A CINDERELLA STORY: CHRISTMAS WISH -- Blu-ray/DVD Review by Porfle

(Warner Bros. Home Entertainment provided me with a free copy of the Blu-ray I reviewed in this blog post. The opinions I share are my own.)


Originally posted on 10/25/19

 

Much of the success of a "Cinderella" story depends on how much we hate her wicked stepmother and two wicked stepsisters, while at the same time finding them perversely funny. We also have to like the title character enough to root for her to win out over those three harpies and find true love with her Prince Charming.

In that, 2019's A CINDERELLA STORY: CHRISTMAS WISH (Warner Bros. Home Entertainment) fills in the blanks quite nicely, with Johannah Newmarch (POLARIS, "Stargate: SG-1") as stepmother Deirdre Decker, along with Lillian Doucet-Roche and Chanelle Peloso as the jarringly misnamed stepsisters Joy and Grace, horrify us with their selfishness, vanity, and deviousness yet still delight with their comically overdrawn characters and addlebrained bungling.

As Kat Decker, Laura Marano ("Austin & Ally", SAVING ZOE) fills the "Cinderella" role likably enough, going about the thankless task of waiting hand and foot on her step-monsters while holding down a job as a performing elf at Santa Land, all the while keeping as cheerful and upbeat as possible as she dreams of someday becoming a famous singer and performing her own songs for an adoring public.

Romance is another concern, one which is hampered by her becoming an object of internet ridicule when Joy posts a video in her vlog of Kat making a clumsy fool of herself in front of the town's most eligible bachelor, the handsome and charming Dominic Wintergarden (Gregg Sulkin, "Runaways").

As fate would have it, Dominic plays Santa at the store where Kat works, but she doesn't know it's him because he never takes off his beard at work. 

Naturally, they fall in love for all the right reasons, and as we can all guess by now Kat will get invited to a big gala thrown by Dominic's billionaire dad. But as we can also surmise, wicked stepmother finds a way to steal Kat's invitation and crash the party along with Joy and Grace, who all have designs on snaring one of the Wintergarden men as their own. 

All of this is about as lightweight and breezy as can be, and just as easy to take if one's expectations are no higher than your average teen or tween looking for something fun and vaguely identifiable to watch.

The movie looks bright and colorful, the leads are attractive and chipper, and the baddies are cartoonishly evil. (In my case, it helps that one of the wicked stepsisters resembles Miley Cyrus.)

With the help of Kat's devoted best friend Isla (Isabella Gomez, "One Day At a Time"), who assumes the "Fairy Godmother" role by making a beautiful gown for the gala and encouraging Kat every step of the way, our "Cinderella" gets her big chance for happiness when she ends up singing one of her own compositions for the high-tone audience.

Music plays a major role throughout the rest of the story as well, with Laura Marano and fellow castmembers performing a series of heavily-autotuned pop songs which, while totally forgettable, at least keep things bouncing along pleasantly enough.

Director and co-writer Michelle Johnston, an actress and dancer in such films as A CHORUS LINE and CHICAGO, ably follows up her 2016 effort entitled "A Cinderella Story: If the Shoe Fits."

The 2-disc set from Warner Bros. Home Entertainment contains both the Blu-ray and DVD versions of the movie plus a code for digital download. Extras consist of two featurettes, "The Look and Costumes of 'A Christmas Wish'" and "The Mic and The Stage", as well as trailers for other releases.

As teen-oriented musical rom-coms go, this one is about as wispy as cotton candy but equally sweet and easy to swallow.  A CINDERELLA STORY: CHRISTMAS WISH does what it aims to do: make us root for "Cinderella", hate her wicked step-harpies (while laughing at them), and feel good when "Prince Charming" sweeps her off her feet.



#CinderellaChristmas

Region: Region A/1 (Read more about DVD/Blu-ray formats.)
Number of discs: 2
Rated:PG/Parental Guidance Suggested
Studio: Warner Brothers
DVD Release Date: October 29, 2019
Run Time: 93 minutes


TRAILER:





MUSIC VIDEO:

A CINDERELLA STORY: CHRISTMAS WISH -- Blu-ray/DVD Review by Porfle

NUTCRACKER, THE MOTION PICTURE -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 12/14/17

 

I don't remember ever sitting down and watching a production of Tchaikovsky’s classic musical fantasy (derived from the E.T.A. Hoffmann story “The Nutcracker and the Mouse King”) all the way through, so I was surprised to find that the 1986 screen adaptation, NUTCRACKER, THE MOTION PICTURE (Olive Films), is a lot less Christmassy than I imagined. 

It's also less skillfully rendered than I expected from director Carroll Ballard, who gave us the exquisite THE BLACK STALLION as well as NEVER CRY WOLF.  I think this is because Ballard excelled at more natural, realistic storytelling (albeit through a beautifully artistic eye) and was out of his element taking on a stagey ballet with an almost non-linear storyline that's told through music and dance.

He made a sort of metaphorical dance out of the boy and the horse getting to know and love each other in THE BLACK STALLION, and it was beautiful. Here, he's a bit at a loss as to how to shoot literal dance sequences, often editing a bunch of tight shots together in rapid succession to convey movement but losing the effect of the group choreography in doing so.

These sequences are at their best during the moments when Ballard pulls back and gives us a nice, wide master shot of the dancers doing their thing. Yet this is where his talent as a visual film artist is least utilized and the film is at its most stagey and uncinematic.  Throughout NUTCRACKER, THE MOTION PICTURE this uneasy juxtaposition of the cinematic and the theatrical seldom makes for a pleasing blend.

Indeed, I often found myself zoning out and simply enjoying Tchaikovsky’s brilliant music, rendered beautifully by the London Symphony Orchestra, as the images played out before me.  I found myself recognizing most of these oft-heard musical themes and savoring each one anew, gifts of the composer's genius that keep on giving across the centuries.

The story proper concerns a young girl named Clara (Vanessa Sharp) attending her parents' opulent Christmas party and hoping that finally this year she'll be old enough to join in the dance.  She especially looks forward to seeing her extremely eccentric godfather Herr Drosselmeier (Hugh Bigney), a clockmaker who never fails to bring the most special, magical gifts that he has fashioned himself.

This year Drosselmeier has outdone himself by building a toy castle in which one might actually see tiny figures dancing inside.  As an older Clara tells us in voiceover, he has a tendency to invade her dreams somehow, turning them into frightening but strangely wonderful nightmares.  This night is no different, and Clara's dream sleep becomes a wondrous journey through the magic castle and then into exotic foreign lands with the handsome Nutcracker Prince (Wade Walthall).

The opening act of the film contains the only real Christmas atmosphere, the rest being Clara's frightening encounter with some toy figures come to overgrown life (including production designer Maurice Sendak's grotesque animal creations) and then the balletic adventures of Clara's grown-up fantasy self, played by lissome ballet dancer Patricia Barker, in a sort of "Arabian Nights" world with Drosselmeier as an evil sheik or something. 

Barker bears a close resemblance to the younger Clara and is a pleasing surrogate figure with ample balletic skills.  It's nice watching her and the Nutcracker Prince during their elegant specialty numbers as well as a "snowflake" dance by members of the Pacific Northwest Ballet.

I prefer these moments to the more chaotic ones with too many toy soldiers, anthropomorphic animals, and other characters leaping about in a confusing blur of closeups and rapid editing.  The story finally comes to a climax of sorts (including a noticeably bad flying effect) which I actually found rather intriguing--it really does end the way nightmares often do, and Clara, awaking with a start, seems well pleased by her odd godfather's most unusual gift.

NUTCRACKER, THE MOTION PICTURE will please fans of Tchaikovsky’s gorgeous music even if they only listen to it. Those who look at it as well may find the images to be as much a mixed bag as the one from which Herr Drosselmeier produces his eclectic array of homemade Christmas gifts.  Try as he might, director Ballard just never quite gets a handle on this one. 



YEAR: 1986
GENRE: DANCE
LANGUAGE: ENGLISH (with optional English subtitles)
LABEL: OLIVE FILMS
TOTAL RUNNING TIME: 86 mins
RATING: G
VIDEO: 1.85:1 Aspect Ratio; COLOR
AUDIO: STEREO

NUTCRACKER, THE MOTION PICTURE -- DVD Review by Porfle

COOPERS' CHRISTMAS -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 11/14/10

 

This movie used to be called COOPERS' CAMERA until somebody realized that it's kind of dumb to make a Christmas movie with absolutely no reference to Christmas in the title.  So they renamed it COOPERS' CHRISTMAS (2008) and stressed the fact that it stars Jason Jones and Samantha Bee of "The Daily Show", which I've never watched.  At first, I was wishing I didn't have to watch this movie, either, but little by little the darn thing just grew on me.  Like a fungus.

To say that COOPERS' CHRISTMAS is low-class would be a gross understatement.  If you're expecting that odd mixture of warmth and irreverence that makes NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION a perennial family favorite, think again--this movie isn't aiming for that at all.  Instead, it dispenses with any attempts at "warmth" and zeroes in on the awkward, uncomfortable, increasingly grotesque, and ultimately nightmarish experience of being in claustrophobic quarters with a family so dysfunctional it's amazing they can stand to be in the same house with each other. 

The idea here is that back in 1985, the Cooper family patriarch, Gord (Jones) has obtained a newfangled video camera from their sex-maniac neighbor, Bill Davidson (Dave Foley), in lieu of the $2,000 Bill owes him--money which Gord's pregnant wife, Nancy (Bee) was counting on for their big vacation at Orlando's Disney World.  As the festive occasion steadily deteriorates into an ordeal of disillusionment and chaos, youngest son Teddy (Nick McKinlay) uses the new video camera to record every ugly development.
 

 

Jayne Eastwood is hideously funny as Nancy's chain-smoking mother Nana, who insists that everyone eat mushrooms on toast for breakfast because it's an "old country" tradition.  Older son Marcus (Dylan Everett) is the ultimate nerd, throwing a fit because Dad has given him cheap imitations of the Star Wars toys he wanted for Christmas (such as a crappy Mr. Potato Head plush doll that's supposed to be Jabba the Hut) in addition to a new snow shovel and a stocking full of rock salt.  "Marcus, you're 17 years old," Gord reasons with him later.  "I think it's time you learned the truth about Santa.  He don't always bring you what you want."

Things get worse as the house fills up with relatives.  Gord's brother-in-law Nick (Mike Beaver, who co-wrote the script with Jones) is the ultimate booze-guzzling, un-PC-joke spewing, crude-as-hell middle-aged frat rat, whose idea of humor is to hump everything.  When Nancy's sisters show up, Aunt Bev's juvenile delinquent son Wayne steals Gord's car and Aunt Joan's gleefully insufferable little brat Dougie roundhouse-punches Gord right in the balls, eliciting my second genuine belly laugh of the movie.  Poppy, Nana's feeble, estranged husband, also gets groin-punched by Dougie as he sits in his wheelchair, prompting a frantic trip to the hospital.

The worst is yet to come, however, with the appearance of Gord's brother Tim, whom he hasn't spoken to in 17 years since Tim got overly "familiar" with Nancy on their wedding night while Gord lay passed out.  Worldly travel agent Tim is a real smoothie who wins over all the ladies with his charm and immediately starts putting the moves on Nancy again, eventually wearing down the frustrated housewife's defenses.  This leads to a showdown between the brothers that grows to outlandish proportions.

Personal revelations begin to emerge--Gord's sons learn disturbing new things about their parentage, the already-insecure Marcus discovers that he might not even be 100% male, and Gord reveals a sexual hang-up that even prompts Nick to flee in disgust.  At one point, Gord gets to have a tearfully heartfelt reconciliation scene with Nancy that's so mock-maudlin that I was impressed by the film's unapologetic emotional insincerity.


 

Unlike Chevy Chase's likable, well-meaning Clark Griswold, Gord is a crude, childish, insensitive jerk who makes Homer Simpson look like Cary Grant.  Gord and Nick are all over this movie like two Neanderthals in heat as they inhale increasing quantities of "Christmas cheer" and act out their most childish impulses while Gord's family situation falls to pieces around him.  Before it's all over, Gord will lock everyone out of the house in the freezing cold and drunkenly lay waste to Christmas dinner, thoughtfully shoving some turkey under Nana's door for when she wakes up.

Director Warren P. Sonoda pulls off the idea of having everything occur through the lens of a video camera pretty well, even though the performances aren't always strictly "real-life" convincing.  The script never slows down, constantly moving from one lowbrow gag to the next and throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks. 

The period humor is fun--Teddy remarks about how small the bulky video camera is, and while discussing Gord's impotence Nick jokes that someday doctors might invent some kind of "penis pill" to enhance virility. Even when it isn't funny, COOPERS' CHRISTMAS is trainwreck-interesting to watch once you become accustomed to where it's coming from.  And every five minutes or so something happens that is genuinely laugh-out-loud funny.

The DVD from Anchor Bay is in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen and Dolby Digital 5.1 sound, with English subtitles.  Extras include a director and producer commentary, a behind-the-scenes featurette, and a trailer.

COOPERS' CHRISTMAS just might become a holiday tradition for those who find the adventures of Clark Griswold and his family too highbrow and sophisticated.  I don't think it'll ever replace A CHRISTMAS STORY as the popular family favorite, though, unless your idea of family entertainment is seeing Dave Foley's cottage-cheese buttcheeks or watching Jason Jones pound one out on the john. 
 

COOPERS' CHRISTMAS -- DVD Review by Porfle

RED CHRISTMAS -- Movie Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 8/24/17

 

A movie that might also have been called "When Abortions Attack!", RED CHRISTMAS (Artsploitation Films, 2016) is a pretty effective cautionary tale about what can happen if your viable aborted fetus is rescued by the guy who's about to blow up the abortion clinic, grows up into a twisted, deformed freak, and then returns as an adult on Christmas Day to wreak bloody revenge on his erstwhile mother and her comically dysfunctional family. 

Of course, any such film must star beloved genre queen Dee Wallace as the mom, who so desperately wants a traditional, happy family get-together despite having a woefully untraditional, unhappy family with absolutely no intention of getting together.  Her only solace is son Jerry (Gerard Odwyer), whose Downs Syndrome only makes him more special in Mommy's heart.

The rest of the clan includes the rebellious teen girl, her witheringly cynical and very, very pregnant older sister, the ultra-religious sister whose husband is a pious man of the cloth, and Mom's old-hippie brother who is forever puffing away on his medicinal marijuana. 

The prickly interactions amongst this motley bunch, spurred by various family issues and clashing personalities, would be sufficient for a twisted "Big Chill" sort of ensemble dramedy were it not for the fact that their ritual of exchanging gifts around the Christmas tree is interrupted by the entrance of one Cletus, an extremely creepy figure robed in black and wrapped from head to toe like a leper. 

Anyone who watches the abortion clinic prologue and then gets a load of Cletus should have very little trouble putting two and two together as well as mentally mapping out pretty much what territory the rest of RED CHRISTMAS is going to cover. 

All that's left to discover is who's gonna die in what order, how (and how bad) it's going to be, and whether or not first-time writer-director Craig Anderson will be able to make it entertaining for us jaded old slasher-flick junkies. 

Of course, the movie has already proven itself absorbing and fun thanks to good dialogue and performances and a pleasing overall look which includes nicely creative use of color and camera movement. 

Once the axe hits the skull and Cletus starts racking up his body count, the story goes into high gear and keeps us on our toes even though most of the plot's twists and turns cover pretty familiar ground. 

Granted, things start to lag a bit in the second half, but remain generally engaging enough to keep us wanting to see what happens next.  The kills range from teasing glimpses to graphic gore (although this isn't really a gorehound's dream) while our fleeting glimpse of Cletus sans facial bandages drives home the pleasingly retro nature of the film's practical effects. 

The tone is mock serious, with any humor that's inherent in the script kept utterly deadpan and never overt, which I like.  I also like the fact that the premise is so refreshingly different from the usual teens-in-a-cabin or campers-in-the-woods slasher fare while retaining the better elements of such films.

Mainly, though, RED CHRISTMAS lets us enjoy watching the wonderful Dee Wallace giving her all in a great role while fun and entertaining murder, mayhem, and carnage ensue all around her.  It's enough to give horror fans a little taste of Christmas right here in the middle of August.



August 25th Theatrical Release:
Laemmle Music Hall 3
9036 Wilshire Blvd
Beverly Hills, CA 90211

Red Christmas: English / Australia / 82 minutes

RED CHRISTMAS -- Movie Review by Porfle

THE MERRY GENTLEMAN -- Movie Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 12/6/16

 

Kate Frazier has an abusive husband, so she runs away to find a new life in another city.  She meets a man named Frank who, although quietly enigmatic, seems very nice.  Trouble is, Frank is a suicidal hitman whose next victim just might be himself.  And yes, Kate really knows how to pick 'em.

In Michael Keaton's 2009 directorial debut THE MERRY GENTLEMAN (Breaking Glass Pictures), Kelly Macdonald (TRAINSPOTTING, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN) is appealing as Kate, who's quite likable herself and makes friends easily in her new office job.  When someone in her building is killed by a sniper (guess who), the investigating cop, Detective Dave Murcheson (Tom Bastounes), is smitten with Kate himself after questioning her about a man she saw teetering on the ledge of the building across the way. 

The man was our own suicidal Frank, who fell back out of danger when she screamed.  Grateful, Frank manages to meet Kate (they have a cute Christmas tree interlude) and they become friends.  It's the old story of two unlikely people reaching out to each other in a time of need.  And Kate's need grows even more urgent when her husband Michael (Bobby Cannavale, ANT MAN, 10 ITEMS OR LESS) tracks her down and shows up in her apartment, claiming to have been "born again."

Since we don't know if Michael's really a changed man or not, and we really kind of doubt it--as does Kate--this is where we think, "Hmm...good time for Kate to have a new best friend who's a professional hitman."  I wouldn't dream of giving away what happens next, but that's pretty much the set-up, and it's an intriguing one.

Keaton, of course, plays one of those palatable "movie" hitmen who, unlike their counterparts in real life who are nothing more or less than the absolute scum of the earth, we can actually like and identify with.  This nattily-dressed "gentleman" is even so thoughtful that he stops to set right a nativity figure that's fallen down.

Frank has developed a sour stomach for the job and his heart just isn't in it anymore.  So we pretty much buy that he can actually have a sweetly platonic relationship with an emotionally needy woman, especially since this relationship is plausibly simple and avoids getting overly cute.  (With the possible exception of the Christmas tree interlude.)

Michael Keaton, who, of course, we know and love from BATMAN, BEETLEJUICE, NIGHT SHIFT, and MR. MOM, among other things, plays Frank with remarkable restraint and doesn't veer too far into false sentiment to make him more likable.  His scenes with Kelly Macdonald also never try too hard to push our "aww" buttons. 

In fact, THE MERRY GENTLEMAN is so low-key and restrained overall that it barely tries to evoke much in the way of strong feeling from us at all.  It pretty much just shows us stuff happening in a very matter-of-fact way as we watch helplessly. 

Kate and Frank's oddball mutual attraction, Detective Murcheson's sudden infatuation with Kate and clumsy attempts to court her, the complications that ensue when Michael reappears--it all plays itself out with much the same sort of narrative detachment as THE BICYCLE THIEF.

As a director, Keaton lets it all unfold with a slowburn pace, which suits his non-sensationalistic handling of this material well.  He has a very neat visual style that I found quite pleasing, with the same taste and restraint that he applies to the story itself.

If you're looking for gritty cop-noir or tense action, this isn't going to ring your chimes.  More than anything, THE MERRY GENTLEMAN is a character study, albeit a decidedly unusual one, and goes for subtle emotional responses rather than exploiting the subject matter for suspense or thrills.  As such, I found this thoughtful, melancholy mood piece well worth devoting some time to.

THE MERRY GENTLEMAN -- Movie Review by Porfle

CAESAR AND OTTO'S DEADLY XMAS -- Movie Review by Porfle

(Originally posted on 8/28/12)


When we last checked in with those wacky half-brothers Caesar and Otto, they were frantically eluding the bloody clutches of a serial killer in CAESAR & OTTO'S SUMMER CAMP MASSACRE and trying not to get sued by the Prince of Darkness himself in CAESAR & OTTO MEET DRACULA'S LAWYER.  Now, with CAESAR AND OTTO'S DEADLY XMAS (2012), even "the most wonderful time of the year" becomes a nightmare of horror and hilarity for our dauntless dim-bulbs.

Directing his own screenplay (from a story co-written with Joe Randazzo) in his usual frenetic and wildly inventive style, indy auteur Dave Campfield once again stars as "effete tough guy" Caesar Denovio, a whirling dervish of cowardly aggression who fancies himself a great actor even though he bungles even the tiniest bit parts (such as "Waiter" or "Background Pedestrian").

Caesar constantly bullies and beats up on his much larger but mild-mannered half-brother Otto (Paul Chomicki), an unemployed "sponge" living in Caesar's apartment.  Together, Campfield and Chomicki form a comedy team that harkens back to such classic duos as Abbott & Costello and Ren & Stimpy, but with their own amusingly unique style.

Several elements from SUMMER CAMP MASSACRE are carried over here, including Caesar and Otto's quest for employment leading them into the manipulative clutches of the deceptively pleasant Jerry (Ken MacFarlane), who now heads an evil organization called XMas Enterprises.  Caesar gets to display his bad-acting chops again, this time failing his audition to play Santa due to a childhood trauma caused by crazy Grandpa Denovio (a hilarious cameo by Troma's Lloyd Kaufman).

There's a road trip complete with endearingly bad (if not impossible) process shots, along with another of Caesar's BABY JANE-style attacks on Otto as they compete for the same acting role.  The suspenseful climax recalls that of the previous film, with Caesar, Otto, and their dad Fred in grave peril at the hands of Jerry and his minions.

One of the most delightfully funny new wrinkles in DEADLY XMAS is when Caesar gets the chance to write, direct, and star in his very own low-budget horror film (financed by XMas Enterprises) which, of course, is a disaster.  "Hand-hold it, the shakier the better!" he says gleefully during one scene.  "That's, like, never done in independent films!"

 

Other returning castmembers include Robin Ritter as Nurse Helen, Avi K. Garg as the plucky Drew (who remains upbeat even though he keeps losing his arms and having them reattached), Scott Aguilar as Caesar and Otto's no-good but lovable dad Fred, Summer Ferguson as Otto's boyhood love interest Allison, Keith Bush as the Caesar-hating chief of police, Dawn Burdue, Jen Nikolaus, and Derek Crabbe. 

Felissa Rose (SLEEPAWAY CAMP), Martin Sheen's brother Joe Estevez, and scream queens Brinke Stevens and Debbie Rochon make their customary cameo appearances, while Linnea Quigley plays Caesar's crabby agent Donna and recreates her celebrated death scene from 1984's SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.

Felissa's husband Deron Miller, who had a much smaller role in SUMMER CAMP MASSACRE, plays Santa-clad serial killer Demian, a crazed lackey of XMas Enterprises who becomes fixated on our heroes and starts killing off everyone on the "called to cancel" list for Caesar's annual Thanksgiving feast (which features pretzel sticks, popcorn, and toast on picnic plates).  Demian's axe-wielding exploits supply the film with most of its over-the-top comedic gore, aside from a dream sequence in which a mortified Caesar gets drenched from head to toe in the red stuff while Santa dismembers Otto with a chainsaw.

Once again, Dave Campfield is able to overcome a rock-bottom budget simply by means of creative directing, camerawork, and editing (the latter is especially good), along with sound design and a hyperkinetic pace which recall classic theatrical cartoons.  In addition to this, the cast is brimming with talented performers rather than, as in so many low-budget features, a bunch of nitwits thrown together on the cheap.  There's a lot of good comic acting going on here, with each castmember seemingly inspired by the project.

This is especially true in regard to Campfield himself, who, given the right resources, has (in my opinion) the potential to develop into one of the sharpest and most visually creative comedy filmmakers working today.  While still suffering from a lack of polish that a decent budget would solve, his "Caesar and Otto" series has its own distinctly warped slapstick style and sensibility in the same way that, say, the Zucker Brothers' comedies do.  I'm not saying Dave Campfield is the next Buster Keaton, but I think ol' Stone Face might've gotten a few good laughs out of CAESAR AND OTTO'S DEADLY XMAS.

caesarandotto.com

Caesar & Otto’s Deadly Xmas--Fun Facts and Trivia

Story: With the holiday season approaching, Caesar and Otto find themselves employed at X-Mas Enterprises Inc., where a disgruntled employee wearing a Santa suit has begun a killing spree, and has appeared to have found himself the perfect patsies.

Cast: Dave Campfield, Paul Chomicki, Deron Miller, Ken Macfarlane, Summer Ferguson, Brinke Stevens, Scott Aguilar with special appearances from Lloyd Kaufman, Felissa Rose, Debbie Rochon, Joe Estevez and Linnea Quigley.


Trivia

The film is part spoof of 1984’s Silent Night, Deadly Night, and features many direct homages. Most notably, Linnea Quigley being impaled upon antlers.

Lloyd Kaufman’s appearance is a direct spoof of an opening scene from Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984).

Deadly Xmas is a sequel to Caesar & Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre, which lampooned “Sleep away Camp” (1983). Summer Camp featured Felissa Rose in a role that parodied her Angela character from the original.

Deron Miller, who portrays Demian in this feature, was lead singer of the hit rock group, CKY.

Deron Miller and Felissa Rose play husband and wife in the film. In real life they in fact are.

Neil Leeds is in fact a local Los Angeles celebrity known for his around the clock television ads as Leeds Mattress owner and spokesperson.

Preproduction has begun on the next installment, which will satirize both Halloween and the Paranormal Activity movies.

Intended to be a modern day throw back to the Abbott and Costello horror/comedy crossovers of yesteryear.

 

CAESAR AND OTTO'S DEADLY XMAS -- Movie Review by Porfle

Porfle's Movie Trivia #3: "A Christmas Story" (1983) (video)

In one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all time...

Ralphie's little brother Randy is an extremely picker eater.

But which food does he find especially revolting? 

I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!

 

Porfle's Movie Trivia #3: "A Christmas Story" (1983) (video)

Is It A Christmas Story? Read "LIVE FREELY OR DIE HARDLY" And Decide For Yourself!

Here's a couple of things a lot of people don't know about the classic Bruce Willis action flick DIE HARD.  

 

One, it really happened. Two, John McClane, the NYPD cop portrayed by Willis in the film, wasn't by himself during this amazing adventure because I, too, was there. That's right--I have totally been cheated out of my rightful place in cool action-movie history by being left out of that stupid movie. So now, at long last, I have decided to set the record straight and recount the thrilling details of my incredible exploits during the great Nakatomi Tower hostage crisis so that the world will have yet another reason to admire me for how awesome I am.




What happened was, I had gotten out of the elevator on the wrong floor during my search for the secret office of a fly-by-night back-alley bikini waxing technician named Wilbur Cranflanflan. I wasn't really interested in getting a bikini wax, but I'd just lost a bet with a friend of mine who insisted that there were only nine Bradys in "The Brady Bunch" (including Alice), while I was certain that there were at least five or six hundred.



I mean, who knew that they reused the same ones for every episode? You don't reuse the same hypodermic needle when you're giving out flu shots, and it seems only logical to me that the safety requirements for proper sterilization should extend to the individual Bradys as well. But apparently Sherwood Schwartz didn't share my concern, so, long story short, I was obliged to get a bikini wax from this Wilbur Cranflanflan, who, despite his silly name, had been highly recommended to me by my personal trainer, Biff.



As it turned out, I was in the wrong building anyway, but I noticed that there was a party under way when the elevator doors opened and, party animal that I was in my reckless youth, I quickly jumped in and started to mingle. People began staring at me right away, which I attributed to both my stunning good looks and the fact that I wasn't wearing any pants due to my impending bikini wax. "Please try to control yourselves, girls," I said modestly. "There's only one of me to go around." Wary of the growing sexual tension roiling within the female inhabitants of my vicinity, I slipped into an office and came face-to-face with Detective John McClane, who was walking around on the carpet barefoot, making fists with his feet. "Fists with your feet," he muttered with amusement.



I held up my right hand in the traditional Apache greeting. "How, Fists With Your Feet," I said. "My name is porfle, but my Native American name is 'Dances Like Jeff Goldblum.' Are you waiting to get a bikini wax, too?"



Suddenly, the sound of gunfire erupted from the main ballroom, followed by piercing screams! When I finally stopped screaming, McClane (as he preferred to be called, I discovered later) grabbed me by the collar and we ducked into a nearby stairwell. "Terrorists!" he cried. "I have to stop them!"



"And I have to find Wilbur Cranflanflan!" I added breathlessly as we ran upstairs to a floor that was still under construction. McClane paced around nervously, trying to decide what to do next, while I gaped in awe at all the cool power tools that were just laying around waiting for me to play with them. There was even an official orange hardhat for me to wear! I barely noticed when McClane picked up a nearby phone and started trying to contact the police, because I was in the process of hefting a massive circular saw that I'd just flicked on and was sawing my way through several stacks of expensive imported lumber along with various items of brand new office furniture.



"CONSTRUCTION WORKER PORFLE ON THE JOB!" I screamed in giddy delight over the ear-splitting din as the air was filled with billowing clouds of sawdust. Momentarily distracted by McClane's frantic attempts to make himself heard over the racket, I sawed my way right through one of those fancy boardroom tables and neatly bisected the telephone. McClane stood there dumfounded as the severed cord dangled from the receiver he was holding to his ear. But before he could thank me or whatever he was going to say, there came the sound of footsteps quickly approaching the room. It was the terrorists!



McClane dived under a table. "DUCK!" he shouted.



"WHERE?" I cried, glancing around. That's just what we needed in a fix like this, I thought--some stupid duck flying around!



At that moment, a huge, blonde German guy with a machine gun leapt into the doorway, his face twisted with rage. I wheeled around in surprise and let go of the circular saw, which flew across the room and landed right on the guy's foot. He barked in pain and started hopping around on his other foot, unleashing a stream of German cuss words that sounded even dirtier than the American ones, while McClane seized the opportunity to run up behind him and hit him over the head with a large potted plant. The German guy fell back against the wall and slid to the floor, the plant still perched decoratively on his head.



A sudden thought struck me. "Omigosh! What if THAT'S Wilbur Cranflanflan?"



McClane glared at me, trying to catch his breath. "Who the hell's Wilbur Cranflanflan?"



"He's the guy that this whole thing is all about!" I shot back, rolling my eyes. Then, while a puzzled McClane processed this information, I began to formulate a plan. We would crawl around in the air ducts and climb up and down the elevator shafts until we found a way to blow up the whole building, and then everything would be okay. I quickly relayed this plan to McClane, who gaped at me in sheer disbelief. I think my cool plan had totally astounded him!



Suddenly, a cruel but snidely sophisticated voice came from behind us. We spun around in unison to find a tall, dapper gent with a Van Dyke beard backed by a gang of vicious-looking henchmen with machine guns. "So," he said to McClane in an oily European accent, "you must be the 'cowboy' who has been running around trying to...how do you say it...'throw a monkey wrench' into my nefarious scheme."



McClane stood up straight and coolly met the man's gaze with an insouciant smirk. "And you," he said slowly, relishing the moment, "must be Wilbur Cranflanflan."



The man's smug look wilted. "No, I'm Hans Gruber," he said uneasily. "Who the hell is Wilbur Cranflanflan?"



"There," I volunteered, pointing to the unconscious guy with the potted plant sticking out of his head. "That's Wilbur Cranflanflan."



"No, he isn't," Gruber frowned. "That's my henchman, Karl."



"Well," I shrugged, "if it isn't you, and it isn't that guy, then it must be one of these other guys." I indicated the henchmen standing behind him. "Okay, which one of you guys is Wilbur Cranflanflan?"



The henchmen glanced around guiltily at one another for a few moments, then turned to Gruber and shrugged. "We're not sure, boss," one of them admitted.



"What do you mean, 'you're not sure'?"



"Well," he said sheepishly, "we don't know what this Cranflanflan guy looks like, and--"



"Okay, wait," Gruber said, waving them off with an impatient look. "I am becoming tired of this game." He pointed at me and McClane. "Kill them both. Now."



They all raised their machine guns. This was it. I had to think fast.



"FOOD FIGHT!!!" I screamed.



In the momentary confusion that settled over the group, I grabbed what appeared to be a picnic lunch bag out of Gruber's hands and began to throw its contents at them. "Yippie-ki-yay, melon farmers!" I cried. Hans Gruber recoiled, eyes wide with terror, as the bag's contents came flying straight toward him.



"MY DETONATORS!" he shrieked.



The explosion took out the entire floor and blasted every window on all four sides of the building to smithereens. Black smoke churned from the gaping blast holes while shattered glass rained down on the street below. The shock wave could be felt for several blocks.



By some insanely unlikely freak of scientific happenstance, I was totally unharmed by the blast. Some physics professors refer to this rare phenomenon as the "Sub-Atomic Shield of Stupidity", while others blame it on an ancient Mayan curse passed down through the ages by living mummies. As for McClane, the explosion blew him into an air duct, which he had to crawl around in for several hours until he finally fell down an elevator shaft.



Hans Gruber and his henchmen, of course, were declared missing and presumed dead--that is, until they turned up a few years later in the small town of Miller's Crotch, South Dakota, delivering singing telegrams in gorilla suits. They all had amnesia and remembered nothing of their former lives save for the mysterious name "Wilbur Cranflanflan", the mere mention of which sent them screaming hysterically up trees and down manholes.



Anyway, you can see how markedly different Hollywood's version of the events is from what really happened. They added a lot of stuff to make it more exciting, but more importantly, they totally ignored my daring and heroic actions during the crisis. The only explanation that I've been able to come up with is that they simply couldn't find anyone great enough to play me in the movie. One good thing did come out of it, though--after miraculously surviving the explosion, I no longer needed that bikini wax. 

 

Is It A Christmas Story? Read "LIVE FREELY OR DIE HARDLY" And Decide For Yourself!

UGLY SWEATER PARTY -- Movie Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 11/25/18

 

I don't usually do this, but I'm going to leave it up to IMDb to describe UGLY SWEATER PARTY (2018) to you.

"An ugly sweater party turns into a bloodbath when an evil Christmas sweater possesses one of the partygoers." There, that's it!  I'm outta here!

Okay, not really, but that's a pretty concise summary of this movie for starters.  After that, writer-director Aaron Mento simply piles on as much graphic gore, extreme gross-out humor, and unbridled sacriledge as can be heaped like a ton of bird droppings onto a low-budget 81-minute horror comedy.

Going into more detail: horny but shy Cliff (Charles Chudabala) and his comically (?) crude friend Jody (Hunter Johnson) drive deep into the woods after receiving an email invitation to an "ugly sweater party" from two sisters, Samantha and Susan, whom they previously sorta had sex with at another party. (The first time we see Jody, he's in the john shaving his nads, and that's one of the more tasteful scenes.)

When they get there, however, they discover that they're in a backwoods Bible camp and that the girls, since born again, just got baptized that day. Their parents are total weirdos, especially their horny mom, Mrs. Mandix (Felissa Rose, SLEEPAWAY CAMP, DARK CHAMBER, CAESAR & OTTO'S SUMMER CAMP MASSACRE), and the girls are still pretty flaky, so the guys hang around in hopes of still getting laid.

What they don't know is that the ugly sweater that Cliff stole from a roadside drifter is haunted by the evil spirit of dead serial killer Declan Rains (Sean Whalen, LAID TO REST, ALL SUPERHEROES MUST DIE, THE FP), and before long the possessed Cliff will be trying to stab, strangle, and chainsaw everyone in sight, including a passel of secondary characters who are so obnoxious that we can't wait for it to happen.

Overall, the film is like a Robin Williams stand-up routine in that it keeps launching oozing gobs of hit-and-miss humor at your face until, if you're like me, you just want to start batting it away with a cricket bat.

Add to that enough splattery mayhem to keep gorehounds in seizures of bliss and the less discerning viewer will stay well occupied until fadeout.

Finally, the sacriledge quotient of this film is off the charts, so if that bugs you (as it does me), you're going to find UGLY SWEATER PARTY about as much fun as dental work without novacaine.  And if  in addition to that, you also despise death metal (really, this flick seems to have it out for me),  then you're going to hate the fact that this movie has a death metal band and it plays a whole lot of, yes, death metal.

But if you and those no-good friends of yours get off on all that vile, repellant stuff, then this is the movie to watch during your next keg party or mutual toenail clipping circle or whatever.

In fact, I can imagine certain people jumping up and down with joy and leaping out of windows due to their extremely positive reaction to the utter, unrestrained crudeness (which, surprisingly, is very nicely shot with several sweeping aerial views and other drone-camera effects) and gleeful offensiveness generated by this cinematic affront.

There's also some nudity (mostly hairy guys), some death-ray carnage from an ousted groundskeeper out for revenge against Mr. and Mrs. Mandix, and some other assorted amusements.

So if you're like me, you're going to enthusiastically refrain from wholeheartedly endorsing UGLY SWEATER PARTY, but if you're not like me, you're just as likely to think it's the most delightful film you've seen all afternoon.  Choose wisely!

UGLY SWEATER PARTY -- Movie Review by Porfle

STAR TREK: BEYOND -- Blu-ray/DVD Review by Porfle

 Originally posted on 11/22/2016

 

Often I'll like a movie better upon repeat viewing, but rarely have I gone from "disappointed" to "delighted" as drastically as I did during my second look at STAR TREK: BEYOND (2016). 

The trouble is, the darn thing is just so dense, so packed full of action, dialogue, special effects, etc. which are all edited together like a Tsui Hark movie but without the light-fingered finesse.  To be honest, I missed so much of the story details and subtleties the first time around that much of what I saw seemed like a jumbled mess. (Plus, Zachary Quinto's Spock wig looks pretty bad this time.)

Not so upon second viewing, one free of the need to decipher the plot points that go sprinting past in competition with the constant barrage of sound and fury and motorcycles and demolition derbies with starships instead of jalopies.  (The wig still looks bad.)

 

 All of which, by the way, is fantastic and at times a bit staggering.  There's one sequence about twenty minutes into the film, in fact, that's so blazingly, heart-poundingly catastrophic for the Enterprise and its crew that it's pretty hard for the rest of the movie to top it--which it never quite does.  But it tries, bless its little dilithium crystal heart.

With this, the third installment in the Abrams-verse reboot (with its all-new altered timeline that keeps us from knowing what will happen next) Chris Pine's Captain James T. Kirk and crew have been out there on that five-year mission for almost three years and this Kirk, who didn't grow up with a father's guidance and is still maturing and feeling his way through life right before our eyes, finds the whole deep space experience repetitive and boring (or as he puts it in meta terms, "episodic.") 

But an alien woman's distress cry for help to rescue her stranded crew on a planet deep inside an uncharted nebula sends the Enterprise on a mission that will give Kirk more excitement and danger than even he could bargain for.  Not surprisingly, this involves yet another alien bad guy out for revenge, this time against the entire Federation for reasons we'll discover after lots of fighting and shooting and starships going boom.

 

Idris Elba guest stars as bad guy Krall, who resembles the reptilian villain from the sci-fi spoof GALAXY QUEST (which this movie resembles in other ways as well).  Krall wants a device in Kirk's possession and will do anything to get it because it's vital in his plan to destroy an entire Federation space outpost known as "Yorktown" which is home to millions of intergalactic citizens.

My favorite new character is the endearingly plucky Jaylah, played by Sofia Boutella who will be the title character in the upcoming MUMMY reboot. Here, Sophia looks great as an albino with long white hair and elegant ebony facial markings.  As another stranded prisoner of Krall's hostile planet, Jaylah forms a special bond with Simon Pegg's "Scotty" and supplies the Enterprise bridge crew with something vital: a derelict ship (her "house" as she calls it) that might, with Scotty's expert help, be coaxed into flight once again.

Each of the main characters is allowed ample screen time.  John Cho's Sulu, of course, gets to be the new "gay" character in the series, even though Sulu has always previously been hetero.  (Even George Takei is adamant on this point.)  It's not such a big deal, though--we see him greet his little daughter Demora in Yorktown and put an arm around his male partner (director Justin Lin), and that's it.

Spock and Uhura (Zoe Saldana) have their first lovers' spat, with an amicable yet painful breakup.  Anton Yelchin, tragically gone from us now, offers his charming interpretation of Ensign Chekov one last time.  And upon the main three--Kirk, Spock, and "Bones" McCoy (Karl Urban)--the script dotes with disarming fondness.

For action fans, STAR TREK: BEYOND kicks plenty of intergalactic ass both on the planet, where Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, Chekov, and Uhura must rescue their captured shipmates from Krall and his army, to the Yorktown space-city itself once Krall launches his all-out attack involving thousands of prickly little drone ships that swarm like bees and utterly obliterate whatever they descend upon.  All of this goes by fast and furious, so this is where that second viewing comes in handy.

Speaking of which, director Lin of the "Fast & Furious" films does his best to emulate J.J. Abrams while not quite capturing a certain candy-counter, toy-store, Christmas morning kind of essence his predecessor seemed capable of injecting into these films. In my review of the first STAR TREK reboot I described it as a "grandly entertaining cherry-red fire engine of a space flick", something Lin doesn't quite pull off.

Still, he does a capable job and manages to keep the series on a high level.  What seems most problematic for many Trek fans, in fact, is that there's so much action effectively dominating the proceedings that no time is left either for meaningful character interaction or contemplation of the deep, intellectual themes Gene Roddenberry was known for in his original vision of the "Star Trek" universe. (At least in hindsight.)

As for the former, I think these films contain a wealth of terrific character interaction, highly meaningful little moments that occur at scattered points throughout each installment in the series, some lighthearted and frivolous (old philosophical adversaries Spock and Bones get several choice exchanges), some deeply moving (such as Kirk's ruminations on his late father and how different are their career paths and goals as Starfleet captains). 

The latter, I admit, is pretty accurate--these films aren't always that thematically profound.  But neither was every episode of the original series.  And this is a brash young version of the Enterprise crew, impatient to go out there into that last frontier and raise some hell.  They don't want to stop and take the time to be all that thoughtful and contemplative, nor do they have as much life experience to be all that thoughtful and contemplative about.

There are different kinds of Star Trek and they don't all have to be alike.  This is Action "Star Trek."  For a change of pace, it suits this long-time Trekker just fine.

The 2-disc Blu-ray/DVD combo from Paramount Home Media Distribution contains a Blu-ray disc with the movie and special features, a DVD with the movie, and a code for downloading a digital HD copy of the film.  The Blu-ray disc contains a gag reel, deleted scenes, and the following featurettes: "Beyond the Darkness: Story Origins"; "Enterprise Takedown: Destroying an Icon"; "Trekking Into the Desert: On Location in Dubai"; "To Live Long and Prosper: 50 Years of Star Trek"; and tributes to the late Leonard Nimoy and Anton Yelchin. 

STAR TREK: BEYOND is brand-spanking new and scintillatingly different, yet filled with welcome echoes of the past (there's a particularly poignant Spock moment, and an ending which recalls STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME in a big way).  With this latest entry in the rebooted series, what's old is new again, and I love warping off into the final frontier with this young crew that's so bursting with promise for the future.

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STAR TREK: BEYOND -- Blu-ray/DVD Review by Porfle

CHRISTMAS WITH THE 3 STOOGES! (video)

Nothing beats watching poor Moe try to decorate the tree...the Stooge way!

His long-suffering wife (Mary Ainslee) can only observe in horror.

And when the Three Stooges celebrate the Christmas season...

...it's Season's Beatings for the three knuckleheads!


HE COOKED HIS GOOSE (1952)
MALICE IN THE PALACE (1949)
BLUNDER BOYS (1955)
TRIPLE CROSSED (1959)


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!

 (Originally posted on 12/12/19)

CHRISTMAS WITH THE 3 STOOGES! (video)

KILLER RACCOONS 2: DARK CHRISTMAS IN THE DARK -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 7/26/20

 

Remember how all the action movies after DIE HARD were described as "DIE HARD in an airplane" or "DIE HARD on a cruise ship", etc.? Well, KILLER RACCOONS 2: DARK CHRISTMAS IN THE DARK (Indican Pictures, 2020) is like "AIRPLANE! on a train", or maybe "UNDER SIEGE 2 by way of AIRPLANE! but on another train", or anything with both AIRPLANE! and trains in it.

Of course, everyone knows AIRPLANE! is that hilarious deadpan comedy that spoofed the dead-serious "Airport" disaster movies. And in case you've forgotten, UNDER SIEGE 2 was that Steven Seagal movie about terrorists aboard a moving train.

Anyway, this movie is all of that with the addition of at least one key element: killer raccoons.

One character recalls yet another similar action film when he exclaims, "I'm tired of these (bleep) raccoons on this (bleep) train!" The raccoons in question are trained machine-gun-toting killers in service of a group of mercenaries who take over a passenger train car carrying the remote control console of an orbiting death ray satellite (the PEN15) built by our government and manned, so to speak, by--you guessed it--more raccoons.

Thus, the crazed terrorists, who all wear eyepatches and indulge in raucous evil laughter while taunting frantic military leaders with their demands, hold the world for ransom while the only person who has previous experience in fighting killer raccoons, Ty Smallwood (Yang Miller), happens to be on the train after serving a ten-year prison term for underage drinking.

We eventually learn that just about everyone in the cast was also involved in the events of the previous film ("Coons!: Night of the Bandits of the Night") and were presumed dead but it turns out they weren't really dead.

Now, such government agents as Agent Charlesworth and staunch feminist Agent Woman, who happened to be on the train, end up REALLY dead while Ty, who now wants to be called "Casey" (long story), must stay alive long enough to thwart the bad guys' evil scheme.

That's about all the explanation I can give for how incredibly kooky this comedy is, because it's brimming with non-stop jokes and moves at a frantic pace that just doesn't let up, as a large cast of characters spews funny lines with just the right degree of bone-dry, straight-faced seriousness.

In fact, this hyper-screwball comedy is pretty much the limit as to how incredibly silly you can get while still being deadpan at the same time. Even notorious porn star Ron Jeremy finds just the right balance of serious and over-the-top as a military general called in to help deal with the crisis. (There's a great blooper included with him repeatedly blowing a line containing the word "fracking.")

Writer-director Travis Irvine, who helmed the first movie and plays a TV reporter named Dick Weener, deftly keeps all this insanity moving along at a brisk clip and knows just how to navigate this kind of material for utmost comic effect.

The script is unapologetically cheesy and basks in the lowest of lowbrow humor--even the PEN15 satellite resembles a giant sex toy--with each member of the cast portraying it as though their paychecks depended on it.

Action-wise, it's pretty much all one might wish for in an action flick between heroic humans and stuffed raccoons with guns being manipulated in such an intentionally fake-looking way that they make the Muppets look elegantly realistic in comparison, engaging in blazing gunfights and hand-to-paw combat both inside and outside of the moving train.

Some of our favorite action-movie cliches show up, including the hero's portly black friend who loves Twinkies, a final mano a mano battle against the burliest bad guy (which includes a waffle iron vs. a George Foreman grill), a craven reporter endangering everyone's lives for an exclusive, and a cheery Christmas theme.

The DVD from Indican Pictures contains the following extras: filmmaker commentary, 2 behind-the-scenes featurettes, a trailer, and bloopers.  English subtitles are available.

I was going to watch the first half of this movie over my evening coffee and peanuts and then finish it off later during dinner, but I almost found myself watching the whole freaky-deaky thing in one dazed sitting. KILLER RACCOONS 2: DARK CHRISTMAS IN THE DARK grabs you by the pants leg, tickles all your funny bones, beats your brain into submission, and leaves you wondering what the (beep) you just watched.


Buy it at Indican Pictures

TECH SPECS

Runtime: 96 minutes
Format: 1:78 HD
Sound: Dolby Sr.
Country: USA
Language: English
Rating: Pending

KILLER RACCOONS 2: DARK CHRISTMAS IN THE DARK -- DVD Review by Porfle