We were all getting ready to sit down to dinner when the doorbell rang.
Being the youngest, I answered it. To my surprise, astronaut Edwin
"Buzz" Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon, was standing on the
porch. He was wearing a nice suit and was smiling brightly. He looked
hungry!
"Aren't you Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut?" I asked, recognizing him from all the TV news moon-landing coverage.
"Yes, I am," he responded with a crisp nod. "I'm here for dinner...and
boy, does it ever smell good." He rocked a bit on his heels, looking
eager and expectant. Figuring that somebody must've invited him, I stood
aside and ushered him in.
"Buzz Aldrin's here, everybody," I announced to my astonished family
while fetching another chair from the kitchen and dragging it to the
diningroom table. I had to squeeze Buzz in between me and my sister.
The rest of the family had frozen in mid-motion at the sight of him and
watched as he sat down and spread a napkin in his lap. "I'm so hungry I
could eat a horse," he quipped.
Dad cleared his throat and spoke hesitantly. "Uhh...I was just about to
say the blessing, Mr. Aldrin. But perhaps you'd do the honors
instead."
"I'd be happy to," said Buzz. We all lowered our heads, and Buzz began
to speak in a low, sonorous voice. "Dear Lord...bless the moon and the
astronauts and spaceships and NASA, and Walter Cronkite, and those weird
little gremlins that come through the walls of our space capsules in
outer space and try to kill us. And bless Grandma and Uncle Spanky and
Boris Karloff and the Jackson Five and the brave plumbers who fix our
toilets so that we can relieve ourselves without having to go outside."
He looked around and smiled. "Amen."
"Amen," we all repeated nervously. Even though it was an honor to have a
famous astronaut eating Thanksgiving dinner with us, he was starting to
creep us out a little. And nobody knew why the heck he was there in
the first place.
Dad passed the turkey platter to our guest. Buzz held it in both hands
and regarded the golden brown turkey appreciatively. "This dead bird,
whose corpse has been roasted," he announced momentously, "will soon be
eagerly masticated by our gnashing teeth and drenched in our gushing
saliva. And then we will swallow it, beginning the strange, magical
digestive process that will eventually result in our bowels moving and
expelling--"
"Would you like some yams?" Mom interjected, hoping to bring a halt to Buzz's potentially graphic speech.
Buzz glanced at her and shook his head. "No, thank you. This dead
bird, whose corpse has been roasted," he muttered, trying to regain his
place, "uh, blah, blah, blah...magical digestive process..." His voice
took on its rich, confident tone once again. "Beginning the strange,
magical digestive process that will eventually result in our bowels
moving and ex--"
"Tell us about the moon landing!" Mom almost yelped.
For a few moments, Buzz looked at her as though she were some kind of
creature from Mars. Then his head seemed to clear a bit, and he
smiled. "Well," he said, "it was kind of like this." He laid the
platter down and stuck his hand up inside the turkey, lifting it up and
moving it around like some kind of ghastly hand puppet. "Let's say the
table is the moon's surface, and the space capsule is represented by
this dead bird, whose corpse has been roasted..." He stopped, a look of
confusion settling over his features. "We will soon be eagerly
masticating it with our gnashing teeth, and drenching it in our gushing
saliva..."
I didn't want to hear about that process again so I interjected. "What was it like walking around on the moon?" I asked.
Buzz brightened again. "Well, it was like this," he explained, now
using the impromptu turkey-puppet to represent himself on the moon's
surface. He minced it around on the table, bobbing it up and down
slowly as though semi-weightless, and weaving it deftly around between
the big bowl of mashed potatoes and a heaping platter of cornbread
dressing. "This is me," he added, nodding down at the turkey in case we
hadn't already grasped that. Then he reached over and grabbed my
nephew Danny by his suspenders and lifted him out of his highchair.
"And this is Neil Armstrong."
As we all looked on in horror, Aldrin "moon-walked" baby Danny around on
the table along with the dead turkey in what was probably the most
revolting "mission simulation" in aerospace history. Nobody knew what
to do, since the situation was entirely alien to us. Even my sister,
who was Danny's mother, was afraid to do anything to antagonize Buzz at
this point. And still the horrible display continued, as turkey and
baby took on the roles of the first two astronauts to walk on the moon.
"Please...please..." my sister finally managed to croak. "Please put him down."
Buzz looked at her as though she had two heads. "Put who down? Me or Neil?" he asked.
"PUT...THE BABY...DOWN!!!" she screamed at last, pounding her fists on the table with a clatter.
Buzz looked at the baby, then at the turkey. A strange sort of
realization began to creep over his face. "Well, I, uh..." he said
slowly. "I'm afraid I...don't really know...which is the baby...and
which is the dead bird...whose corpse has been roasted..."
"Not that again!" Mom shrieked, rising to her feet and grabbing her hair
with both hands. "NOT THE DIGESTIVE PROCESS STORY AGAIN!!!"
Silently, Buzz removed his hand from the turkey and placed it in the
highchair, and then gently lowered Danny onto the turkey platter. With
deliberate restraint, he crossed his hands in his lap and spoke softly.
"I thought you all wanted to know about the moon landing," he said with
self-pity and a faint air of reproach. "You asked me to describe it. I
did so, using whatever visual aids were available at the time. If
you'd wanted me to use different ones, you should have supplied them."
His eyes took on a dreamy look. "Walter Cronkite supplied me with a
neat-o toy spaceship and some little astronaut dolls that I got to keep,
and a very nice scale mock-up of the Sea of Tranquility. But all I had
here was this strange creature--" he indicated Danny, who was cooing up
at him in wonder--"and this dead bird, whose corpse has been roasted
and will soon be eagerly masticated by our gnashing teeth and drenched
in our gushing saliva--"
"I...don't...think...so," Mom groaned, clipping the words off bitterly.
"Not after you've had your hand stuck up inside it like that. We'll
not be 'masticating' that bird today, Mr. Aldrin. And after all the
trouble I went to...to..." At that point it all became too much for her
and she collapsed in a fit of convulsive weeping. Dad rushed over and
hurried her out of the room. "I want you out of here," he said hoarsely
to Buzz on his way past.
Buzz Aldrin took a deep breath, then shook his head as though he'd just
awakened from a brief nap. He looked around at us with a smile,
seemingly unaware of the travesty he'd just made of our now-ruined
Thanksgiving dinner, and continued where he'd left off. "Beginning the
strange, magical digestive process that will eventually result in our
bowels--"
My sister screamed and whisked Danny away, fleeing the room. Buzz
watched her exit with a perplexed look and then turned to regard me as I
sat trembling. Aside from the turkey, which was still sitting in the
highchair, it was just me and Buzz at the table now. I wished I were
somewhere else. Or more precisely, that Buzz were somewhere else.
Buzz picked up the turkey in one hand and a large sweet potato in the
other. "Would you like to see what a real NASA docking maneuver looks
like?" he asked with a grin.
"No," I said weakly. Then, summoning my courage, I added, "I think you should just leave."
"Oh?" said Buzz. "Well, thank you for a lovely meal." He rose from the
table and headed for the front door. Was he simply pretending that he
hadn't just totally disrupted everything, I thought, or was he genuinely
unaware? I would never know. Buzz disappeared out the door and out of
our lives forever.
That is, until he showed up for breakfast the next morning. You don't
want to know what he tried to "simulate" with the link sausage,
scrambled eggs, and our dog. Something to do with "pulling eleven G's"
or whatever. Anyway, for what it's worth, I don't think astronauts and
Thanksgiving go together very well at all.
Originally posted 10/27/2020
If you saw Richard Franklin's minor classic PATRICK (1979), an Aussie horror thriller about a young man in a coma who kills with his mind while lying motionless in a hospital bed with his eyes wide open, you may have come away from the experience wanting more.
A year later, Italian director Mario Landi (GIALLO IN VENICE) gave us exactly that and then some with his shockingly lurid sex-and-gore fest PATRICK STILL LIVES (1980).
An unauthorized "in name only" sequel, this tale begins with young Patrick (Gianni Dei, playing a completely different character than the original) and his surgeon father Dr. Herschel (Sacha Pitoëff) having car troubles by the side of an isolated road, when suddenly a van speeds by and the driver tosses an empty bottle out the window which strikes Patrick in the head and puts him into what appears to be a permanent comatose state.
He seems to be conducting some pretty shady scientific research that includes three other hapless "patients" who are hooked up to machines and kept in a vegetative state as their bodies atrophy.
Not only that, but the not-so-good doctor also invites a variety of people to stay at his "wellness clinic" including a famous government official and his hot-blooded wife, a troubled woman with a shady past, a helmet-haired hunk, and a tough guy with a gun-bulge under his jacket.
We later discover that these people are there because the doctor is blackmailing them, and we wonder what sinister plans he has for them.
With that set-up in place, PATRICK STILL LIVES giddily goes about its business of entertainment and exploitation with enough nudity to pack the pages of a rack full of men's magazines (most of the women in the cast look absolutely terrific in the buff, which they're in for roughly half the running time) and, once the freakish death scenes start to occur, enough bloody carnage to put a smile on the face of the most fervent gorehound.
These scenes are often punctuated by the sight of Patrick's big googly eyes coming at us from out of nowhere (a startling effect), and, despite the effects being a bit crude at times, the gore scenes display some real twisted imagination in their staging and execution.
While Patrick seems to be mentally orchestrating the mayhem from his hospital bed, he also displays a distinct romantic interest in his father's beautiful blonde secretary Stella (Mariangela Giordano) and, in one stunning scene, takes advantage of his ability to control her actions in ways you don't have to try too hard to imagine.
The plot deftly transcends its stately pace to keep us guessing as to the motivation behind it all and why these particular people have been chosen to be murdered one by one. Naturally, we have our favorites (mine was the gorgeous Carmen Russo as Mrs. Kraft) and those whom we can't wait to get theirs.
While we're waiting for the plot by screenwriter Piero Regnoli (NIGHTMARE CITY) to unwind, we're treated to various interpersonal dramas including a raucous catfight, some other violently spiteful encounters, and even a potential romance between helmet-hair and Dr. Herschel's strange servant girl Meg. Director Landi renders it all with a roughhewn but often stylish visual sense that, for me, had a bit of an Amicus vibe.
The Blu-ray from Severin Films was scanned uncut in 2k from the original negative and looks very good despite a few flaws here and there which only add to its character. Extras consist of an interesting recent interview with actor Gianni Dei (Patrick), the film's original trailer, and reversible cover art. The special Blu-ray edition comes with a slipcover featuring its own distinctive artwork.
One doesn't have to be familiar with the original film to plunge right into this faux sequel with both feet and wallow through all its gore-drenched, nudity-enhanced goodness. While more "normal" viewers may be appalled by its goings-on, those with a more twisted cinematic palate should find PATRICK STILL LIVES a delightfully deranged delicacy.
Buy the standard Blu-ray at Severin Films
Buy the special Blu-ray edition with slipcover
Special Features:
C’est la Vie – Interview with Actor Gianni Dei
Trailer
Reversible Wrap
Disc Specs:
Aspect ratio: 1.66:1
Audio: Italian mono with English subtitles
Region Free
Reversible box art:
Special edition slipcover art:
Originally posted on 2/23/19
A real gem in 80s Australian cinema, NEXT OF KIN (Severin Films, 1982) breaks through all the usual Ozploitation gore and sensationlism to give us a down-under-sized taste of Euro-inspired horror with touches of Giallo.
Not that it doesn't shock, or shies away from morbid elements that give it a nice shivery ambience. But in the pleasingly literate script by director Tony Williams and Michael Heath, nothing's gratuitous--every dead, bloated body in a bathtub, every bashed-in skull, every punctured eyeball drives the plot relentlessly forward.
In fact, the story takes its sweet time getting started, allowing us to settle comfortably into the relatively normal world of an ivy-covered old folks' home--actually a sprawling mansion--before gradually turning it into a nightmare. It's here that Linda (Jacki Kerin, effective in her only feature film) grew up and is now returning after having inherited the place from her recently-deceased mother.
Originally posted on 3/3/14
Blowing in on the great Oz-plosion of the 70s and 80s came the vampire thrilla from dan-unda known as THIRST (1979), which definitely would've been part of my VHS rotation if I'd taped it off of Cinemax or dubbed a rental copy.
It isn't a great movie, but these resourceful Aussie filmmakers did a great job taking an outlandish horror story and whipping up a delightfully ghastly bit of entertainment to go around it. The attractive and very expressive Chantal Contouri stars as Kate, a well-to-do career woman who finds out the hard way (being abducted by a vampire cult, that is) that she is the last descendant of Elizabeth Bathory and is now expected to join with her fellow vampires in order to enrich and extend the "bloodline."
Max Phipps, best known as the pathetic "Toady" from THE ROAD WARRIOR, is fellow vampire blue-blood Mr. Hodge, who is most excited about this joining since he'll be participating in the most "intimate" way. Others interested in Kate's absorption into the cult are the vile Mrs. Barker (Shirley Cameron), the familiar Robert Thompson (PATRICK, ROAD GAMES) as Sean, ultra-awesome cult actor Henry Silva as Dr. Gauss, and a curiously reticent Dr. Fraser (DEEP RED's David Hemmings at his most David Hemmings-y) who appears to sympathize with Kate's desire to return home to her hunky fiance' Derek (Rod Mullinar, DEAD CALM).
(Originally posted on 4/21/11
LARRY: "And what might your name be, lass?"
LORNA: "Perhaps you've heard it, 'tis Lorna Doone."
SHEMP: "Hi, Lorna! How ya Doone?"
This exchange from the Three Stooges short "Scotched in Scotland" was pretty much all I ever knew about Lorna Doone, never having read R.D. Blackmore's 1869 novel, seen any of the previous film adaptations, or eaten the cookies. Now, Acorn Media's DVD release of the Thames Television production of LORNA DOONE (1990) brings me up to speed on the story, although not quite as entertainingly as I might've liked.
It gets off to a good start with a prologue showing how young John Ridd's father was murdered by Carver Doone (Sean Bean, FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, GOLDENEYE) of the Doone clan, a once-noble family now known as marauding outlaws. This sequence is quite well done and gives John his first glimpse of Lorna, whom Carver has just kidnapped after killing her parents. It also introduces us to the vast, gloomy countryside that plays such a major role in setting the mood of the film.
Twelve years later we find the older John (Clive Owen, SIN CITY) living with his sister Annie (Jane Gurnett) and mother Sarah (Billie Whitelaw, THE OMEN) on their small farm beneath the ever-lowering sky of rural England. A chance meeting with the now-grown Lorna (Polly Walker) sparks a forbidden love that stirs things up big-time between the Ridds and the Doones, leading to a deadly feud involving half the local population.
Being a fan of Emily Bronte's "Wuthering Heights", I was expecting a tempestuous romance similar to that of Heathcliff and Catherine, but the match-up of John and Lorna is a rather tepid affair. It begins with a 17th-century "meet cute"--John tumbles over a waterfall while fishing and is plucked from the water by Lorna--and never really gets all that passionate or even convincing. Clive Owen's stiff performance doesn't help, and Polly Walker's Lorna scarcely resembles Bronte's feral nature-child Catherine.
The most warm and heartfelt love affair, in fact, is the one between John's sister Annie and their cousin, notorious highwayman Tom Faggus (Miles Anderson), who comes to the farm seeking asylum. Tom is a likable rogue and the story comes to life when he's onscreen, whether courting Annie or helping the Ridds fend off the attacking Doone clan in one of the film's two major battle sequences.
It's here that LORNA DOONE sparks the most interest, although the direction and editing during these scenes is somewhat clumsy. Sean Bean does all he can with his one-note character and is an effective scenery-chewing villain. A later attack on the Doone compound by John and his fellow farmers, after the local militia fails to take action, is another relative highpoint.
Still, it's a pretty bland affair, with uninspired direction and unremarkable performances in the lead roles. The script seems to be checking off the main parts of the story in rather cursory fashion, while the Cliff Notes dialogue lacks depth. It all gets much more involving when we begin to learn of Lorna's true origins, with some pretty grand surprises in store for the Ridd family, but little of it truly effects us on an emotional level.
Supporting performances are strong, with Jane Gurnett and Miles Anderson as Annie and Tom being the most likable members of the cast. Billie Whitelaw, of course, can't help but be good no matter what she's in. As Carver's young son Ensie, who is later adopted by John, the diminutive Euan Grant MacLachlan is wonderfully expressive.
The DVD from Acorn Media is in fullscreen with Dolby Digital sound and English subtitles. Text-based extras consist of cast filmographies and a biography of novelist R.D. Blackmore.
I probably shouldn't be too picky, since this is a television production that was probably done on a low budget and a tight schedule. It does manage to maintain interest throughout its running time, with a rich period atmosphere and a smattering of fairly good scenes here and there. But in the end, this version of LORNA DOONE does little more than make me want to seek out a better one.
Originally posted on 3/12/13
The Battle of Isandlwana is known as history's worst defeat of a "modern" army by native forces, and you'll see why when you watch Severin Films' Blu-Ray/DVD release of the rip-roaring ZULU DAWN (1979), a disheartening portrait of a pointless and utterly wasteful military massacre.
It's 1879, and the supremely arrogant Lord Chelmsford (Peter O'Toole), who commands the British Army in South Africa, is eager to declare war on the Zulu Empire for fun and profit. He sends an unreasonable ultimatum to the Zulu king, Cetshwayo, which is rightly refused, giving Lord Chelmsford an excuse to go on the offensive.
"My only fear is that the Zulus will avoid an engagement," Chelmsford haughtily remarks, and a successful initial skirmish with a small band of Zulus reinforces his false confidence. But unknown to him, King Cetshwayo has 30,000 fierce warriors ready to bring the fight to the advancing enemy, and when they clash with the unsuspecting British forces it quickly escalates into a terrifying one-sided slaughter.
Detective Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) is pursuing a mad bomber...
...in this hilarious parody of coffee commercials.
He consults with Police Squad's resident forensic expert.
But too much caffeine has made him cranky.
Decaf to the rescue!
I neither own nor claim any rights to this material. Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!
Originally posted on 9/24/20
I've just viewed the stomach-churning Indonesian gorefest PRIMITIVES, aka "Savage Terror" (Severin Films, 1980), which rivals Lucio Fulci and Bruno Mattei's rawest, grisliest jungle carnage epics for sheer shock and disgust.
Having done so, it's safe to say that the vast majority of "normal" film aficianados will go miles out of their way to avoid it while a very small percentage of twisted gorehounds will machete their way through dense jungles to beat a path to its door.
Doing just that, in fact, are our main characters, hunky Robert (Barry Prima, THE WARRIOR), babe-a-licious Rita (Enny Haryono), and nerdy Tommy (Johann Mardjono), who, along with jungle-savvy guide Bisma (Rukman Herman), are making their way deep into the bush to study the most primitive tribe they can find in order to beef up their college cred.
Up until the midpoint of the story it's all just the usual trudging through the brush and rafting down the river as our main characters engage in adventurous frivolity, foolishly thinking they're up to whatever's in store for them.
That's when the crockpot of horror that PRIMITIVES has been cooking up till then is finally ready to be served up to these unsuspecting dweebs, starting with a surprise attack that separates Robert and Rita from the others and lands them smack in the middle of the primitive tribe's village for some of the bloodiest, creepiest, and downright ickiest goings-on that this sort of movie can dredge up.
Animal lovers will be aghast at much of it, with one of the film's major setpieces consisting of a live alligator being disembowled as its insides are hacked into pieces which are then tossed to members of the tribe to voraciously devour raw. (Other shocking sights include a leopard taking on two crocodiles and a really big iguana being swallowed whole by a really big snake.)
Scarier still is the fact that the gore-encrusted extras in these sequences seem as bug-eyed crazy as the characters they're playing, chowing down greedily on pulsating animal parts and showering themselves in warm blood.
In fact, it's often downright impossible to distinguish the real blood and guts from the fake. It's as though the filmmakers managed to corral an entire herd of freaked-out circus geeks to perform for the camera in exchange for all the raw meat they could devour.
Lest we forget, though, there's still the story of Robert and Rita enduring prolonged torment at the hands of these ultra-primitives and finally making their escape followed by a lengthy chase scene as they trudge toward the river where freedom awaits. A few surprises pop up here and there, someone gets a spear right in the crotch, and finally the whole searing fever dream is over.
The Blu-ray from Severin Films was scanned in HD from the Jakarta vault negative. Kraftwerk fans will recognize their classic song "The Robots" in the opening credits. Extras include interviews with producer Gope T. Samtani and screenwriter Imam Tantowi, a trailer, and an alternate title sequence. The case features reversible art and the special edition comes with a slipcover.
Still the only film of its kind ever made Indonesia, PRIMITIVES finds director Sisworo Gautama Putra, screenwriter Imam Tantowi and producer Gope T. Samtani putting together a film with negligible production values, gut-wrenching imagery, some disturbing animal abuse, and a supporting cast of wretches who look like genuine refugees from an asylum for the dangerously insane. To watch it is to subject oneself to an endurance test, perhaps gauging our own responses to it in order to evaluate just how nutty we are.
Buy it at Severin Films
Special edition w/slipcover
Special Features:
Producing PRIMITIVES – Interview with Producer Gope T. Samtani
Way Down in the Jungle Deep – Interview with Screenwriter Imam Tantowi
Trailer
Alternate Title Sequence
Reversible Wrap
Exclusive slipcover (special editon only)
Reversible art:
Slipcover art (special edition only):
Originally posted on 9/30/12
During the initial TV run of the World War II drama series "Combat!" (1962-67) I couldn't get into it because it was too grown-up. During its syndicated reruns, I was going through my "pacifist" phase and couldn't stand to watch anything war-related unless it was blatantly, even stridently anti-war. Now, however, I'm blazing my way through Image Entertainment's 5-disc DVD set COMBAT! FAN FAVORITES 50th ANNIVERSARY like Patton making a beeline to Berlin.
Without a doubt, this is some of the best stuff ever done for series television. Gritty, realistic (as far as I know, anyway), and unflinchingly adult, the adventures of Sgt. Saunders (Vic Morrow), Lt. Hanley (Rick Jason), and their battle-weary squad of American infantry veterans in post-Normandy Europe puts us right in the middle of all the action and lets us share some of the emotional and existential turmoil that haunts these soldiers every perilous step of the way.
No flag-waving here--these are simply stories about hot, tired, and, most of all, scared soldiers doing a grueling job and trying to stay alive on the front lines. The streetwise Kirby (Jack Hogan), Lousiana bayou denizen Caje (Pierre Jalbert), gentle giant Littlejohn (Dick Peabody), and compassionate medic Doc (Conlan Carter) wade into the fray with guns blazing yet struggle to retain their humanity, always coming across as three-dimensional human beings and never simple action figures.
Originally posted on 3/1/17
You know you're in for a good time when a movie not only meets whatever modest expectations you may have for it, but continually surpasses them from the first scene all the way to the last.
Not that SLASHER.COM (2017) is in danger of winning Best Picture or anything, but it does take the lowbrow and often "blah" genre that is its namesake and uses it as the raw material to carve out a finely-hewn piece of cinematic folk art.
A dynamic opening titles sequence recounting the recent slasher murders of St. Louis singles answering lonely hearts ads online leads us to, you guessed it, a couple of strangers hooking up via an online dating service and venturing out into the wilds of Missouri to spend a getting-to-know-you weekend in a secluded cabin.
Originally posted on 5/23/10
Few novels have yielded as many movie adaptations as Robert Louis Stevenson's classic Jekyll-and-Hyde story. This tale of the eternal conflict between good and evil within every individual is not only a fascinating story, but it serves as a jumping-off point for filmmakers to come up with a seemingly endless number of variations and interpretations--DR. BLACK AND MR. HYDE, DR. JEKYLL AND SISTER HYDE, MARY REILLY, and even THE NUTTY PROFESSOR come to mind--with wildly varying degrees of success.
Now we can add writer-director John Carl Buechler's THE STRANGE CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (2006) to the list. This time the story takes place in the present, retaining just enough elements of the original novel to justify using the title. Golden-voiced genre fave Tony Todd (CANDYMAN, THE CROW) stars as Dr. Henry Jekyll, a research scientist working for a corporation that's funding some kind of nano-technology experiments on chimps. He's developed a nano-serum that, when injected into the bloodstream, can drastically alter the physical makeup of the subject and devolve it to a more beastly state.
It goes without saying, of course, that Jekyll has been unwisely using the serum on himself. I'm not sure why, since this version of the character doesn't seem to be motivated by the idea of separating the good and evil sides of his nature. The fact that the serum turns him into a murderous human monster seems to be an unforeseen side-effect. But I guess it doesn't really matter, since this film doesn't aspire to be anything more than a gory monster movie--which it succeeds in doing pretty well.
