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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

42nd St Pete Reviews Crap That Makes Him Want To Rip His Eyes Out: 100 Million BC, Feast 2, and Hell Ride

Some Reviews on some current stuff that is just a waste of electricity

100 Million BC 2008 Asylum Home Entertainment Starring Michael Gross, Greg Evigan, & Christopher Atkins. Directed by Louie Myman

Time travel epic with an elite team sent back in time to retrieve another team that was sent back in the 40’s . Premise is good, but the bad CG stuff kills it. Raptors attack and kill most of the rescue team. The T-Rex is red and Michael Gross looks pretty gross with his balding head covered with liver spots. Guess the budget didn’t allow for make up.

The 40’s women have 2000 style enhanced boobage, the CG stuff sucks and nobody noticed a bright red T-Rex roaming around LA at night. Christopher Atkins seems to be a fixture in these crappy films as of late.

Hell Ride 2008 from Dimension Extreme Starring David Carradine, Dennis Hopper, Larry Bishop & Vinnie Jones. Directed by Larry Bishop. Presented by Quentin Tarentino.

OK, in the Grindhouse scheme of things, biker films were low on the Richter scale. Most weren’t that good and if someone was going to write a book on that genre , it would be about 50 pages. The good ones were The Wild One, The Wild Angels, The Losers , Hells Angels ‘69 & Stone Cold. The rest pretty much sucked.

So now we get another QT presents 90 minutes worth of BS. A threadbare plot, a treasure that we never see, throat slashings, immolation's, sluts, shooting, and no freaking plot to go with them. This played for two whole days in my area before it was yanked because no one gave a shit. You would think with all the money Grindhouse lost that someone would reign QT in a bit. Hopper & Carradine seem to be there for name value as Carradine dies rather quickly. Total waste in my estimation.

Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds Starring Jenny Wade, Clu Gulager, & Diane Ayala Goldner. Directed by John Gulager. From Dimension Extreme.

I did have high hopes for this as I really liked the first one. Now this is being billed as a new “classic” horror series. Someone better look up the definition of classic because this isn’t it. Two survivors from # 1, the Bartender & Honey Pie are now holding off the CG monsters in a small town with an all girl biker gang, two midget wrestlers, and some other disposable characters. This plays out like a video game and that seems to be it’s target audience.

Some of it is funny, most of it sucks, especially the “autopsy” scene were people puke, get slimed, and get ejaculated upon. Yeah, you read right, the dead monster’s Ron Jeremy like wazoo winds up all over the cast. I could read into something here, but I won’t .Highlights are a baby getting eaten, a monster screw a cat, Clu beating the shit out of Honey Pie for running off in the first film, a dissolving old lady, and more slimy, pukey, fluids than an Annie Sprinkle porn film.

Obviously this film has an audience, but I’m not in it.


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