BEHEMOTH -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 3/24/11

When a SyFy original movie has the words "worldwide destruction" in the synopsis, you can pretty much bet you're going to hear about it more than see it, with most of the action taking place in a centralized location with occasional dollops of bad CGI.  In BEHEMOTH (2011), the location is a mountain community in the wilds of Canada, and the CGI dishes up one of the goofiest monsters this side of REPTILICUS.

A rash of earth tremors and some mysterious deaths have the citizens of Ascension on edge, including concerned geologist Emily Allington (Pascale Hutton, GINGER SNAPS: UNLEASHED) and government agent Jack Murray (Ty Olsson, "Defying Gravity").  A lovable, quasi-senile old professor, William Walsh (William B. Davis, who was Cancer Man on "The X-Files"), believes that the ravaged Earth has dredged up a mythical beast to purge itself of Mankind as it sometimes does whenever we get too destructive with our global warming and whatnot. 

Ed Quinn ("Eureka") makes a pretty stalwart hero as logger Thomas Walsh, William's son and Emily's old boyfriend, who ends up guiding Jack up the quake-prone Mt. Lincoln in search of some vital equipment left behind by two missing agents.  Naturally, Emily insists on going along, and, even more naturally, Thomas' headstrong younger sister Grace (Cindy Busby, "Heartland") and her dopey boyfriend Jerrod (James Kirk) are camping out on the same mountain.
 


The behemoth, it turns out, is so big that it practically wears the mountain like a backpack and can flex its enormous CGI tentacles for miles.  Just as the romantic Jerrod picks the perfect moment to hit a knee and propose to Grace (thus marking himself for death), a giant eyeball pokes out of a hole in the rock wall and peers angrily at the two lovebirds.  Their reactions are somewhat comical as they scamper off down the mountain screaming "What was that!  What was that!" as a tentacle makes a grab for them.  This would probably be a good time to mention that some of the acting and dialogue in this flick aren't quite up to par.

Meanwhile, Thomas and Emily are having their own tentacle problems as they search for Jack's missing equipment, which turns out to be an anti-behemoth weapon.  We know exactly what they're going to do with it, too, because it's foreshadowed in the most obvious terms possible by one of William B. Davis' early lines.  Speaking of which, Professor Walsh and his waitress friend Zoe (Jessica Parker Kennedy) get trapped in a diner that's gone down a sinkhole and has tentacles sliding past the window like city buses.
 


The screenplay takes its time slowly building up to the action until finally it's time for the cameramen to start shaking their cameras around and the characters to start freaking out while the behemoth lobs its appendages at them.  As Professor Walsh works his tired old bones to a frazzle trying to rescue the infuriatingly-stupid Zoe, the big finale features the behemoth sticking its giant, roaring head out the top of Mt. Lincoln while tentacles writhe around it.  This is a sight that will either stupify viewers or have them rolling on the floor in bad-movie delight. 

The DVD from Vivendi is in widescreen with English Dolby Digital 5.1 sound.  Closed-captioned for the hearing impaired.  No extras.

BEHEMOTH is the kind of monster movie that used to run on a drive-in double bill before turning up years later on "Mystery Science Theater 3000."  If you can appreciate bad movies of recent vintage in addition to the finely-aged ones, you'll probably find it a somewhat enjoyable viewing experience.  If not, however, you should follow the advice of the town sheriff and evacuate the area around Mt. Lincoln as soon as possible. 

BEHEMOTH -- DVD Review by Porfle

FEROCIOUS PLANET -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 7/1/11

About halfway through the TV-movie FEROCIOUS PLANET (2011), star Joe Flanigan brings viewers who have joined the film in progress up to speed:  "This is a hell of a day...a science experiment goes wrong, sticks us in a monster-filled parallel dimension with six hours to get home."  Viewers looking for something really good to watch immediately switch channels, while those of us with nothing better to do stick around and are mildly entertained for awhile.

If you catch the movie from the beginning, it doesn't take long to see that this entry in the SyFy Channel's "Maneater" series is one of those bad-CGI "monster of the week" flicks that they seem to churn out like sausage these days.  Alternately lighthearted and lightheaded, it at least manages to rise above its much stupider brethren by avoiding, for the most part anyway, the farcical and ridiculous.  Even so, this is hardly ever more than just a bunch of people in the woods running away from some fake-looking monsters.

Joe Flanigan plays a wrongly-disgraced Army colonel now doing security work in a lab where Dr. Jillian O'Hara (Dagmar Döring) and her nervous assistant Brian (Robert Soohan) are demonstrating their new invention to a skeptical senator (John Rhys-Davies with a really bad accent) and the President's science advisor, Dr. Karen Fast (Catherine Walker) in hopes of securing more funding.



Sort of a parallel-worlds viewer, the machine malfunctions and sends the group, along with part of the building they're standing in, into one of those hostile worlds filled with large creatures who want to eat them.  With only six hours to fix the device and return home, they must venture into the woods to find fifty gallons of water to power it (I didn't catch why) while avoiding the jaws and claws of numerous hungry whatsits.

Filmed mostly in the woods in Ireland, FEROCIOUS PLANET plays kind of like one of the more run-of-the-mill episodes of "Stargate: Atlantis" with Flanigan pretty much doing his Lt. Colonel John Sheppard character.  The humor is weak ("We're gonna need a bigger boat!" Flanigan incongruously quips upon first sight of a big creature) as is most of the other dialogue. 

Direction and camerawork are bland, while the performances are competent enough.  I liked Catherine Walker as Dr. Fast, whose dedication to scientific discovery compels her to set off on her own toward a distant building in hopes of meeting extraterrestrial beings.  What happens to her is pretty much the only thing in the whole movie that I cared anything about.
 


The rest of the story is your basic "fix the machine in time to get back home before the monsters get us" stuff, with various supporting characters periodically snuffing it in semi-gruesome ways.  This usually involves CGI gore, which isn't real gore like they had back in the good old practical-effects days so it has little dramatic effect.  The creatures come off okay in closeup, but for the most part they're so artificial-looking that they constantly took me out of the movie.

The DVD from Vivendi Entertainment is in widescreen with English Dolby 5.1 sound.  No subtitles, but does feature closed-captions.  There are no extras.

As a made-for-TV creature feature, FEROCIOUS PLANET isn't one of the worst I've ever seen but it definitely doesn't come close to being one of the best.  While watchable and even kind of fun at times, it isn't something I'd go out of my way for.

FEROCIOUS PLANET -- DVD Review by Porfle

SGU: STARGATE UNIVERSE 1.5 -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

 Originally posted on 7/29/10

 

If you read my review of the first half-season of "SGU: Stargate Universe", you'll know that I liked it a lot but had certain reservations about it.  Judging from various message board posts and such, I'm sure many viewers felt the same way.  Fortunately, the release of SGU: STARGATE UNIVERSE 1.5 proves what I'd been hoping for--that the previous episodes were slowly leading up to a marked increase in the action and excitement levels of the show and that certain irritating aspects would be eliminated.  Which is exactly what has happened, barring one or two exceptions.

As before, a number of military and civilian personnel are stranded on a city-sized Ancient starship that's on a seemingly neverending journey through the cosmos, stopping for a few hours whenever it encounters a planet with a stargate and then jumping back into faster-than-light speed.  With Colonel Young (Louis Ferreira, DAWN OF THE DEAD remake) in command, the entire group is under military control, which leads to constant conflicts with the brilliant but unstable Dr. Rush (Robert Carlyle, THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH) and civilian leader Camile Wray (Ming-Na, ER). 

The professional and personal relationships between them and the rest of the ship's inhabitants generate much of the show's dramatic interplay, including a love triangle between true-blue soldier Lt. Matthew Scott (Brian J. Smith), fish-out-of-water senator's daughter Chloe Armstrong (Elyse Levesque), and the lovestruck Eli (David Blue), a neurotic nerd-savant hijacked into service because of his mad gaming skills.  Alaina Huffman plays Lt. Tamara Johansen, the closest thing to a medic on the ship, who carries some pesky romantic baggage with Col. Young.  And then there's Sgt. Greer (Jamil Walker Smith), who's so gung-ho that he seems to relish the thought of occasionally blowing away a civilian or two just to keep them in line.

The first half of the season spent a lot of time setting up the premise and then meandering along with stories about the hazards related to their mysterious starship and the heartbreak of being away from home while trying to find love among the stars.  But now that the writers have worked some of this stuff out of their systems, the show has gotten into gear and started kicking some ass.  With the appearance of a new race of enemy aliens--spindly blue CGI-generated creatures who covet our heroes' Ancient starship--we finally get some cool space battles (as always, the special effects are gorgeous) and deadly shipboard encounters.  Also, the military vs. civilians conflict embodied by Young and Rush erupts into a full-scale mutiny in one of the season's best episodes. 

One of the main improvements is the absence of those damn Kino diaries, which offered characters the chance to philosophize, navel-gaze, and blubber away precious show time with a blatant and boring writer's convenience.  The formula was pretty much the same every time--the subject fiddles with the Kino camera ("Is this on?"), starts to record a personal diary entry, gets either teary and emotional or speechless with inner turmoil, and then slaps their hand over the lens.  It was one of the worst aspects of the show and to my great relief has now been confined solely to the extras menu where it belongs.  However, we must still contend with the frequent appearance of those contemplative montages set to some truly awful emo ballads.  These really need to get sucked into a black hole along with the Kino diaries.

As usual, Robert Carlyle is the main on-camera talent here and makes the abrasive Dr. Rush a continually fascinating character whom we're never quite sure whether to admire or distrust.  Some insight into his backstory give us a little more understanding of his motives and attitudes.  Louis Ferreira's soulful, haunted Colonel Young holds our interest by going against the "infallible leader" type, playing a commander whose decisions may not always be 100% correct and are often swayed by emotion.  Watching these two characters either butt heads or struggle to cooperate for the good of the crew is one of the best things about the show. 

As the dreaded season cliffhanger (I hate those) draws nigh, Young's suspicion that his arch-enemy Colonel Telford (a solid Lou Diamond Phillips) is a mole for the Lucian Alliance leads to Dr. Rush undertaking a highly perilous undercover mission in Telford's body via the communication stones.  Rhona Mitra makes for a very formidable villain as the ruthless Commander Kiva, who has located another Icarus base and is attempting to dial the elusive ninth chevron.  The story arc which follows combines the pulp sci-fi action and suspense of the other Stargate shows with SGU's own darker edge, culminating in a blazing stargate invasion of the ship, a hostage crisis, and a countdown to total destruction, among various other points of interest.

 
The three-disc set (10 episodes) from 20-Century Fox and MGM is in 1.78:1 widescreen with English 5.1 Dolby and Spanish Dolby surround.  Captions are in English, Spanish, and French.  Each episode features a cast and crew commentary.  Extras also include about fifteen "Destiny SML" featurettes and several Kino diaries.  (Blu-Ray contains additional extras.)

With SGU: STARGATE UNIVERSE 1.5, the idea of mixing the sci-fi fun and excitement of the earlier Stargates with a darker, more serious sensibility--something which the first half of the season didn't quite pull off--seems to have finally started realizing its potential and yielding some first-rate episodes.  And suddenly the future of this show is well worth looking forward to.



For additional coverage, click here.

SGU: STARGATE UNIVERSE 1.5 -- DVD Review by Porfle

SGU STARGATE UNIVERSE 1.0 -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 2/15/10
 

 

Having somehow managed to avoid every single previous film and TV incarnation of "Stargate", I delved into the 3-disc DVD set SGU STARGATE UNIVERSE 1.0 (2009) not knowing quite what to expect. After a marathon viewing of all ten episodes (which constitute the first half of the first season), I find that while it isn't mindblowingly awesome, it's still a compelling start with the potential for greater things.

Fans of the saga up till now will know all this, but for us novices: billions of years ago, a race of aliens known as "The Ancients", from whom we are descended, built a series of ring-shaped portals called "stargates" which use wormholes to allow intergalactic travel. Having discovered one of these stargates on another planet, Earth scientists and military have been trying to unlock the "dial-up" code which will access the stargate's transportation function. But just as they do so, Icarus Base is attacked by hostile aliens known as The Lucian Alliance and all military and civilian personnel are forced to escape through the stargate to an unknown destination seconds before the planet explodes.

After their chaotic arrival, they find themselves on an immense, automated starship built long ago by the Ancients, which is speeding through hyperspace billions of light years from Earth for some unknown purpose. The ship, it turns out, slows down whenever it approaches a planet with a stargate, giving the crew a specified time to explore the planet and gather whatever materials they need from it before the ship automatically jumps back into hyperspace. Damage from some long-ago battle has made repair of its life-sustaining functions imperative, and as the passengers struggle to survive they also must deal with interpersonal conflicts and the uncertainty of ever being able to return home.

I like a good "spaceship exploring the cosmos" series and this one is shaping up pretty well so far. Not much has been done with the stargates as of yet--the crew only visit two or three planets in this set--but there's more than enough stuff going on aboard the Destiny to keep things hopping. As is often the case in sci-fi, the military and scientific factions frequently have heated disagreements over their priorities and there's a constant power struggle between stalwart Colonel Everett Young (Justin Louis) and the brilliant but arrogant chief scientist Dr. Nicholas Rush (Robert Carlyle), with the hapless civilians caught in the crossfire.

Carlyle, a fine actor who played a formidable Bond villain in THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, makes Dr. Rush a fascinating character whose motives we're never quite sure of. At times he seems to place more importance on research and discovery than on preserving the lives of his shipmates, and some suspect that their presence aboard the Destiny may even be his doing. As his nemesis Colonel Young, Louis brings a soulful intensity to the role which has made him one of my favorite actors since he played Sarah Polley's ill-fated husband in the remake of DAWN OF THE DEAD. The interplay between these two solid actors makes for some of the show's best moments.

Among the military characters are Young's second-in-command, the troubled but heroic Lt. Scott (Brian J. Smith), hotheaded but dependable Sgt. Greer (Jamil Walker Smith), and cowardly, rage-stoked loose cannon Sgt. Spencer (Josh Blacker). Back on Earth, the Destiny's progress is monitored with intense interest by Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill (an amiable Richard Dean Anderson) and Colonel David Telford (Lou Diamond Phillips at his best), who will try not only to usurp Colonel Young's command but, eventually, his lonesome wife as well.

The civilians include Ming-Na ("E.R.") as Camile Wray, a human resources executive who thinks she should be in command, Alaina Huffman as plucky and wise medical officer Tamara Johansen, and David Blue as nerdy math genius Eli Wallace. Eli, recruited straight out of his mom's basement because he was able to break a vital stargate code imbedded into an online videogame, is the vicarious wish-fulfillment character for gamer geeks in the audience and alternates between being amusing and irritating. Another old favorite, Christopher McDonald, plays Senator Alan Armstrong, whose daughter Chloe (Elyse Levesque) finds herself the romantic interest of both Eli and Lt. Scott.

Proving of utmost importance to both the show's characters and its writers are the "communication stones", an Ancient device which allows the Destiny's passengers to temporarily swap bodies with certain Earth personnel. This makes way for a lot of emotional and sometimes soap opera-level scenes of Scott, Chloe, and Young, among others, sharing intimate moments with their friends and loved ones. Telford's body-swaps with Young pose a problem when he aggressively asserts his authority while aboard the Destiny and then later, during a momentary glitch in the transfer, finds himself having sex with Young's wife. (Oops!) The whole idea of someone inhabiting my body and then going off and having sex with people I don't know sorta gives me the willies anyway--who knows what you could catch?

These slow-burn stories are pretty leisurely-paced, with the only whiz-bang space-battle action taking place in the hectic first episode. However, I found them engrossing and often quite intriguing when not bogged down by unnecessary melodrama. In "Light", the ship is knocked off-course and is headed directly for a sun, which means that fifteen passengers must be chosen by lottery to escape in the shuttle while the rest face their impending doom. "Time" finds several of the main characters on a lush jungle planet where they are attacked--and killed--by vicious reptilian creatures, while the rest of the passengers start dying off due to a mysterious virus they've contracted there. (Okay, you know the main characters aren't really going to all die, but it's still an interesting episode.)

In "Life", Dr. Rush discovers a chair which may impart vital knowledge of the ship's functions to whomever sits in it, but only at great risk to his life (not unlike similar devices in FORBIDDEN PLANET and the ST:TOS episode "Spock's Brain"). "Justice", the final episode in the set, begins with one of the main characters shot dead and the gun being discovered in Colonel Young's quarters, leading to him losing his command and finding himself on trial for murder. A shocking revelation and an intriguing cliffhanger ending, with both Young and Rush apparently starting to lose it big-time, round out the set.

My main complaint about SGU STARGATE UNIVERSE is its tendency to grind to a halt in order to indulge in labored, overwrought melodrama, complete with maudlin plinky-piano music, which seems grafted onto the stories rather than contributing to their forward momentum. These detours from the main thrust of the plot are the sort of stuff you usually see under "deleted scenes" in the Extras menu and rightly so. One of the good things about a sci-fi show like BATTLESTAR GALACTICA is that it incorporates the interpersonal drama into the stories so well, something which SGU needs to work on in future episodes.

A major storytelling device which has its ups and downs is the floating camera sphere known as the "Kino", which is important to the crew for reconnaissance (it can be sent through the stargate to retrieve vital advance data) and surveillance, but which is also used by the writers to indulge in weepy, angsty diary entries by the Destiny's inhabitants. (As one IMDb commentator complains: "All they do is stand around on this dark dull boring spaceship moaning about stuff.") We get enough of that kind of soul-baring blather during Dr. Johansen's psych evaluation-confessionals, and all of this emo introspection justs gets to be too much after awhile.

Technically, the show is well-designed with some very nice fly-by shots of the Destiny streaking through hyperspace and a wealth of interesting though often underlit interior sets. Many of the ensemble scenes are directed with a documentary approach rather than the usual one-camera routine, allowing castmembers to use a looser and more theatrical acting style. Joel Goldsmith's music is a plus (except for the drippy plinky-piano stuff), although I could do without the emo-ballad montages.

The 3-disc DVD set from MGM and 20th-Century Fox is in 1.78:1 widescreen with English 5.1 Dolby Digital and Spanish Dolby Surround. Subtitles are in English, Spanish, and French. All episodes feature chatty commentary tracks with the cast and producers. Extras also include an extended version of the pilot "Air", conversations with the cast, numerous Kino diary entries and miscellaneous footage, and a helpful featurette for "Stargate" newbs entitled "Stargate 101: Presented by Dr. Daniel Jackson", which gives a basic history of the franchise.

SGU STARGATE UNIVERSE 1.0 lays the groundwork for what could be an exciting and provocative series that still has much room for improvement. I'll be looking forward to what's in store for us in the future, but for now, these ten introductory episodes provide a generous amount of thought-provoking sci-fi entertainment. Hopefully, the writers have a clear-cut destination in mind for the Destiny and for the show itself instead of trying to drag it out indefinitely--I'd hate to see it turn into "Gilligan's Starship."

Read our review of Season 1.5 here.

SGU STARGATE UNIVERSE 1.0 -- DVD Review by Porfle

MEGA PYTHON VS. GATOROID -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 6/17/11

 

Usually, a combination of the phrases "SyFy Original Movie" and "giant bad-CGI monsters" is enough to give me a severe case of the heebie-jeebies.  Especially if the movie they're referring to has a really dumb title.  Well, unbelievably enough, MEGA PYTHON VS. GATOROID (2011) is the rollicking, rip-roaring, and divinely ridiculous exception to that rule.   

The highlight is a blood-curdling death duel between two of the most horrifying monsters to ever walk the face of the earth.  I'm referring, of course, to 80s teen queens Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.  Debbie, who's gotten a bit wiry in her middle years but is still cute, plays eco-terrorist Nikki with loads of energy.  Tiffany, on the other hand, has filled out considerably since her younger days and, as Seminole State Park Chief Ranger Terry, marks off a few boxes on my fetish checklist with her generous figure, skimpy uniform, and sidearm.  (Sorry if that's too much information.)

When Nikki and her cohorts break into a lab and let loose a bunch of mutant pythons, they grow to gigantic proportions and start eating all the alligators, throwing the local gator hunters out of work.  This is fine with Nikki because she believes pythons belong at the top of the food chain, even if some of the lower links consist of bumbling park rangers, ill-fated fiancés, and comical rednecks.
 


Terry, meanwhile, has the bright idea of loading up a bunch of dead chickens with super-steroids and feeding them to the gators, thus bringing nature into balance again.  ("What's crazy about this--feeding steroids to gators?" she asks her partner, Angie.  "I mean, what could go wrong?")  The result is a horde of colossal alligator-monsters that feast on anything that moves.  Naturally, the pythons start eating their steroid-enhanced eggs and get even bigger, leading to mega-python vs. gatoroid pandemonium throughout the Everglades and eventually in the very streets of downtown Miami. 

Surprisingly, Roger Corman's name doesn't show up anywhere in the credits for this freaky flick.  Horror veteran Mary Lambert (PET SEMETARY, THE ATTIC) directs with a sure hand and keeps things moving at such a rapid clip that the story never has a chance to get boring.  The creature attacks are exciting, suspenseful, over the top, and even a bit nerve-wracking at times, despite the lighthearted tone and resolutely fake-looking CGI.




Willfully cheesy, this movie is positively frothy with deadpan comedy and campy dialogue.  Tiffany and Debbie get off to a good hostile start, nearly sideswiping each other on the road and growling "Bitch!" in unison.  Their environmentalist wacko vs. park ranger animosity is stoked throughout the film ("Looks like somebody had 'bitch' for breakfast!" Debbie taunts during their initial clash), building to the eventual catfight that pays off like a slot machine of fun.  When these legendary rivals go flying over a table during the fancy outdoor ball that Tiffany's throwing to raise money for the park, you can bet all those whipped cream-laden pies aren't just sitting there by accident. 

Another old fave, A Martinez (THE COWBOYS), plays Diego, a scientist who tries to convince the oblivious Terry that her park is becoming a human buffet for ravenous reptiles.  His skills as a pilot and demolitions expert will come in handy during the story's frantic climax, as Terry and Nikki join him in trying to lure the rampaging beasts out of the city and into a dynamite-laden deathtrap.  As Terry's elderly partner Angie, Kathryn Joosten has some of the best lines and delivers them with an exquisitely dry wit.  Ex-Monkee Micky Dolenz shows up at the fund-raising ball, upping the film's nostalgia value even more.



The DVD from Image Entertainment is in 1.78:1 widescreen with Dolby 5.1 surround sound.  No subtitles.  Extras consist of the film's trailer and a making-of featurette. 

Now, please don't take all of my giddy ravings as an indication that MEGA PYTHON VS. GATOROID is some kind of a great movie, because it isn't, of course.  But compared to all the other goofy "hybrid-creature" SyFy Channel flicks of its ilk that I've sat through recently, it's freaking CITIZEN KANE. 


Buy it at Amazon.com:
DVD
Blu-Ray

MEGA PYTHON VS. GATOROID -- DVD Review by Porfle

GHOST HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL SEASON ONE: PART 1 -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 5/20/10

I get scared walking down the dark hallway to my bathroom at night...especially after I've been watching something scary on TV.  So, needless to say, I only watched SyFy's GHOST HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL SEASON ONE: PART 1 in the daytime.  At first, anyway.  Eventually I got to where I was watching it later and later at night.  Not that it isn't spooky, because it is, but it isn't freak-me-out spooky.

This show is a spin-off of SyFy's "Ghost Hunters", and, according to some fan comments I've read, the new team is comprised largely of rejects from that and other shows.  I can only go by what I've seen here but in some cases I wouldn't doubt it.  (More on this later.)  Unlike the USA-bound "Ghost Hunters", the international version takes us to some truly fascinating locations around the world, where the supposed hauntings can date back several centuries.  This set focuses largely on the UK, in addition to scenic places such as Romania, Germany, and New Zealand, where the team gets to nose around in an awe-inspiring assortment of gloomy castles, citadels, and other medieval haunts.

After establishing the ghostly history of a location and setting up their equipment in the most likely spots, it's "lights out."  Imagine going to some of the scariest places on earth and creeping around in the dark all night, actually trying to wake the dead--I kept thinking, "What the hell's wrong with these people?  Are they nuts or what?"  There's a definite vicarious thrill to watching such a thing, imagining how it would feel to be chasing ghosts in Frankenstein's castle or hearing the growl of a devil dog in some pitch-black subterranean dungeon. 

Team leader Robb seems capable and level-headed enough, though a little humor-challenged and stiff.  Second lead investigator Andy refers to himself as the main debunker for the group, and due to his small size is often called upon to climb around precarious places or shinny through creepy crawlspaces with an admirable willingness.  In addition to coordinating the missions, these two meet with the caretakers of each location they explore and present them with the "evidence", or lack thereof, that they gather along with their pronouncement of whether or not a convincing case has been made for an actual paranormal presence.  (Those with a financial interest in the location's tourist-appeal are often visibly disappointed by a negative finding.)

The fact that Robb and Andy are as intent on discerning logical explanations for various anomalies as they are in declaring them "paranormal" adds to the show's credibility.  In one episode, the mysterious recurring aromas of cigar smoke and port wine are discovered by a hair-dryer-wielding Andy to be emanating from the furniture itself whenever it's warmed by the sun.  Strange noises, lights, and other unexplained events are often determined to be caused by any number of mundane things.  Entire segments of GHI, in fact, can consist more of debunking ghosts than encountering them, which some viewers may find boring despite the show's efforts to squeeze dramatic moments out of every creak, bump, shadow, chilly draft, tingly feeling, etc. 

Science guy Barry, an outgoing Irishman with a really bad soul patch, heads up the evidence evaluations.  He also tends to display the classic "feets don't fail me now" reaction to sudden ghostly activity.  Bantam rooster Brian is the "tech guy" in charge of the equipment, but his most notable trait is his confrontational style when dealing with spirits.  During their investigation of an opera house in New Zealand in which the architect is said to have committed suicide, Brian struts around like a twitchy street punk while shouting things like "Your theater sucks!"  I'm thinking that this may be one of the reasons Brian disappears from the show somewhere around episode nine.  His gangly, spikey-haired replacement, Dustin, known for wearing his visor cap upside-down and backwards, tends toward the dorky side but is less abrasive.

Case manager and local-history researcher Donna takes the opposite approach, settling in and spending forever gently and patiently asking questions such as "Do you like to knit or crochet?" to potential entities.  In one episode, this drives the jumpier and less-patient team member Shannon to fake Donna out by reaching around and banging on the wall behind her, leading to the show's first really classic "reality TV-drama" moment--Donna complains to Robb about Shannon's frivolous lack of devotion to their solemn mission and bad blood forms between the two which won't be resolved.  After a couple more episodes in which she clearly appears uncomfortable to be there, Shannon disappears from the show, leaving a triumphant Donna as Queen Bee until an unfortunate reoccurrence of Crohn's disease forces her to drop out.

While the team gathers reams of footage from both video and heat-sensitive cameras, we see little or nothing of the shadowy forms that often have them bug-eyed and breathless.  Most of the evidence comes from their ultra-sensitive sound recorders, which sometimes pick up what could be interpreted as human speech in response to their repetitive questions.  Occasionally a digital photo will reveal something that resembles a face if you use your imagination (which the team tends to do).  Needless to say, watching actual paranormal investigators methodically going about their jobs ain't quite the same as it is in POLTERGEIST.

Little in the way of conclusive evidence is ever found, although it's fun to watch the ghost hunters' reactions to what they call "personal experiences" such as being touched or hearing disembodied footsteps.  (The night-vision camera, which makes them all look like goggle-eyed albinos, gives everything an added element of eerieness as well.)  And the historic locations themselves, including the actual castle in which much of the silent horror classic NOSFERATU was filmed, are fascinating to explore under such ominous conditions.

The 3-disc DVD set from Image Entertainment has an aspect ratio of 1.33:1 with Dolby Digital stereo.  Discs one and two contain four episodes apiece, while disc three has the remaining three episodes and over an hour's worth of deleted and extended scenes.  The packaging is a tad inconvenient, as the discs are stacked on one hub and secured in place by a removable screw.  There are no subtitles or closed-captioning.

Hardier souls who laugh at the thought of ghosts and go traipsing around in dark, spooky places as though it were nothing will probably regard all of this with a derisive chuckle while simply enjoying the scenery.  But if the very idea of real-life hauntings chills your blood as it does mine, then GHOST HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL SEASON ONE: PART 1 should give you a pretty hefty case of the creeps. 

 

GHOST HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL SEASON ONE: PART 1 -- DVD Review by Porfle

GHOST HUNTERS ACADEMY -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 1/17/13

My first experience with this franchise was the DVD set "Ghost Hunters International Season One: Part 1", which was pleasant enough except that in the first few episodes it looked like they were aiming to include the usual reality TV-type interpersonal intrigue, back-biting, etc. rather than straight ghost-hunting, which I feared would get old fast.  Thankfully, they dropped that angle early on.

Unfortunately, GHOST HUNTERS ACADEMY jumps into all that with both feet and wallows around in it.  Image Entertainment's 4-disc DVD collection of this two-season spin-off series (2009-10), which lasted for only twelve episodes, is the standard elimination-style competition (a la "Survivor") in which contestants for a spot on "Ghost Hunters" are not only evaluated for their performances after each session but goaded into revealing who they think should be given the axe at episode's end.

It's like "Ghost Hunters" with a mean streak, with host-instructors Steve Gonsalvez and Dave Tango--mere second stringers on the main show--coming off like a couple of bullying, know-it-all doofs who have suddenly been given too much authority.  They seem to thrive on putting the earnest, nervous contestants on the spot and making them sweat ("WHY did you place a camera where NO VISUAL ACTIVITY has been reported?  WHY?") or lavishly berating them for not performing to their own elevated standards. 

Familiar locations are revisited, such as Eastern State Penitentiary in Philadelphia, Shawshank Prison, the creepy Waverly Hills Sanatorium, Colorado's Stanley Hotel (the inspiration for Stephen King's "The Shining"), and, my favorite, the Buffalo Central Terminal where the indy horror flick PRISON OF THE PSYCHOTIC DAMNED was shot.  The investigations seem rather cursory this time, however--there's no reveal to the site's host, only a caustic evaluation by Steve and Tango of the contestants' grievous failings. 

In fact, it occurred to me somewhere around episode five or six that there hadn't been a single convincingly paranormal event in the entire series thus far, besides those in "Ghost Hunters" flashbacks.  The episode titles themselves tell the story, pointing out the emphasis on personal drama rather than eerie encounters: "Web of Deceit" (referring to one contestant's failure to disclose her psychic abilities), "The Honeymoon's Over", "Back to Basics", "Drama Queen", "The Blame Game", and so on. 

Episode seven introduces a new group of hopefuls and a slightly new format in response to what were probably less than stellar ratings.  TAPS (The Atlantic Paranormal Society) co-founder Jason Hewes comes on to help whip the show into shape and the "cadets" as they're called seem more down-to-business.  But the "Survivor" template is adhered to even more closely, with everyone dishing the dirt on everyone else as bad feelings and grudges are encouraged. 

This second stage of the series does seem to get a little more into the "spirit" of the investigations, so to speak--there seems to be a bit more paranormal hoo-hah going on in these episodes.  But there's also a lot of boring down time, with a giggling Steve and Tango playing practical jokes on the contestants that are ostensibly meant to "test" them but come off mainly as simple pranks of the kind that are an anathema to this kind of show.

It's almost disheartening to hear the contestants' interview segments in which they speak excitedly about joining the GH team and becoming bonafide paranormal investigators, only to see them get bogged down in this superficial show's uninteresting machinations.  (The fact that we already know the second season's winner--since he's a part of the regular "Ghost Hunters" team already--eliminates much of the show's suspense as well.)
 
The 4-disc DVD set from Image Entertainment is in 1.78:1 widescreen with Dolby stereo sound.  No subtitles.  Disc four consists of several deleted and expanded scenes. 

There's no joy or catharsis when the final winner of GHOST HUNTERS ACADEMY is announced, only the feeling that we've just been through a lot of unpleasant rigamarole for nothing.  With the lack of paranormal activity throughout most of these episodes, you also get the distinct impression that the spirits themselves didn't consider the series worth showing up for.

Buy it at Amazon.com

GHOST HUNTERS ACADEMY -- DVD Review by Porfle

SHARKTOPUS -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 3/3/11

 

"Dumb" has a new name, and that name is SHARKTOPUS (2010).  This highly-rated SyFy Original Movie, produced by legendary filmmaker Roger Corman and his wife Julie, will either make you giddy with bad-movie excitement or leave you utterly stupified.  Maybe even both.

After the success of DINOSHARK, SyFy contacted Corman about doing this film as a follow-up.  As he relates in the commentary, he initially turned it down because, while "dinosharks" might conceivably have existed in prehistoric times, the idea of a half-shark, half-octopus just seemed a little too farfetched.  (Unlike, say, giant crab monsters.)  He eventually gave in, on the condition that the creature be a product of genetic engineering rather than a freak of nature. 

Thus, we have scientist Nathan Sands (Eric Roberts) and his daughter Nicole (Sara Malakul Lane), whom he affectionately refers to as "Pumpkin", creating the dreaded Sharktopus for the military.  Pumpkin naively hopes Sharktopus will be used for good, but her sneaky dad has designed it to be a ruthless killing machine, which it demonstrates when its electronic restraints are damaged during a test and it starts eating people all up and down the coast of scenic Puerto Vallarta.  With the Navy breathing down his back, Sands hires fun-loving aquatic mercenary Andy Flynn (Kerem Bursin) to reel the big fish in and bring it back alive.
 


With this set-up quickly established, the film now treats us to an endless series of Sharktopus attacks with lots of tourists getting snared by the creature's tentacles right there on the shore and dragged into its toothy maw.  Several of these kills begin with an establishing montage of festive beach images and ample footage of bikini-clad babes cavorting around like monster appetizers.  When Sharktopus suddenly appears, the various bit players must then hop around screaming as the SPFX guys wrap bad-CGI tentacles around them and make with the spewing digital blood. 

The big, cartoony shark head which pops out of the water to chow down on them is highly effective--at generating laughs.  Seeing the entire mismatched monstrosity perched on a guardrail or the roof of a bamboo hut in all its writhing, snarling glory, treating the fleeing humans like a sushi buffet, is a sight you won't soon forget.  Special mention goes to the bunjee-jumping scene, which Corman tells us got the biggest response from audiences and is one of the movie's few genuinely effective moments.  (Roger and Julie's daughter guest-stars as the bouncing bait.)



With few exceptions, the performances range from awful to not-really-trying.  Mostly the actors just seem anxious to knock off their scenes and get back to partying in Puerta Vallarta.  Blake Lindsey isn't bad as Pez, a fisherman who leads TV newswoman Stacy Everheart (Liv Boughn) and her dopey cameraman Bones (Héctor Jiménez, who played Lonnie Donaho in GENTLEMEN BRONCOS) to wherever Sharktopus is likely to appear next.  As a pirate radio DJ, Ralph Garman of "The Joe Schmo Show" seems to be having fun.  Bursin and Lane make a dull main couple as Flynn and Pumpkin and could probably use a few more acting lessons. 

As for Eric Roberts, he's one of my favorite actors and I'd watch him in anything, which is fitting since these days it looks like he'll show up in anything.   Going from THE DARK KNIGHT to this must've been like falling out of a yacht into a swamp.  (Look for Roger Corman himself in a cameo as a beach bum.)



On a technical level, SHARKTOPUS is slapdash at best.  Things like camerawork, editing, and scene transitions are a dizzying jumble of ineptitude, while the subpar direction makes it hard to believe Declan O'Brien is the same guy who did such a solid job with WRONG TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD. 

The script, which seems to have been written on a Big Chief tablet, obviously doesn't take itself very seriously, as when Flynn offers this warning to the patrons of an open-air restaurant by the beach: "Excuse me, everyone.  There's a killer shark-octopus hybrid headed this way.  Please leave the marina in a timely fashion."  The thing is, movies like this are funnier when they aren't trying to be, so the scenes that actually mean to shock or excite us invariably provoke the most giggles. 

The DVD from Anchor Bay is in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen with Dolby Digital 5.1 sound and subtitles in English and Spanish.  Extras include a commentary with Roger and Julie Corman plus the film's trailer. 

Any movie containing Eric Roberts, bikini babes, extras doing the imaginary-tentacle-tango, the guy who played Lonnie Donaho in GENTLEMEN BRONCOS, and one of the dumbest monsters in film history can't be all bad.  And SHARKTOPUS doesn't let up for a minute--it keeps assaulting us with undiluted stupid during its entire running time.  That's a claim some of this year's Best Picture nominees can't even make.

SHARKTOPUS -- DVD Review by Porfle

DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR -- DVD Review by Porfle

 Originally posted on 6/25/11

 

Roger Corman strikes again with another mutant monster fest that's actually a cut above the rest.  The rest, that is, of these bizarro beast brawls that the venerable producer has been churning out for the SyFy Channel lately.  While DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR (2010) never strives to be more than the addlebrained B-picture that it is, it's still better than the likes of SHARKTOPUS.  And, for once, the CGI is pretty darn good.

In his final film appearance, David Carradine plays Jason Drake, a shady millionaire who commissions some scientists to develop techniques for growing oversized food, then orders them to apply the same science to living animals so he can sell the results to the military.  Two of the results, a dinocroc and a supergator, escape from the secluded lab and gobble up all the scientists they can eat before heading off to more populated areas.  This opening sequence is pretty cool and lets us know right away that the SPFX in this movie aren't going to be all that painful to look at.  In fact, they're rather impressive at times.

Not so impressive are the acting and dialogue, but in a movie called DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR I don't exactly expect to see Sir Lawrence Olivier doing "Hamlet."  Carradine, who does most of his scenes lounging in a chair by the pool, is there to grab a paycheck and soak up the Hawaiian scenery.  Rib Hillis is adequate as crossbow-slinging tough guy "The Cajun", whom Drake hires to kill the escaped monsters, and Amy Rasimas is suitably plucky and hot as Cassidy, who is some kind of game warden or something so she gets to wear a skimpy uniform.
 


Corey Landis plays the role of FBI investigator Paul Beaumont, assigned to collect evidence against Drake, with an enjoyably light touch.  (His hideous Hawaiian shirt is a nice running gag.) I especially liked Lisa Clapperton as Drake's bad-girl assistant Victoria, a heartless hitwoman who likes to kill people.  Former Penthouse Pet and softcore sex film star Delia Sheppard appears as a scientist who escapes the initial carnage and tries to warn the world of the impending lizard attack.

It's all very tongue-in-cheek, with director Jim Wynorski (as "Jay Andrews") giving it all a dynamic visual quality that includes some really nice camerawork and a fairly brisk pace despite some draggy spots.  Shot mostly on the Hawaiian island of Kauai, the scenery is often spectacular and there's no shortage of bikini girls running around serving themselves up as reptile treats.  Quite a few people get eaten, in fact, including some mercenaries sent in by Drake to kill the escaped animals and finish off the surviving scientists.  Two of them have a dialogue exchange I found amusing:

"Man, I don't think I could stomach shooting civilians like that."
"Don't think of it as civilians.  Think of it as dollar signs."
 


In most shots the creatures' movements are relatively fluid and natural, and they seem to have weight and substance.  A sequence with the supergator chasing a speeding jeep down a dirt road (a la JURASSIC PARK) features some outstanding CGI and is just one of many effects scenes that I found particularly well-done for a film of this kind.  The final battle between dinocroc and supergator is handled nicely as well, although this title altercation comes as a brief, one-sided letdown.

The DVD from Anchor Bay is in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen with Dolby Digital 5.1 sound.  Subtitles are in English and Spanish.  Extras include a laidback commentary track with Roger Corman and Jim Wynorsky, and the film's trailer.

Unlike some of the other films in this oddball sub-genre, DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR actually feels sort of like a real movie that you can enjoy without lowering your expectation level to rock-bottom.  Still, it never takes itself seriously enough to try and be anything more than what it is--a competently-made and fairly enjoyable junk film.    

DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR -- DVD Review by Porfle

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA 4.0 -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 12/20/08

 

When the original CATTLECAR--excuse me, "BATTLESTAR" GALACTICA came out back in the 70s, I was among those who regarded it as nothing more than a candy-coated piece of sci-fi dreck. So when the Sci-Fi Channel came out with this jazzed-up remake a few years ago, I stayed away, recalling that old line about a silk purse and a sow's ear. Well, I couldn't have been more wrong. After watching this BATTLESTAR GALACTICA 4.0 four-disc DVD set, which covers the first half of the show's fourth and supposedly final season, I could frakkin' kick myself for not being glued to the TV set from the very first episode.

Simply put, this series kicks major ass on every conceivable level. Surely one of the finest series ever produced for television, it might even be the best weekly sci-fi series of all time. Every aspect of the show--acting, writing, production values, special effects, music--is consistently excellent. The show's producers, Ronald D. Moore and David Eick, have somehow managed to combine riveting adult drama with the best elements of pure space opera.

As in the '78 version, the story begins in a distant part of the galaxy where a human civilization known as The Twelve Colonies is decimated by an attack from the Cylons. Less than 35,000 humans survive, escaping into deep space in a ragtag fleet of ships protected by the battlestar Galactica under the leadership of Admiral William Adama. Their goal is to reach the fabled planet of their race's origin known as "Earth" before the pursuing Cylons can destroy them.

The Cylons consist of both robotic warriors and several series of humanoid clones which are essentially immortal, since they can download their shared consciousness into new bodies whenever necessary via an immense spacecraft known as the Resurrection Hub. Much of the fourth season's drama revolves around a civil war between the more warlike Cylons and the ones who wish to end hostilities with the humans, while a small group of these humanoid Cylons, known as The Final Five, actually live and work aboard the Galactica and until recently were unaware that they weren't human.

Meanwhile, Admiral Adama (Edward James Olmos) and President Laura Roslin (DANCES WITH WOLVES' Mary McDonnell) struggle to maintain military control over the fleet rather than hand it over to a group of civilian politicians headed by Vice President Zarek (original '78 castmember Richard Hatch). Religion plays a major role in the stories as well, with one-God proponent Gaius Baltar (James Callis) and his worshipful followers clashing with polytheists who maintain belief in Zeus and other gods. ("Gods damn it!" is a commonly-heard expletive on the show, second only to the ubiquitous "Frak!")

A major event which really sets the fourth-season storyline into motion is the disappearance of fighter pilot Kara "Starbuck" Thrace (Katee Sackhoff) during a battle with the Cylons. After being declared dead, she and her "raptor" ship suddenly turn up several weeks later, both without a scratch. Starbuck insists that somehow she's been to Earth and now knows the way back, but no one believes her at first--in fact, she's suspected to be a Cylon replicant. Eventually, however, the ultimate fate of the entire fleet will depend upon the knowledge that has been mysteriously implanted in her mind.

Having missed out on all the previous episodes, I had to piece together much of what goes on during this season on the fly. But it was definitely worth it. There's a wealth of intense human drama, not to mention political and religious intrigue, all interlaced within a rock-solid story arc featuring a fascinating cast of characters. The plight of the Final Five is especially compelling as they deal with the shock of discovering that they're not human and the constant fear of being revealed as "alien." The growing romantic relationship between battle-weary leaders Adama and Roslin is explored, and made more poignant by her terminal cancer. And the conflict between the warring Cylon factions is full of surprises.

As space opera, the series often reaches epic proportions. The battles between human and Cylon forces are depicted with some mouth-wateringly good CGI--not as sharp and weighty as model work, but with a sweep and grandeur comparable to STARSHIP TROOPERS and the opening sequence of STAR WARS III: REVENGE OF THE SITH--while the potentially distracting use of Shaky-Cam is handled well, giving the battle scenes a somewhat documentary feel. The show also boasts top-notch production design and excellent sets that create a believably realistic atmosphere.

Old pros Olmos and McDonnell head a fine cast that also includes BAND OF BROTHERS' Jamie Bamber as soldier-turned-politician Lee "Apollo" Adama, Tricia Helfer as the beautiful and mysterious Cylon known as Number Six, Michael Hogan as Colonel Tigh (who is not only Adama's most trusted officer but also a member of the Final Five), and the great Dean Stockwell as Cylon leader Brother Cavil. Another welcome presence is Lucy Lawless in an awesomely cool turn as D'Anna Biers, a Cylon who becomes the focal point of an intense standoff between the opposing forces which will determine the outcome of the entire saga.

In addition to the ten episodes in this set, the first disc contains a stand-alone movie called RAZOR which stars Michelle Forbes as Admiral Helena Cain of the battlestar Pegasus. Forbes, who played Ensign Ro on "Star Trek: The Next Generation", is outstanding in this gripping tale of a ruthless commander who resorts to terror and the execution of civilians to ensure the survival of her ship and crew. Both the broadcast version and the unrated extended version are included.

Each disc also contains numerous bonus features--commentary tracks, behind-the-scenes docs, deleted scenes, trailers, minisodes, podcast commentaries, video blogs, and more--offering hours of added material. The visual and sound quality are fine, with 1.78:01 anamorphic widescreen and Dolby Digital 5.1. Subtitles are in English and Spanish.

As a longtime sci-fi fan, and especially as a diehard Trekker, I enjoyed the hell out of this set and will definitely start seeking out more of them. Although BATTLESTAR GALACTICA 4.0 ends halfway through the fourth season--to be continued in 2009--it does come to a satisfying conclusion. I can't wait to see the rest!

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA 4.0 -- DVD Review by Porfle

SNOWMAGEDDON -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 11/7/12

 

There seems to be an entire category of movies on the SyFy Channel in which small Canadian towns double as small Northwestern towns in the USA which are menaced by some kind of supernatural (or super-natural) force, which resides or has its origin in a nearby mountain.  Bad CGI comes as a standard feature; giant tentacles are optional. 

One of the latest entries in this curious little sub-genre is SNOWMAGEDDON (2011), a movie whose title pretty much lets us know what kind of movie we're in for.  This time, a rustic burg in Alaska gets hammered by a series of unnatural disasters such as a storm cloud that shoots ice torpedoes which shatter into deadly shrapnel, gaping fissures bisecting city streets and gushing flames, and huge pointy things shooting up out of the ground to spear moving vehicles like shish-kabobs. 

The reason for all this is kept from us at first, lending the film an air of supernatural mystery that's mildly intriguing--until, that is, we find out that the secret behind it all is pretty freakin' dumb.  Suffice it to say that there's this kid named Rudy who plays a role-playing game about dragons and wizards, and he anonymously receives a strange snowglobe for Christmas with a tiny repica of the town in it, and whenever he winds it up, something bad happens.  Somehow, all of this is related to that RPG that he plays.  Why?  Don't ask me.

The destruction is depicted with some pretty good practical effects--the picturesque little town is trashed quite nicely--along with the usual fair-to-awful CGI.  Once the slush hits the fan, the action is split into different little suspense situations of varying interest, including two hapless shlubs trapped in a bus covered with downed power lines, stranded snowboarders who picked the wrong mountain to board, and a mother-daughter duo in a crashed helicopter. 

Good editing helps jazz things up a bit, but it's all just standard time-waster stuff that helps cheapo flicks like this fill in the space between the opening and closing credits. 

Once the kid finally convinces the grownups that his evil snowglobe is causing all the trouble--which, admittedly, might be a bit hard to swallow at first--they follow his sage advice on how to combat the supernatural menace.  Which means two things: one, they've really run out of ideas.  And two, his dad, John Miller (David Cubitt), must make a trek up the now-volcanic peak in order to do what the hero in the game does to stop the evil. 

The acting is about as good as you'd expect from this sort of thing, with Laura Harris (of the late, lamented "Defying Gravity") deserving better as Rudy's plucky mom, Beth.  The dialogue isn't any better or worse than required, save for the occasional eye-rolling exchange such as this:

LARRY: "That thing's straight from Hell itself."
FRED: "Calm down, Larry."
LARRY: "You calm down, Fred."

The DVD from Anchor Bay is in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen with Dolby 5.1 sound and subtitles in English and Spanish.  No extras.

Really, I can't add any more to this than you can already figure out from the title.  If the word SNOWMAGEDDON doesn't tell you exactly what this movie is all about and whether or not you'll enjoy it, nothing will.  Bottom line: it's a passable, tolerable time-waster.

SNOWMAGEDDON -- DVD Review by Porfle

RIFFTRAX: NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

 

Originally posted on 4/28/09

 

In case your TV has been living under a rock for the last couple of decades, there used to be this show on the Sci-Fi Channel called "Mystery Science Theater 3000", in which a human and two robots were forced to watch bad movies which they heckled mercilessly. It was a wonderful idea that generated many memorable episodes and lasted for eleven years, until it finally ran out of steam and got cancelled. Either that, or the show simply didn't get the appreciation it deserved from the Sci-Fi Channel, which is now known as "SyFy" because the people running it these days don't know their wormholes from their asteroids.

Anyway, when the show folded, Mike Nelson took the "making-fun-of-bad-movies" concept, shaved off all the sci-fi elements, characters, and the movies themselves, and started making downloadable "riffs" for people to play while watching their own DVDs. This has now evolved into Legend Films' new series of ten "RiffTrax" DVDs with which viewers may now watch the film with or without commentary by Nelson and former MST3K co-stars Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett. I recently got to watch their take on George Romero's 1968 horror classic, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, and found it to be alternately hilarious, mildly amusing, and boring--much like the original MST3K.

If you're a serious fan of the film, the DVD gives you a nice-looking copy to look at even when you aren't in a laughing mood. The thing about NOTLD is that, for me, it's still so engrossing that I get caught up watching it and the riffers start sounding like those drunk high school guys who won't shut up in a movie theater. The parts of the movie that are still powerful, of which there are many, don't take that well to riffing, and often the guys are clearly looking for something to make fun of when there isn't anything.

For example, a shot of a fireplace elicits this remark: "A little product placement there from the Fireplace Council..." The opening titles sequence heralds a series of weak jokes about how empty the road is. And whenever Barbra cries "What's happening?" at Ben, then--you guessed it--we must hear the riffers warbling an eardrum-curdling rendition of the "What's Happening" theme. In the case of the burly police chief's celebrated ad-lib "They're dead...they're all messed up", the line is already so bent out of shape that they can only manage a weak "Death Be Not All Messed Up" in response.

All carping aside, though, there's still a lot of fun to be had with this film. My first big laugh came when Barbra's observation "They ought to make the day the time changes the first day of summer...it's 8 o'clock and its still light" was dubbed "Jerry Seinfeld's least-popular comedy routine." The sight of Ben barricading the farmhouse against the ghouls inspires a couple of clever cracks: "Now he knows how it feels to have a teenage daughter who's just started to date" and "Have to wonder how Macauley Culkin would've handled the situation." When Ben tells Barbra, "I know you're afraid...I'm afraid, too", the guys finish his sentence with "I'm the black guy in a horror movie! I might as well head straight to the morgue!"

During Barbra's screaming panic attack: "I imagine this is what it would be like to be stuck in an elevator with Kathy Griffin." After Harry Cooper throws a fit of his own and starts boarding himself in the cellar: "Cooper would be the greatest 'Real World' castmember of all time." Even Helen Cooper's creaking chair as she sits down is met with: "That's what it sounds like whenever Morley Safer stands up."

More exchanges between the movie and the riffers that tickled my funny bone--

BEN: "They're afraid of fire, I found that out."
"Mainly because they associate it with FIRESTORM, starring Howie Long."

NEWSCASTER: "So now let's go to that filmed report--"
"Taken by a drunk dog--"

NEWSCASTER: "...have been organized to search out and destroy the marauding ghouls."
"Marauding Ghouls? That was my high school football team!"

NEWSCASTER: "Kill the brain, and you kill the ghoul."
"That didn't work on Axl Rose!"

Okay, you had to be there for some of those. Like most of the films that have been made sport of by MST3K and RiffTrax over the years, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD yields it's share of howlers, groaners, and everything in between. Trouble is, my vivid memories of terror while first watching the film during its initial run keep me from settling into the mocking mood necessary to fully enjoy something like this. I think I might have a much better time with some of the other features in the RiffTrax series, including REEFER MADNESS, PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, MISSILE TO THE MOON, HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL, LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, CARNIVAL OF SOULS, and SWING PARADE.

Two more titles, RIFFTRAX SHORTS: VOL. 1 & 2, contain riffs on some of those achingly hilarious old educational films that are another brand of "bad" altogether. A sample disc that I received along with NOTLD contains the fifteen-minute short "Harm Hides at Home", about a woman who is not only both an architect and a school crossing guard, but also a safety-conscious superheroine known as Guardiana. After being given superpowers by some aliens who sound like the Lollipop Guild from THE WIZARD OF OZ, Guardiana leaps into action whenever a careless kid starts a fire on the stovetop or, better yet, finds Dad's gun. This kind of stuff fractures me by itself, and with Mike, Kevin, and Bill adding their own wisecracks, it's irresistibly entertaining.

The thing I miss most is seeing Mike and the robots in the corner of the screen (especially the familiar yakky silhouette of Crow T. Robot) and hearing the robots' character voices. Somehow Corbett and Murphy just aren't the same when they're regular-sounding offscreen guys. But that's a pretty small gripe considering that MST3K fans can now enjoy the closest thing available to the original show with these new "RiffTrax" DVDs and get decent-looking copies of each film in the bargain. It'll be interesting to see what the next batch of titles will be.

RIFFTRAX: NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD -- DVD Review by Porfle

DARK STORM -- Movie Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 11/15/10

 

After watching EARTHSTORM with Stephen Baldwin, I thought to myself, "Wow, I sure would like to see another cheapo Canadian ARMAGEDDON-inspired Stephen Baldwin sci-fi movie with the word 'storm' in the title." 

Well, the good folks at the SyFy Channel and Lionsgate must've heard me, because sure enough, here's DARK STORM (2006), a cheapo Stephen Baldwin sci-fi movie made in Canada with the tagline "Armageddon is on the horizon."  Yay...

At least Stephen Baldwin fit the part of a building-demolition expert in EARTHSTORM.  Here, he plays a scientist named Daniel Gray who's part of a secret government project to collect dark matter in space.  (I'm not quite sure what "dark matter" is, but it's one of those neat things like wormholes that you don't really have to understand in order for it to be a cool subject for a sci-fi flick.)  Seeing Stephen Baldwin in a lab coat is like seeing a gorilla wearing a tutu--somehow, the two just don't go together.  I kept expecting his associate Dr. Fred Flintstone to show up at some point so they could sneak out and go bowling together.

Anyway, this project is supposedly being done to benefit Mankind somehow, but the weaselly guy in charge of it, Dr. McKray (Gardiner Millar), turns out to be a dirty rat who's planning to turn the whole thing into a deadly weapon and sell it to the highest international bidder.  While demonstrating it to the visiting General Killion (William B. Davis, better known as Cancer Man from "The X-Files"), who controls the government purse-strings that finance the project, a containment leak in the orbiting dark-matter-collecting satellite is detected and a cloud of dark matter is spreading over the atmosphere.  (Sorry, but I'm just going to have to keep saying "dark matter" a bunch of times during this review.)
 

Dr. McKray doesn't want to lose his funding so he forces the reticent Dr. Baldwin and his coworkers to ignore safety measures and proceed with the demonstration, which causes the dark matter to enter our atmosphere at different points known as "spikes", wreaking all sorts of havoc with the weather and disintegrating airplanes and buildings and stuff.  This is done using that TV-quality kind of CGI that looks pretty good in some scenes and so hot at all in others.

Not only that, but Dr. Baldwin gets exposed to some errant dark matter himself during the botched test, which gives him strange super-powers that enable him to start his car without keys, lob dark-matter fastballs at bad guys, and repel focused beams of destructive dark matter with his mind.  He's Dark Matter Man!  This, too, turns out to be part of the repulsive Dr. McKray's plan to turn himself and everyone else into a race of dark-matter superbeings in order to bring Mankind's evolutionary process to its ultimate peak.  Wow--sounds just crazy enough to work!

It's interesting seeing William B. Davis as a good guy for a change, but without those fake cigarettes he used to chain-smoke on "The X-Files" he doesn't really know what to do with his hands anymore.  Camille Sullivan (THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT), who looks and sounds a bit like Sarah Jessica Parker but I didn't hold it against her, is okay as Dr. Baldwin's wife Ellie, and Keegan Connor Tracy (WHITE NOISE, FINAL DESTINATION 2) does a fairly good job playing the nasty agent of an unnamed government bidding for the dark-matter weapon.  I liked Rob LaBelle (FIDO, "Taken") as Dr. Baldwin's dorky associate Andy--he reminded me of a skinnier, shorter-haired Larry from the Three Stooges. 

Some of the dark-matter storm scenes are pretty cool but there are just enough shots of calamity and destruction, with varying degrees of cartoony-ness, to remind us that this is going on while the talkier, less-expensive scenes take up more running time.  Dr. McKray eventually has Dr. and Mrs. Baldwin kidnapped and taken to his secret dark-matter destructo-beam installation, and it's up to them to find a way to foil his evil scheme.  It all builds to a final super-powered showdown, with predictable results.

I liked EARTHSTORM better because its "Buck Rogers"-type space shuttle mission and other cheesy sci-fi elements were brighter and more fun.  DARK STORM, which is darker, more earthbound, and  a bit dreary at times, is a fairly entertaining time-waster and I didn't hate it, but that's about it.  

DARK STORM -- Movie Review by Porfle

EARTHSTORM -- Movie Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 10/17/10

 

I really like imminent-doom-from-space movies like ARMAGEDDON, DEEP IMPACT, WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE, and their directionally-inverted counterpart, THE CORE.  The makers of EARTHSTORM (2006) obviously like them, too, because their movie is very similar to these in several ways except a very obvious one: budget.  It's an epic disaster flick scaled down to barely the size of a Sci-Fi Channel movie (which, in fact, it is), with most of the drama taking place in--as Paul's very clean grandad from A HARD DAY'S NIGHT might have put it--a cheap CGI shot and a room, a barebones space shuttle interior and a room, and a room and a room.

After a title sequence that resembles the opening of "Star Trek:The Next Generation", the movie kicks off with the moon being struck by a huge asteroid.  Not only does this send a shower of huge meteorites raining down upon the Earth, but it also causes a gradually-widening crack that threatens to break the moon itself into pieces.  Worldwide weather chaos ensues as well, and we get to see the usual idiot newsguys standing in the middle of it as they breathlessly give us the play-by-play.  The CGI in the "meteors hit city" scenes is okay--not great, but not actually laughable, either.  It's a small-scale disaster, to be sure, but if you scale down your expectations to match, then it's not so bad.

Scientist Lara Gale (Amy Price-Francis) is summoned to the ASI, or "American Space Institute" (which is the equivalent of NASA in the alternate dimension in which this story seems to take place), by her colleague Dr. Garth Pender (John Ralston), to help whip up some kind of solution to the problem.  Lara's late father predicted that this scenario might someday occur and came up with his own theoretical remedy, based on his belief that the interior of the moon was composed mainly of iron.  This, however, was ridiculed by his peers in the scientific community, including the President's current Chief Scientific Advisor, Victor Stevens (Dirk Benedict), one of those characters whose sole purpose is to arbitrarily laugh off all the rational solutions proposed by our heroes and insist on doing things the stupid way.  Benedict, who was Starbuck on the original "Battlestar Galactica" and Face on "The A-Team", is used to playing stupid characters and does a pretty good job here.

The plan, as it is, consists of sending astronauts to the moon to blow up some nukes and cause the crack to collapse in upon itself.  In ARMAGEDDON, the fate of mankind rested on the world's greatest oil driller.  Here, it requires the expertise of ace building-blower-upper John Redding (Stephen Baldwin), who just happens to be the world's greatest demolition expert.  He gets summoned to ASI headquarters, and we just know that before you can say "Press the button, Stamper!", he's gonna end up having to go into space himself to make sure the job gets done right.  Upon hearing the plan, he protests, "I don't know anything about the moon!" to which Dr. Pender responds, "Nobody knows more about how things collapse in on themselves than you."  Well, you can't argue with that.

After a bunch of scenes consisting of people in rooms talking to each other, with a few "ehh" disaster shots thrown in here and there, we get to the film's most gripping sequence: the launch of the shuttle during a furious tropical storm.  With time running out and no backup plan, Redding and the two shuttle pilots must go for broke and take off even as various systems hover in and out of "no-go" status and the storm rages around them.  Things also get pretty tense during the shuttle's approach to the moon through a dense field of debris.  By this time, I wasn't expecting ILM-level effects, so I found these scenes visually adequate.  What sorta had me scratching my head, though, was the fact that they seem to have gravity on board the shuttle.  I guess you just can't simulate having a big lug like Stephen Baldwin floating around weightless without spending some serious cash.

Speaking of which, these Baldwin brothers really are a bunch of big lugs, aren't they?  Don't get me wrong--I like them.  But they look like the kind of guys you'd see hanging out at a Flintstone family reunion.  Alec used to be the slim, handsome one--his "Flintstones" character would probably be a movie star named "Rock Granite" or something--and Stephen was the lanky, kid-brother one.  Daniel, the middle Baldwin, was the original "big lug" type of the three.  Now, they're all starting to look more and more alike as Alec and Stephen's physical appearance begins to move closer toward the middle ground inhabited by Daniel.  A time-lapse montage of close-ups from their movies, in chronological order, would probably look like one of those transformation scenes in THE WOLF MAN.  One of these days we won't even be able to tell them apart, and they'll be able to star in an all-Baldwin remake of WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH.

Anyway, once Redding and the astronauts reach the moon, they discover that the nuke plan isn't going to work and that an alternate plan based on the theories of Dr. Gale's late father must be improvised (which will vindicate the old guy at last).  Take that, you dumb old President's Chief Science Advisor!  This leads to a sequence similar to one in APOLLO 13 in which the eggheads at mission control must devise a way to utilize only the equipment and resources available on board the shuttle to conquer the problem.  And a certain level of suspense is maintained as the shuttle is bombarded by debris while the clock ticks down to the point beyond which it will be too late to save the Earth. 

Stephen Baldwin does a good job and is likable in his Barney Rubble kind of way.  The supporting players are good, particularly Matt Gordon as "Albert", one of the eggheads running around mission control like a chicken with its head cut off, and Richard Leacock as "Ollie", the mission control guy who wants to abort the shuttle liftoff.  I also liked Redding's building-demolition helper, Bryna (Anna Silk).  She's very appealing in a "girl-next-door" kind of way.  Does Bryna get together with Redding in the end, like I wanted?  I'll put it this way--no.  GRRRRRRRR!!!  The final romantic pair-ups in this movie are infuriatingly wrong, and made me want to smash the DVD into little pieces, mix it with mashed potatoes and gravy, and eat it, thus symbolizing my total victory over this film and everyone involved. 

But on further reflection, I decided that such a course of action would probably be overdoing it a bit.  After all, EARTHSTORM is just a low-rent sci-fi actioner that is fairly entertaining if you catch it in the right mood, and it's not going to kill me if it doesn't end exactly the way I wanted it to.  But Stephen Baldwin's character and Amy Price-Francis' character ending up together?  Pffft--never gonna work.  Just wait'll she sees how much hair this guy's gonna leave in the tub every time he takes a shower.

EARTHSTORM -- Movie Review by Porfle