SHARKTOPUS -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 3/3/11

 

"Dumb" has a new name, and that name is SHARKTOPUS (2010).  This highly-rated SyFy Original Movie, produced by legendary filmmaker Roger Corman and his wife Julie, will either make you giddy with bad-movie excitement or leave you utterly stupified.  Maybe even both.

After the success of DINOSHARK, SyFy contacted Corman about doing this film as a follow-up.  As he relates in the commentary, he initially turned it down because, while "dinosharks" might conceivably have existed in prehistoric times, the idea of a half-shark, half-octopus just seemed a little too farfetched.  (Unlike, say, giant crab monsters.)  He eventually gave in, on the condition that the creature be a product of genetic engineering rather than a freak of nature. 

Thus, we have scientist Nathan Sands (Eric Roberts) and his daughter Nicole (Sara Malakul Lane), whom he affectionately refers to as "Pumpkin", creating the dreaded Sharktopus for the military.  Pumpkin naively hopes Sharktopus will be used for good, but her sneaky dad has designed it to be a ruthless killing machine, which it demonstrates when its electronic restraints are damaged during a test and it starts eating people all up and down the coast of scenic Puerto Vallarta.  With the Navy breathing down his back, Sands hires fun-loving aquatic mercenary Andy Flynn (Kerem Bursin) to reel the big fish in and bring it back alive.
 


With this set-up quickly established, the film now treats us to an endless series of Sharktopus attacks with lots of tourists getting snared by the creature's tentacles right there on the shore and dragged into its toothy maw.  Several of these kills begin with an establishing montage of festive beach images and ample footage of bikini-clad babes cavorting around like monster appetizers.  When Sharktopus suddenly appears, the various bit players must then hop around screaming as the SPFX guys wrap bad-CGI tentacles around them and make with the spewing digital blood. 

The big, cartoony shark head which pops out of the water to chow down on them is highly effective--at generating laughs.  Seeing the entire mismatched monstrosity perched on a guardrail or the roof of a bamboo hut in all its writhing, snarling glory, treating the fleeing humans like a sushi buffet, is a sight you won't soon forget.  Special mention goes to the bunjee-jumping scene, which Corman tells us got the biggest response from audiences and is one of the movie's few genuinely effective moments.  (Roger and Julie's daughter guest-stars as the bouncing bait.)



With few exceptions, the performances range from awful to not-really-trying.  Mostly the actors just seem anxious to knock off their scenes and get back to partying in Puerta Vallarta.  Blake Lindsey isn't bad as Pez, a fisherman who leads TV newswoman Stacy Everheart (Liv Boughn) and her dopey cameraman Bones (Héctor Jiménez, who played Lonnie Donaho in GENTLEMEN BRONCOS) to wherever Sharktopus is likely to appear next.  As a pirate radio DJ, Ralph Garman of "The Joe Schmo Show" seems to be having fun.  Bursin and Lane make a dull main couple as Flynn and Pumpkin and could probably use a few more acting lessons. 

As for Eric Roberts, he's one of my favorite actors and I'd watch him in anything, which is fitting since these days it looks like he'll show up in anything.   Going from THE DARK KNIGHT to this must've been like falling out of a yacht into a swamp.  (Look for Roger Corman himself in a cameo as a beach bum.)



On a technical level, SHARKTOPUS is slapdash at best.  Things like camerawork, editing, and scene transitions are a dizzying jumble of ineptitude, while the subpar direction makes it hard to believe Declan O'Brien is the same guy who did such a solid job with WRONG TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD. 

The script, which seems to have been written on a Big Chief tablet, obviously doesn't take itself very seriously, as when Flynn offers this warning to the patrons of an open-air restaurant by the beach: "Excuse me, everyone.  There's a killer shark-octopus hybrid headed this way.  Please leave the marina in a timely fashion."  The thing is, movies like this are funnier when they aren't trying to be, so the scenes that actually mean to shock or excite us invariably provoke the most giggles. 

The DVD from Anchor Bay is in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen with Dolby Digital 5.1 sound and subtitles in English and Spanish.  Extras include a commentary with Roger and Julie Corman plus the film's trailer. 

Any movie containing Eric Roberts, bikini babes, extras doing the imaginary-tentacle-tango, the guy who played Lonnie Donaho in GENTLEMEN BRONCOS, and one of the dumbest monsters in film history can't be all bad.  And SHARKTOPUS doesn't let up for a minute--it keeps assaulting us with undiluted stupid during its entire running time.  That's a claim some of this year's Best Picture nominees can't even make.

SHARKTOPUS -- DVD Review by Porfle

THE REEF -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 7/9/11

 

Since I still haven't seen OPEN WATER--the film that this type of "predicament" movie is most logically compared to--I was going to liken THE REEF (2010) to another white-knuckle cinematic ordeal of a few years back called BLACK WATER.  Then I found out that THE REEF and BLACK WATER were directed by the same person, Andrew Traucki, which pretty much makes sense, I guess.

Since this type of movie puts innocent people into some kind of survival situation from which the only escape is either death or suffering through a terrible ordeal, it's meant more to be endured than enjoyed.  If done right, the result is prolonged, almost unbearable suspense that makes you sick to your stomach.  With BLACK WATER, Traucki proved himself quite adept at this sort of film, and THE REEF is another successful installment in his quest to make us all feel bad.

As usual, the main characters are a bunch of fairly nice people that we don't really want anything bad to happen to.  Damian Walshe-Howling plays Luke, an amiable young seafarer hired to deliver a yacht.  Turning the job into a pleasure cruise, he invites his old friend Matt (Gyton Grantley) and Matt's girlfriend Suzie (Adrienne Pickering) along for the ride, in addition to Matt's sister Kate (Zoe Naylor).  Kate happens to be Luke's old girlfriend so there's some unfinished romantic business between the two.  Rounding out the group is Luke's deck hand Warren (Kieran Darcy-Smith).
 


The first third or so of the film consists of them having a wonderful time sailing and romping around on a secluded island while we get to know them and wait for their false sense of security to be shattered.  This happens several miles out to sea when the yacht suddenly bashes into a reef and capsizes, leaving them stranded.  They now have two choices--wait on top of the overturned boat, which is slowly sinking, or try to swim back to the island.  Warren knows what's out there and refuses to budge.  The rest inch nervously into the water and paddle away, keeping their eyes peeled for things like, you know, sharks and stuff.

We don't even see one until the movie's almost half over, yet the suspense generated by this simple premise is almost paralyzing at times.  As I said about BLACK WATER, this is one of those movies where you (a) don't want anything to happen, and (b) don't want to start liking the characters because you know some of them are about to die horribly.  Of course, I did start liking the characters, and things did start to happen, mostly involving lots of blood and screaming.  Traucki is positively sadistic in the way he draws out the suspense as Luke and the gang catch fleeting glimpses of moving shapes (such as shark fins) and helplessly await the arrival of those gnashing jaws from below. 

The first attack relieves all that pent-up tension that's been building since the movie began, but it doesn't take long for us to start biting our nails again.  (I actually did catch myself literally biting my nails once or twice.)  Actual footage of a big-ass shark filmed off the Australian coast is well integrated and even the occasional SPFX shots are pretty good, while the actors do a fine job of reacting to it all exactly the way I would--with gibbering, bug-eyed terror.



The final segment of the film really stretches our nerves back and forth like a rubber band as the survivors spot what may be their salvation in the distance, only to find it frustratingly out of reach as the shark renews its attack.  And yes, the characters have been developed just enough to make us care about them, damn it, so in addition to stomach-souring suspense there's also the sadness that goes along with seeing some nice people turned into shark crunchies.  This continues right up until the last possible moment, leaving me nauseated and bummed out at the fadeout.  Since that's exactly what this movie sets out to do, then mission accomplished.

The DVD from Image Entertainment is in 2.35:1 widescreen with Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound.  Subtitles are in English and Spanish.  Extras consist of a trailer and a making-of featurette, "Shooting with Sharks." 

Though the tagline "Who will survive--and what will be left of them?" is already taken, it would've been just right for THE REEF.  (And much better than the real one, "Pray that you drown first.")  While this low-budget production is technically well done, there's really not much more to it after the yacht wreck than four people paddling around out in the water amidst some shark footage and a few SPFX.  But what Andrew Traucki does with these simple ingredients adds up to an exhausting experience that's almost as much of an ordeal for the viewer as it is for the characters.  If that's your idea of fun, then dive right in.

THE REEF -- DVD Review by Porfle

DINOSHARK -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 4/3/11

 

Compared to its follow-up, SHARKTOPUS, I found the highly-rated SyFy Channel fishfest DINOSHARK (2010) to be superior in just about every way.  Of course, that's like saying falling out of a two-storey window is superior to getting run over by a bus, but at least the first one is sort of exciting on the way down.

Eric Balfour, an actor I like for some reason after seeing him in Larry Bishop's bonehead biker flick HELL RIDE and the TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE remake, plays "Trace McGraw", who has returned to Puerto Vallarta to resume running a charter boat for tourists.  He meets a gorgeous blonde teacher named Carol Brubaker (Iva Hasperger), who joins him in the search when their mutual friend Rita goes missing.  Rita, of course, has been eaten by a dinoshark, and Trace and Carol end up going after the prehistoric beast themselves as it makes a beeline for its next beachfront buffet.

Lacking a big star like SHARKTOPUS' Eric Roberts, DINOSHARK benefits from the fact that some of the leads are actually pretty good actors (although Roger Corman is fortunate he didn't have to audition for his brief role as a fish expert).  And lucky for them, the script isn't nearly as dumb.  It does have its moments, though, as when Trace discusses his next course of action against the monster with friend Luis:

Trace: "So, what...we'll need explosives, right?"
Luis: "Yeah.  I'll try to get some from my friends at the army base."



Talk about convenient!  Nothing like having some pals at a nearby army base who don't mind lending you a few grenades and rocket launchers.  And then there's the helicopter scene, which is just plain goofy (but in a good way) and allows Balfour to intone a wry reference to JAWS.  Other echoes of the Spielberg classic abound, including a direct quote of its famous "DUN-dun DUN-dun" theme music as a hapless couple in a canoe try to outrun the toothy terror. 

The film is really pretty similar to a regular shark movie anyway--the Dinoshark isn't all that much bigger than Bruce, and it does pretty much the same things in the same way, aside from being able to leap out of the water to snag surfers and para-sailors in mid-air.  As co-producer (with his wife Julie) Roger Corman has said, you don't tease the viewer in a TV-movie the way you would for a theatrical film--you show the monster right away.  And sure enough, DINOSHARK isn't five minutes old before we get a gander at the head, the tail--the whole damn thing.  It isn't a bad-looking critter, really, resembling a cross between a shark and a big horned toad.

By being way less outlandish than its follow-up, this film's SPFX manage to be a bit more convincing even though they're still on the chintzy side.  The CGI guys aren't asked to overextend themselves as much, and manage to turn in some passable effects along with the more wince-inducing ones.  A big mock-up of the monster's head is used in several closeups of swimmers being chomped, but most of the attacks take place underwater and are digitally rendered.  The gore level is somewhat higher than in SHARKTOPUS, especially when Rita's leftovers are washed ashore.



Kevin O'Neill, whose only other director credit is this film's 2004 predecessor DINOCROC, is a visual effects veteran of films such as the FEAST and PULSE series and TV's "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys."  So in addition to being able to stage action scenes pretty well, he also knows where the SPFX are going to go later on.  The lush, scenic Puerto Vallarta locations are milked for all the added production values they can yield as the film breaks out into a festive travelogue montage at the drop of a hat.  The roving camera also manages to zero in on an abundance of frolicking bikini babes throughout the film. 

The DVD from Anchor Bay is in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen with Dolby Digital 5.1 sound.  Subtitles are in English and Spanish.  Besides a trailer, there's a commentary track featuring Roger and Julie Corman and director O'Neill.

The finale is pretty lively as the finny fiend makes its way to a heavily-populated resort beach where a sailboat regatta and a women's water polo match are being held, complete with a wide array of human appetizers bobbing around.  Balfour gets a cool final confrontation with Kid Din-o-Shark (I keep imagining J.J. from "Good Times" doing the play-by-play) and Iva Hasperger delivers one of those badass action-movie one-liners to top things off.  All in all, DINOSHARK is a pretty fun movie to watch, and not just in a derisive-laughter kind of way. 

DINOSHARK -- DVD Review by Porfle

What If They Turned "JAWS" Into A Bad 70s Sitcom? (video)

 

(Originally posted on 8/11/21)

Remember how a classic movie would be so great at the theater...

...and then they'd try to recreate the same magic...

...by turning it into a crappy TV series?

Remember? Huh? Do ya? Huh? Huh?

Well, here's what it might've looked like if they did that to "Jaws"!


Video by Porfle Popnecker
Music by Roger Steinman

I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!

What If They Turned "JAWS" Into A Bad 70s Sitcom? (video)

The Dumbest Shark Scenes In "Jaws: The Revenge" (1987) (video)

(SPOILERS!)

In the fourth "Jaws" movie the Brody family is being stalked...

...by a vengeful shark who kills one Brody son...

and then follows the remaining Brodys from New York to the Bahamas.

Chief Brody is now dead (constant fear of sharks gave him a heart attack.)

But wife Ellen and son Michael are still defiantly anti-shark...

...and with Michael Caine's help, they confront the big, roaring monster shark.

Fortunately for bad movie fans, it's all as awful as it sounds.


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!

The Dumbest Shark Scenes In "Jaws: The Revenge" (1987) (video)