elevator doors opened and, party animal that I was in my reckless youth, I quickly jumped in and started to mingle. People began staring at me right away, which I attributed to both my stunning good looks and the fact that I wasn't wearing any pants due to my impending bikini wax. "Please try to control yourselves, girls," I said modestly. "There's only one of me to go around." Wary of the growing sexual tension roiling within the female inhabitants of my vicinity, I slipped into an office and came face-to-face with Detective John McClane, who was walking around on the carpet barefoot, making fists with his feet. "Fists with your feet," he muttered with amusement.



I held up my right hand in the traditional Apache greeting. "How, Fists With Your Feet," I said. "My name is porfle, but my Native American name is 'Dances Like Jeff Goldblum.' Are you waiting to get a bikini wax, too?"



Suddenly, the sound of gunfire erupted from the main ballroom, followed by piercing screams! When I finally stopped screaming, McClane (as he preferred to be called, I discovered later) grabbed me by the collar and we ducked into a nearby stairwell. "Terrorists!" he cried. "I have to stop them!"



"And I have to find Wilbur Cranflanflan!" I added breathlessly as we ran upstairs to a floor that was still under construction. McClane paced around nervously, trying to decide what to do next, while I gaped in awe at all the cool power tools that were just laying around waiting for me to play with them. There was even an official orange hardhat for me to wear! I barely noticed when McClane picked up a nearby phone and started trying to contact the police, because I was in the process of hefting a massive circular saw that I'd just flicked on and was sawing my way through several stacks of expensive imported lumber along with various items of brand new office furniture.



"CONSTRUCTION WORKER PORFLE ON THE JOB!" I screamed in giddy delight over the ear-splitting din as the air was filled with billowing clouds of sawdust. Momentarily distracted by McClane's frantic attempts to make himself heard over the racket, I sawed my way right through one of those fancy boardroom tables and neatly bisected the telephone. McClane stood there dumfounded as the severed cord dangled from the receiver he was holding to his ear. But before he could thank me or whatever he was going to say, there came the sound of footsteps quickly approaching the room. It was the terrorists!



McClane dived under a table. "DUCK!" he shouted.



"WHERE?" I cried, glancing around. That's just what we needed in a fix like this, I thought--some stupid duck flying around!



At that moment, a huge, blonde German guy with a machine gun leapt into the doorway, his face twisted with rage. I wheeled around in surprise and let go of the circular saw, which flew across the room and landed right on the guy's foot. He barked in pain and started hopping around on his other foot, unleashing a stream of German cuss words that sounded even dirtier than the American ones, while McClane seized the opportunity to run up behind him and hit him over the head with a large potted plant. The German guy fell back against the wall and slid to the floor, the plant still perched decoratively on his head.



A sudden thought struck me. "Omigosh! What if THAT'S Wilbur Cranflanflan?"



McClane glared at me, trying to catch his breath. "Who the hell's Wilbur Cranflanflan?"



"He's the guy that this whole thing is all about!" I shot back, rolling my eyes. Then, while a puzzled McClane processed this information, I began to formulate a plan. We would crawl around in the air ducts and climb up and down the elevator shafts until we found a way to blow up the whole building, and then everything would be okay. I quickly relayed this plan to McClane, who gaped at me in sheer disbelief. I think my cool plan had totally astounded him!



Suddenly, a cruel but snidely sophisticated voice came from behind us. We spun around in unison to find a tall, dapper gent with a Van Dyke beard backed by a gang of vicious-looking henchmen with machine guns. "So," he said to McClane in an oily European accent, "you must be the 'cowboy' who has been running around trying to...how do you say it...'throw a monkey wrench' into my nefarious scheme."



McClane stood up straight and coolly met the man's gaze with an insouciant smirk. "And you," he said slowly, relishing the moment, "must be Wilbur Cranflanflan."



The man's smug look wilted. "No, I'm Hans Gruber," he said uneasily. "Who the hell is Wilbur Cranflanflan?"



"There," I volunteered, pointing to the unconscious guy with the potted plant sticking out of his head. "That's Wilbur Cranflanflan."



"No, he isn't," Gruber frowned. "That's my henchman, Karl."



"Well," I shrugged, "if it isn't you, and it isn't that guy, then it must be one of these other guys." I indicated the henchmen standing behind him. "Okay, which one of you guys is Wilbur Cranflanflan?"



The henchmen glanced around guiltily at one another for a few moments, then turned to Gruber and shrugged. "We're not sure, boss," one of them admitted.



"What do you mean, 'you're not sure'?"



"Well," he said sheepishly, "we don't know what this Cranflanflan guy looks like, and--"



"Okay, wait," Gruber said, waving them off with an impatient look. "I am becoming tired of this game." He pointed at me and McClane. "Kill them both. Now."



They all raised their machine guns. This was it. I had to think fast.



"FOOD FIGHT!!!" I screamed.



In the momentary confusion that settled over the group, I grabbed what appeared to be a picnic lunch bag out of Gruber's hands and began to throw its contents at them. "Yippie-ki-yay, melon farmers!" I cried. Hans Gruber recoiled, eyes wide with terror, as the bag's contents came flying straight toward him.



"MY DETONATORS!" he shrieked.



The explosion took out the entire floor and blasted every window on all four sides of the building to smithereens. Black smoke churned from the gaping blast holes while shattered glass rained down on the street below. The shock wave could be felt for several blocks.



By some insanely unlikely freak of scientific happenstance, I was totally unharmed by the blast. Some physics professors refer to this rare phenomenon as the "Sub-Atomic Shield of Stupidity", while others blame it on an ancient Mayan curse passed down through the ages by living mummies. As for McClane, the explosion blew him into an air duct, which he had to crawl around in for several hours until he finally fell down an elevator shaft.



Hans Gruber and his henchmen, of course, were declared missing and presumed dead--that is, until they turned up a few years later in the small town of Miller's Crotch, South Dakota, delivering singing telegrams in gorilla suits. They all had amnesia and remembered nothing of their former lives save for the mysterious name "Wilbur Cranflanflan", the mere mention of which sent them screaming hysterically up trees and down manholes.



Anyway, you can see how markedly different Hollywood's version of the events is from what really happened. They added a lot of stuff to make it more exciting, but more importantly, they totally ignored my daring and heroic actions during the crisis. The only explanation that I've been able to come up with is that they simply couldn't find anyone great enough to play me in the movie. One good thing did come out of it, though--after miraculously surviving the explosion, I no longer needed that bikini wax. 

 

Is It A Christmas Story? Read "LIVE FREELY OR DIE HARDLY" And Decide For Yourself!

UGLY SWEATER PARTY -- Movie Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 11/25/18

 

I don't usually do this, but I'm going to leave it up to IMDb to describe UGLY SWEATER PARTY (2018) to you.

"An ugly sweater party turns into a bloodbath when an evil Christmas sweater possesses one of the partygoers." There, that's it!  I'm outta here!

Okay, not really, but that's a pretty concise summary of this movie for starters.  After that, writer-director Aaron Mento simply piles on as much graphic gore, extreme gross-out humor, and unbridled sacriledge as can be heaped like a ton of bird droppings onto a low-budget 81-minute horror comedy.

Going into more detail: horny but shy Cliff (Charles Chudabala) and his comically (?) crude friend Jody (Hunter Johnson) drive deep into the woods after receiving an email invitation to an "ugly sweater party" from two sisters, Samantha and Susan, whom they previously sorta had sex with at another party. (The first time we see Jody, he's in the john shaving his nads, and that's one of the more tasteful scenes.)

When they get there, however, they discover that they're in a backwoods Bible camp and that the girls, since born again, just got baptized that day. Their parents are total weirdos, especially their horny mom, Mrs. Mandix (Felissa Rose, SLEEPAWAY CAMP, DARK CHAMBER, CAESAR & OTTO'S SUMMER CAMP MASSACRE), and the girls are still pretty flaky, so the guys hang around in hopes of still getting laid.

What they don't know is that the ugly sweater that Cliff stole from a roadside drifter is haunted by the evil spirit of dead serial killer Declan Rains (Sean Whalen, LAID TO REST, ALL SUPERHEROES MUST DIE, THE FP), and before long the possessed Cliff will be trying to stab, strangle, and chainsaw everyone in sight, including a passel of secondary characters who are so obnoxious that we can't wait for it to happen.

Overall, the film is like a Robin Williams stand-up routine in that it keeps launching oozing gobs of hit-and-miss humor at your face until, if you're like me, you just want to start batting it away with a cricket bat.

Add to that enough splattery mayhem to keep gorehounds in seizures of bliss and the less discerning viewer will stay well occupied until fadeout.

Finally, the sacriledge quotient of this film is off the charts, so if that bugs you (as it does me), you're going to find UGLY SWEATER PARTY about as much fun as dental work without novacaine.  And if  in addition to that, you also despise death metal (really, this flick seems to have it out for me),  then you're going to hate the fact that this movie has a death metal band and it plays a whole lot of, yes, death metal.

But if you and those no-good friends of yours get off on all that vile, repellant stuff, then this is the movie to watch during your next keg party or mutual toenail clipping circle or whatever.

In fact, I can imagine certain people jumping up and down with joy and leaping out of windows due to their extremely positive reaction to the utter, unrestrained crudeness (which, surprisingly, is very nicely shot with several sweeping aerial views and other drone-camera effects) and gleeful offensiveness generated by this cinematic affront.

There's also some nudity (mostly hairy guys), some death-ray carnage from an ousted groundskeeper out for revenge against Mr. and Mrs. Mandix, and some other assorted amusements.

So if you're like me, you're going to enthusiastically refrain from wholeheartedly endorsing UGLY SWEATER PARTY, but if you're not like me, you're just as likely to think it's the most delightful film you've seen all afternoon.  Choose wisely!

UGLY SWEATER PARTY -- Movie Review by Porfle

STAR TREK: BEYOND -- Blu-ray/DVD Review by Porfle

 Originally posted on 11/22/2016

 

Often I'll like a movie better upon repeat viewing, but rarely have I gone from "disappointed" to "delighted" as drastically as I did during my second look at STAR TREK: BEYOND (2016). 

The trouble is, the darn thing is just so dense, so packed full of action, dialogue, special effects, etc. which are all edited together like a Tsui Hark movie but without the light-fingered finesse.  To be honest, I missed so much of the story details and subtleties the first time around that much of what I saw seemed like a jumbled mess. (Plus, Zachary Quinto's Spock wig looks pretty bad this time.)

Not so upon second viewing, one free of the need to decipher the plot points that go sprinting past in competition with the constant barrage of sound and fury and motorcycles and demolition derbies with starships instead of jalopies.  (The wig still looks bad.)

 

 All of which, by the way, is fantastic and at times a bit staggering.  There's one sequence about twenty minutes into the film, in fact, that's so blazingly, heart-poundingly catastrophic for the Enterprise and its crew that it's pretty hard for the rest of the movie to top it--which it never quite does.  But it tries, bless its little dilithium crystal heart.

With this, the third installment in the Abrams-verse reboot (with its all-new altered timeline that keeps us from knowing what will happen next) Chris Pine's Captain James T. Kirk and crew have been out there on that five-year mission for almost three years and this Kirk, who didn't grow up with a father's guidance and is still maturing and feeling his way through life right before our eyes, finds the whole deep space experience repetitive and boring (or as he puts it in meta terms, "episodic.") 

But an alien woman's distress cry for help to rescue her stranded crew on a planet deep inside an uncharted nebula sends the Enterprise on a mission that will give Kirk more excitement and danger than even he could bargain for.  Not surprisingly, this involves yet another alien bad guy out for revenge, this time against the entire Federation for reasons we'll discover after lots of fighting and shooting and starships going boom.

 

Idris Elba guest stars as bad guy Krall, who resembles the reptilian villain from the sci-fi spoof GALAXY QUEST (which this movie resembles in other ways as well).  Krall wants a device in Kirk's possession and will do anything to get it because it's vital in his plan to destroy an entire Federation space outpost known as "Yorktown" which is home to millions of intergalactic citizens.

My favorite new character is the endearingly plucky Jaylah, played by Sofia Boutella who will be the title character in the upcoming MUMMY reboot. Here, Sophia looks great as an albino with long white hair and elegant ebony facial markings.  As another stranded prisoner of Krall's hostile planet, Jaylah forms a special bond with Simon Pegg's "Scotty" and supplies the Enterprise bridge crew with something vital: a derelict ship (her "house" as she calls it) that might, with Scotty's expert help, be coaxed into flight once again.

Each of the main characters is allowed ample screen time.  John Cho's Sulu, of course, gets to be the new "gay" character in the series, even though Sulu has always previously been hetero.  (Even George Takei is adamant on this point.)  It's not such a big deal, though--we see him greet his little daughter Demora in Yorktown and put an arm around his male partner (director Justin Lin), and that's it.

Spock and Uhura (Zoe Saldana) have their first lovers' spat, with an amicable yet painful breakup.  Anton Yelchin, tragically gone from us now, offers his charming interpretation of Ensign Chekov one last time.  And upon the main three--Kirk, Spock, and "Bones" McCoy (Karl Urban)--the script dotes with disarming fondness.

For action fans, STAR TREK: BEYOND kicks plenty of intergalactic ass both on the planet, where Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, Chekov, and Uhura must rescue their captured shipmates from Krall and his army, to the Yorktown space-city itself once Krall launches his all-out attack involving thousands of prickly little drone ships that swarm like bees and utterly obliterate whatever they descend upon.  All of this goes by fast and furious, so this is where that second viewing comes in handy.

Speaking of which, director Lin of the "Fast & Furious" films does his best to emulate J.J. Abrams while not quite capturing a certain candy-counter, toy-store, Christmas morning kind of essence his predecessor seemed capable of injecting into these films. In my review of the first STAR TREK reboot I described it as a "grandly entertaining cherry-red fire engine of a space flick", something Lin doesn't quite pull off.

Still, he does a capable job and manages to keep the series on a high level.  What seems most problematic for many Trek fans, in fact, is that there's so much action effectively dominating the proceedings that no time is left either for meaningful character interaction or contemplation of the deep, intellectual themes Gene Roddenberry was known for in his original vision of the "Star Trek" universe. (At least in hindsight.)

As for the former, I think these films contain a wealth of terrific character interaction, highly meaningful little moments that occur at scattered points throughout each installment in the series, some lighthearted and frivolous (old philosophical adversaries Spock and Bones get several choice exchanges), some deeply moving (such as Kirk's ruminations on his late father and how different are their career paths and goals as Starfleet captains). 

The latter, I admit, is pretty accurate--these films aren't always that thematically profound.  But neither was every episode of the original series.  And this is a brash young version of the Enterprise crew, impatient to go out there into that last frontier and raise some hell.  They don't want to stop and take the time to be all that thoughtful and contemplative, nor do they have as much life experience to be all that thoughtful and contemplative about.

There are different kinds of Star Trek and they don't all have to be alike.  This is Action "Star Trek."  For a change of pace, it suits this long-time Trekker just fine.

The 2-disc Blu-ray/DVD combo from Paramount Home Media Distribution contains a Blu-ray disc with the movie and special features, a DVD with the movie, and a code for downloading a digital HD copy of the film.  The Blu-ray disc contains a gag reel, deleted scenes, and the following featurettes: "Beyond the Darkness: Story Origins"; "Enterprise Takedown: Destroying an Icon"; "Trekking Into the Desert: On Location in Dubai"; "To Live Long and Prosper: 50 Years of Star Trek"; and tributes to the late Leonard Nimoy and Anton Yelchin. 

STAR TREK: BEYOND is brand-spanking new and scintillatingly different, yet filled with welcome echoes of the past (there's a particularly poignant Spock moment, and an ending which recalls STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME in a big way).  With this latest entry in the rebooted series, what's old is new again, and I love warping off into the final frontier with this young crew that's so bursting with promise for the future.

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STAR TREK: BEYOND -- Blu-ray/DVD Review by Porfle