Detective Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) is pursuing a mad bomber...
...in this hilarious parody of coffee commercials.
He consults with Police Squad's resident forensic expert.
But too much caffeine has made him cranky.
Decaf to the rescue!
I neither own nor claim any rights to this material. Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!
Originally posted on 9/24/20
I've just viewed the stomach-churning Indonesian gorefest PRIMITIVES, aka "Savage Terror" (Severin Films, 1980), which rivals Lucio Fulci and Bruno Mattei's rawest, grisliest jungle carnage epics for sheer shock and disgust.
Having done so, it's safe to say that the vast majority of "normal" film aficianados will go miles out of their way to avoid it while a very small percentage of twisted gorehounds will machete their way through dense jungles to beat a path to its door.
Doing just that, in fact, are our main characters, hunky Robert (Barry Prima, THE WARRIOR), babe-a-licious Rita (Enny Haryono), and nerdy Tommy (Johann Mardjono), who, along with jungle-savvy guide Bisma (Rukman Herman), are making their way deep into the bush to study the most primitive tribe they can find in order to beef up their college cred.
Up until the midpoint of the story it's all just the usual trudging through the brush and rafting down the river as our main characters engage in adventurous frivolity, foolishly thinking they're up to whatever's in store for them.
That's when the crockpot of horror that PRIMITIVES has been cooking up till then is finally ready to be served up to these unsuspecting dweebs, starting with a surprise attack that separates Robert and Rita from the others and lands them smack in the middle of the primitive tribe's village for some of the bloodiest, creepiest, and downright ickiest goings-on that this sort of movie can dredge up.
Animal lovers will be aghast at much of it, with one of the film's major setpieces consisting of a live alligator being disembowled as its insides are hacked into pieces which are then tossed to members of the tribe to voraciously devour raw. (Other shocking sights include a leopard taking on two crocodiles and a really big iguana being swallowed whole by a really big snake.)
Scarier still is the fact that the gore-encrusted extras in these sequences seem as bug-eyed crazy as the characters they're playing, chowing down greedily on pulsating animal parts and showering themselves in warm blood.
In fact, it's often downright impossible to distinguish the real blood and guts from the fake. It's as though the filmmakers managed to corral an entire herd of freaked-out circus geeks to perform for the camera in exchange for all the raw meat they could devour.
Lest we forget, though, there's still the story of Robert and Rita enduring prolonged torment at the hands of these ultra-primitives and finally making their escape followed by a lengthy chase scene as they trudge toward the river where freedom awaits. A few surprises pop up here and there, someone gets a spear right in the crotch, and finally the whole searing fever dream is over.
The Blu-ray from Severin Films was scanned in HD from the Jakarta vault negative. Kraftwerk fans will recognize their classic song "The Robots" in the opening credits. Extras include interviews with producer Gope T. Samtani and screenwriter Imam Tantowi, a trailer, and an alternate title sequence. The case features reversible art and the special edition comes with a slipcover.
Still the only film of its kind ever made Indonesia, PRIMITIVES finds director Sisworo Gautama Putra, screenwriter Imam Tantowi and producer Gope T. Samtani putting together a film with negligible production values, gut-wrenching imagery, some disturbing animal abuse, and a supporting cast of wretches who look like genuine refugees from an asylum for the dangerously insane. To watch it is to subject oneself to an endurance test, perhaps gauging our own responses to it in order to evaluate just how nutty we are.
Buy it at Severin Films
Special edition w/slipcover
Special Features:
Producing PRIMITIVES – Interview with Producer Gope T. Samtani
Way Down in the Jungle Deep – Interview with Screenwriter Imam Tantowi
Trailer
Alternate Title Sequence
Reversible Wrap
Exclusive slipcover (special editon only)
Reversible art:
Slipcover art (special edition only):
Originally posted on 9/30/12
During the initial TV run of the World War II drama series "Combat!" (1962-67) I couldn't get into it because it was too grown-up. During its syndicated reruns, I was going through my "pacifist" phase and couldn't stand to watch anything war-related unless it was blatantly, even stridently anti-war. Now, however, I'm blazing my way through Image Entertainment's 5-disc DVD set COMBAT! FAN FAVORITES 50th ANNIVERSARY like Patton making a beeline to Berlin.
Without a doubt, this is some of the best stuff ever done for series television. Gritty, realistic (as far as I know, anyway), and unflinchingly adult, the adventures of Sgt. Saunders (Vic Morrow), Lt. Hanley (Rick Jason), and their battle-weary squad of American infantry veterans in post-Normandy Europe puts us right in the middle of all the action and lets us share some of the emotional and existential turmoil that haunts these soldiers every perilous step of the way.
No flag-waving here--these are simply stories about hot, tired, and, most of all, scared soldiers doing a grueling job and trying to stay alive on the front lines. The streetwise Kirby (Jack Hogan), Lousiana bayou denizen Caje (Pierre Jalbert), gentle giant Littlejohn (Dick Peabody), and compassionate medic Doc (Conlan Carter) wade into the fray with guns blazing yet struggle to retain their humanity, always coming across as three-dimensional human beings and never simple action figures.
Originally posted on 3/1/17
You know you're in for a good time when a movie not only meets whatever modest expectations you may have for it, but continually surpasses them from the first scene all the way to the last.
Not that SLASHER.COM (2017) is in danger of winning Best Picture or anything, but it does take the lowbrow and often "blah" genre that is its namesake and uses it as the raw material to carve out a finely-hewn piece of cinematic folk art.
A dynamic opening titles sequence recounting the recent slasher murders of St. Louis singles answering lonely hearts ads online leads us to, you guessed it, a couple of strangers hooking up via an online dating service and venturing out into the wilds of Missouri to spend a getting-to-know-you weekend in a secluded cabin.
Originally posted on 5/23/10
Few novels have yielded as many movie adaptations as Robert Louis Stevenson's classic Jekyll-and-Hyde story. This tale of the eternal conflict between good and evil within every individual is not only a fascinating story, but it serves as a jumping-off point for filmmakers to come up with a seemingly endless number of variations and interpretations--DR. BLACK AND MR. HYDE, DR. JEKYLL AND SISTER HYDE, MARY REILLY, and even THE NUTTY PROFESSOR come to mind--with wildly varying degrees of success.
Now we can add writer-director John Carl Buechler's THE STRANGE CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (2006) to the list. This time the story takes place in the present, retaining just enough elements of the original novel to justify using the title. Golden-voiced genre fave Tony Todd (CANDYMAN, THE CROW) stars as Dr. Henry Jekyll, a research scientist working for a corporation that's funding some kind of nano-technology experiments on chimps. He's developed a nano-serum that, when injected into the bloodstream, can drastically alter the physical makeup of the subject and devolve it to a more beastly state.
It goes without saying, of course, that Jekyll has been unwisely using the serum on himself. I'm not sure why, since this version of the character doesn't seem to be motivated by the idea of separating the good and evil sides of his nature. The fact that the serum turns him into a murderous human monster seems to be an unforeseen side-effect. But I guess it doesn't really matter, since this film doesn't aspire to be anything more than a gory monster movie--which it succeeds in doing pretty well.
Originally posted on 11/18/2019
I went into THE PERILS OF GWENDOLINE IN THE LAND OF THE YIK YAK, aka "Gwendoline" (Severin Films, 1984) expecting to see the usual "so bad it's good" cheesefest. What I didn't expect was for it to be "so bad it's epic."
The film starts with a beautiful minute-long tracking shot of a Chinese shipping dock that's so detailed and crowded with costumed extras, so well-choreographed, and so artistically layered that it's worthy of comparison to Ridley Scott's city exteriors in BLADE RUNNER.
This lavishly detailed eye-candy continues throughout the early part of the film, leading to equally impressive exteriors when director Just Jaeckin (EMMANUELLE, THE STORY OF O) takes us outside for some location shots in jungles and deserts which boast magnificent exotic vistas.
Originally posted on 3/11/16
From the legendary Shaw Brothers, THE HEROIC ONES (1970) is a rousing tale of ancient China that's a feast for fans of sword and spear action done on a grand scale.
As the Tang Dynasty wanes, warlords Li Ke Yong and Zhu Wen become allies in the fight against bandit leader Wang Chao, who has taken over the capital city of Changon.
Li Ke Yong's thirteen generals, whom he has adopted and regards as sons, are fierce super-warriors who love a good battle as much as they love getting drunk and making whoopee. He chooses nine of them to be led by thirteenth son Chun Xiao in a mission to retake Changon and kill Wang.
Originally posted on 9/6/11
Lightweight chills may semi-scare you when you learn the SECRETS IN THE WALLS (2010), a Lifetime Channel ghost flick that takes us by-the-numbers into familiar fright territory.
Jeri Ryan stars as Rachel, a divorced mom raising daughters Lizzie and Molly in a cramped city apartment. A new job takes her to one of those quiet, tree-lined neighborhoods where she ends up buying a large old house after getting the full B.S. treatment from a smarmy real estate agent. At first, it seems the place is just perfect, until Rachel and the girls discover that it's haunted.
As is often the case, the scenes which gradually introduce the supernatural element into the characters' lives are the spookiest. It's only later when the filmmakers have to start showing and explaining more that things get less convincing and more contrived. A latter-half plot twist really pushes the whole thing to a new level of incredulity.
Till then, though, we're treated to a rather politely unsettling thriller that zings us with a few minor jump scares, plus some creepy situations revolving around a hidden room in the basement which hides a decades-old secret. Claiming the basement as her bedroom, teenage daughter Lizzie (Kay Panabaker, "CSI", "No Ordinary Family") is the focus of the haunting, with her "night terror" ordeal providing the most effective chills in the entire story. Later, when that thing I referred to happens, she proves a rather generic presence even when trying to be menacing.
All of the characters are pretty shallow, with the still-striking Jeri Ryan ("Star Trek: Voyager"'s Seven of Nine) serving as both the standard strong-single-mom and the derisively eye-rolling skeptic type who always irritates me by condescendingly poo-pooing any notion of the supernatural until it hits her right over the head. Peyton List as Molly performs her current specialty, which is being somebody's cute little blonde daughter as in the recent BEREAVEMENT.
Molly, it turns out, is psychic and senses what's going on in the house although naturally Mom chalks it up to an overactive imagination. Thanks to writer's convenience, Rachel's new co-worker Belle (Oscar nominee Marianne Jean-Baptiste, "Without a Trace", TAKERS) is also a "sensitive" and offers to help, giving us a psychic duo to double-team the invasive entity. Molly, of course, sees it popping up all over the place in the early scenes, which gives Peyton List plenty of chances to act scared.
The script by William Penick and Chris Sey is almost a checklist of comfortably familiar elements, some of which I've already mentioned. They include (1) the real estate agent pawning off a haunted house on an unsuspecting buyer, (2) the "strong" single mom who is also (3) an annoying skeptic, (4) the sensitive child who can see ghosts and (5) whose strange drawings concern her teacher, (6) the secret room that's been walled off, (7) the medicine cabinet mirror that reveals a ghost when opened, and (8) the "main character digs up a shocking old news story at the library" scene. And when the real estate agent mentions that the house is the only one in the neighborhood with an open staircase, you pretty much know that sooner or later someone's going to fall over the railing.
The DVD from Vivendi is in widescreen with Dolby 5.1 sound. No subtitles, but closed-captioning is provided. No extras.
Not great by any means but not bad enough to avoid, SECRETS IN THE WALLS is easy-to-take entertainment for viewers who want to shudder at some mildly spooky happenings without being taken too far out of their comfort zones.
Originally posted on 9/18/18
Get ready to duck, because BLOOD CHILD (Random Media, 2017) throws everything it can get its hands on at the viewer, including the bloody kitchen sink.
We know right away that Ashley (Alyx Melone) is either nuts or dabbling in the supernatural when we see her and her obsequious maid from Singapore, Siti (Cynthia Lee MacQuarrie) cavorting in the backyard with a little girl in a red dress not long after Ashley's tragic, traumatic miscarriage.
It's made pretty clear that not only does Ashley not have a daughter, but Siti has a penchant for the black arts and has somehow cooked up a phantom replacement for Ashley's lost child.
Originally posted on 6/16/10
In 2010, Fangoria magazine teamed up with Lightning Media and Blockbuster for a series of eight horror/thrillers which were available exclusively on DVD, VOD, and digital download under the "Fangoria FrightFest" banner. This film is part of that series.
Hardly the sort of flashy, pyrotechnics-packed SPFX show POLTERGEIST turned out to be, 2009's THE HAUNTING (aka NO-DO: THE BECKONING) is the kind of slow-building, stately-paced ghost story that really gets under your skin if you're willing to settle in and let it go to work on you.
In 1940s Spain under General Franco, propaganda newsreels known as "No-Dos" packaged the latest news for general theater audiences, but a certain number of these films containing sensitive material were made for privileged eyes only. Thus, only high-ranking members of the Catholic church were allowed to view footage involving a mysterious prostitute purported to be able to perform miracles, and the ill-fated process of judging her suitability for canonization which resulted in her supposed suicide and other unfortunate consequences.
Jump ahead to the present day, where Francesca (Ana Torrent), Pedro (Francisco Boira), their young daughter Rosa, and their infant son have just moved into the imposing old country mansion, formerly a school for priests, where the previous events took place. Having lost their first child ten years earlier, Francesca is overprotective of their new baby to the point of frazzled obsession, which worries her husband. And making things worse is the fact that Francesca is beginning to experience a growing number of terrifying paranormal visions as Pedro fears that she's losing her mind. But we know better, don't we?
The film is directed with stylish assurance by Elio Quiroga and elegantly photographed, with a very deliberate pace that allows us to wallow in the deeply atmospheric mood. Argento fans should feel at home here, as will those who enjoy creepy old B-movies such as THE SCREAMING SKULL. Special effects for their own sake are kept to a minimum and serve the story, with some genuinely unsettling ghostly images augmented by two or three blood-chilling jump scares. A robust musical score alternates between sinewy subtlety and ear-splitting cacophony.
As the story builds to a climax there's a fairly shocking surprise ending with some nasty twists. (I'm glad I'm not one of those "I saw it coming" people--who wants to always know the surprise before it's revealed?) In one of the best moments, Francesca, following one of the ghosts into the house's musty attic, finds herself inside the darkest and most ghastly of the old No-Do films and witnesses firsthand the horrors which inspired the haunting itself. Unfortunately, the appearance of a final apparition which is meant to be the ultimate embodiment of evil is a bit of a letdown after all the anticipation, its monsterish countenance rather conventional and not very imaginatively designed. But this is a minor quibble since the rest of the film is so pervasively effective.
DVD specs were unavailable, but according to Fangoria.com the film, "arriving as a Blockbuster exclusive August 6, will include a subtitled making-of featurette, the 8 FANGORIA FRIGHTS cable special and the eight FrightFest trailers. The DVD will offer both Spanish (with subtitles) and English-language soundtracks."
I've seen THE HAUNTING twice now and liked it even more the second time because I could better appreciate its visual style, good performances, and devious little nuances. It's an old-fashioned ghost story with the visceral impact of a modern horror tale, and it left me feeling satisfied if not entirely terrified.
Originally posted on 10/28/20
Hardly the exploitation thriller the title would suggest, SHOCK TREATMENT (Severin Films, 1972) is a sober, deliberately-paced foray into slowburn suspense and growing tension that gradually develops like a photograph until the disturbing final image is revealed.
This French production from director and co-writer Alain Jessua (THE KILLING GAME, LIFE UPSIDE DOWN) offers its own take on a now familiar premise: a patient at a secluded clinic/ wellness resort/ rejuvanation facility begins to see beyond the fascade of happy patients and benign doctors and suspects a more sinister agenda at work.
That patient is Hélène Masson (Annie Girardot, ROCCO AND HIS BROTHERS, THE PIANO TEACHER), a woman in her late 30s who feels that age is catching up with her and yearns for something that will keep her a step ahead of it.
As one might suspect (and Hélène indeed eventually does), not all is as it seems despite the regular customers basking in their newfound youthful glow and crowing about Dr. Devilers as they laze about in saunas draped in seaweed or cavort naked in the warm ocean waves. (The scene in which Delon himself strips to the skin and joins them will definitely be of interest to his fans.)
The plot thickens when Hélène notices the Portuguese servants hired to work there, all healthy young men, begin to behave strangely as though drugged and/or somehow depleted, and when tragedy strikes her friend after he expresses his own fears about the place and wishes to leave, she takes it upon herself to investigate what's really going on there. This, of course, puts her in grave peril.
With the beautiful French seaside as his canvas, director Jessua has concocted an attractively mounted and technically adept visual page-turner that grows more absorbing with each unsettling revelation.
His most valuable asset is a solid performance by Annie Girardot, whose Hélène is a thoroughly likable and identifiable protagonist for whom we care quite a bit as death and deceit begin to close in on her.
Alain Delon's handsome but shady doctor is less of a stretch, although he acquits himself well. The rest of the cast capably portray their spoiled, idle-rich sycophants of Dr. Devilers who care about nothing but their own well-being and endless vanity.
The film has been described as a political allegory, which seems apt enough, although it might apply to any scenario in which people blindly follow a charismatic leader who offers them promises and pipe dreams at a terrible price.
SHOCK TREATMENT has that look and feel of a "foreign film" (unless, of course, you happen to be French) in the best sense of the term, offering a refreshingly different sensibility that increases our own vicarious feeling of being in a strange, unfamiliar setting. While never resorting to gore or sensation for its own sake, it builds to a chilling climax that may leave you as dazed and disoriented as its hapless heroine.
Buy the standard Blu-ray edition (single disc)
Buy the 2-disc SE w/slipcover, reversible wrap, and CD soundtrack
Buy the DVD
Special Features:
Alain Jessua – The Lone Deranger: Interview with Bernard Payen, Curator at The Cinémathèque Française
Koering’s Scoring – Interview with Soundtrack Composer René Koering
Director’s Disorder – Interview with Director Alain Jessua
Drumrunning – René Koering Commentary on Three Sequences
Trailer
Special Limited Edition also includes:
Reversible Wrap
Limited Edition Slipcover
CD Soundtrack
Disc Specs:
Aspect ratio: 1.66:1
Audio: English mono with optional closed captions, French mono with English subtitles
Region A
Special edition slipcover:
Special edition reversible cover:
Originally posted on 10/24/19
If it were possible to actually O.D. on a combination of so-bad-it's-good Italian horror cinema and pure, undiluted 80s kitsch, then 1989's PAGANINI HORROR (Severin Films) from writer/director Luigi Cozzi (CONTAMINATION, STARCRASH) might be the fix that could kill us all.
You're really in for it once you start to mainline this heady concoction which begins, after a prologue in which a violin-playing little girl cutely electrocutes her mother in the bathtub, with a recording session by an all-girl trio in a recording studio belting out one of the worst 80s power ballads ever.
Lead singer Kate (Jasmine Main) is told by shrewish producer Lavinia (Maria Cristina Mastrangeli) that her music just ain't cutting the mustard anymore and she'd better find a new songwriter.
That's when Kate's drummer Daniel (Pascal Persiano) purchases a mysterious, unpublished work by famed violin virtuoso and composer Niccolò Paganini from a creepy fellow named Mr. Pickett (Donald Pleasance, PHENOMENA, HALLOWEEN, THE GREAT ESCAPE), who just might be Old Scratch himself.
